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The terrifying reality of post-natal depression

I just read this moving post on post-natal depression on yummymummytips.com. Knowing this mum now, I would never have guessed that she ever felt so depressed that she attemped suicide. She's so vital and bubbly.

The irony is that I didn’t manage to end it. I have since been told that I am the only person ever to survive jumping the 75ft from the top of that multi-storey car park. It happens a lot more than you know

Read her blog now, as part of the latest British Mummy Bloggers Carnival that focuses on the theme of birth / birthday / rebirth. Check out Kelly's post on feelings of jealousy about birth. And Laura's unexpected birth tale. And all the other great posts from British mummy bloggers.

Read the posts now.

How I learned to stop worrying and start loving cheesy music

Beth Miller, who blogs on the wonderful Small Pleasures (tagline: "Chuntering about life and parenting in Lewes"), has sent along this missive about the effect of children on her heretofore impeccable taset in music. Hint: they don't improve it. She writes:

You can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music

Everyone knows that pregnancy turns stony-hearted kick-ass women into saps who weep at cute liddle Pampers adverts. But that’s as nothing next to the transformations wrought by parenthood. For me, one of the most remarkable has been my changed attitude towards - how else to put it? - shite music.

Pre-children, I was a purist, some might say an avenging purist, who would only listen to music in the best possible taste. I had been known to turn off other people’s car stereos, without asking, when Celine Dion slithered onto the radio; to break off relationships over Bryan Adams; and to leave an otherwise very good party because the host insisted on sharing his Marillion collection. (Actually I still feel rightly indignant about that.)

Which school-gate mum are you?

Read one of Modern Mother's latest posts, about school-gate personalities. Am aware that I fall somewhere between The Working Mum ("often volunteers for mundane events even though she barely has time to keep the fridge full...") and Now-You-See-Me-Now-You-Don't Mum ("only turns up at high-profile school functions").

Read them all and tell which kind you are. (Be honest!)

A Modern Mother's "Who Are You at the Schoolgate?"

More on Alpha Mummy:

Caitlin Moran: I'm scared of big school

More on School Gate:

Don't take the "playground mafia" too seriously

The school gate can be scary

Do working mums volunteer more?

The Maclaren recall: What, don't we love our kids' fingers here?

American kids are reputed to have a lot of things that the British don't want for their own kids - loud manners, acquisitive natures. But the tips of their fingers isn't on that list.

Maclaren is recalling a million strollers in the United States following 12 reports of children having fingertips cut off by a side hinge. I've yet to uncover just how much of the fingers have been cut off by these "amputations" as they've been described. Of course, it's not as if people have loads of unwanted finger acreage. Any bit you've lost off your child's finger - whether through accident or from simply being disorganised - is going to seem like too much. To me, the word "amputation" seems like the kind of thing that takes off a knuckle, with a lot of crunching of bone.

Yet Maclaren is not recalling strollers in the UK. What, we don't love our kids' hands here too? In a statement the company says there's a difference between a "recall" here and a "recall" in the States.

“In the US the term product recall has an entirely different meaning.  It means corrective action or the modification of products which can be carried out in the home.  In response to  accidents which occurred when buggies where not operated in line with instructions and safety guidelines our US Company decided to voluntarily supply kits to cover the elbow joint as a safety measure.  There are a lower number of similar reported incidents amongst the considerably higher number of Maclaren buggies sold in Europe.  If a buggy is folded or unfolded in line with our operating instructions the risk of injury is non-existent.”

It's easy to get outraged at companies whose products aren't safe enough - from toys with toxic paint to cribs with head-trapping bars. Yet why haven't we heard of fingers getting sliced in the UK or Europe?

The fight to keep childcare vouchers grows

The most popular petition on the Downing Street website right now is the one protesting the scrapping of the Employer Support Childcare scheme, aka childcare vouchers. Gordon Brown is now facing a revolt from Labour women over plans to axe the benefits to working women.

I'm not surprised. While the government says that too much of the benefit is being enjoy by "rich" people, that's not my experience, or what female party figures are saying. The majority who benefit from the scheme are middle or lower income working families. And this isn't a handout, it's a tax break on earned income.

High-quality affordable childcare is as rare as a good Sandra Bullock movie. It's also the one of the most important factors in the positive development for young children with working parents. When I first went back to work, it was the only reason why we were above break-even.

Sex education in schools doesn't thwart religious teachings

A few weeks ago my daughter wanted to take her latest favourite book to school for show and tell. I agreed, but I told her that some children's parents might not be teaching them those things yet and that we would ask the teacher. In the end the teacher suggested we bring in something different. That's because the book was Where Did I Come From, by Peter Mayle, and is all about how babies are made. 

It's a great book, with anatomically correct cartoon drawings, description of body parts and even a stab at describing orgasms. After reading it, my 5-year-old asked me how you decide who's going to be the daddy of your children.

I skipped the stuff about making sure he has a really good retirement plan and that you get along with his mother and talked about respect and love. I don't know how long the window will remain open for discussing sex and relationships without embarrassment, so I'm grabbing my opportunities now.

It's good the government is doing the same. Contrary to what some say, knowing about birth control, homosexuality and civil partnerships doesn't eradicate or override religious teachings. These things are a fact of life in modern British society and the people who are entering that society as young adults need to know about them. You can know about condoms without becoming sex-crazed or losing your faith. As parents we frequently have to tell kids about ideas or actions in the world we don't agree with.

The British Mummy Blogger photo shoot for Red Magazine

Everyone is really taking notice of blogging these days. India Knight wrote about it the Sunday Times this past week and Red will be featuring a story about the British Mummy Bloggers networking site. I know that because I was one of the a few members who could make a last-minute photo shoot for this piece that took place on Monday.

You could read about the shoot and see a little video from it on A Modern Mother's blog and see the story in the January issue of Red, out on 1 December.

Innovative toy design: a placenta teddy

If the idea of serving up your placenta in a tasty dish (like hash brownies, except without the munchies afterwards) or burying it in your garden (the foxes will get at it) doesn't work for you, there's always this "fun" idea - sew it into a teddy. After of course first curing and tanning it.

The perfect thing to tuck in the little ones with.

Another dispiriting Hallow'een

Not because of the day itself - although the kids asking "Can we go Trick or Treating yet? Can we go Trick or Treating yet?" at 8am, and then repeating it, every  nine and  a half minutes, until Mummy's Whisky Time gets pulled forward to an emergency 1pm kick-off, can be a little trying. 

     But generally, though, I like the idea of Hallow'een. I'm a former Goth who likes Haribo, and is thrilled by the idea of accessorising with flashing horns. The over-all concept sings to me on a fairly profound level.

    No - the Hallow'een dispiritment comes when I register how everyone else unfailingly does Hallow'een much better than me. It's the event I never quite get my arse into gear for. Christmas, I ace every time - I simply give everyone I know as much cash as I can humanly afford in an envelope with "I Love You" written on it, and then get anyone in the house at the time shit-faced before 11am. Easter, similarly, I knock in the back of the net: Easter Egg hunt that lasts an hour, minimum, then every meal of the day, without exception, consisting of Hot Cross Buns: with so much butter lavished on them, the stairs run with grease by bed-time. Bish bash bosh. Festive days? I rule them.

All you need for a Hallowe'en party

Beverley Glock has 10 brilliant ideas for Hallowe'en-themed foods here. From eyeball pasta to hedgehogs and slugs, Beverley covers everything you could possibly want for a ghoulish party.

For more musings on Hallowe'en, click below.

Jennifer Howze: Is Hallowe'en a frightfully good holiday or a beastly American import?

Caitlin Moran: Mums hate trick or treating

Will your child inherit your body image?

The last thing any parent wants their child to inherit is a negative body image, but a survey of teenagers shows children are more likely to be on a diet if their mother is.

Sugar magazine surveyed 512 of its readers, aged 12-18. Perhaps unsuprisingly, more than half (51 per cent) of the girls surveyed had dieted. But interestingly, this became 59 per cent among those who had a mother on a diet.

Here, Sugar editor Annabel Brog explains the survey findings - and why we must not repeat our parents' mistakes:

My mother proudly wears a size eight. She always has and I remember, as a teenager, being very aware of how good she looked in her fashion-forward pink leopard print leggings (it was the late 80s, OK). On the other hand, my size (12) was a source of concern for her. She sneakily reduced my potato portion at dinner and offered weight-related compliments: ‘You look lovely, have you lost weight?’ The ‘W’ word made me spasm. Still does. I fluctuated my way through a size 8 - 14 adolescence, emerging a size 10 with horrible body hang-ups.

Now, as editor of the UK’s biggest selling teen magazine Sugar, I spend my time trying to shore up teen-girl self-esteem. But it stands to reason that NOTHING we print (and we do try – a monthly fashion shoot on gorgeous girls of all shapes and sizes; a refusal to bash celebs with *shudder* cellulite) can be as influential as what our half-million readers hear daily in their homes.

And this, according to the 500+ girls who participated in Sugar’s Thinheritance survey, is what they hear: Two-thirds listen to mum complaining about her weight. Fifty six percent watch their mums diet. Over half are upset by parents criticising their body size, and 70 per cent are given weight-related nicknames that ‘really hurt’. It’s not surprising that a tenth of girls claim they are ‘constantly’ on a diet (so sad – their average age is 14!). But among girls whose families comment on their size, this leaps to a quarter. In fact, we have numerous stats proving that body-obsessed mums create body-obsessed daughters. As Psychologist Amanda Hills explains: “Food becomes an issue when Mum isn’t sitting down to dinner with everyone else, or is off preparing a separate meal for herself… The ‘drip-effect’ of constant self-criticism in front of easily influenced teens teaches them to do likewise. If Mum’s calling herself fat, it won’t be long before her daughter is too.”

God knows, as a mother who can’t bear her own hips, I’m not blaming the mums. Too many of us have been bred on anxiety about our own body-size, celebrity body-size, and every other woman’s body-size. But we do have to be aware of passing our issues on. My heavenly little daughter, Ava, is 18 months. The word diet, and the culture of body bashing are banned in my house. I may not be able to completely sort out what is going on in my head, but I am damn well going to make sure none of it comes out of my mouth.

Do we need a Parents' Liberation Movement?

Parenthood, how do love thee? Let us count the ways.

* Strangers who grope your belly during pregnancy and discuss whether you're gaining the "right" kind of weight (assumedly not the kind you get from eating that Mars bar you're holding right there)

* Supermarket cashiers who out of sheer selflessness and concern call security when you try to buy wine and unpasteurised cheese during pregnancy

* Researchers who have determined that by letting your children watch CBeebies while you did the laundry you have basically allowed their brains to eat themselves

The mummy blogging carnival returns

The blogging carnival is back.

For the uninitiated, it's a chance for parenting bloggers to connect with each other by collating the best of their posts on one blog.

This week, Hot Cross Mum is hosting the carnival, which covers everything from ‘Things I have said to my husband’ (the Brits in Bosnia blog) to ‘The morning routine’ (The dog hair chronicles).

Go to www.hotcrossmum.blogspot.com to read those posts and more.

Five examples of 'mumnesia'

“When your baby comes out into the big wide world, a little bit of your brain falls out too,” Natasha Desborough says. Wrapping up your children’s shoes as presents, using baby talk for adults and forgetting your child on the nursery run are all examples of what she jokingly identifies as ‘mumnesia’.

In an exclusive extract from her no-nonsense parenting book the Parental Advisory Manual, Desborough, outlines five funny examples from these embarrassing lapses in concentration:

"One of the best sounds in the world is your own child laughing, and my three-year-old son found it hysterically funny if I put his pants on my head. It was also a great way to get him dressed for nursery, as he would be so distracted that he would forget to kick up a fuss. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. Yes, I forgot to remove the hilarious garment and took my son to nursery with a pair of Sportacus pants on my head. The worst thing is that it wasn’t an isolated incident – I have arrived at nursery decked in toddler pants on a number of occasions."

Why we're talking about abortion now

Irene Vilar (above) has had 15 abortions and has written a book about being an “abortion addict”. Reading her story for the Times, I came away with an impression of a woman who had been very disturbed. Hers is a very specific and singular story having to do with politics, family breakdown and an unhealthy relationship with an older man. It has little in common with that of the majority of women who have abortions. (Vilar’s story ran originally in the Huffington Post – you can see it here.)

Unfortunately, I have the feeling that her story will be taken up by foes of abortion as an example of the type of feckless, selfish woman who has an abortion because she can’t be bothered popping down to the chemist to buy some condoms.

The Times Alpha Mummy sex survey: here's what you told us

For the second year running we’ve asked parents to tell us about their sex lives and for the second time, I’m struck by the wide variety of experiences and responses we get. We’re honoured that so many of you took the time to respond thoughtfully to our self-selecting, unscientific yet enlightening survey.

One of the surprises was the large number of the 1,640 respondents who said they wouldn’t consider an affair. While we were surprised, Dr Pam Spurr wasn’t. The popular relationships expert whose books include a host of sex advice and, most recently, one entitled “Your Child’s Dreams”, told me, “Despite the fact there are high levels of infidelity, with approximately 30 to 40 per cent of men and women saying they’ve had an affair during a significant relationship, it doesn’t mean that everyone fantasises about infidelity. Some will fantasise about a sexual encounter with a stranger, or an unknown person, but it’s not in the context of having an illicit affair. It’s often contained to a simple, private fantasy.”

Dr Lauren Rosewarne, author of Cheating on the Sisterhood: Infidelity and Feminism, had another theory. Read my story that ran in the Weekend section to learn more.

Regular sex – supposedly mythical once you bear children – wasn’t as rare as one might expect for the 748 women and 892 men that responded. Getting busy is a regular occurrence for 44 per cent, who reported having sex about once a week or more, with 2 per cent, or 34 high-stamina’ed individuals, saying they had sex every day. The same number reported never having sex, 32 per cent reported having sex two to four times a month, and 10.5 per cent had sex several times a year.

But most compelling of all were your personal stories, anecdotes and outlooks onto the complicated terrain of sex after children.

Here’s what you had to say.

Parents have told us: how's your sex life?

What Times readers think about affairs

Parents tell us: how’s your sex life?

Ask 1,640 Times readers about their sex lives and you’ll get 1,640 of responses. Our second annual Times Alpha Mummy sex survey yielded some fascinating results, including the fact that the majority of you wouldn't consider an affair.

But in addition to that, you revealed your frank evaluation of your current sex life. Your answers ranged from poignant and wry to amusing and surprising, including a woman who said sex had improved after her husband’s affair. Here’s a small sampling of what you had to say.

“Lack of passion will be the end of our relationship, which is otherwise very good!” – father of four, living with someone for 12 years

What Times Alpha Mummy readers say about affairs

More than 1600 of you responded to our 2009 sex survey. This year, in addition to asking about your sex lives with your partner, we asked you about infidelity. For many of you, children haven’t affected your outlook. We got thousands of interesting, insightful. Here are just a few of them.

The question: Has having children affected your opinion of affairs?

“I know it's different now with a child but my opinion on affairs has changed little; they are forgivable but are horrendously wrong. Any grown, mature adult should know better.” – father of one who’s been tempted but never pursued an affair

“My dad left my Mum when I was 8 years old and it ruined my life. I will never do that to my children. I chose a Dad I knew would never leave them.” – mother of two who’s fantasized about an affair

"It has softened my view in one way as I can see how it can happen to anyone (it almost happened to me) and provide the physical passion which seems to vanish as a marriage ages and once children appear. The main thing that would stop me having an affair is my children and the consequences for them and thus I and my wife.  I have concluded that all things in life are trade-offs and this is one of them. Of course, all this in my mind tends to keep my marriage together but it does not lead to a good sex life which goes back to the initial issue.” – father of two, who’s considered an affair

The joy of being obliquely accused of being a paedophile.

My husband's usual, grudging, well-this-is-just-one-of-those-things-you-have-to-do-when-you-have-kids attitude to the girls' weekly swimming lesson took a seriously impressive downturn this week. The swimming baths the girls go to are - whilst staffed by the loveliest and most diligently attentive swimming instructors Mankind could conceive of - also painfully knackered and also, it is pointless to deny, very smelly. I mean, really smelly. As if the drains underneath the place were composed of liquid dead rat, bad cabbage and insane toilet incidents - and, then, someone had just come in and farted on top of it all.

     So it is a place - let us be clear - that no adult in their right mind would wish to spend a second longer than possible in. Especially when you factor in that the whole building is heated to a temperature only slightly less intolerable than the Sun, meaning that the waiting parents - who are not, unlike the instructors or the children -  in swimming costumes, tend to become over-heated and fractious within seconds of entering the place. Perhaps it was heat exhaustion, then, that caused The Incident: my husband was halfway through getting the girls dried and dressed when a swimming pool attendant took him to one side.

     "We've had a request that you not come in here," she said, looking very awkward. My husband stared at her for a minute. During that minute, it became clear to him that what she meant was that someone had complained about a dad being in the girl's changing rooms, where children were getting dressed and undressed. i.e.: that he was being regarded as a possible paedophile. Obviously the fact he was pouring with sweat at the time didn't show him in his best non-kiddy-fiddling light but, still, it was a bit of a gutting moment, all told. No man likes to be told that, having been given the once-over by another parent, they've been classified as a bit "Gary Glitter" - not as in having come up with a superlative back-catalogue of glam-rock classics, but in the bad way.

     So now, every week, he has to stand outside the changing rooms, while the girls get changed inside, and wondering which parent that files past him it was that doesn't want him in the room with their kids.

9 things I swore I would never say as a parent

Reading Expat Mum's list about Things I Say All the Time (including "sit down, you haven't finished eating" and "there are two types of vegetable on your plate. pick one and eat it") reminded me of all those things my mother said to me that I vowed I would never subject my kids too. Ha ha. That's one of the joys of being a parent - you can change your mind because you set the rules.

1. I'm going to count to three...: And then I actually do it. I actually do.

2. Come on or I'm going without you: This one has limited shelf life. Once my daughter realises that I can't go to school for drop-off without her, the jig is up.