Alphagranny?

Aargh. Stayed up until 2am on Saturday night cutting out butterflies for the Sunday School creche only to discover, when I arrived bleary eyed at 9am the following morning, that I'd been too busy/distracted/stupid/whatever to check the date on the piece of paper that the lady organising the church rota sent me which said, in very large clear black lettering, April 22, not March. I could have turned in at 9.30 after all. Could have had nine hours instead of four. Could have been calm and serene mum instead of frazzled and fractious mum.

Going to bed at half past nine may seem incredibly sad, and of course in many ways it is. But it is the key to sanity at this stage in life. Sleep, sleep and more sleep.

Which was why Alex Blair's story in this morning's Times http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/education/article1567223.ece caught my eye. According to a new survey there has been a sharp increase in the use of maternity nurses by new mothers. The reason? Fewer midwives and husbands too tired from working to help. Six out of ten parents said that poor post-natal care was the main reason for hiring a maternity nurse; and 69 per cent said that new dads got up at night fewer than ten times in the baby's first six weeks.

Leaving aside new dads and their shortcomings, as well as the shocking decline in British midwifery, I have my own theory as to why more and more women are resorting to expensive materniy nurses: Alphagrannies.

In the past, a new mother might have reasonably expected her own mother to muck in a bit in the early days. Not Alphagranny. Alphagranny is the antithesis of the plump, white-haired, wrinkly, apple-cheeked stereotype. Alphagranny has her roots done once a month. Alphagranny is no stranger to HRT. Alphagranny does pilates, yoga, perhaps even has a personal trainer. Alphagranny not only looks smart, she IS smart. And, crucially, Alphagranny almost certainly has a job. A job that means she simply can't afford the time - or the sleep deprivation - to help her daughter deal with a new baby.

Forget paternity leave. What we really need is granny leave. Although, if the Alphagrannies I know are anything to go by, the Government might have a job persuading them to take it.

Comments

[Lazy Mummy]

Alphagrannies...We have two of them, in remote corners of the globe ("only a long-haul flight away, darling") but they happily came to our aid when we had a newborn and have indicated they'll do it again if we do. In fact, I bet we got MORE help than we would have (in the early weeks) if they'd been just round the corner. Though, of course, they're never available for last minute drop-the-kids-off-for-an-hour's babysitting on Saturday afternoon as my grandparents were.

Regarding "why is the discussion all about grannies, where are the men?" I think that's generational. DH is as hands-on as me (more so actually) and I think many of us alphamummies can relate to that. In our case F-i-L is dead, but both he & my father are of the generation where women handled babies and I think that's their expectation (though DF, apparently, was hands-on with his first baby, but not the subsequent ones). DH commented recently that my father is far better with our daughter now she's 2 1/2 than when she was an infant and I bet that's the case with many grandads of our parents' generation, as it was with our own grandparents, if we think back.

[NYC Alpha Mom]

OMG, hilarious. I totally relate. When we had DD we moved so that our place is a five-minute walk from my mother, but she can't be bothered to babysit (and, to address other comments, I'm not trying to be sexist by focusing on my mother, as my father passed away many years ago, as did my father-in-law). Indeed, she is still working, travelling like mad, looking for a husband, and I just ran into her at the my stylist's last night, where she and I were both scheduled to get highlights! (N.B. Her roots were much less visible than mine!) Thanks for the laugh. She will definitely be known (to DH and me only) as "Alphagranny" from now on.

[supermother]

It's all women, women, women on this thread - female grandparents who might help, never male etc. How sexist.

On the question of who looks after the old it depends where you live and where your children move to. I expect mine will stay geographically near me and if you're an alpha mother on a super income then you also have great financial provision for your old age too. Also the longer you work the longer you live and the better your brain works so and now age discrimination is banned I hope the City of London will be full of 70 somethings more than it is now before too long all having great fun doing deals.

What do I want to do when I'm a 40 or 50 something alpha grandmother? I've like us all to keep skiing en famille and I expect I'll pay. I'd like our big family meals to continue. I'd like to go to grandchildren's schools, sports days, time to chat to them. I will not be doing any babysitting very much except on an occasional basis. I worked full time because I largely found being at home with chidlren boring so I doubt I'll find grandchildren any more interesting if I have to have them in long chunks of time.

[Mamacita]

My sincere respects and admiration to all the mothers who can cope on their own and also to the ones who can afford to pay for help. I wish I could.
I am a first time mother of an eleven months boy and just had overcome a nervous breakdown. Since all my family lives in Venezuela all my support is my husband, his family and sometimes my friends here. When my baby was six months old I went back to work full time for mortgage reasons, doing 3 days at nursery, 2 days with me and 2 days with my husband. My mother in law is very supportive whenever I ask for help but since she is not my own mother I feel too embarrased to ask her for what I really need, which is sleep and that precious time for myself. My sister in law has 3 boys and copes perfectly fine, so much so that she also takes my child when I need to do extra shifts at work.
Being the only mother at work also brougth out some issues as is hard for non-mother bosses to understand how hard it can be for some people to juggle with the demands of a job role with housework plus a baby that gets excluded from nursery whenever he gets a tummy bug which by the way caught in the same nursery, and don't ask me why makes me feel extra guilty.
The point is that for months after birth and post natal depression mixed with stress my dr and health visitor put me in counselling and antidepressants. They did help but I feel it made the most significant improvement on my physical and mental state was my mum helping hand.

[delilah, USA]

When I got pregnant my mum sat me down and explained kindly that she'd done her childcare bit and although she would love to help from time to time I couldn't count on her for regular childcare. I was a bit taken aback but in the end respected her honesty. I think she'd been a bit freaked out by grannyfriends who'd been given the "provide free daycare or never see your grandkids again" approach by their daughters-in-law. In the end she was more than generous with her time, gave us weekends away, covered for sick nannies, and stayed for two weeks after every birth, mostly to cook clean and take the older kids to the park (and of course point out flaws in my draperies and my husband, scold me for picking up the latest model as soon as it whimpered, and ask why the eldest didn't know how to use a knife yet).

[Scummy Mummy]

My mum is dead. I wish she wasn't, but she is. She never saw any of my 3 children, having died 7 years before the oldest was born. What sort of granny would she have been? Brilliant I imagine. And also, infuriating. And funny. And annoying. And effective. And rubbish. Because, if she was still alive, she would still be - presumably, human, and she'd still be my mum, with all that the mother daughter relationship entails.

I know she would have loved her grandchildren. I know she'd worry about them being vegetarian. I know she'd argue with them about whether Jon Pertwee or David Tennant is the best Doctor Who. I know she would be proud of their triumphs, and supportive of them when they have problems.

Would she help out? I'm sure she would, she would have bent over backwards. Would I let her? Not sure. Because if she was alive, I wouldn't know how desperately I still miss her even though she has been gone for 16 years.

[Theta]

Further down the line,how many of todays 30/40-something Mums and Dads whose stellar career progressions are grandparent dependent will feel like 'paying back'? If we want our children to be cared for by Grandma or Grandad because of the fact it's a loving relationship, flexible and best of all free - will todays career people want to chuck it all up to wipe their parents drooling mouths/bottoms - methinks not. Am only saying this out of bitterness as 3 out of 4 grandparents are dead and the only one left is 80. Having no relatives living nearby who are able to help even occasionally makes it a lot harder than I'd imagined. Not having a supergranny to provide on tap childcare is one thing, knowing you will never have any family help under any circumstances and always having to rely on swopsies with friends is quite another. It is the blips of childhood illnesses and public transport shennanigans that can make or break quite a bit on the career front. The situation of having elderly dependant parents seems quite similar to having children in terms of the demands it can place on people but care homes are far more expensive than childcare. What do people think will happen demographically or personally?

[Emily]

My mum lives five minutes from me. I probably call her everyday and see her once a week. She doesn't formally look after the kids, I use a nursery but she is there for emergencies - when I have an extra shift or they are ill. She also babysits in the evenings so we can go out once in a while.

The best thing of all is she is up for being a great nan to them both. She plays with them, allows them to get wet in the sink and dirty in the garden and makes stuff with them. She bakes them cakes, takes them on walks and has the calm (even though she works too) to slow down and show them the world I am too busy rushing past to get everything done in the 24 hours I have in a day.

I know people whose parents wash and iron their clothes and look after their kids all week while they work. Sometimes I feel they are missing out on the special "treat" grandparent relationship but moving into the grind of parenthood for the second time.

[Jennifer Howze]

My daughter's grannies are alphagrans. My mother in law, who is the one who lives closest to us (hour and a half) works 5 days a week. My mom is in Texas so we obviously see her less frequently, but I'm not so sure she could fit us in between her investing club, volunteering, teaching and other activities.

[Tess]

The fact that my Mother is dead prevented her from dropping her knitting and her hotfooting it to my hospital bed when I gave birth to twins late last year. But the article did make me wonder whether, had she been around, she would have been of any use. This was a lady who had trained as a paediatric nurse and supposedly had a knack with pink-faced, wobbly infants but I do wonder how charmed she would have been when faced with my expectations of Grandmotherly assistance. In spite of our poor relationship (we were not close at all) I found myself longing for my mother as only one can when one has been carved open with an emergency c-section and left to wallow in one’s own fluids on a hospital bed with a baby either side. Had she been alive I have no doubt that I would have sobbed into the telephone and expected her to come running. After all, isn’t this what mother’s are supposed to do for their daughters? I’m not so sure. Things seem to have changed. We’re all so busy achieving careers and knowing everything that there doesn’t seem much space for wanting our mothers. Until we actually need them that is.
I hired a maternity nurse for three wonderful and expensive months and she took the place of my mother and then some. She helped me, educated me and cared for me in the way that a mother would but, because I was paying for her, she didn’t leave when the cat needed feeding or it was time for her fortnightly bridge meet. And because she wasn’t family there were no rows over how to cook a chicken or the best way to fold a babygrow. Even better, there were no disapproving looks from friends or family when we mentioned our plans for post-natal childcare but rather pitying nods of agreement. With twins people just feel sorry for you. However, I’d have done the same if there had been just one baby in my tummy as, at the end of the day I needed a mother; mine or hired.

Who knows if my mother would have risen to the occasion. I doubt it, but it’s something I’ll never know. Instead I do know that a maternity nurse saved my sanity, taught me more than a dozen books could teach me and didn’t tell me off for biting my nails.

[Elle]

My mother lives too far for me but will look after my sister's children but on her terms. I think that's perfectly normal and acceptable. She had her fair share of caring and having to fit her life around children. I certainly don't expect her to change any of her plans because of her grandchildren.

[kieransmum]

Isn't it a bit selfish, though, to complain about alphagrannies having a life of their own - presumably, very often, having brought up their own children?
My mother can't offer much help, because she's busy with her career - but I rejoice to see it, knowing that she gave up eleven years of her working life for us kids. It only seems fair that she has some time to enjoy her career now.

[supermother]

Don;t look at this through rose tinted spectacles however. Granny or grandfather care isn't always a panacea as anyone from a culture where you live with your husband's parents can testify to. Sometimes the separateness and employer/employee relationship of a nanny is easier. However I think more childcare in the UK is provided in the UK from a granny than any source other than parents so that's interesting too.

Unlike most super alpha mothers I started having gorgeous babies when I was 22 and working full time so given I've 3 children at university now and I'm only in my 40s I might well be a granny whilst I still have another 30 years of working life. When they were little about an hour or two was my limit with them and I doubt I'll feel like being an unpaid bottom wiper and cleaner for the next generation either. I know one grandparent who hired a nanny for the day a week he was left to babysit. Good to appreciate your own limitations.

What struck me about the Times article was mothers not trusting their instincts any more and treating parenthood like some kind of second career you need training in and an MBA equivalent. Babies just need cuddles, lots of breastfeeding and to be kept clean and warm preferably close to your body adn then they're fine. Having someone in and around the house after the birth even your own parents isn't actually what all new parents want. Sometimes they want peace, time to settle down on their own and the last thing they want is someone else there. I think it would have played havoc with my let down reflex to have some stranger know it all paid huge sums to fuss around when I was working it out and bonding on my own right after birth.

[Lou]

I think the third problem is distance and the fact not everyone lives near their mothers - referred to be a couple of comments here. My mum is retired - although not a white haired knitter - and would love to be more involved in my daughter's upbringing. But the fact that she lives so far away means that she can only visit for fairly long stays every so often. We have tried to persuade her to move closer but she isn't keen - and quite frankly, why should she, when her life is elsewhere? Unfortunately, Grandma 2 died some time ago.

It does annoy me when people eg. nursery, health visitors, GP staff ask me why Granny can't do it? There does still seem to be an assumption that grandparents are available for everyone and it is good that this article, and subsequent comments, demonstrate that it isn't just me!

[Yummy Mummy]

Totally agree with this article. My mom is too busy to help because of her career. She even asked me to quit my job to take care of my baby! I could not believe it. She loves taking care of little one but no, she can't travel here when I need her in the weekdays and when my baby is ill and I need to work, she asked me to cancel the meeting. Yeah, right.... I miss my grandmother to help with this things. Unfortunately, she is too old. And for my mother-in-law? she is overbooked by my sister-in-law's baby.

[AmIreallyamum?]

Second reason - alphagranny may sadly have "passed away". The middle/upper classes are largely behind the older mummy trend and as a result our alphamummy's mummys are a wee bit older and either less able to care or just not there. Luckily our stellar careers (!) have provided us with funds in lieu of such support, and hence we are lining up for the services of maternity nurses - who - lets face it - are not cheap. Having used one for number 2 daughter's arrival I would highly recommend it - just get the handcuffs in because you will not want them to leave.

[Beta Mum]

We have three grannies in our family - owing to divorce and re-marriage on my side - but was one of them available to look after our kids so we could attend a Big overnight birthday party in Cornwall?
No siree.
One has already had eight kids of her own, folowed by 15 grandchildren, and won't have us to stay the night any more. She says she's done her bit and is too old to cope.
One is on a cruise up the Amazon for five weeks.
The other is at her holiday home in Spain.
So we've had to ask a Put Upon Friend to have our two, on a school night, when her kids don't even go to the same school as ours.
No willing, white-haired, knit-one purl-one grannies for us.