What is the problem with Caesareans?

What is the problem with Caesareans? Why do some women see them as a personal disaster? "I'd never failed at anything", says Kerry Baggott, until she didn't give birth the way she had planned. (Read Kerry Baggott's piece on her Caesarean in Body & Soul). But whoever said that having a baby was some kind of test to be passed or failed? Of course it's understandable that women should want the process to be as natural as possible. But it should come as no surprise that Mother Nature can be harsh. And childbirth is a biological process that some women are physically more suited to than others. Many of those who aren't used to die. In the last 50 years there has been a decrease of 83 per cent in  maternal mortality rates, and the decrease in deaths of the baby is 78 per cent. 

What worries me is a new breed of mothers who see everything in life as a test of their abilities. There's a type of young professional in their 30s, who got into the best schools, did well in exams, not to mention playing five-a-side and being a prefect. Women's liberation has done them proud: they went to the right universities, got great jobs, promotions. With the material rewards they buy the desirable flat and car, go on holidays to the right places.

Next on the list, girls? Find the right man and give birth the right way - as if another human being is a commodity to be chosen for its desirable attributes; delivering a baby a task for which you get marks out of ten. But there's no application form to fill in for becoming a wife and mother. Finding a man isn't like buying a car. Giving birth isn't like an appraisal with your boss. Feminism has empowered women in so many ways - but how did it reduce them to thinking like this?

Has Kerry thought about how her daughter might feel about Mummy marking her arrival in the world as a failure? She is "pinning all her hopes" on giving birth to her second baby, due soon, naturally. Good luck to her. But what would it be like for little Charlotte to grow up thinking the arrival of her younger sibling, by contrast, was "a success"? Motherhood can be challenging enough without adding fat to the fire of sibling rivalry.

I had two Caesareans, one unplanned and one elective. I won't bore you with the reasons. Why dwell on something that however long and painful is one small step in the exhausting, rewarding, endless learning curve of being a parent? I'm a professional woman who left having children until very late. I'm very grateful that my bright and bouncy children are here at all. Come on Kerry - you've got a gorgeous baby, and there's another on the way. Now get a life.

HILLY JANES, EDITOR, BODY & SOUL

UPDATE: "Thank you for the advice to 'Get a life'": Kelly Baggott replies in the comments.

PREVIOUSLY: Tiffanie Darke on The Natural Conspiracy

Comments

[Nicole]

I haven't had any children yet...
I would like as natural a birth as possible - for my sake rather than any feelings of guilt. I don't react well to anaesthetic or drugs so to have them if they weren't necessary would seem crazy to me. Having said that, it wouldn't upset me if I needed drugs on the day or if I had to have a C-section. At the end of the day, it's the baby that matters and as long as the baby is alive and healthy then i'd be happy. I don't think there's any stigma involved either way these days, whether it's personal choice or an emergency decision, a baby is being delivered and that's the important thing.

[Kathleen Keys]

Here is a word of advice to all you mothers who have given birth by ceasarian section,try to stop making an issue of it.As long as your babies are healthy what does it matter how they came into the world?.Believe me there is a lot more to face as your children are growing up. I am 63 years old and both of my children were born by emergency C-section 37 and 34 years ago.I will spare you all the gory details as you seem to have all experienced them, and conditions were far worse then than what they are now. I would just like to state that both of my sons were brought out of me more dead than alive and I almost died during the birth of my first son.Despite all of this it never occured to me that I had missed out on anything or that I had failed as a mother in anyway .A woman who fails as a mother is one who neglects or harms her child regardless of how the child was born I was just eternally grateful that I brought home two normal healthy babies despite the seriously ill condition they were both in when born and my life had been saved also. Both of my sons are aware they were born by C-section but they just regard it as a point of interest, it certainly dosent make them feel any different.To all of you new mothers who seem concerned about the way your babies were born,stop worrying,because in 30-40 years time it will seem a trivial matter, I know you dont believe me now but you will do in time

[Mum of two]

I'm shocked to read all the comments about caesarean being a 'relatively pain-free' way of giving birth. I have had one caesarean and one natural birth. The caesarean was unplanned, and seems to have been for very little reason or 'just in case'. We met with a consultant when I became pregnant again to discuss a number of issues and there were no real reasons for the caesarean.

The actual operation wasn't painful but post-natally I was in a lot of pain. The operation is a major one, yet women are sent home from hospital to look after a newborn baby. Thankfully my husband didn't start his paternity leave until I came home from hospital - I found it hard to lift my daughter, change her, feed her. It was painful to stand up, to sneeze or to cough. It was painful to walk. For months afterwards I would get uncomfortable if I tried to walk at my normal pace.

And to those misguided souls who think that a caesarean spares you from stress incontinence etc - this is actually caused by the impact of pregnancy on the pelvic floor and the birth of the baby has little to do with it (obviously major tears and episiotomies are another issue). The woman who can bounce on a trampoline and thanks her caesareans presumably either is lucky enough to have good pelvic floor muscles or has been doing her exercises.

[Christina Georgiou]

Its not the giving birth that makes you a success as a mother, its the bringing up of the child!

I had a really traumatic birth of my first daughter, but you do have to get over it and get on with the rest of your life.

So what if you had to have a caesarian/epidural/ventouse etc etc, the plain fact is just be happy you got a healthy baby and you got out of the hospital in one piece.

To be honest I am sick to death of women wringing their hands over the fact they had a certain idea in their head about how they wanted to give birth and it didnt happen. Thats life, deal with it!

[Jules]

This is certainly an interesting debate and one which has many points of view. I can understand the disappointment outlined by Kerry in what I assume was her first birth. There is a great deal of pressure put on mothers to be to have a 'natural / holistic' birth and this is give some kind of smug status.

However, I suffered a placental abruption in the eighth month of my first pregnancy and had to deliver a stillborn baby. Happily I went on to have a healthy baby afterwards by natural birth. I was induced early to be on the safe side and heavily monitored. However, once you have gone through an experience like that though all you care about is having a live, healthy baby.

My advice to anyone about to give birth is to focus on the end result and however that is achieved is a blessing. The only thing that counts is getting the child out safely.

[Ladyhelen]

I've just caught up on all this debate about Kerry's article and Hilly's response. All very interesting. Can I just stick my tupppence worth in?

I think Kerry was very honest and brave in coming forward and writing about her feelings on her daughter's birth and many of the reponses illustrate exactly why she feels this way. I too feel sad that women make other women feel guilty about all this - be it the guilt felt over "failing" to deliver your baby naturally or the guilt felt for feeling guilty. It is the way other people have pushed their own beliefs about the way we should deliver our babies that is why Kerry feels like this, and the same people who then villify her for feeling guilty! I understand why Kerry wrote what she did - all through my NHS ante natal classes we were all gearing to the vaginal delivery. Some mention of the possibility of a caesarian, but not enough. Women do need to know more about this and have a chance to work through ALL the possibilities. In my mind, NCT is even worse for this. I was not a member and that was a choice as I did not want to be told how I should deliver my baby by the NCT as I knew that I had no idea how my birth would go - I was just going to see and go with the flow but the possibilty of me not being able to stand the pain meant that I was open to an epidural. Hence I did not write a birth plan. I KNOW not all NCT members feel that way, but it does seem to be their philosophy that makes those like Kerry regret what happened when in reality she knows that c section was for the best, but needs to come to terms with it, and without people having a go at her for just having these feelings.
MY view is that we should discuss all options for delivery in much more detail beforehand and nobody should ever feel that because they didn't deliver vaginally they have failed. If this was done before, no one would feel guilty.

[susan twine]

i fail to see why women want to give birth without pain relief, you wouldnt go to a dentist to have fillings or extractions and specify no pain relief. Is it a virture to suffer?? surely all that matters is that at the end of labour you have a healthy baby.
I gave birth to 3 babies with a little help from a painkiller, i would have loved to have had the choice of a c- section .As to Kerry feeling guilty that she didnt have a natural birth, thats rubbish.
Feel guilty if you dont look after your baby , and put her first ,Kerry,thats what really matters.

[Jude]

As the child of Irish Catholic parents, I thought I had the patent on guilty feelings until I became a mother 2 years ago. It appears to be possible to feel guilty about everything, quite irrationally, but nonetheless heartfelt and harrowing as Kerry's article suggests about her own experience. I would have thought more mothers (all!) should understand the type of feeling even if they didn't experience it in their birth experience for example. I felt inadequate that breastfeeding didn't go as well I had hoped and wept the first time i gave my son a bottle - totally illogical, it's not poison and he started putting on weight finally!

I think we all need to forgive ourselves a little and be more understanding of other mothers. Children's most basic need is to be absolutely loved and I'm sure Kerry loves her daughter. There are options for birthing and feeding that all, eventually, accomplish the same outcome. She should be commended for being so honest.

Ask yourself this, in 20 years time will your child care whether you gave birth vaginally or C section, whether you breasfed or bottle fed, whether you gave birth in a hospital or at home surrounded by candles (yeah right who one earth manages to do that - naked flames and a newborn?)

What they will care about is did you go on about how much you regretted x or y or sink into depression because of it.

providing your kid is healthy and reasoanbly happy why is it such a big deal?

[michele]

OK I've made my thoughts clear from the point of view of being a mother who gave birth via caesarean. Here is my point of view from the position of being a child who was delivered by caesarean. I am glad I was delivered by caesarean. it was necessary from a medical stand point but quite apart from that I can look back to my birth and have no uncomfortable 'yucky' feelings about having been in contact with my mother's nether regions. I have spoken to quite a few people about this, folk who were born 'naturally' and 'unnatural' types like myself. I have not found one person who could honestly say that thinking about being squeezed out of their maternal parents private parts gave them any feelings other than those ranging from mild queaziness to out an out revulsion. So those mums who feel failures can at least console themselves that there is one mine field of psychiatric complication nicely avoided in their relationships with their children even if it gets substituted with another less yicky one. My personal analagy is this, when I leave a hotel room, I prefer to use the door - I don't leap down the laundry chute.
Happy Mother's Day everyone.

[Kate]

I have read all the comments with great interest. I had an emergency caesarian 2 yrs ago after a labour that started off completely normally and was moving on crackingly before my son developed fetal distress and we were rushed into theatre. Do I regret it or feel guilty?....er no. I'm just glad we all came through safely and I had a far less rough time than a number of NCT class friends who were determined to have natural births and suffered all sorts of agonies without pain relief. Some of whom are traumatised still.

Unfortunately it is seemingly random that one woman can have a perfectly normal , manageable labour and be home 6 hrs later when others have experiences above.
For the first part of my labour I had a glimpse into how lovely and empowering it can be when labour works as intended. I had minimal pain relief for the first 12 hrs(not through choice, I just didn't need it)and I can see how women who have been through that type of birth can potentially get quite fixated on it, and find it hard to consider the alternatives - the NCT type aproach.

This type of birth does not come about necessarily through good preparation or attending yoga, it is the luck of your body shape and timing , baby size etc etc. There should be more preparation and advice to women in antenatal classes to help them understand that they may not have the quick painless birth they hoped for and any other way out is still a miracle in itself and not to be regretted.
I think this is the crux of the issue - women are made to feel that a natural birth is available to all if you just approach it right.
In my NCT class of 7 professional women, one had a lovely water birth with no complications, 2 had to be induced and ended up with emergency caesarians,and 3 had prolonged and traumatic vaginal births (and at least one is determined to have a caesarian next time round)

What would I do next time? Probably elective section. Do I feel guilty? Hell no!

[Ursula]

Kerry, I agree with everything you say about your feelings of failure - but I would give anything to have had a c.section instead of the horrific forceps delivery of my 9lb 9oz son . I endured years of humiliating visits to doctors before they finally conceded that the tear resulting from the episiotomy was indeed 3rd degree, and I required extensive and repeated surgical repair to my rectum and vagina, culminating 2 years ago in a uterine prolapse repair undertaken in the USA. The experience of my son's birth ruined my life, my sex life, and my whole sense of self. Like you, I really did everything to give birth naturally, but had no choice in the end. I cannot change what happened, but urge you to consider yourself very, very lucky indeed to have emerged with your pelvic anatomy intact enough to even consider a second pregnancy.

[Aden's Mum]

Whilst I am obviously concerned that a few women are clearly being plunged into post-natal depression by their traumatic birthing experiences, I have to concur with the comments of others who have found the entire road to motherhood to be something of a hurdle.

My (single) birth experience was truly horrendous - induction, followed by several failed attempts with a ventouse, followed by an emergency C-section; all topped off with an infection that entailed re-admission to hospital within a week. I then couldn't breastfeed due to dehydration ...

You might expect me to feel shortchanged, or perhaps to have had problems bonding with my son (now 7). Not at all, since he was born after 6 years of failed pregnancies - comprising an ectopic and 4 miscarriages. Unsurprisingly, I found that the entire experience helped me to focus my expectations of motherhood into sharp perspective.

I truly appreciate every single day with my son and while I have many regrets, but they are certainly not over the details of his birth. I firmly believe that there are more important issues to dwell upon in this debate, but perhaps it's not until you personally face them that you realise what they are.

[Kids are sleeping]

I read and re-read Kerry’s words, where she expressed her overwhelming feeling of failure at having had a caesarean section. I couldn’t empathise with her experience, having had two children (2 years, and 3 months respectively) delivered vaginally, and thank G-d, without complication.

What hit a nerve however was that the emotions she expressed mirrored so accurately my own in relation to an altogether different aspect of mothering. I also feel a deep sense of failure, having been unable to fulfil my babies’ most basic need. I did not breastfeed beyond a few weeks – 6 in the case of my daughter and 1 week most recently with my now 3 month old son.

From the moment of my daughter’s birth, it is fair to say that breastfeeding did not come naturally and I sought out help from various breastfeeding advisors. As the feeding became progressively harder, I felt a desperate desire to continue feeding her. My husband says it was a masochistic struggle on my part and extremely hard to witness on his.

During my second pregnancy, I knew that I would try to breastfeed again, claiming nonchalantly to others, ‘if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work and that will be that’. Well, it didn’t work, and that has been that. Although, the truth is that privately I feel that same mixture of failure, guilt and extreme disappointment as I did the first time around. In quiet moments with my son, I have actually apologised out loud.

It’s laughable really. And possibly more with a second child as I have the benefit of having seen a formula fed baby grow, develop and hit milestones in line with her peers. My daughter is a boundless bundle of mischief and fun.

I do of course feel truly blessed to have two healthy children and as Kerry points out, I recognise that having these emotions is ludicrous. Like her, I am also embarrassed to admit that I feel this way.

People have spoken to me of the pressure to breastfeed, but I know that in my case, the pressure lies squarely with me. I try to believe (and my husband has tried to convince me endless times) that I persevered and did all I could to try and feed both of our children. He tells me that there is a limit to the level of discomfort and stress, brought on by cracked and bleeding nipples, extended and frequent feeding, engorgement and mastitis, that anyone can take.

I do try to believe that, but I also, still question if there was something more I could have done.

And so I need to come to some kind of resolution on all of this.

If we believe in the whole primeval rite of passage that is giving birth to and feeding a child, we are inevitably comparing ourselves to countless generations of women. Women who have seemingly done both ‘give birth’ and breastfeed successfully. Anything short of perfection may, by some of us, always be perceived as failure.

It also seems to me that one outcome of maternal instinct is to question every action from birth onwards. This in itself can become an almost self-destructive desire to do and be the best for ones children. These often self-imposed high expectations may start with a caesarean section or failure to breastfeed, but they will not stop there.

I had thought I would overcome these emotions once and for all. This discussion makes me realise that they’ll always be latent, however it does re-confirm my intention to take the time to really look at my children and just marvel that they are here. At the moment I know two people undergoing IVF, who would give up almost everything else in life, just to call themselves parents.

[Jelena Jovicic]

It really surprised me to see a great number of women
just thinking about this theme, since I have never
heard such analysis and personal confession on the
subject publicly in my country (Serbia). But what I
read struck me in a moment, recalling my own feelings
and dilemmas and life crossings from the period of
pregnancy and child birth. I am 32 now, journalist by
vocation, brought up in the upper-middle class
western-like style, with all the education and
activities that was then affordable in my country.
Always a brilliant student, among best university
graduates and after that a journalist with respectable
start and beginning of a career. I cannot say that I
have ever competed with men as male representatives of
humans in particular, because we were always taught to
progress and progress in chosen field as
professionals, not determined by our gender. And that
is where, in my opinion, disturbing mistake is being
made.
I came from London in June 2003 where I reported, as
the only reporter from this region, from Queen
Elisabeth's Coronation Celebration. It was the peak of
my career and I was very proud of myself. Two days
after landing back I realised I was pregnant. Not to
mention that I was more than happy. I was 28 then and
the child would have been just a cream on the cake, as
we say. I felt that world is under my feet and that
nothing, or nobody can pull me out of my balance. But,
everything turned upside down quicker then I was able
to accept it. It was very hot in Belgrade that June, I
worked for 12 hours a day and suddenly started to
bleed. Doctor's diagnosis was: "Either you are going
to lie down still, or you will lose your baby!" I was
shocked and so fearful while I was watching my husband
continuing his usual daily activities and me
interrupted in my well-known world stepping into
something I knew nothing about. It was then when I
started realising that we (man and women) are not the
same actually, because that was pretty obvious in my
case. The wish to have a natural delivery came as a
logical result of nine-month intensive thinking of
'what is happening, my god' because I truly wanted to
experience that
what-it-exclusively-means-to-be-a-woman feeling,
something that is privilege only for women and what no
man, however mighty could be, can never and never
reveal. I wanted to remember that moment when a small
being is taken out from you as it is rare experience,
once or twice in life. But, of course, it didn't
happen. During last month I got high blood pressure,
my legs started to swell and I began to realise, even
if my doctor was not precise, that I was miles away
from natural birth. I was sad. And a bit disappointed.
The unique experience was to be gone. On that
particular day, doctors were trying to do a natural
delivery as long as it was safe for me and baby, but
they gave up in the end and made c-section. In the
days afterward I was so exhausted, couldn't move with
ease, everything hurt so much, the milk came after
four days and everything was prolonged. I didn't have
neither time nor strength to think about the way I was
delivered but I always felt something was missing and
there was one detail left to complete the whole
picture. I don't know if it has had a consequence on
my attitude toward my child, if the child misses
anything deeply inside by not coming naturally. But I
know for sure that I don't want another one experience
like that and if I ever stay pregnant again I will
certainly wish to have a natural birth. C-section
really makes you feel you had a failure of some kind
and that you were not on the height of the task you
were given.

Best regards,

Jelena Jovicic

[MUMOFTWO]

I have found this a fascinating debate. I think this tendency to compare one's to some 'ideal' birthing experience is the problem. I don't know anyone whose birth actually had 'textbook' natural birth or wasn't in some way startled, scared or disappointed, especially first time round; even my friend who had a water birth said she was disappointed she was so out of it on gas and air that quite frankly it wouldn't have mattered where she was! I think the problem is that often first-time mums have very little experience about knowing about labour and childbirth, it all takes place (perhaps luckily) out of sight in our culture and kind friends who have already given birth don't always tell us the whole story beforehand, so we have to piece together what we think it might be like from things we've seen on Casualty and from NCT classes (my instructor included the classic birthing step 'then have a glass of wine once you are done' which didn't really have much resonance for me after a three day/night labour...) Then the very primal and frightening experience of birth is an utter shock, whether you go for perhaps your first major operation or whether you go 'natural' (though having your baby dragged out by a ventouse after it got stuck stretches the description somewhat!) I'm not sure how this could be solved, but we do seem to lack knowledge as a community of women about labour, birth, breastfeeding or any other kind of feeding, which gives you a horrible feeling that you are doing it wrong and everyone else is doing it right. In my first horrible birth, I kept thinking back to that NCT teacher who told us our bodies would know what to do and that we were made for birthing, and thinking 'well, mine seems to be doing it all wrong, it obviously has forgotten how to do it'. It is down to clinical need; I needed an episiotomy first time around, very unfashionable, but an absolute life-saver for me and my gorgous girl, I healed with no problems and was utterly glad I hadn't been left to tear which was the obvious outcome given she was stuck! I guess Caesarians are the same. It is difficult not to feel like one's body didn't function like a proper woman somehow though by having to have interventions of any type, though I can't say I think of it like that nowadays. People do approve if you give birth without any assistance ( which I also have) and you do have a primal sense of having done what you should have done, however illogical as presumably it would have been 'natural' to die first time around!

No answers from me, but a great discussion.

[Carla]

Both my pregnancies ended in C-sections. My first was an elective due to serious complications which could have resulted in both of us dying, and I'm not being dramatic! He was quite underweight, and wouldn't sleep for what felt like more than five minutes at a time (I know, usual story). As a result, because I breastfed him, we bonded very quickly, he gained weight extremely quickly, and is now a very healthy 4 year old, whom I love dearly. I certainly don't feel like the fact that I had a C-section, under general anaesthetic no less, detracted in any way the joy and relief of seeing my newborn child.
My second son was also delivered by C- section but under different circumstances. He was a very big baby, who didn't want to come out, and after some discussion it was decided the best thing was to have another C-section. It was wonderful to be awake this time, and to see my boy, nearly twice as big as his brother was, being delivered. He is now a very healthy, big, 16 month old, whom I love very much.
My point is, I really didn't care how my boys were born, my care was excellent, and I certainly don't feel like I failed my children for not giving them or myself the so-called experience of natural birth. Should we decide to have a third child, I will be having an elective caesarian.

This is all about, at the most, two days out of your life. Your child, God willing, is with you forever. Who cares how they got here

[Emily K]

While childbirth will always be an emotional event, I can't help but thing that if we stopped classifying one type of delivery as natural and somehow better than others, many women would have one less thing to worry about, feel guilty over, et cetera. Even what is "natural" comes into question. I've known women who defined this as simply not a c-section; others the absence of pain killers; and for one, it meant a home birth in a kiddie pool.
My mother had both her children by C-section, but never viewed it as a failure. When a doctor was insensitive to her(when I was born, they dissapproved of a woman in her late twenties giving birth and weren't happy that I was mixed race; with my sister, they were still unhappy and rude about my mother's age), she was able to keep her spirits up in part because no one among her friends and family we're labeling her a "failure" for giving birth "unnaturally."

[nina]

I had a c-section for the simple reason that I did not want to go through the pain and difficulty of natural child birth. Does that make me a failure? No. Why go through a difficult childbirth and risk harm to your child and yourself.

[Elizabeth thomas]

I'm sure Kelly does feel attacked by some of the women commenting here, but it's obvious from the emotions expressed here that birth is a very emotive subject. I can see both sides to this. I am a (non-practicing) midwife and have seen many deliveries.Feeling out of control in labour can be very traumatising and I know this feeling can last. You cannot tell someone to just 'get over it'. It is important to have support and counselling to work through these feelings.
On the other hand I have seen some very sad things, including stillborn babies and I know how precious the life of our children is. Women and babies still die all over the developing world in frightening numbers, after going through unimaginable suffering, and women can be left horribly disabled by birth. Pregnancy must be a very frightening prospect for these women. Caesarian section has saved many, many lives. I agree it is carried out too often, but this is not because health professionals are callous.
If there is a need to grieve for the birth you didn't have then do so with help if necessary. But it is so important to put caesarean section into perspective. Birth has never been safer.
Elizabeth

[2LOST3SURVIVED]

It seems that saying "at least you have a healthy child" to a woman who delivered unwilling by C-section is as useful as saying to a mother who has just lost her infant to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death "at least you can have more."

Is it so hard to allow the grief be that some of us will naturally have? You can't fight emotion with logic.

Every woman should allow themselves to work through their grief (even if it is just the loss of the dream) and others should support them in their struggle.

Think compassion (whether you think the situation is deserving of the reaction or not.)

[Just a normal mum]

To all of you women out there who have criticised Kerry, might I suggest you all try to remember your experiences of the emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy, childbirth and indeed parenting. Whilst you may not empathise with Kerry, surely a little understanding is possible? When my second child was born, I had to stop breastfeeding after two weeks, having developed a serious kidney infection which hospitalised me for nine days. Even now, six years later I still feel like I failed my son on some level - some may look at that as being totally illogical, but that's how I feel, which is what it all boils down to - feelings, which can't be switched on and off. Let she who is without one single regret in life cast the first stone.

[a woman]

the thought of "natural childbirth", fills me with the sort of fear reserved for the dentists. Call me strange, but there is NOTHING natural about a baby coming out of there!
I'm all pro C-sections, at the end of the day women have to bear a child for 9 months, its their choice how they have it!

[Nameless mother]

I was forced into having a c section I did not want because with my third baby being breech I was told my baby was too big for me to give birth naturally.It transpired that this was not the case as she was a lot lighter than they predicted and it would definately have been possible to give birth naturally. Having been forced into this situation led to a severe infection of the womb caused by afterbirth left inside. I was ill for quite some time within this period and accused by the hospital involved of being a time waster when I tried to address the fact that I felt unwell, had my family doctor not diagnosed the problem I would most definately have died.I was treated with contempt by the hospital staff. At my post natal I was ushered into a side room on my arrival and blasted out by the consultant in charge of my case because unknown to me at the time my husband had put in a claim because of what had happened. The same hospital took me in for a scrape from which further heartache was to arise. For two years I did not see a period and, living in another area I agaain was taken into hospital for another scrape and finally became pregnant with a longed for fourth child. At 28 weeks I was rushed to hospital in pain and to cut a long story short my womb split at the top and I had to have another emergancy c section, and altough my baby was viable their was no space in the special care baby unit and my baby died two days later. I accidentally became pregnant again and lost this baby at 25 weeks and also had to have my womb taken away at a young age of 32. I was accused of having abortions because of the state of my womb when I lost my fourth child which was totally untrue and I was intending to sue the original hospital involved because I believed their treatment of me at the time of giving birth to my third child had caused all the problems I had endured since that date. I did not take the hospital to court for one reason only. No amount of money could have given me back the babies I had lost or indeed give me back to right to become a mother again. I am totally against c sections unless they are absolutely neccesary and any woman opting for one for personal reasons, especially lifestyle ones, rather than medical probably should'nt get pregnant in the first place. Nothing could have prepared me for the trauma and heartache I have suffered over the years because of that initial unwanted c section and if any woman is foolish enough not to take into consideration the possible consequences of her actions then she does so at her own peril.

[Debbie]

I absolutely empathise with Kerry over the birth of her first child. It sounded so similar to my first birth experience. I to had been a highly succesful career woman and had rarely failed at anything. I thought the whole natural birth thing would be a breeze as long as I prepared myself for it enough. I attended pre-natal yoga and read everything I could. When I had an emergency c-section after 3 days of contactions and about 18 hours of fulll on labour, I was totally traumatised by the whole thing and felt a complete failure for not having the birth I had envisaged. When I got fell pregnant with my second child I couldn't even bring myself to think about the birth. The hospital assumed I would have another c section, but after a chance meeting with a doula, I decided to go ahead with a VBAC. My doula organised a healing birth course which 7 pregant women who had experienced similar traumatic births attended over a 6 week period. We told our stories, supported each other, laughed and cried and together we overcame our feelings of failure and trauma. It took a huge battle with the hospital to be "allowed" to have a natural birth, as I was considered such a high risk pregnancy (I was 43 at the time) . But with all the work and love and support of my healing birth group and our doula with us through the birth I had a wonderful short natural labour and gave birth to another beautiful girl. I had prepared a birth plan, but was also much more willing to go with the flow and do what ever I needed to ( including having drugs) to achieve the birth. I was also in the right mind space to have a c-section should it prove necessary and had included it in my birth plan this time.It was the best moment of my life when Annie was born and finally I felt like a real woman. Are all these feeling illogical and ludicrous? NO, they are real feelings and need to be dealt with. They also led me to post natal depression amongst other things. And as for the stupid comment that expressing these feelings will somehow affect the way your daughter feels as she grows up is as offensive as it is ridiculous. My two daughters are both equally loved and I would not dream of discussing the birth with them until they are grown up and then only if they want to know. It is not a topic of conversation around our dinner table. My advice to you would be to find some like minded mothers - I can gaurantee there are plenty of them out there and get together, talk it all through and feel the love and support of others of us who feel exactly the same way.

I hope that your second birth experience will be what you dreamed for and don't allow those offensive comments deter you from expressing your true feelings, in order that you can resolve them and deal with them.