Why I believe abortion is part of being a good mother

On Wednesday, More4 broadcast Travels with My Camera – A Matter of Life and Death, a “personal journey” documentary by the journalist Miranda Sawyer. This was heralded by a piece in the Observer - later reprinted in the Daily Mail - penned by Sawyer, explaining the purpose of her quest. Sawyer’s dilemma has been that, until recently, she had been a died-in-the-wool, card-carrying, pro-choice feminist.

Following the birth of her son last year, however, Sawyer had begun to have doubts about the ethics and logic of abortion. “I was calling the life inside me a baby, because I wanted it,” she wrote, after visiting picketed abortion clinics in America. “Yet if I hadn't - as would perhaps have been the case ten years earlier - I would have thought of it as just a group of cells it was OK to kill. It was the same entity. It was merely my response to it that determined whether it would live or die. That seemed irrational to me. Maybe even immoral.”

Later, she explained that, “When you've experienced pregnancy and birth, and the fantastic beauty of the resulting child, it's hard not to question what a termination does, or is.”

In a nutshell, since becoming a mother, Sawyer has found herself - whilst still ultimately agreeing that women should be able to have abortions - becoming more troubled by the pro-life argument.

It’s odd because, since I had children, I’ve found myself becoming much less troubled by the pro-life argument. Of course, that echoes that old, black-humoured mum joke, often heard in playgrounds on wintry February afternoons – “What do you think should be the cut-off point for terminations?” “I dunno – secondary school?” - but also reflects how many issues still remain within the abortion debate.

In the fortieth anniversary year of its legalization in this country, there are still a great many assumptions and taboos around abortion.

Last year, Guardian columnist Zoe Williams wrote a wholly clear-headed and admirable piece, examining why women always felt compelled to preface discussion about their abortions with an obligatory, “Of course, it’s terribly traumatic - no woman enters into this lightly.” She went on to explain that this is because, however liberal a society is, it assumes that, at it’s absolute core, abortion is wrong - but that a forgiving state must make legal and medical provision for it, lest desperate women do a Vera Drake down a back alley, and make things even worse.

Abortions are never seen as a positive thing – as any other operation to remedy a potentially life-ruining condition would. Women never speak publicly about their abortions with happy, relieved gratitude, in the same way that they would about a vital job promotion, say, or leaving an abusive partner - despite that fact that both of these would impact much, much less on their lives than an unwanted child. There are no “Good luck with your morning after pill!” cards. People don’t make jokes about it – despite the fact that all the truest jokes are about vexed topics, and cover every other subject, including cancer, death and God.

Yet however much a single, childless woman isn’t encouraged to discuss her positive abortion experience, this pales in comparison with women who already have children, who then decide to have abortions.

Our view of motherhood is still so idealized and misty – mother, gentle giver of life – that the thought of a mother calling it a day after, say, two children, setting limits on her capacity to nurture, and refusing to give further life, seems obscene. Just as mothers must pretend that they love other people’s children, never wish to be violent, or get hog-whimperingly drunk, wear a cowboy hat and ride one of those bucking mechanized rodeo cows, so they must pretend that they are loving and protective of all life, however nascent or putative it might be. They should, we still quietly believe, deep down inside, be prepared to give and give and give, until they simply wear out.

The greatest mother - the perfect mother - would carry to term every child she conceived, no matter how disruptive or ruinous, because her love would be great enough for anything. I have problems with that assumption.

The first is that I believe something very elemental and, in the most academic sense, non-Christian. One of Miranda Sawyer’s biggest post-motherhood dilemmas over abortion was trying to work out where “life” begins in a foetus, and concluding that if abortion could occur before “life” begins, then that would, after all, be a “right” kind of abortion. However, given that both science and philosophy continue to struggle to define what the beginning of “life” is, wouldn’t it be better to come at the debate from a different angle entirely?

For if a pregnant woman has dominion over life, why should she not also have dominion over not-life? This is a concept many other cultures understand. The Hindu goddess Kali is both Mother of the Whole Universe, and the Devourer of All Things. She is both life and death. If women are, by biology, commanded to host, shelter, nurture and protect life, why should they not also be empowered to end life, too? I’m not advocating stoving in the heads of children, or encouraging late abortions - but then, no-one is.

What I am vexed with is the idea that, by having an early abortion, a woman is somehow being unfemale and, indeed, unmotherly. That the absolute essence of womanhood and maternity is to sustain life, at all costs, whatever the situation. My belief in the ultimate sociological, emotional and practical necessity for abortion did, as I have mentioned before, become even stronger after I had my two children.

It is only after you have had a nine-month pregnancy, laboured to get the child out, fed it, cared for it, sat with it until 3am, risen with it at 6, swooned with love for it and been reduced to furious tears by it that you really understand just how important it is for a child to be wanted. And, possibly even more importantly, to be wanted by a reasonably sane, stable mother - one with the emotional and corporeal resources to give the child what it needs.

Last year, I had an abortion, and I can honestly say it was one of the least difficult decisions of my life. I’m not being flippant when I say it took me longer to decide what worktops to have in the kitchen than whether I was prepared to spent the rest of my life being responsible for a further human being. I knew I would see my existing two daughters less, my husband less, my career would be hamstrung and, most importantly of all, I was just too tired to do it all again. I didn’t want another child - in the same way that I don’t suddenly want to move to Canada; or buy a horse.

Whilst there was, of course, every chance that I might eventually be thankful for the arrival of a third child, I am, personally, not a gambler. I won’t spend £1 on the National Lottery - let alone take a punt on a pregnancy. I didn’t fancy the odds on success, and the stakes (my marriage, my sanity, the emotional stability of another human being) were far, far too high.

Ultimately, I don’t understand anti-abortion arguments that centre on the sanctity of life. As a species, we’ve fairly comprehensively demonstrated that we don’t believe in the sanctity of life. I don’t understand why pregnant women – women trying to make rational decisions about their futures - should be subject to more pressure about preserving life than, say, Vladimir Putin.

What I do believe to be sacred – and, indeed, more useful to the Earth as a whole – is trying to make sure there are as few unbalanced, needy, destructive people as possible. I think that, by whatever rationale you use, ending a pregnancy twelve weeks into gestation is incalculably more moral behaviour than bringing an unwanted child into this world. Or child that, through no fault of it’s own, would be the destructor of a marriage, a family, a parent.

It’s fairly inarguable to say that unhappy children, who then grew into very angry adults, have caused the great majority of mankind’s miseries. If psychoanalysis has, somewhat brutally, laid the responsibility for mental disorders at parents’ doors, then the least we can do is tip our hats to women aware enough not to create those troubled people in the first place.

In short, whilst I am now packing something just short of the contraceptive equivalent of Trident, if I ever did have to have an abortion again, I would like to think it would be something unlikely to provoke a moral dilemma in anyone - least of all myself.

I would like to see a time where abortion is considered to be an intelligent, logical, humble, compassionate thing to do. I would like abortion to be considered as, perversely, one of the ultimate acts of good mothering.

Comments

[Same anon]

Ultimately though, what is your problem with the CBA approach? If you think abortion is just wrong in general than why are these high moral standards not applied to the excusable abortions arising from split condoms? If something can be a least worst option in these circumstances than it seems illogical to suddenly upgrade it to a terrible shame when used by the people who probably need it most. It's almost like you want to punish people for making bad choices and personally I don't believe a baby should be a punishment. In my view a woman who is repeatedly reckless with contraception is only hurting herself and I'm not going to sit at a computer screen and judge her.

Incidentally I would add that accidents can happen repeatedly. I know a woman who concieved three children all while on the pill.

Also, you assume all sex is lovely and consensual. Often it isn't and negotiating contraception in a less than equal relationship can be difficult.

I would argue there is a difference between aborton and euthanasia, although I support both. A terminally ill person is a fully formed life with their own preferences and, I’d argue equally importantly, a circle of dependents that also may have strong preferences about their continued existence. A foetus has none of these. Abortion is stopping a developing life in its tracks. You may wonder what may have been but you are not ending a life lived for many years and is valued by others around it.

[oneopinionatedmother]

"you can hardly claim that statistically they repeatedly got hit by the 'failure rate' of contraception!"

There are women who are just very fertile, a lady i worked with had taken her pill every day - became PG, - misscarried, changed pill, got pg again...miscarried again - had a coil fitted, used condomns...got PG again! Had the baby the third time -the coil came out with it. Multiple abortions might just be a sign that a person is super-fertile.

I will admit this is a 1 in 100 case though.

I do know someone who isn't like that who had 2 abortions...though I think this was due to a generally self-abusive lifestyle (drug dealing lap-dancer!). She wanted the upset. Not a good reason for her to carry them to term though is it?

as for something being a 'no-brainer' I think this is because whether you want a child is something you know straight away. For some people it will be this way. Some will agonise over it. Incidentally, i think sometimes this phrase could be applied to Euthanasia - but that's a totally different debate.

[Whimsey]

"Accidents, whether mechanical problems with contraception or human error, occur in all kinds of sexual relationships."

But that IS the failure rate! If a couple has taken trouble NOT to have unprotected sex, and a pregnancy results, that is, sadly, just 'one of those things' and has to be dealt with in whatever 'least worst' way they decide.

My beef is always with the CBA attitude toward contraception, which regards abortion as a method of contraception. (And we know this must happen, as too many women have multiple abortions, and you can hardly claim that statistically they repeatedly got hit by the 'failure rate' of contraception! CBA has to be a factor.)

Of course, the 'get out of jail free' card for abortion is always that it's better for a child never to be born to parents that don't want it, so being killed off as a foetus is a mercy to them anyway.

It's interesting to use the phrase 'no brainer' when it comes to making a decision on abortion. Would the same phrase be used for suicide-when-terminally-ill? (I would argue that if you can use the term 'no brainer' for abortion you should also be able to apply it to euthanasia.)(And, indeed, so it may be.)

[Anon]

Whimsey, I object to your comments. Accidents, whether mechanical problems with contraception or human error, occur in all kinds of sexual relationships. Personally I still find it an irony that I got accidentally pregnant when I stopped having meaningless sex with people I barely new and started a serious relationship, but that's how life can work out. I did have an abortion and it was the "least worst" option available, but I say that in a very neutral way, not some breastbeating display of regret. I agree with Caitlin's original post, in some circumstances abortion is just a no brainer, not the "hardest choice a woman will ever make" or what ever guilty daytime TV myth we have to sign up to excuse our ambivilance.

[Whimsey]

An unwanted pregnancy is one of those scenarios with no 'good' outcome, whichever way you cut it. There's only a 'least worst' outcome possible.

It's akin to the issue of euthanasia for the very ill - there is no 'good' outcome from that scenario, only a 'least worst' (what is less worse - letting a vile disease kill you slowly and nastily, or killing yourself earlier but less nastily.)

But outside of rape and whatever the unavoidable 'failure rate' of contraception is, is there any excuse for an unwanted pregnancy?

It seems to me that the problem of trivialising sex (treating it as a fleeting, passing pleasure so it doesn't matter who you have it with, when, etc) is that it leads on to trivialising pregnancy, which makes it a lot easier to mentally 'press the abort button'.

Yet it strikes me that it is really quite extraordinary that something as brief as copulation can have consequences that changes lives for ever. It seems so completely out of proportion somehow, cause and effect.

[battymum]

Jen, Sarah and Tanya I just want to thank you for your honesty. (I'm sure there are more this applies to but my reading time is limited, I've got to get to work!!) Too often the abortion debate is saturated with the rights of the unborn child (and before someone shouts me down I don't think any of us are denying the importance of those rights) it is so important to hear such well articulated arguments for the necessity of abortion. It is all too easy for the pro-life lobby to barrage us wih the horrors of abortion but in a civilized society I think it is so vital that we don't forget that there are times and situations where abortion can be the only solution.

I fell pregnant with my son when I was quite young (19), it wasn't an ideal time, I was broke and I knew his father wouldn't stay around. Personally I didn't want an abortion at that time, and twelve years on I am obviously very happy with that choice and my life. I was blessed with huge support predominantly from my parents and close family but also from friends. Had I not had that support my life and in particular my sons could have turned out very differently. What I am trying to say very inarticulately is that motherhood has made me realize that unfortunately abortion can be a necessity. Having experienced motherhood, whilst I would openly admit it is the best thing I have ever done, I would not wish to force any mother into it because it is such a huge commitment and lets face it at times flipping hard work. I know that there have been times when my son has pushed me to the limit it has only been my total unconditional love for him that has stopped me from killing him! Had I not loved him so much there are times when maybe I would have just wanted to walk away.

[Lucy w/o kids]

Jen, I am so sorry. This must be one of the hardest topics for you to think about. I think you're wonderful for having spoken about what happened to you. Best wishes for everything in the future.

[Jen]

When I was 14 I was raped and fell pregnant as a result. I had no choice over whether contraception was used. I decided to have an abortion because I was in such a state I couldn't have gone through the trauma of 9 months carrying my rapist's baby and then giving it up or being a mother. It was an extremely difficult decision to make, but one I have never regretted.

Sometimes you have no choice over whether you fall pregnant. I was also very young and small, and having a baby could have harmed me.

No choice is easy, and whatever decision you make you have to live with it for the rest of your life. However the issue is not clear cut and there are no right or wrong answers. I think instead we should support women's right to chose and stop judging people who have made very difficult decisions under circumstances that we can't always understand.

[Sarah]

The idea of abortion breaks my heart.

But I grew up knowing that if my mum had had any real choice, I would never have been born. She tried her valiant best, but my brothers and sisters and I were inevitably neglected and we watched our mother live a tired, overwhelming existence instead of a life.

My siblings have almost all without exception grown up to be troubled adults, passing on the same problems to their own children, and grandchildren. Is abortion really worse than generations of suffering?

Institutions like the Roman Catholic Church have for centuries put pressure on women to suffer in this way. But they lose all credibility in the pro-life argument, when they disallow contraception, but admit that sex between married couples should be about expressing love.

[Tanya]

I completely agree with much of what is written here, having had an abortion at 24 when I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had just started my career, was up to my eyeballs in debt, was unsure if I even wanted to have children, unmarried and in an unhappy long term relationship. It was an absolute no-brainer.

I have never regretted it - it was the best decision I ever made, even though I do think abortion is morally wrong. Sometimes for the sake of our sanity, future happiness, relationships and financial security we have to make such a choice and not look back.

I'm now in a wonderful relationship with the man who will be my husband and am looking forward to having children and being a good mother (fingers crossed). Having an abortion doesn't make you a monster or unmaternal - it's about making the right choice for yourself and your loved ones.

[Kate]

Jeremy are you really saying that if people aren't prepared for more children then they shouldn't be having sex, even as husband and wife? I just want to clear this up so I know whether to completely disregard your post as a medieval throwback.

[Pete]

I agree with Jeremy. While no contraceptive is 100% effective, the point is that you need to make a choice about whether you want a baby before you have sex and act accordingly. If you don't want one but want sex, you need to make sure your contraceptives are effective, and accept the consequences of "accidents" happening. We all make choices with risks involved. Abortion shouldn't be a get-out clause to give you 100% baby-free sex. I have to say I find Caitlin's view extremely callous and selfish. Children are not destined by some unstoppable force to be "wanted" or "unwanted". We make a choice to love and care for them whether they were planned or not, just as I choose to love my wife 'til death us do part, even if I don't always feel like it.

[Rebekah]

This world is so evil! Some of your comments have made me feel ill.

[Carolina]

I have never heard abortion debated from this perspective and it is so refreshing. I cant stand those anti-abortion protesters out with their gruesome photos trying to shove their opinions down peoples throats. They make my blood boil. If a woman is taking precautions, and they fail why on earth should she carry to term if does not want a child? I have no interest whatsoever in having children and wouldnt have to think twice about having an abortion if I were to fall pregnant - having said that, I am extremely careful not to get into that situation in the first place. I dont think I would feel guilty and I deeply resent anyone who thinks they can tell women what they can and cant do with their own bodies. Our lives, our decision.

[Troy]

I have a funemental objection to anyone denying a person a choice as to what they are allowed to do with their bodies.
Those involved in this discussion from a religious perspective ultimately want to impose your personal choices on others. Like celibacy in the priesthood, the anti-contraception stance of the catholic church is based on politics not spirituality, simply the desire for catholics to be in the majority.

The sight diversion that I would like to offer is this: where the emybryo is the product of a couple should the father have an equal part in the decision to abort?

I have had this discussion with my girlfriend and it is a very emotive a difficult one, but it bears consideration.

[Claire]

Jeremy, sex (within a relationship or otherwise) is not just about procreation. While I disagree with you re abstaining until you are ready for a child, that is a view that I can understand. But are you suggesting that couples who already have children abstain until they want another child? Because for many people that would have a seriously detrimental effect on their relationship. Do you really thing that people like BB below who felt that one child was plenty should never have sex again because there's a slim chance that they may get pregnant even using contraception? Or that couples who don't want children at all should NEVER have sex? What an absurd argument.

[BB]

Well done Caitlin! I had an abortion as a teenager myself and have never regretted it. 15 years later, when my much loved daughter was 2, I thought I may be pregnant again. Thankfully, I wasn't, but it was enough of a scare for my husband to go off for the chop! 15 years later again I can easily say that one child was all we could manage. Each person has different values and beliefs, also different abilities and experiences. To dictate to anyone else, what they should do or what they will feel is dishonest and bigoted. Walk a mile in their shoes before you judge anyone else's choices. To back Caitlin up, I'll volunteer that I am actively glad I had that abortion.

[Jeremy]

Opinionatedmother, if you yourself admit that contraception isn't going to prevent pregnancy then how can you go on to say resulting pregnancies are accidents. These people need to grow up or say no, if you've chosen to have sex, you've made the choice to have a child, you can't go back on it and kill your family.

Becoming pregnant to abort is not the makings of a good mother, loving your children is.

[oneopinionatedmother]

an adult is not a child: A CHILD IS NOT A BABY. A baby is not a foetus...though one becomes the other. foetus covers all states from group of cells to pre-birth ...abortion refers to this particular form of death (as opposed to e.g. infanticide) we know what the terms mean, they hide nothing.

@jeremy - maybe men should start being celibate in order to avoid pregnancy too!... ah wait, they don't have to. accidents do happen, no contraceptive is 100% - even sterilisation.

i am glad CM has chosen to say openly she has had an abortion - strangely 200k women do every year that are strangely silent when the matter is discussed on Radio4 and elsewhere in the media. I can't believe all these women are evil, or stupid - or that they spend their lives miserable. evidently not.

[Lucy]

I've only just read this but I wanted to thank you for being so candid. I just wish I had read it a year ago when I had an abortion myself. Like you, I knew before I'd even taken the test that the only course for me would be a termination and it was a simple decision. The only thing that was difficult was trying to reiterate over and over to doctors and nurses that it was what I wanted, I'd thought about it and I didn't feel any need to talk it over with anyone. Abortion doesn't ruin the life of every woman who has a termination and there should be more respect for women's abilities to make such decisions without being told they should expect to feel terrible.

[Jeremy.]

Guess what, if you aren't ready for a baby, then stop doing the deed designed to produce babies, it really is that simple. There is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy, thats like saying the first time you had sex you accidently lost your virginity.

[Nicole]

I absolutely agree with everything written in this post. I think that if we are going to respect the job of mothers, than we have to acknowledge that not everyone is good at it or even able to do the job.
I chose to have an abortion when I found myself pregnant in the midst of a very rough patch in my marriage. I knew that I was not capable of being a single mother and I had no desire to attempt it. The abortion was not a nice experience and I certainly wouldn't recommend it lightly but after going on to have two children, I am even more convinced that I made the right decision. It takes so much time and energy and patience and tenanciousnous to be a parent- not even a good one, just average. To be a great parent requires huge sacrifices and I can't understand how anyone with any experience with a child would think that it would be wise to force women into motherhood. As stated by the author, this would seem to me to be the real immoral choice.

[Kate]

I'm probably saying what many others have said already, but thank you for wrighting this and thank you for your honesty. I made decisions when very young too abort (twice) and always felt looking back that i did the right thing. I was living on benefits and not stable emotionally. I feel I made a responsible decision to stall child bearing till my life was in a better place. As things turned out I never had children and am forgeing ahead into my 40's childless and happy. The main thing for me that I was brought up catholic and it did take my time and therapy to become settled with the decisions that I made.

I do find it very difficult seeing families of children, not cared for, not supported educationaly and also not adding to society.

[Jude]

to the person who commented that you should be sterilised if you don't want children - can you tell me which doctor would do this please? i'm 26, dont want children and have asked numerous times to be sterilised. however, i have always been denied the right toi choose this option as i am a woman and therefore, sooner or later, i am bound to come to my 'senses' (my doctors actual phrasing) and realise just how fufilled and happy children will make me.

so, rather than be able to get on with my life without the worry of an unwanted pregnancy - i instead have to spend a significant amount of time planning contraception, trying out new methods, worrying that despite my using both the implant and condoms that something will fail, and planning what to do if the worst ever should happen because make no mistake - should i ever find myself pregnant i will have an abortion. i will feel no shame or regret over this, why should i? i took every reasonable precaution i was able to to avoid this, but the one which i want, and am willing to go through not only for my own peace of mind but so that i dont HAVE to go through an abortion, is being denied to me simply because i am a woman and therefore dont know my own mind.

[MamaWangari]

This is an excellent, brisk article. It's so good that people are growing up today mentally strong enough to stand against the social pressure like this. We must be going in the right direction as a society! I've had two abortions in my life, and have now had two children, and I wonder sometimes why I don't regret the abortions. I think it's just a power women have. You'd rather say Yes to a life, but sometimes you have to say No.