5 children's TV characters I'd shag

Yes yes yes it’s important to debate mothers’ place in the workplace, but there are other, equally earthshaking issues to debate. Like: which children’s TV characters would you shag?

Like Plato’s Cave, the long years of child-rearing happen in a world where, starved of other stimuli, you soon forget there are other men out there, and swiftly become preoccupied by whether you’d like to have sex with Big Cook from Big Cook Little Cook; and whether or not that might happen after you’d had sex with Little Cook.

Here’s a quick round up of my personal totty. I’m sure that, just as you can guess when a woman entered puberty by whether she fancied Simon Le Bon or not, you can guess the age of my children to the nearest month by the following list:

1) Archie from Balamory. I love a man who looks like he regularly enters a room full of tipsy revellers, saying “I’ve heated up some samosas! And there’s a dip, too!” Ratty pink jumper, pink castle, obsession with making robots out of yoghurt pots - Archie would soon forget it all if he were getting regular all-night lovin’ from me. What’s the story in Balamory? It’s that Archie’s buying me expensive underwear, throwing me onto his four-poster bed and saying “Oh blimey!”

2) Daddy Pig, from Peppa Pig. The sub-text to the genius of Peppa Pig has always been that Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are pretty fruity, with a racey past that’s frequently hinted at – not least when Daddy Pig unexpectedly throws Mummy Pig up in the air in an energetic pas de deux. The most notable case comes when Daddy Pig plays sexy accordion music to Mummy Pig, with a redolent “Remember this, Mummy Pig?” as she snorts in piggy delight. My love of Daddy Pig does not purely stem from the fact that he has the sexiest pig-voice I’ve ever heard – it also stems from a slight sorrow on Daddy Pig’s behalf that Mummy Pig is the most rubbish one of the Pig family, reduced to little more that sounding slightly vexed or smug, or chuckling “Oh, Daddy Pig!” when he gets stuck in a chair. If I did Daddy Pig, I imagine he would be so enthusiastic and grateful we would break his pig-bed. I would definitely go whole hog with the Pig man.

3) Robbie Rotten from LazyTown. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a man doing “evil tip-toeing.” Especially when he’s built like a track and field star, wearing a skin-tight all-in-one bodysuit, and packing what looks like a spare super-hero down the front. Rotten is a big man – about three hundred feet tall, with an arse made of Icelandic granite. That he spends all day trying to screw over a bunch of kids makes him all the more likeable – here’s a guy who would definitely “Take you away from all this mess”, to paraphrase Winona Ryder in Dracula. I’m thinking of a long weekend in his evil hideout, utilizing lots of costumes, and smoking potions that make you feel exhilarated and bizarre. And then at the end of it, you’d be rescued by …

4) Sportacus from LazyTown. Marcus Scheving – aka Sportacus - is, quite possibly, the most alpha man on the planet. He built the TV studios – where he plays a super-hero – himself! By hand! And planned it so that, if you run around the perimeter, it’s exactly half a kilometre – so he can easily run 20 kilometres a day, whilst filming! In Sportacus, he has created a man who can slice an apple into quarters with a tennis racket whilst doing a jete over a wall so, really, you’d have to have a go, wouldn’t you?

5) Charlie from Charlie and Lola. Obviously not now, of course – of COURSE not now. He’s twelve, for heaven’s sake. He hasn’t even reached an age where he realises that wearing the same outfit, day in day out, is a no-no. But by the time he reaches the age of sexual majority, Charlie’s going to be one hot piece of ass. That husky voice! That wild imagination! And so endlessly patient with the essentially vile Lola. He’s Future Husband Material and no mistake. I’d probably have a crack at Marv, too.

Not in a million years: Mr Mopple, the man from Higgledy Piggledy House, the fireman from Fireman Sam who looks like Shakin’ Stevens.

Read a man's response from guest contributor Michael Moran here

Comments

[alice]

I always used to fancy Gambit from the X Men, but disturbingly it's now Brian the dog from Family Guy, it's the voice, it drives me nuts!

[Ellis Kellis]

http://tv.broadcastkings.com check it out!

[Ellis Kellis]

Great, be sure to visit http://www.broadcastkings.com they are launching a new internet tv and radio stations!

[Alex]

The last 2 are Ross Lee and Ed Petrie, by the way. And they present on CBBC. Got my channels mixed up...

[Alex]

Ok, I'm only 19, but I baby-sit littler ones!

- Definately Robbie R or Sportacus
- Drake - yum yum
- Male pokemon characters - I was a child of the 90s, after all
- That weird guy from the Cbeebies clip show - dresses in purple and black
- The presenter on Cbeebies who hangs out with that cactus

[granx3]

not sportacus - he sleeps in his clothes...

but how about CBeebies Sid? yum yum

[KATIE]

I LIKE A SINGER BUT DID THEY LIKE U AND TELL ME WERE TEY LIVE

[KATIE]

U ARE DIRTY IF MY MUM FOUND I DID SOME THING LIKE THAT MY WOULD OF KILLED ME.IF U STILL HAVE A HUBBY HE MUST BE MAD OUR HE DONT KNOW YET

[Alex DL.]

Daphne (Scooby Doo).
Daphne (Dragon's Lair)
The girl in the Swan costume (Battle of the planets)
The Redhead from Family Guy.
The Teen-Angels (at the same time) from Captain Caveman.

Lesbian women are allowed on here right?

Alex DL

X X X

[Bev]

I really really like Captain Mack at the moment, he plays to his audience, saves the day is invited by a young lady to do something but then has to go home to look after his monkey. Not sure why the monkey and what it means, 'cos the monkey is always fine. Gosh, he's lovely and do think daughter agrees 'cos she talks a bit too much about him. Sadly I always get to be the monkey when we play it.

[Bloodaxe]

I freely admit I have no children at all.

Nonetheless, I find I must agree with the general opinion that both Sportacus and Robbie Rotten are quite tasty. Surely, both at once would be just the ticket.

Looking further back, I admit a fondness for Jason out of 'Battle of the Planets' and Inspector Gadget.

[flossfour]

Kids are too old now to watch cbbc - but my 20 year old son is madly in love with the bunny from the Caramel adverts!

Jan - You may be happy but I think you need a sense of humour implant immediately. Lighten up!

[j]

Caitlin, why should we care? this is fantasy anyway.

It's not as if any of them would actually fancy me, gay or straight. It's actually slightly less upsetting if they dont fancy any females, than if they just specially dont want ME :)

[Caitlin MOran]

Ladies, I've just watched Johnny & The Sprite for the first time, and I think he'd be a bit more interested in Captain Jack than Rose, if you know what I mean. I think he has a small Jack Russell terrier. I think he makes his own mayonnaise. I think he's gay, basically.

[j]

Jan

We are not sitting at home, we are (many of us) employed fulltime in scary big jobs using that Oxbridge education of ours.

Its just that some of us have progressed to being able to walk and chew gum at the same time so we have kids at home as well.

As for laughing at cartoon characters, I've seen much worse from the silver-back gorillas that infest boardrooms in the City...

[ScarletPoppy]

I actually watch Man vs Wild with my 7 year old NOT for the survival techniques, but because i seceretly wouldn't mind being trapped in a mangrove swamp in Panama with Bear Grylls.

[ScarletPoppy]

I think Sportacus is a raging queen, I do. Now Drake, from Drake and Josh, mmmmm, there's a very fine speciman of young manhood.

[Jan]

So,Lazy Mummy, if a woman does not want children, she must be a sad singleton.Sorry to disappoint.I am not a sad old maid. I am incredibly happily married.I don't fantasise about other men or male characters on TV. Why should I? I leave that to all you juveniles.As for the cat thing, I can't stand them.I think you'll find that my use of language is correct.If not you'll have to blame my Oxbridge educated teachers.Despite coming from a deprived background I had a good education.It saddens me that women from previous generations had to fight so that we could have equality.So what do you girlies do? Sit at home fantasising about cartoon characters..Pathetic.

[Rusty]

Sorry LazyMummy, I’m afraid you’re the one who needs to ‘try to be accurate in your use of verbs’

mewled, mewling
1. Said especially of a child: to cry feebly; to make a whimpering noise.
Thesaurus: whimper, whine, cry, snivel, blubber.

Not that I actually agree with anything Jan said in her post, but she was right in her verb-choice.

[Jaywalker]

Byron Wordsworth from the Storymakers anyone? Lovely, lovely, twinkly, good dresser, wonderful man. And apparently had a minor role in Casino Royale, but I never get to watch non-animated films. My eldest son and I used to squabble over this - he was very much a Shelley Wordsworth kind of guy - the pink, the sparkles... And as for the terrifying Webster Wordsworth and his peculiar musical instruments... eeeh. Nightmarish.

[kieransmum]

Ah, but Adam, are you rich or on TV? These are celebs, remember!

[adam]

As a man reading these comments, I'm tremendously reassured that no matter how short, fat, clueless or porcine you are, there's a woman out there who'll want you!

[pbhj]

Would you publish this if it were a male saying 5 female characters they want extramarital relations with - including a 12 year old?

[Lazy Mummy]

Er, Jan, I believe *cats* mewl and babies cry (except in William Blake's poetry and we all know he was a mystic not a literalist). Since you're so clever and sophisticated, surely you'll be able to recognise the difference between the two sounds, especially since you probably have cats yourself (as all childless women seem to). Next time you drop by, please try to be accurate in your use of verbs. Thanks.

[Seb Carroll]

sexist rubbish. imagine if a man had written this about women.

[kieransmum]

It's almost worth continuing this tangent simply for the sake of annoying those clever childless types who drop by to patronise us, isn't it?
Wonderbra, until I read your explanation for your name I had simply imagined a very well-hung lady!

[J]

Right about me, but I think Jane has posted elsewhere that her name is NOT Jane.

More sad brain dead postings from the post-parturiants. Gosh I wish I could be as clever and witty as Jan....

[Jan]

What a real sad bunch you are.(I don't know if I am allowed to post my comments here as I am not a mummy.Never had the inclination to bring another mewling brat into this world). Reading your comments it's obvious that you've all lost more than a few brain cells. Or perhaps it's only thick women who have children.

[kieransmum]

Ah, I see! That's very clever, Wonderbra. I just wish that I had thought of a more interesting name all those months ago when I came across this blog.
Mainly, LazyMummy, I assume that you are down-to-earth. And, quite possibly wrongly, I assume that Jane's name really is Jane, and that J's name probably begins with J.

Physical appearance? I'm just stunningly beautiful, with no sign of having recently given birth (ha ha) and my children look like they stepped out of a Mothercare catalogue. Yes, right.

[Lazy Mummy]

KM/Wonderbra, yes, it was me. Actually, I didn't ask WB directly to spill the beans. I thought about asking that, and while I'm somewhat curious about what people think of my online name, I actually think it's more fun to speculate about what people think, both of my online name & each others' online names.

WB - I always thought of your name as v. tongue-in-cheek, and I suspect many of us chose our names in that way, though of course SM is Super and I *am* lazy (though not necessarily in the ways you'd probably assume).

[J]

ps my name..minimalist? enigmatic, Mona Lisa?

No, just couldnt think of anything in time, needed to stop posting and deal with squawking somewhere in the house :)

[J]

Wonderbra, I didnt mean sad as in weirdo sad, just that it is telling how quickly we all get back to this when we describe people. And all is fine if you are pretty and can participate but I've had friends who are, eg, very seriously obese, to the point where of course its the first thing anybody notices about them, and it is always in the back of their minds. So I suppose I see online communities as an escape from it.

But I agree- if you are a visual person, then you are. And the parlour game about why people chose their name- that is excellent fun, I agree.

Johnson, we have a life ducky, the question is, what are YOU doing posting here if it is the sign of having no life?

[johnson]

Well well Ladies??? time you got a life to use the latest expression.

[Wonderbra]

Sorry, Kieransmum, I realise now it wasn't you! The Wonderbra seemed to be the iconic garment of the ninteies, all that wearing of underwear showing beneath a sharp suit worn with trainers as if to encompass every trend, the sartorial 'having it all', so it betrays my age, I guess. It was also meant to be funny, as in I'm not really "wonder" anything! It is, however, the truth in a way, because I do write about this sort of thing,"in real life", so it means something to me.

[kieransmum]

It is all very post-modern and ironic and very post-feminist. But there is still the question of truth and authenticity...in which case can I be pedantic and point out that it was LazyMummy not I who invited you to share more of your thoughts as to who you thought we were?
(I just want to know why you chose WonderBra as your name:-)

[Gipsy]

oops can't believe I wrote English in that last post. My grandmother would be spinning! It should have read Welsh.

[Gipsy]

LOL! I have an Italian, Irish, English, Maori ancestry. Long, very dark, curly black hair, brown eyes, olive skin. Sadly didn't get the Sophia Loren figure my sister inherited.

My screen name of Gipsy comes from the area of south london that I live in.

My son was born with dark olive skin, jet black eyes and jet black hair. He now has almost blond curls, and his eyes are a light brown (I was hoping he'd get his father's beautiful green eyes but they're still gorgeous).

[Wonderbra]

Ha! Not even close! It's meant to be a kind of post-feminist irony, as opposed to burning your bra, sort of where we seem to be now - but I have to tell you, I see you against type, ie dark and smouldering, for some reason, a blonde dresden shepherdess is what I see, but in 21st century yoga clothes! Can't rationalise it, but it's a fun sort of digital parlour game, isn't it?

[Gipsy]

It is weird isn't WB? Probably because of your screen name I always have a vague picture of a sort of Eva Herzigova-ish person in my head.

[Vicki]

Sportacus (phwoar!)
Tim from Hi Five (although I want to mother him, hmmm)
And if Doctor Who counts (its my 3 yr old daughter's favourite), Captain Jack, but top of the list definately the Doctor himself - he can use his sonic screwdriver on me anytime *snigger*. To all those mummies who don't let their kids watch tv - humbug! What's wrong with watching Totty TV - sure wakes up the libido after those baby years!

[Wonderbra]

J, I don't think it sad that I form mental images of people. The incident where Jane revealed herself different to what I'd imagined was like going to the cinema to see a different portrayal to the one in a book you have read. Kieransmum's clever cameo was based on whhat we reveal about ourselves here. But I love the fact that if I walked by any of you, I wouldn't know who you were. Our choices about what to reveal here are carefully chosen facts and most people build up a picture based on evidence. I'm just amused about how inaccurate that all too often is! I didn't respond to KM's invitation to share more because I wanted to keep the rest to myself. Supermother and Jane are, to me the most prolific and identifiable viewpoints, hence it is strange I can't visualise SM so easily.
And Gipsy, as I said, if I didn't have to do anything, I might be bothered, but cards and boxes involve research and action. I'm happy with itunes and Radio 4 thanks. Different strokes for different folks and all that!

[Susie]

I remember breast feeding my baby boy on the sofa while my two year old daughter watched CBeebies (the only thing that cheered her up seeing as I'd apparently ruined her life by having another baby). To have a laugh with myself I remember thinking 'uumm, who would i sleep with out of this motley crew' and I decided on Spencer from Balamory!

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

Currently life without Gethin twirling around on a Saturday night or Alan Jackson failing to notice (again!) that his daughter and that strange woman and her son from across the road have saved the world from an alien menace yet again would be utterly unthinkable, both for me and my girls (my boy wouldn't be happy with a life without the Sarah Jane Adventures either but I think he could easily do without Strictly - the only way we can get him to not totally destroy the ambiance on a Saturday evening is by threatening reprisals including no robin hood, which just about works!).

[another mommy]

Has anybody seen the program Jane and the Dragon?

hmmmm, i would totally do the Dragon, hahahaha!!! simply because of the voice!! i've tried to find out who does the voice and if that voice actor is as good looking as his voice (I doubt it).
The funny thing is that whoever does the voiceover in Spanish has a voice as hot as the actor in English.

Yes, I'm desperate

Anthony from the Wiggles is not bad at all, I think is his white hair that makes him specially attractive, it makes me think he's got some experience... in everything necessary.

[supermother]

I don't watch TV. The impact and effect that has is very interesting. You aren't then subject to the same influences as others - often wondered if I like how I look because I am not exposed to that media. On the other hand I'd like to watch more - there's good stuff there but my life just doesn't allow for any TV. I also think parents should watch with children rather than children watch alone.

My children watch less than I did as a child simply because they have more things to do and we have other media these days other than TV. With the older children we had a no TV in the week rule which worked fine until they got a bit older.

[Gipsy]

oh good grief J! No I did not. But I sure do now! Eeeuuuuwwwwwww.

[J]

ps picture of daddy pig at top of thread here looks like a scrotum etc, no? secret of caitlin's interest perhaps? surely it is deliberate, artists can draw better than that if they want to.

[J]

he he this is excellent. I agree with Jane (first and only time) - I knew who had written this.

Agree on the kindness of the Something Special bloke but cant fancy someone dressed as a child/clown, at least not in character.

Surprised no votes for the weird bloke with the black quiff in Raven who can talk complete cr*p without giggling, no idea how he manages that.

Me, I go for Dr House (Hugh Laurie) and of COURSE it's children's TV, you just have to bribe them to watch it :)

[Heckles]

Actually, my husband likes Sarah Jane too but I'm slightly more worried about that. She does look about 14!

[Gipsy]

Ms Hoolie scares me - it is her hair I think. Hubs is always talking about how toned the woman on boogie beebies is, so maybe there's something there too? Me, I quite like the wholesome goodness of Sarah-Jane.

Have just discovered that you can download the dances from boogie beebies ! How cool. http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/boogiebeebies/dances/

[clem]

jane i don't know why you keep reading the blog. say something happy. relax. its funny.

[Heckles]

Sorry. Double-posting seems to be down to rubbish mac at work. Will not enter code twice in future

[Heckles]

While I'm glad to see Pete from Boogie Babies and Chris from Doodle Doo on the list, how about some for the blokes?

My husband's got a thing about Miss Hoolie from Balamory but my work colleague is after Josie Jump.

What does this mean? Don't care but makes 6am watching of CBeebies/Nick Jr bearable...

[Heckles]

While I'm glad to see Pete from Boogie Babies and Chris from Doodle Doo on the list, how about some for the blokes?

My husband's got a thing about Miss Hoolie from Balamory but my work colleague is after Josie Jump.

What does this mean? Don't care but makes 6am watching of CBeebies/Nick Jr bearable...

[Steve]

Sorry, I wandered into this blog by mistake and it's nothing to do with me......
However,so much for "watch with mother".

[Clairey]

Brilliant - Robbie Rotten...not such a guilty pleasure now!

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

"Wow so many people watch TV and their children do too. Can you really bear it? "

Er, yes.

"Aren't there more interesting things to do?"

Er, no. Not really. Nothing is more interesting than watching Dr Who. Or Chris singing Discover and Do. I can think of plenty things more interesting than watching Balamory, if that's any help (although one of those things is watching my daughter dance and sing while she is watching Balamory so maybe that doesn't count?)

[Gipsy]

I know a lot of people who are doing without a TV so feel I am in the opposite camp. Plus I have to deal with my husband who thinks the TV shouldn't be on at all (unless he needs to watch Top Gear). I know a couple who don't have a TV, and when they fly back to NZ they have a wonderful trip as their son spends the whole 24 hours glued to the novelty of the DVD player.

You know there is a lot of TV you can watch on your computer. I've got friends who only watch downloads. Mind you it isn't that legal I guess. And you could also put a TV card in there, or connect a TV box to it...

[Wonderbra]

I don't think anyone has to justify their actions, but as one without a television, it often feels like I am the one expected have to justify myself. I don't have a television, because our last one died and I didn't want one that didn't do digital (this was when it was a new idea.) Then we just became used to it. The televisions I have had have all been given to me, otherwise, I'm not bothered. I'm the laughing stock of my school run because I don't have a proper sound system, just Bose speakers on my mac and I survive without a kitchen aid, coffee machine or aga. It isn't an affectation or a moral stance, it is a combination of inertia, meanness and having children who get sky tv at school. If tv were available through my computer, without my having to do anything to get it, I'd be watching all day and would get nothing done.

[Tom]

Never thought I'd divulge this info to anyone but I'd definitely consider doing:

Upsy Daisy
Her from Smarteenies (if she had her thumbs painted)
Mrs Pontipine
Pui
Josie from Balamory (in some hard BDSM scenario)

[VIKTOIR]

Caitlin, you are very bad and very funny. Sportacus has long been a guilty pleasure and personally I now favour Little Cook since seeing him full size on '100 most annoying pop songs'.

[Gipsy]

Do we always have to justify our actions if they don't fit into the perfect parents book of parenting! :-)

Kiddies programs are 20 minutes long tops - many are ten minutes. If you have the TV on for an hour you might end up watching half a dozen programs! Plus Cbeebies changes the schedule quite frequently. So for a month, you might see Charlie and Lola and the Bobinogs every morning when you switch the TV on for the alloted 20 minutes (as the recent TV scare stories recommend as a limit for under 3s). Then it might change to Lazy Town and Postman Pat, and then a short while later it might be Boogie Beebies and Doodle Do! So if you only watched 20 minutes of TV a day you could still end up quite familiar with a lot of TV programs.

We watch an hours TV a day, but not every day, and not all of it is Kiddies programs (I like to see a bit of the BBC's breakfast news in the morning). All of it is Cbeebies. I can't stand the adverts aimed at children. Mornings at the moment it is Boogie Beebies, and/or Fireman Sam. Evenings it is Night Garden. If we see the bedtime story it is because the TV was left on - son is not remotely interested in stories being read on TV. On the weekends I shamelessly use TV for quiet time for me, sitting cuddled up on sofa with son, while having a cup of tea and doing Sudoku. So then it depends on what is on Cbeebies at that point in time - son loves Big Cook Little Cook, Something Special, and Come Outside so I'll often have a look at the schedule and plan my break accordingly. As a result the only time I really ever get to watch TV these days is with son. I realised that things had gone too far when I found myself unable to tear myself away from an episode of Postman Pat as I wanted to see how the story turned out ...

Lazy Town isn't on at the moment - or is it somewhere else in the schedule that I'm unaware of? I'm beginning to miss Robbie after reading this thread.

[Caitlin MOran]

I've always thought there was a bit of a niggle between Big Cook and LIttle Cook - I think LIttle Cook went for the role of Big Cook but didn't get it, and is permanently pissed off at having to mount a giant wooden spoon, or be excited about making a sandwich that looks like a crab. And Big Cook hates Little Cook - maybe just because he looks like Dennis Pennis. I dunno. But there's real vitriol in the way he says "Whizz away, Small, whizz away!" I don't think he's thinking of the word "whizz" as he says it.

[Tamsin]

Jane, if you don't like it, don't read it, move on. Don't feel you have to contribute.

Personally, I am now so excited about my impending maternity leave and all those hours confined to the sofa breastfeeding the new wee one. I have compiled a back catalogue of important films and 'must watch' dramas on sky +, but I'm thinking now to just overwrite them with episodes of Lazy Town.

[Elizabeth]

Jane, you too have your fans and your anti fans, i'm sure.

[asilon]

Paul from "Tikkabilla".

And Drake out of "Drake & Josh", if anyone else has older kids who only watch American teenage bollocks.

[kieransmum]

Tonight, Terry Wogan was reading the bedtime story. I wouldn't like to shag him, but I'd love him to be my grand-dad! Does that count?

[a mother]

i meant anthony wiggle, molly - the blue wiggle - but weirdly typed the wrong name. pffft

i don't think greg would be interested, any way...

[Lazy Mummy]

Same here, Wonderbra, mostly because I think most TV is crap & therefore refuse to pay the cable fee to get reception for *public* tv that we'd never watch anyway.

We just rent DVDs instead for the stuff that we're interested in, but there's nothing wrong with watching a couple of hours of quality children's shows a week, though I'm a little concerned that after Charlie & Lola, my daughter has decided that her toys look a lot better "completely spread out" than any other way.

[Wonderbra]

I quite agree Supermother, we don't even have normal tv, let alone cable. BUT that makes me one of those annoying people who never knows who people are. I only recognise Dumbledore and Charlie out of this list.

[supermother]

Wow so many people watch TV and their children do too. Can you really bear it? Aren't there more interesting things to do?

[Patricia]

SPORTACUS! YES YES YES, bring on the vikings

[Nelly]

What about Chris from Doodle Do? I'd doodle do him.

[Morag Cuddeford-Jones]

And will we all be watching the daily comings and goings on the Island of Sodor when Pierce Brosnan takes over (OK, it's only his voice but we are fantasising about kids' telly here ladies!)

And gypsy, I don't think JB would pose that much of a challenge...! Where's he next in panto...?

[Jane]

And perhaps you need something else Jo - but less enjoyable.

[Anne]

Oi, I had first dibs on Robbie Rotten!

When eldest was small he mainly fixated on Thomas the Tank Engine and the Tellytubbies - neither of which offered much scope for day dreaming. I was intrigued when Zebedee proved to have a dark side - that long curly spring, moustache and Tom Baker's voice

[molly]

I prefer Anthony Wiggle myself...

[Gipsy]

OK JB I'll give you that Big Cook's surfaces are always clean (always a major plus) but macho? C'mon! You've seen the cleaning up song right? Where he does the morris dancing twirls with the jay cloths?

[A mother]

I don't understand. Why is Greg Wiggle nowhere on this list?

[JB]

Big Chris from Roary the Racing Car (or Kee-yaah) as my two littlies say. He's a bit unfit so would be grateful for the attention, plus his Mancunian accent (Peter Kay?) is a real turn-on.
I also have to say Big Cook over Little Cook any day. Little Cooks 'constantly surprised' voice would get annoying -- imagine "OOooooh! Those are GIANT BUNS aren't they Ben?" -- whereas Big Cook is all macho control freak with his ready-stocked fridge & cupboard and a cheeky glint in his eye. and his surfaces are always clean.

[Gipsy]

Maybe so Morag, but then neither Chris nor John Barrowman have met me yet ...

well this is a total fantasy isn't it!

And last night we had ... Terry Wogan reading the bedtime story. Now, he's got a lovely voice and all, but he's no Rupert.

Melissara - a life? what's that then? Is it one of those things you get with grown up adult conversations, glasses of wine down the pub and clothes that are food spot free?

[Melissaria]

I'd always assumed that Archie was gay, in any case...

[Melissaria]

You have got to be kidding me.

Sportacus, well come on, who wouldn't, but the rest?

Turn off your TVs, go outside and talk to some real people, before you all go even more insane...you worry me, you really do!

[Morag Cuddeford-Jones]

Oh dear gipsy, I suspect you'd be on a hiding to nothing with your third choice...

Where do we sign the petition to get Rupert Penry Jones on as a permanent bedtime story, with the 'uncut' version on at say, 10.30pm?

[Gipsy]

Jen I didn't realise that we were also able to include the presenters. In which case my list of shagability would go:

Syd
Andy
Chris

[Jo]

I think Jane needs to get laid - and not by a cartoon character....

[Jennifer Howze]

Very savoury list, Caitlin, especially with Robby Rotten - veeery evil, veeery wiry and I believe that hairdo might have alternative uses.

3 more must-haves

1. Andy from CBeebies. It’s not just that he resembles so many of the guys I dated at university who like to read me Portnoy’s Complaint and go out for burgers and beer on long Sunday afternoons. He also sings! He also dances! He sings and dances about recycling, which means he’ll love that “natural” side of you after you’ve neglected to bathe all weekend. Colour your own picture of Andy here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/presenters/andy_tv.shtml

2. Sidney from CBeebies. Maybe at the same time as Andy? Go on, then.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/presenters/sidney_tv.shtml

3. Justin Fletcher from Something Special. Some maintain he would unlikely be interested in an Alpha Mummy. But he knows Makaton, which means he’s very good with his hands. Also The Guardian reported this very piquant tidbit:

According to today's Sun, Mr Tumble, the presenter on... Something Special, has been accused of signing "I'm f****** you" instead of "I'm happy to see you" when he greets children to the show. Startled viewers have complained to the BBC, which has denied the allegation. Apparently in the Makaton sign language, used for learning difficulties, the sign for happy is quite similar to the deaf signing for f****** - although this is vehemently denied by the BBC..
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2007/mar/23/mediadiary

[Gipsy]

there's really not a lot of hot totty in programs aimed at toddlers. Robbie Rotten is a given of course. Archie, well, I've always thought there was an Archie/Plum subtext going on there. Spencer I find just too bouncy, but still there could be advantages to that. Boogie Pete from Boogie Beebies is definitely letchworthy, and I'd imagine, pretty fit too. There's something very attractive about Postman Pat as well, with his fantastic work/life balance, lovely wee cottage and enthusiasm for his job. However, the teacher (whose name I've forgotten) would definitely get my vote. Great with kids and a buff physique. I've often wondered what was on under the woolly jumper.

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

This Alpha Mother certainly watches TV.

Caitlin - I'm assuming Tenny, Captain Jack and the Master are a given, right? I'd definitely add Alan Jackson to that list. and Gethin off of Blue Peter. Sportacus - absolutely. He was world aerobics champion you know. And I like Chris, from Discover and Do. Out of Balamory I think I prefer Spencer (is that his name? the one who paints) to Archie. I'm not very fond of yoghurt.

[Mumoftwo]

I found this hilarious and laughed out loud at my desk (again). Tamsin, I also nearly choked on my museli when I first saw Lazy Town and wondered whether it was actually legal to drool over very buff men in very tight lycra doing one handed press-ups whilst pretending to educate your children about eating fruit (or 'sports candy'). And Caitlin, there are fairly obvious reasons why Mr Mopple and Justin from Higgledy House probably aren't that interested in fulfilling your darkest desires anyway...

[Jane]

"Very funny as always, Caitlin."

Not to everyone. But clearly CM has her fans. And her anti-fans.

[Kim Thomas]

Very funny as always, Caitlin.

Jane - loosen up!

I agree with Elizabeth - Tim from H-5 used to brighten up my day when my daughter was of an age to be a Hi-5 obsessive. Now she's into The Sarah Jane Adventures, which means I get to ogle Maria Jackson's dad.

[Jane]

My heart sank when I saw the title of this blog article. There wasn't really any need for me to scroll down and see who'd written it.

[supermother]

Do alpha mothers watch TV?

[GAY BLOKE]

DUMBLEDORE

[Tamsin]

I've tried to maintain a tv ban for my 2 year old as I feel it's just too young to become a slave to the box. However, during a bout of illness last week, we discovered Lazy Town. I have to say I feel terrible for depriving my son of the bright and intelligent stimulus this childrens programme offers. Not to mention the stimulus it offers Mummy watching fit men in tight lycra moving with balletic grace across the screen, hmmmmmmmm. A magical thing.

[Elizabeth]

You are utterly bonkers. Though the icelandics have definitely crossed my mind.
What about Tim from Hi-5, he's got such a lovely smile!

[Eggs Akimbo]

Yes, I've often wondered whether some action for Archie may spice up his life a bit! He'd certainly get slimmer from the exercise! Why haven't he amd Miss Dooley ever got it on?

Sportacus..for sure!

The dad from Lizzie McGuire (He was also in Revenge of the Nerds!).