10 Things Mothers Lie About

NB writes in with this illuminating list of the lies mothers tell:

1. The pain of childbirth

Trite but true, a mother will never reveal the true extent of the pain of childbirth. How could we even begin to explain anyway? Instead, when asked about it, by soon to be initiated friends, we mutter something about breathing through it and try and suppress the buried memory of our own experience of childbirth, particularly the bit that involved crawling around on all fours howling like a dog.

2. The amount of alcohol we drink

Of course we love bathing our child and the way they smell all clean when they are tucked up in bed listening raptly to what Charlie said to Lola. We are more reluctant to admit that we are on auto-pilot the throughout the entire bathing/bedtime ritual, our minds concentrated almost exclusively on that magical first, cold glass of wine that we are going to guzzle the minute the children (finally) go to sleep. Alcohol is a quick fix route to relaxation that few exhausted mothers can resist.

3. Paid work is easier than childcare

Every working mother has had the experience of a stay at home mother asking them ‘how on earth they do it’? We bask in their apparent admiration, reluctant to admit what men have known for decades; paid work is easier than childcare. Work can be grim, it is true. But rarely, if ever, will one of your colleagues wrap themselves around your ankle screaming if you try to go to the bathroom or fix yourself a cup of coffee.

4. Yes, we are competitive

We want our children to be high achievers. Of course we ‘tut’ at the ridiculous notion of a two-year-old learning Mandarin and actively pity those parents that turn up to sports day with running shoes. But here’s the thing - it often feels good when your children are better and faster than their peers. Always distrust a mother that tries to impress upon you the fact that she ‘does not have a competitive bone in her body’.

5. How much we resent our partners

Much as we adore our children’s fathers, a lot of the time we also just plain hate them. How many of us have not fantasised about our partner’s death while getting down and dirty with the bleach in the loo which he never, ever cleans? Few of us remember that section of our wedding vows which involved us remembering every dreary date on the domestic calendar from birthdays to school open days; far less the part where we promised to stay up all night sewing in labels, packing lunch boxes or conjuring up outfits for school plays. As for the part where you collapse in an exhausted heap around midnight and he shows up with that certain twinkle in his eye…

6. How much we resent our children

Tricky one this because it really is a given that we love our children, and most of us could prove to an objective standard, that we have sacrificed our youth, looks and sanity in pursuit of their happiness and well being. However, this does mean that from time to time we do not regard them as the life-sucking little leeches that they are. This is most acute when, just home from the daily commute we are forced to sit through five acts of a confusing, noisy childrens’ play, complete with scenery, costume changes, and energetic audience participation.

7. How much we hate our childless colleagues

It is really ok to hate our childless colleagues because they hate us right back. They see that we have a ready made excuse for every late morning, early evening, extended holiday and day off sick. They have no appreciation, nor could they, that the work is all still there when we arrive back. It is true that our childless colleague often gets into work early and pointedly stays late. Your boss is unlikely to be aware of the fact that, notwithstanding this, they spend the most of their time at work surfing the internet for last-minute skiing holidays or mini breaks for two in Barcelona.

8. The amount of screen time our children get

Of course we have all read the dire warnings about screen time. We know that computer games and television will affect our children’s’ ability to concentrate, care about others and construct a coherent sentence. Most of us would say that our children spend no more than one hour in front of a screen a day. This is a big fat lie. If you doubt this ask yourself how many children’s television characters your child could name aged 2. The reality is many children pack in a good two hours plus in front of the television in the morning before their parents are even fully conscious. And let’s face it, if your child insists on getting up at 5.50am every morning, what are you supposed to do, potato printing?

9. The amount of junk food they eat

Yes, we mash up organic vegetables for our babies and shove cubes of carrot and cucumber into their lunch boxes to impress their teachers with our enlightened approach to food. We smile serenely as, lovingly, we place fruit smoothies and bumper packs of raisins into our trolley at the supermarket. Looking back, we are therefore completely mystified as to exactly how and when sugared cereals and ketchup became such a staple of our children’s diet, and note with horror their ability to recognise popular fast food outlets just from the logo.

10. That we do not like our friend’s children

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of becoming a mother is that your loving and maternal instincts do not extend to the offspring of you friend’s children. In fact, if anything, other people's children become even more intolerable when you are dealing with the relentless demands of your own family. All of us have the experience of watching ineffectual parents inflict their dreadful offspring onto others. It is very hard to have to grit your teeth and encourage your child to ‘share' with little Oscar when you have just observed him spit at your child and pull the head off her best doll.

Comments

[Liti]

OMG thts so true..I couldnt stop laughing...I used to think I was the only one who thought like that seriously..thanks for the article.

[Caroline]

THIS list is pure genious - all so true and kept me and my sister laughing for a good few hours! It is so refreshing when people speak the truth. I actually had a friend of a friend tell me the horror of childbirth in its most vivid form, and it actually helped. I never say to anyone, "Oh it's not as bad as you think", it is beyond the bounds of decency! I am actually writing this with an ice cold beer in hand after putting my beautiful 2.5 month old daughter to bed - why did nobody tell me that at this age you are living with a hormonal teenager in a childs body?! Mind you I have heard said that your child is a mere reflection of your good self - enlightening and equally terrifying! Anyway I thank you - it is comforting to know that so many people feel the same, even if everyone denies it. Hoorah for honest mothers everywhere. I salute you all. HAPPY CHRISTMAS - even if you don't sit down, drink and be merry.

[Kirsten]

I have 5 kids under the age of 9 (I know, total madness and all my own fault). On particularly fraught afternoons/bath times, you can hear me mumbling under my breath 'no red wine before 8 o'clock' as a sort of mantra.

I breastfed all kids at least 18 months. Personally, total alcohol abstinence for 10 years would have driven me mad and, I'm quite sure, cut the milk production as well. A relaxed mother is a (somewhat saner) mother.

I must say i'm glad benjamin ('10 lies fathers tell') isn't MY husband.

Re. Lies: I cut this out of a paper a few years ago..

Sir: I had no problems saving money as a child. When I was seven years of age my father presented me with my own money box. It was a solid metal box securely fixed to the wall in the understairs cupboard and I proudly put my shilling into it, every week.

I was 10 before I discovered it was the gas meter.

Yours faithfully
Arthur Little, Ashley, Cheshire.

Class!

[ABETADAD]

I am really genuinely shocked by so much of what is written above.

Why does so much of it read like we resent our children for taking up time that we would be much rather doing something else?

I do not recognise any of these Ten Lies - do people really lie about such trivial stuff?

Get a grip everyone.

[j]

days off=days on, not sure about that one. Washing, ironing, shopping, tidying- those tend to get left to weekdays.

My mother gave me a good bit of advice when I got married. Do your housework when someone else can see you doing it. Otherwise, they assume it's no bother.

Otherwise, love the list!

How about lies grannies tell (or rather, truths they suppress).

I'll start you off. We know your computer games are way more fun than the Jackie Annual which was all we had to do in our childhood, but we're just jealous cos we havent got the hand-eye co-ordination to do it any more.

[Mollie]

When I go shopping with my 3 yr old I tell him that the sweets near the checkout are there because they are the ones that no one wants to buy. If he insists on having them (rarely) then I remind them that they taste like peas. He likes peas as a veg but apparently doesn't want sweets that taste like peas. Works everytime!!

[Mumoftwo]

My husband would agree with a fair few of these. He actually missed the birth of our first child, we had waited so long (three days) he left as they said nothing more was happening, but typically, I then had mega-contractions and gave birth whilst he was racing back to see me. To be honest, I was glad he wasn't there, for various reasons it resembled a horror film and am glad he doesn't have the same horrific memories that I do, although my mum was there so she does! Second-time round, it was easy-peasy in comparison (only 6 hours) and it was a much nicer birth for him to witness. Otherwise-I work in an office all week and do think (about him) why doesn't he do all the housework (never discovered the nature of his actual housework disability, but he sure has one) and that my days off are like his days on which is why I'm so knackered on Mon mornings!

[Benjamin]

Ten lies fathers tell:

1. We don't want to be at the birth - it's just awful to see the woman you love writhing in pain and blood with nothing you can do.

2. The children aren't angels - they are simply monsters and it is your fault they are here.

3. You don't look great - we don't expect you to but why ask?

4. We aren't sympathetic to "your life" - you choose it, get over it.

5. We would rather you worked.

6. You ARE turning into your mother.

7. Most of the children's bad habits come from you - obvious really but somehow you blame everyone else.

8. We do think we work harder - our "day off" is looking after the children which is the same as your "day on".

9. We do take the cleaning for granted - but you at home all day.

10. The children's "art" is just a mess, why expect us to guess what it is in front of them, that isn't a game its emotional bullying.

[Jane]

One thing still has me needled all these years later - I'd successfully kept my infant and ice-cream many, many miles apart....only to find the mum of another child had offered him his first taste - and without checking with me first! Hooked at the first push.

Also, be aware, NEVER accept free gift vouchers for trash food - I did for slush puppies - and I've been paying for it ever since. They are the BIGGEST rip-off ever.

[Amanda]

mary & martha? does christianity not want women to keep house, then? i didn;t know it was that feminist...

as for ice-cream lies; a friend of mine was told that cream cheese was ice cream, & given & dollop in a cone! result: she decided she did;nt like ice-cream. not till she was about 14 did she learn that ice cream really tastes alot nicer...i don;t think shes; trusted her parents' info since...

[wynona]

I am a US mom and grandmother and the best revenge is when your child has a child. From the stories told in my family I was a very difficult child and I remember my Mom telling me, when she had reached the end of her rope, I hope someday you have a daughter just like you. I have four children, two boys and two girls, but I think my oldest daughter was tge one my mom was wishing on me. She ranged from merly defficult to down right impossiable. Now, at 28, she is a wonderful, loving person with an eight year old daughter who also ranges from difficult to impossiable. I laugh every time I hear her say "someday I hope you have a daughter just like you."

[J]

ps my fave lies:

They only sell coca-cola in restaurants

if you only have one TV arial on the house it can only run one TV set, so you cant have one in your room.

[J]

When I was little, I heard the ice cream van and my parents told me it was church bells.

Next day, it came past again and apparently I came running up and said, "Mummy, church bells, can I have an ice-cream?".

[Kieransmum]

Brilliant, Rachel.

I have a friend who tells her child that the ice-cream van only takes a special kind of money that mostly she's forgotten to bring out. But strangely, Granny always has it!

[bushra]

Rachel: my hero!

[Carlyle Braden]

As an only child, I never had to hear this huge lie - perhaps the biggest of all: I love you both(all) equally. But I taught for 28 years and some children I liked far better than others. I could not act as though I did, but fact is, I did. The ones I liked best were the liveliest, off the wall but curious and intelligent ones.
I went on to have an only child, not intended, but that's the way it worked out. It took me a very long time to realise just how passionately I do love her. In England there is either a "down" on children's normal behaviour ( I'm talking 31 years ago) where having a "good" baby was paramount to today when mothers clog up the ladies trying to persuade little beautiful to do his business and respect his privacy while the rest of us stand cross legged in the queue for 20 minutes listening to a blow-by-blow account of how he is doing, but won't let mother in to hurry the process along a bit!
You have to accept your child the way it is, true, but you can also train it not to inflict its egocentric desires on others to their discomfort.

[Jane]

"When Martha complained that Mary wasnt pulling her weight she was told that Mary's contribution was more important than hers and she should lighten up and stop fussing about food and trivial domestic tasks.

That story always annoyed me!"

Me too - the only thing Martha should have replied was 'OK, Lord, well supper is sandwiches - make them yourself!'

The other story I hate is the Prodigal Son - me, I i.d. totally with the hardworking older brother. Poor man. I always thought the parable totally unfair and unacceptable.

[Jane]

Must say the one that caught me up short there was the threat to tell the police about bad behaviour. No no no and NO NO NO NO NO !!!!! Unless you are a family that is, shall we say, known to the police and a frequent guest of Her Maj and child should NEVER EVER EVER be taught that the police are something to be afraid of. You should ALWAYS tell your children that the police are there to protect you, and that is that.

As for 'misleading statements' I can remember a comedian (though can't remember who now) who said his mum told him that when the ice cream van played his tune it meant he'd run out of ice-cream....

REALLY mean!

[Rachel]

Big lies:

They don't sell coco-pops in our local supermarket.

The post office has run out of chupa chups (or whatever they're called).

Father Christmas is watching you.

The remote control has broken.

The police will put you in prison if you don't wear your seat belt.

I'll tell your teacher that you spat at your sister.

Sweets are only for grown-ups.

The list is endless!

[Anna]

J
At least the dole (or better, changing jobs) is an option. Handing back the kids isn't!

[j]

Anna, the parallel would be with going to work. If you have had a hard day you want to collapse in front of the fire with some relaxing substance (chocolate, booze, tea) and have a nice moan to your friends. You dont want to be told, well if you dont like it, go on the dole.

[Anna]

I was never under any illusion about how tough and tedious it is raising children, nor the huge sacrifices I would have to make, and the risk of resenting them for it. That's why I never had children. I can't believe so many of you blithely thought it would be a good thing!! I'm so bored hearing new parents bleating "I can't believe how much it's changed our lives". So how did you think it was going to be then? After thousands of years of civilisation, why have potential parents still not got the message??

[j]

KM and others, the idea that a mother's prayer is in her work with kids reminds me of the story in the Christian bible of Mary and Martha. Remember that Martha was doing all the cooking etc and her sister Mary was talking to Jesus. When Martha complained that Mary wasnt pulling her weight she was told that Mary's contribution was more important than hers and she should lighten up and stop fussing about food and trivial domestic tasks.

That story always annoyed me!

[BY]

it's a good job some mothers have had good nanny's to help with costume making,etc into the late hours!!

thats the perk of the job, enjoy others peoples children, which yes is the hardest job! but at least you get to go home and have a good nights sleep! very enlightening NB and very funny too!!