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Was your wedding so rubbish you fancy having another one?

Ours certainly was. Let's be honest - your first wedding is like the first pancake of the batch: its bound to come out a bit wonky, however hard you try. You're so vulnerable to the stated expectations of your families and, statistically, still so young and stupid, the whole thing ends up a unsatisfying botch. Ours went so bizarro we ended up getting married in Coventry. Coventry! Coventry. And two days after Christmas, too - ensuring that all our guests fat and bloated from Christmas, and wouldn't get up and dance, making it the worst reception in history. I'd also lost our first baby (at 12 weeks; seems like nothing now, after two normal pregnancies, but felt like the end of the world then) three days before, on Christmas Eve, so went down the aisle with a sanitary towel the size of a mattress, off my face on codeine. And whilst wearing a filthy pair of 12-year-old Doc Marten sandals because I'd left my wedding shoes at home, in all the panic.
Then my father let slip to my sister he was considering putting her into care, and one of our guests tried to give my husband's very proper, Greek father some ecstacy, with the words "These are my pearls. Have one of my pearls."
Yes. All things considered, I'd like to do it again. Not least because we've got loads of new friends now - better friends; it's a definite upgrade - that I'd like to have around while we do some manner of vow renewal. I'd spend nearly all the budget on trying to buy in a load of 2004 Cote Chatillion Condrieu, wear a very tiny top hat, make a maudlin, rambling, drunken speech about how very much I love my husband and children and, this time, allow myself to cry and cry and cry. And then I'd crank up Paradise City by Guns'n'Roses, and stand on a chair pretending to be Slash with all the Filthy Mummies.
And maybe do this. You suspect that they went on to have a very, very good marriage.

Click here for the top 5 wedding videos.

What does the scandal in Austria tell us?

It's hard to get your mind around the horrific story of Josef F (pictured) and what has happened to his daughter. Two stories in the Times today discuss how such a macabre situation could have unfolded in this Austrian community.

Roger Boyes reports from Vienna about the uncurious society there; Stefanie Marsh and Bojan Pancevski write about the several child abuse scandals in Austria and how attitudes among police and politicians have played into those situations, pointing out that "in two of these cases, neighbours admitted to reporters that they knew the perpetrators and victims of the crimes only by their surnames."

Nannycams: Is it wrong to watch those that watch your kids?

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Cloth nappies: too worthy for their own good?

Cloth nappies are the Mooncup of parenthood. Worthy, green and incredibly impractical.

Theoretically, these items are great. Use and reuse the silicone rubber Mooncup instead of bleached disposable tampons. Swaddle your baby's bottom in soft cotton with a colourful leak-resistant cover instead of taping on a throwaway nappy that will take 500 years to degrade once it hits the landfill. That's probably why the washable nappy is more popular now than any time since the 1970s.

Yet just as I can't see myself rinsing out my Mooncup in the office sink standing next to my editor, I couldn't commit to spending valuable time before work, after work and on the weekends administering a cloth nappy regimen.

Do children ruin mothers’ taste in books?

It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times, when it comes to women’s reading habits, says a new survey. 

When women settle down and have children (promulgating the species – good) they abandon “serious” literature in favour of “light and easy” books and celebrity biographies (Victoria Beckham’s life story - very bad), according to research by Netmums.com and the Bookseller.

Forty per cent of 6,000 women questioned switched from weightier works to lighter fare after having children. More than half of mothers prefer “chick lit” or “anything that doesn’t take much effort”.
Netmums cofounder Siobhan Freegard, says this “mumming down” of literature has an impact on children and mothers.

Damn the teachers' strike

My daughter has only just gone back to school after the Easter holidays (Monday) and she's already off again today because of the teacher's strike, along with a million other kids in 91 local authorities as the National Union of Teachers calls a strike about its below-inflation pay settlement. How rude of everyone concerned to call the strike on a Thursday - they could have done it on a Friday so everyone could have had a long weekend? Or done it in a couple of weeks time when we've all had time to recover a bit longer from the holidays?

As it is, after two weeks of arranging play dates and trying to make sure she had something jolly to do while I was at work and she was on holiday - a feat of logistical planning any manager would be proud of, I was back on the case on Tuesday trying to find someone for her to play with this afternoon.

Tomorrow's school strikes.

Obviously this is a gigantic pain in the arse - although it did lead to the amusing side-effect of me, on Monday, asking Eavie's teacher, who is a red-hot baby-sitter on the side, if I could now pay her to have the kids on Thursday for the day.
But you do have to wonder - how clever ARE these teachers; these custodians of our children's minds? Anyone with half a brain would have scheduled the strike on Friday, leading to a nice long weekend for everyone. Tsk. Maybe we should have a word.

Read Eleanor Mills's blog post on the strike

How do you teach your children about religion?

What kind of religious education do you give your children? Religious school? Church every Sunday? Synagogue every Saturday? Or is religion not important at all to you? I grew up going to Sunday school, er, religiously. But weekends are such precious downtime for the family we never make it to church.

The question is how do I go about educating my daughter about Christian values?

To talk about the issue of religious education for children, Alpha Mummy invited Ruth Gledhill, the Times religion correspondent and blogger on the Times' Articles of Faith for a "Two-Fer", a video chat on the subject. Watch our discussion below and post your thoughts on teaching kids about God, Allah, G-d, humanist ideas or the belief that there's nothing out there beyond our experiences.

"Man colds".

For those currently experiencing the post-Easter holiday round of colds, as we are, this old clip is very pertinent.

Oddly inappropriate building brick

This building block appears to show places where one can hit a major artery in the average teddy. No wonder this country is going to the dogs.

Enid Blyton Raises Another Generation

There are many aspects of my childhood I would not wish to replicate for my children. Sleeping, for two years, on the foam rubber cushions from a Volkswagen caravanette. My father’s “modish” Bombay Mix Curry. Living in Wolverhampton.
The one aspect I cannot fault, however, is the literature. When my parents moved from Brighton to Wolverhampton, when I was two, more than half of their luggage was in the form of three huge suitcases, full of children’s books, which my mother had been collecting at jumble-sales for years. They kept the suitcases under their bed and, every few months or so, when we were deemed finally “old enough,” a new handful would be brought out. We started on Mable Lucy Attwell, Shirley Hughes, The Mr Men and Noddy, and slowly progressed through The Faraway Tree, Mallory Towers, Ballet Shoes, Narnia, Alice, Blyton’s “Adventure” series, Arthur Ransome, E Nesbitt and then, through Spike Milligan’s war memoirs and the Brontes, into the wide-open uplands of my parents’ own, adult bookcases.
I have to say, I think it was the perfect selection. The definitive selection. Indeed, I actually think that list is a fairly comprehensive list of what it would take you to be a “proper” child, that would then turn into a “proper” adult. I can’t really have a full conversation with someone who can’t discuss the two lesbian tutors in Ballet Shoes, remember what it was like to come across the knitting sheep in Through The Looking Glass, cry laughing thinking of Oswald’s monologues in The Bastables, or confess to having had a wank over Mr Rochester.
Since Dora’s seventh birthday, in February, I’ve been reading her the first three Naughtiest Girl books by Enid Blyton. God, they’re even better than I remember. So brilliantly written – both wholly on a level with, and ever so slightly pushing, the reader/listener.
They actually work as wonderful parenting manuals – showing children working out their problems for themselves, and seeing the consequences of not only their actions, but their personalities. They tackle some pretty big issues, as well: ugliness, anger, loneliness, laziness, obesity, parental disaffection. At the moment, Julian – the clever, actually quite sexy boy with the “goblin-grin” – has his mother’s life hanging in the balance. Only a life-long commitment to cease his deployment sneezing-powder in Miss Ranger’s class, and use his “fine brains” to further medical research, instead, will save her.
Both Dora and Eavie actually do seem to have become more thoughtful, calmer, more articulate people since we started reading them. Like our weekly appointment with How To Look Good Naked, The Naughtiest Girl works as a spring-board to discuss a gigantic number of issues, and really keep on top of what’s swirling around in their lovely little heads. Even if it is, as with Eavie yesterday, a query on how often baby cows grow up to be humans.
I just might never bother with a book written after 1962. I just might live in my mother’s suitcases.

Plastic round-up: Lakeland and cosmetic surgery

Alpha Mummy's Sarah writes in the Times today about working mums' fascination with the Lakeland catalog. I confess, I've loved Lakeland since I saw a friend's ice lolly holders (with built-in straws) several summers ago. Every time I pick up a catalogue I find myself seduced by things like towel grips, the Sink Bin (for soggy cereals and other things too wet for the bin, to thick for the drain) and the solar energy torch. It's because we crave perfection and the ability to stave off parenting chaos, Sarah says.

Certainly for me the Lakeland catalogue promises order, along with the corner plate rack. £8.99 for an oasis of calm at home? Who can resist?

Sarah also mentions a new American Book called My Beautiful Mommy, that helps parents explain to their 4- to 8-year olds why mommy is going into hospital to change her nose, get her thighs vacuumed and having huge jiggly balloons shoved under her skin to make her breasts bigger. But don't worry, darling, Mummy and Daddy love you just the way your are.

See excerpts from the book on Newsweek.

The stages of life, according to the NY Times bestsellers

  Tula Karras, a friend of Alpha Mummy who lives in New York, noticed a pattern to the lineup of most popular books in the New York Times Paperback Advice Bestseller list. The specificity of this category is intriguing in its own right (where is the "Paperbacks You Love to Read but Don't Want People to See the Cover"?). But Tula noticed that not only are the advice bestsellers helpful, the order in which they appear can serve as a kind of blueprint of modern life.

To wit (her additions in bold):

1. A NEW EARTH, by Eckhart Tolle. A spiritual teacher prescribes letting go of the ego to help end conflict and suffering.
A college-grad, freshly transplanted from the insulated “anything’s possible” campus culture to the real world of New York City, you are still idealistic enough to think that you can enact selfless change and be happy without a 5-figure monthly income.

2. THE POWER OF NOW, by Eckhart Tolle. A guide to personal growth and spiritual enlightenment.
A working youth, now a few years out of college, you realize that you can’t necessarily change the world to match your idealistic vision, but you can change yourself.

3. SKINNY BITCH, by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. Vegan diet advice from the world of modeling. (Illustration from book pictured above)
The late 20s—your metabolism is slowing, you’re not making any money in your middling job, and you’re too jaded to want to change the world or to become spiritually enlightened. Better: Lose weight, court your inner bitch, and land a rich dude.

4. WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING, by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel. Advice for parents-to-be.
Early 30s, you’ve snagged your sugar daddy and his sperm has swum the swim to your egg. You’re gonna be a momma!

5. MARTHA STEWART’S COOKIES, by Martha Stewart Living Magazine. The magazine’s editors share 175 recipes and variations.
Holy ****, why did no one tell you how hard parenting is? You need the motherlode of carbs—cookies — to eat your way out of depression and bribe your toddlers.

6. GETTING THINGS DONE, by David Allen. A productivity consultant on how to keep stress at bay through personal organization and time management. You’ve come out of your cookie coma, the kids are in school, and you’re ready to get your ducks in a row, even if it’s all just an illusion.

7. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, by Gary Chapman. How to communicate love in a way a spouse will understand. Your baking skills? Check. Your filing system? Check. Your career? Check. Your kids? Check. Wait, what are you forgetting ... Oh yeah, you have a husband, but barely.

8. YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE, by Louise L. Hay. A counselor’s prescriptions for regaining confidence through mind-body self-healing. Screw fulfillment through your family; you’re going to find it inside your third eye.

9. MAKING THE CUT, by Jillian Michaels. Fitness and diet advice from a trainer on “The Biggest Loser” on NBC. Meditation is great, except that all that sitting on your arse has made it grown exponentially. Plus, you’re turning 40 and are obsessed with looking 30 again. If those highly micromanaged, in-the-spotlight TV "losers" with 24-hour-access to personal trainers and nutritionists can do it, you can do it on your own. With a book.

10. SKINNY BITCH IN THE KITCH, by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. Vegan recipes from the authors of “Skinny Bitch. Haven't we been here before? No, wait, this time you don't want to be skinny. This time you want to be healthy and save the world, starting with your dinner plate. If you happen to eat as few calories as an in-treatment anorexic and drop a stone while you're at it, well, it's all for a good cause.

A padded bra for a seven-year-old?

I was appalled to read today about a brand new Tesco product: a padded, plunge bra for seven-year-olds. Yes, seven. The £4 "bust-booster" is being sold alongside more normal vests for pre-pubescent girls in Tesco stores. Now what is this all about? How can we condemn the early and gratuitous sexualisation of children, particularly girls, and then have our biggest supermarket producing what they term 'pocket-money products' to get little kids to buy bras. I know little girls are interested in everything grown-up - my own girls, five and nearly three, love nothing more than parading round my bedroom in my highest heels, wearing vests as dresses and wiggling their bums, it's a kind of parody of being a grown-up woman. But actually buying a child, or letting them buy themselves, a bra to give them the appearance of breasts on a child's body must be a paedophile's dream. Is Tesco staffed by paedophiles? They've got form on this, I'm sure it was them who sold a child's lap-dancing pole set. To go with that famous Woolworth's Lolita bed-set. And Playboy pencil sets. And a selection of other astoundingly tasteless items. What are these shops trying to do? We need to make a big fuss about this. Kids need to be kids as long as they can - selling them bras at seven doesn't help make that possible!

How's your sex life?

Love is in the air in the past few days. Or at least, sex is.

Caitlin Moran rejoices that new research shows the best sex last between 3 and 13 minutes. A story in the Sunday Times magazine details the intricacies of marital strife since the early years of Relate, including the piquant observation that in the past 10 years the number of men who have gone off sex has risen dramatically. And a friend of mine recently confided that she and her husband rarely have sex - neither of them want it after a hectic day.

So it seems sex has become shorter, rarer and - for many married couples - a lot less fun.

Gloria Steinen reportedly said, "A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after." Is a satisfying sex life after marriage or children possible?

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Mummy, why didn't you come etc...

My daughter has often accused me of neglecting her during the night - even when she's sleeping in the same bed as me!  Sometimes I'm downstairs when she wakes, but sometimes I'm right next to her and the reality doesn't quite cut across her half-consciousness. It doesn't mean I wasn't paying attention to her, it just means she is trying to signal that she feels insecure and wants reassurance. Children do this sort of thing all the time: my son is going through a phase now that whenever something bad happens to him, such as dropping a toy or not quite making it to the loo in time, he says, in frustration, Mummy, why did you make me do that?"  Half the time I am on the other side of the room, or not even in the room.  The other thing they do is pretend to be babies: the game is that they can't dress themselves, or eat with a fork, and I have to do it for them.  This seems to give them enormous pleasure. I think it's all to do with the tensions between wanting to grow up and become more self-sufficient, and missing the slavish devotion that babies have from their parents. 

Party etiquette

Okay, ladies and gents, a dilemma (oh how we love a good dilemma). It's my daughter's fifth birthday in May, and I've promised her a party. There are 30 kids in her reception class, plus at least 10 other non school friends. Our house can take maybe 20, and that's if I put the sofa in the garden. So far, all the parties in her class have invited everyone - but I don't ever remember being allowed to do that when I was a kid. I know we all do it at nursery level, but that's just a few toddlers and some jelly: this is 30 strapping schoolkids. Not to mention the cost of the party bags. 

Is is acceptable for her to draw up a list of, say, 10 class mates and just invite them? Or would I/we be committing a huge faux pas that will scar her for life?   

Natasha Kaplinsky's pregnancy: when did she know?

Channel 5 has announced that its new marquee news reader Natasha Kaplinsky is pregnant. Three months pregnant. Which means whether she knew it or not, she was pregnant when she started her million-pound-a-year job. It’s good news for her and her husband, and thought-provoking for everyone else.

Kaplinsky is good at her job - ratings for the news bulletin are up a reported 72% since she started. But you have to wonder whether Channel 5 knew they were handing over the suitcase full of money to top talent that would be slipping out the door several months hence.

She talked about parenthood to Andrew Billen in February:

Does she still hope to have children? "What do you mean still?" She is 35. I meant, I say, having signed this three-year deal with Five. "God yes, absolutely and of course that was part of what we discussed. I hope I will but you never know, do you?"