Do parents have sex?

The answer seems to be yes. Hooray! In the Sunday Times today we reveal the results of the Alphamummy survey into the sex lives of parents, and it seems that unlike pandas we are all at it, and rather happily, much more than we think. I've lost count of the number of friends who raise their eyes to heaven when you mention sex, or the girl friends who say to me, "I just really don't want to have sex any more now I've got the kids." So I'm really glad to hear that despite the intense knackeration that most of us parents exist with permanently, you guys out there are getting it on.

It's always been my view that to have a happy marriage, if you are a woman, you need to do sex and cooking even when you don't feel like it. I know it doesn't sound very feminist, but it works... or put it this way, if you don't cook or do sex your husband's wrath will know no bounds. To put it another way, which perhaps sounds a bit more palatable, marriage is all about the things you do for each other - like listening when the other one is telling you what they had for lunch, or pretending to be interested when your husband explains the intricacies of Arsene Wenger's latest signing for Arsenal. Your spouse is your intimate witness, the one who cares where you are, what your day has been like, what your boss said to you this morning.

In the same way that we need someone to share our trivia, we all have rather more basic biological needs that must be met - whether it is your husband heaving out the bin or changing a tyre or fixing your bike or rubbing your back; or you making sure there is supper on the table and the marital bed is lusty. Caitlin Moran did a brilliant blog a few days ago about still being soppily happily married to her husband after 13 years. I've done eleven years of marital (mostly) bliss - and the secret is making the effort to do something for the other person even when you are exhausted, grumpy and feel like collapsing on the sofa with an enormous glass of wine. I always find that making an effort when I least feel like it pays an enormous dividend in terms of the gratitude of my husband and also in him making the same kind of effort for me.

And going the extra marital mile applies to the boudoir too: I read an old proverb the other day which said, 'a lusty marital bed is a pearl beyond price' - remember that, honour that and you are on your way to a happy married life. My stepfather, who I loved dearly and who was a wise, wise man: a pschoanalyst, a philosopher, a man who had made a great deal of people better, gave me this piece of advice on his death bed. I asked him what the secret was to being happy. "It's simple," he replied. "Live with someone you love, and be faithful to them." That kind of "faithful" means having sex with them - not someone else. But it definitely includes the having sex bit. So give it a go, even if you don't feel your best, you've got love handles and the baby has kept you up all night... it's always worth it. After all, if your husband isn't making love to you, he's probably making love to someone else - or thinking about it. If you don't believe me read Guilty Pleasures, a brilliant piece from New York magazine about just what husbands get up to

ne

Comments

[Delilah]

Re: Susan's post I always liked the idea in Robertson Davies' "Salterton Trilogy" of true marital happiness consisting of a double bed each. Sadly we never had a bedroom big enough....

[Jennifer]

Amanda

Was very interested in your post about Niddah. When I spoke to Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity, she specifically mentioned periods of abstinence and rituals before sex in different cultures as something that helps keep sex alive within a long-term relationship. Very interesting to hear your experience of it.

[Jaswinder]

it is a womans right to have sex when she wants it. if the man isnt interested then tough - he has to perform.

[Jaswinder]

it is a womans right to have sex when she wants it. if the man isnt interested then tough - he has to perform.

[corinne]

Important topic. I had many boyfriends (sex partners) in the single days. It was all exciting and "sexin the city" but ultimately fleeting and dissatisfied, I turned to spirituality and orthodox Judaism to ground me. It's all good --but after 20 years with one man-- sex just isn't a thrill. for one thing there's not going to be any deep thrilling intrigue (like in the single days on "the hunt") He's a great hubby and father but hormones change and he doesn't "last" at all --let alone hit my g-spot so after a few years like of dwindling desire there's NO anticipation. I already know I won't enjoy it. He's my soulmate but not my bodymate. (Yet he desires me all the time!!! He always thinks this time will be better.. I have to feel like a louse for rejecting HIM, on top of it all-- hahaha) Yet, I'll never take a lover or divorce. I use my vibrator just to "keep in shape". BTW-- I find my hormones have changed at 50 too. It's not always as easy to pleasure myself.. Perhaps this is truly human nature-- but society is trying to sell us more sex products, drugs to make us young and sexy and verile. Perhaps our generation-- especially the men --has been brainwashed into thinking we are supposed to lust daily. So "the man" can sell us more durgs, vitamins, sex therapy, cosmetics, foods, porn, movies, books, anything sexy that convinces us we're forever young and not really headed toward death. Maybe we and our husbands are just victims of this mindset. So they divorce and f___ around and get depressed or remarry and fall into the same scenario after a few years... ??????

[supermother]

Sex is not a sacrifice women make for men, not for lots of women. You can see from the thread below someone happy with once or twice a month, others have had 30 years with virtually no sex, male and female, depends on the person and their libido. For some people sex is just not very important. For others they really do enjoy it, think about it a lot etc. which I do. There is not a problem if both halves of a couple are happy or have a compromise they can live with but that is often not the case and the asexual one doesn't realise how much the sex means to the more sexual one and how much better they could make things for the other one even if they simply endure that which they aren't too bothered about. It's not going to kill you although obviously it's much better if you're actively wanting it.

Someone mentioned sublimating desires. I suppose on both sides in relationships in all kinds of areas you might sublimate desires. Someone might sublimate their desire to strangle their mother in law but sex is slightly different. An awful lots of marriage breakdown because of lack of sex and it is part of the "marriage contract" really that you will have sexual relationship with your spouse and if you renege on that in a sense you're in breach of contract. It's why marriages can be annulled if there has never been intercourse, why the marriage service talks about procreation etc.

The Jewish niddah practice sounds very wife. It also means you have sex when you're most fertile and probably most likely to be aroused.

Not liking the negative Catholicism posts though which would put anyone off.... Catholics can have a lot of sex. It just depends on the couple. God invented sex. I am sure he or she wants us to enjoy it.

Also if you don't feel like it but do it anyway I think for some people and I suppose I mean women here, once you get started it's fine anyway. Is there not a slight difference between men and women here in that perhaps more men than women are initiators?

(El, on your question about a toddler redoubling its enthusiasm to breastfeed at night do what you feel is right. I never felt as sexual when I was breastfeeding but I know that's not true for all women and having a baby in the marital bed usually means much less sex plus I could never sleep with them in there. I'd feed it, sweet warm tiny thing in its little damp baby gro and then dump it as far away from me as possible so I could lie straight and then it would always home in on me and roll back to be flesh on flesh like a magnetic attraction. Tended only to have them in bed in extremis although some cultures regard the British not sleeping with children as borderline abusive so it's probably just a cultural thing).

[John P]

Even writing this article, Alpha mummy has to acknowledge "feminists". What a stranglehold these guys got on women. I do get sick of the "sacrifices" women make for their men. To keep the dear boys happy. Men, of course, never make love to a turned on spouse when not in the mood?. Or refuse to do something which may be anathema at the time? Of course not, ever.

[Amanda]

So I'm orthodox Jewish, & we do those Jewish NIddah practices that Supermother mentioned, ie for roughly 2 weeks a month (week of my period + 1 week) - no sex or any similar 'intimacy', then we are together again after I go to the mikvah (ritual bath - like a private spa). Judaism requires a couple to have sex that night, also it's very reccommended on friday night (our Sabbath), just in case you thought it was all 'shalt nots'. New couples tend to think '2 weeks w/o sex, that's hellish'. but the enforced separation is a good aphrodisiac, plus knowing that there's time when i can just go to bed w/a book w/o excuses means that there's less times when i think 'not feeling like it'. Also the preparation of going to the mikvah bath is a nice runup, & my husband usually makes a nice meal for us while i'm out, which is also good!

[adrian]

As I have bared my chest already - so to speak- and in view of some of the subsequent comments to my bit of the blog... I might as well add that we don't always have a wonderful sex life- both of us can easily be distracted, however I think 'Wham Bam ... Lie back and think of England sex' is almost not worth doing as it's pretty unsatisfying for both of us. I'd hate the thought that either of us felt that that was all there was to it. It's all too obvious when a man is genuinely aroused and frankly it's equally obvious when a woman isn't.

I am sure I don't always perform like some pulsating sex god but to be honest she doesn't try to be a sirenlike sex goddess either..!!
We've been married for 17 years and I respect her right to say no and maybe I am lucky but she is quite capable of saying yes ( and vice versa!). Love, affection, respect, and dare I say it, a bit of good old fashioned lust & imagination are good ingredients for decent Sex-but as long as one doesn't take it all too seriously who cares if it isn't always perfect- it just makes the better attempts .. yummier!

Obviously everyone ( and every couple ) has their own requirements but I just can't think how one can enjoy a truly fulfilling marriage or relationship without a reasonable amount of intimacy- but no doubt subsequent blogs will prove me wrong!

[Susan]

I just wanted to add on the "turfing out of marital bed" bit that it's not just for the sex, it's because I don't sleep as well as I used to, and like to read in bed late and eat biscuits, which he hates. And he needs the radio on to go to sleep, and snores once he's off, which I hate. Now we're in seperate rooms it doesn't matter, and we're pleased to see each other in the morning instead of crabby and tired.

[Susan]

I can see that it would be better if I liked having sex as much as my husband does - but I just don't. More than once or twice a month becomes a chore, and it would be dishonest of me to pretend otherwise. He says he can live with this compromise, but to go by some of the other posts I shouldn't even have suggested it but just kept laying back and thinking of England and if he strays it's my own fault. Doesn't the article basically tell us to sublimate our own desires so that men don't have to sublimate theirs? (And before you go on about massages, special evenings and so on - we do all of that).

The men posting in about their wonderful sex lives may have wives who are doing it just to please them, as I did, because of advice like this article. Into their seventies OMG. It doesn't have to be like that.

[Sarah]

I agree that intimacy is important in a relationship, and living together means both partners making sacrifices for each other etc. And when you're busy with work and children sometimes you have to make the effort to find time for sex together - doesn't seem very romantic, but if you leave it to happen spontaneously, sometimes it never does! But here I've emphasised the problematic bit:

"to have a happy marriage, IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, you need to do sex and cooking even when you don't feel like it."

I think this would have been a lot less irritating if it hadn't been gendered this way.

Also I honestly wouldn't expect my partner to have sex with me if he wasn't in the mood - he's a person, not a sex toy, and anyway I wouldn't see the point of it. Sex isn't a chore like taking out the rubbish that has to be done whether you feel like it or not - it's simply for pleasure, and there's no point in doing it if you don't enjoy it. I don't mean to be crude, but I would much rather take care of myself than have partnered sex with someone who was only doing it out of guilt or a begrudging sense of duty.

[David]

It's interesting that some of the comments suggest AM is saying that the forcing youself to have sex is a permenant state. Unless I am mistaken AM is simply saying that on occasion, you should think of the other person and have sex, even if you aren't in the mood for the good of the relationship. AM isn't saying that this is always the case, or suggesting the tables wouldn't turn at different times depending what other things each partner has to deal with at that time. Both partners need to consider the need for intimacy with the other and make equal sacrifices in the relationship. That's what makes it a partnership and not some form of employment.

[Sarah]

I realise this is a blog primarily aimed at women, but surely all the advice applies equally to men. It's bizarre in this day and age to hear sex characterised as something that men want and enjoy, and that women don't much like but should provide as a wifely duty. I can't sepak for the author herself, but some women do actually enjoy sex!

If you're not attracted to your husband, and get no pleasure from sexual intimacy with him, it might be time to seriously reconsider the relationship, as it is sure to cause problems. Unless, as SM says, you are both happy with the situation. But even then you should be honest about how you feel - forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don't want to and pretending to enjoy it sounds like a horribly dysfunctional relationship and a recipe for unhappiness.

[MIKEY]

see

[MIKEY]

see

[Bill]

Can't see what all the fuss is about, we are approaching our golden wedding in August, and of course well into our seventies
but still enjoy a tumble on a fairly regular basis . The problem seems to be the obsession with 'sex' rather than the intimacy of your relationship. It helps when the kids grow up and even better when they have left home so if you have problems look forward .

[Debbie]

I think you hit the nail on the head perfectly Adrian, I totally agree with what you said, it is the togetherness it creates and the intimacy.

We often have enforced long periods without sex when my husband is away (he is in the army) and it really breaks down the intimacy in the relationship and has to be rebuilt when we get back together again. It is hard to go without sex for long periods. My husband can be away for up to 6 months at a time, and I'm sure I feel it as much as he does.

Enforced celibacy is not easy for anyone, even when there is a good reason for it.

[longtooth]

Martin -

DON'T DO THAT!

Been there, done that, have teeshirt. 37yr marriage, of which 30yrs virtually sexless after the second child. Did as you are planning to do 'for the sake of the children'. Not worth it, he won't realise your sacrifice or thank you for it. I was 65 before I got free and was very lucky to find someone quickly who is prepared to accept my age and at long last we are screwing like teenagers and loving it. But thirty fit, virile years down the tubes and WASTED.....DON'T DO IT!

[midnightmadonna]

All the right advice for all the wrong reasons?

[ADRIAN]

I am no bedside guru... but I just notice that when we don't have sex for a while we begin to bicker, have a less consensual attitude to all the problems that life with children brings. Good sex seems like releasing a spring.. whether mental or chemical I am not qualified to know, but I would say reasonably regular sex IS the key to fair,balanced,faithful marriage There is nothing more lonely than a bed shared with a partner who seems to have switched off the relationship.

Our sex life is like a kernel of togetherness that has to be cherished and valued; besides the sheer intimacy of really good sex is just one of life's luxurious moments so why waste it.

Also speaking as a man... if we don't have sex reasonably regularly I just find it plays havoc with the very equipment that you ladies want to enjoy ... as I find that irregular sex just means that I end up coming too quickly... which spoils the fun for both of us! We men run much more smoothly with regular maintence... and so frankly do our partners... so get back under the covers and have some fun... !

[Eluned]

I'm in a Catholic marriage too. I couldn't really fill in the survey (not that I would have anyway, tbf) because I never had sex until I was married and I fell pregnant a month-ish after the wedding. So our child-free sex life was brief to say the least! :)

Sex is an every so often thing for us and it's completely out of choice. There's been a few times when we've had sex everyday for a few weeks but I always found I'd get a bit sore. I don't think my body is built for frequent intercourse. We are 'intimate' a lot, but it usually stops short of going the whole way. And there are long periods of abstinence, especially during Lent, which I love because when it's over and we do make love I'm smiling to myself for days.

Never used artificial contraception, for health reasons as well as religious. We've decided to stop the baby making until further notice. I keep saying I don't want to be 40 odd years old and pregnant but if NFP fails me for the first time in my life I'd be more than happy to bring another child into the family.

Ladies, can I ask for some advice here? This probably isn't the place but I don't recall any recent breastfeeding related entries. I weaned by youngest, Cerys (3) last year and was gradually moving her from our bed into her sisters' room but recently she'd been having nightmares and coming back into our room, which was fine but she also starting pawing at my chest like she used to when she needed to be nursed. I ignored it for a while and then told her something along the lines of 'I don't have any milk anymore' which just felt AWFUL to say. So I've since brought my milk back for her (amazing what a bit of fenugreek and pumping can do) and she's sleeping fine now but with us and with middle of the night feeds. I don't mind exactly, I was missing the co-sleeping, breastfeeding thing and it definitely seems to be doing her good BUT it also feels like a giant leap backwards. I've had some unfavourable comments from friends, to which I normally have a 'screw you she's my baby' attitude but in this case I fear they could be right. Thoughts?

[supermother]

If everyone is happy people should have sex as often as they both want. The problem comes when one isn't. Having to wait until the right time can be quite erotic anyway. I always think the orthodox Jewish Niddah practice (ritual bath, rules etc) sounds quite sexy.

Most UK Catholics use contraceptives. I have never heard, even as a Catholic myself, that Catholics stop sex when the family is complete. What a dire thought.

Surely if a husband (or wife) wants sex every day and the other doesn't then the issue to address is why the other person's sex drive has gone down or else compromise on every 2 or 3 days not turf them out of the marital bed to sleep alone. Is he happy with that?

[Susan]

No-one has mentioned yet that in a lot of Catholic marriages it's still accepted that a lot of sex stops when the family's complete. I persuaded my husband to move into the spare bedroom a couple of years ago, and I think it's improved my marriage - I wasn't enjoying sex much and used to dread going to bed. We seem to spend more time together now, before all we seemed to share was the sex. He wanted it almost every night. I wasn't happy with my contraception either, it made me feel ill. We do still have sex sometimes, when it's safe - we do the rythm method - and he seems so much more tender and grateful, before he sort of took it for granted and didn't make much of an effort.

[supermother]

No, I think sex is part of the marriage deal and there are loads of women who want sex from their husbands and don't get as much as they like either. It works both ways. Although I suppose it's a bit harder if it's the man's lack of interest because he can't as easily lie back and think of England.

I certainly didn't say sex was the only thing you might do for a partner. The other examples mentioned of course are just as important but the principle that we sometimes do things we might not be that keen on in a marriage is a good one, giving as well as taking. I was not advocating a return to the day which are within my lifetime when a man could not rape his wife because she gave continuous consent to sex in marriage, just suggesting far too many people are far too obstructive over having sex and in the end their partners give up, are unhappy and in some case go elsewhere.

I suppose my point was if you aren't feeling much like sex that is a big problem you have which is going to have an impact on your partner and however happy you feel about not having sex you should be addressing that problem.

[50sHousewife]

What an appalling article. I can hardly believe that in 2008 someone would continue to write about having sex as something a wife 'should' do to please her husband (for fear of losing him to someone more willing.) Equating sex to emptying the rubbish is not only politically dangerous, but utterly demeaning to notions of intimacy and care for another person. Full of stereotypes and emotional blackmail to fulfil them.

[Jean Jones]

Oh, for goodness sake. In the area of sex AS IN EVERYTHING ELSE IN A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE - and, SM, perhaps even you might concede that someone who has been in one of those for 30 years and sees no prospect, fingers crossed, of that changing, might know a little more about this than people who are divorced - the key things are kindness, unselfishness and consideration. Not 'should' and 'must'. Concisely, it's treating your partner as you would like to be treated. Then, if they are a decent human being, they will reciprocate, whatever that means at any particular time.Sometimes this will mean forcing themself, for their partner's sake, to do something they may not desperately feel like, whether that be sex, visiting the in-laws or making a hot meal; sometimes, when times are really hard, it will mean leaving the weaker one, whichever that is at any particular time, to gather their strength and not hassling them. You can't lay down rules for How Often You Must Have Sex, because circumstances vary.

[supermother]

Thanks. My parents never got on even though they were married for 51 years but I think they were faithful to each other. When I left for university my mother immediately moved into my bed room. I think it's likely they then didn't have sex for the next 25 years perhaps from when she turned 50. That in itself is interesting as some women do fee less sexy at the menopause age and that affects some marriages although in their case it was more her pure hatred for him I think than hormonal changes at menopause. Anyway I might be wrong. They might have been having passionate sex every night I suppose.

I think it's entirely appropriate to deal with sex within marriage on alpha mummy. Much more interesting than children's nappies or playgrounds. You can leave the nanny to deal with the duller child stuff but you usually don't want to subcontract out the sex part.... although even there there's an issue of husbands sleeping with nannies and wives sleeping with the gardener or relatively asexual people turning a blind eye or expressly condoning adultery so they get let off the sexual hook.

I am also interested in any co-relation between men and and women and their sex drive and their work and alpha type success. Testosterone in men and women can make their work harder, take more risks, achieve more, be better at work.

My own survey might be to ask people to say how often they orgasm and what their income level is. Perhaps I would then be proved wrong however and find that those with nothing much to do are at it all the time and women and men who lead countries, plcs, hedge funds and the like have less sex but I suspect not.

[Lazy Mummy]

SM,

So sorry to hear about your father. Even if (as I think you mentioned on other discussions) it was somewhat expected, it's a hard thing to go through. My condolences.

[Delilah]

Yawn. So Alphamummy has dropped to the level of Cosmo-teen style sex surveys, followed by breathless reports of the self-selected "results".

I for one didn't bother posting on the survey. May not bother posting much at all, in future. (Don't all shout "hooray" at once).

What next, undewear statistics?

[supermother]

Poor Martin. have you tried talking to her . I think some people (men as much as women) just don't realise that a sexless marriage is just not acceptable for most people and people are living in a fool's paradise if they think that's okay. It's the one not prepared to have sex who has the problem, not the person with the normal needs and if you love your partner then she should go to the doctor, get things checked out, see the sex therapist, get the therapy or whatever it takes or even just put up with sex she might not be that keen to have because often once you start it isn't that bad anyway and some couples just don't have it for so long it becomes the elephant in the room, the subject that dare not speak its name.

Whereas if they follow my guidance below to make sure they have sex once a week except when there's a new baby or a major illness, things would be a lot better.

And I am not by any means saying sex once a week is actually enough for a lot of us. For many people that's a huge compromise over wanting it every day or two.

[tiredmummy]

Surely your sex life does vary in a long term relationship when children are involved. Personally, i'm currently breastfeeding and massively sleep deprived so even when the mind is sort of willing my body is just too tired.

However i do agree that when you do make the effort its worth it.

Have just found this blog and have spent the last few evenings reading, learning and laughing.

[HW]

Annonymouse -

WRONG!

EVERYONE dies through not having sex!

[Jean Jones]

"After all, if your husband isn't making love to you, he's probably making love to someone else - or thinking about it." Well, which? There is a fairly major difference between reality and fantasy. No wonder the divorce rate is what it is if a)people aren't even allowed private fantasies without the thought police swooping in (and BTW there is NO law that says either that a married couple have to tell each other every thought that goes through their heads, or that one's imagination is surgically removed as the wedding ring goes on); and b) a husband, or even wife, can't work out when their spouse is, for whatever reason, just not up to the thought of sex-as-well-as-everything-else, in times of extreme stress. It doesn't last forever and I think it's the height of selfishness for either party to presume to solemnly tell the other It's Their Duty to have sex at least once a week no matter what. A decent spouse has enough understanding and compassion to give their partner some slack when things are tough and not to pile even more pressure on them. That is FAR more likely to get results, in the long run, than protestations that the other has needs that MUST be met or else. But I expect, as in so much else, I will be regarded as impossibly old-fashioned in this area too, notwithstanding my 30-year marriage.

[Martin]

Interesting article; am a married man of 24 years but not slept in all senses with wife for over 4 years now - have to sleep in son's old bedroom as wife has marital bed & bedroom. My wife just told me one day that she no longer wanted my presence in the same bed and that I would have to '...sublimate my desires...'

I have not looked at another woman in all this time but have to use other methods to relieve my tensions.

I now realise that I am stuck in a sexless marriage and so once my son attains 18 I have decided to leave my wife and let her divorce me for desertion.

[supermother]

Yes, I agree you don't die through not having it but the urge to have it can be very strong. If it wasn't the human race would not continue to reproduce.

I certainly think people should be less selfish than some are about having sex when they may not always feel up to it. That doesn't kill you either.

[Anne.O'Nymouse]

Sew isn't a "basic biological "need"" -it's a want. Nobody dies through not having sex.

[Debbie]

My condolences on the loss of your father SM, it must be a sad time for you.

I totally agree that it is all about having a sex life that satisfies both of and having a partner with similar desires to your own. Once a week at least is the go at a minimum. I think it is sad but often true that if there is a great dissimilarity between each others sex drive that one or the other will start to look outside the home for what they are missing.

Sometimes when I am tired and not in the mood, I will have sex anyway and then find I feel much better for it and get in the mood once I get going. I guess as in most things in life it is all about balance and finding what works for the both of you, and making allowances for each other along the way.

[supermother]

And the Sunday Times review article... quotes someone "I haven;t ever seen anyone who doesn't deliver on every single demand their sexuality makes on them. We make the mistake of thinking some people have a stronger will, they don't".

That is true which is why it's unfair to castigate some people for their sexuality and sex life and praise others. Those others, whether female or male, may be asexual or happy with the missionary position once a week with the light off and hardly have a sexual thought. Others, men and woman, are made differently, think about sex all the time and have different needs

It also says 10% of women have children with men who aren't their husbands. My father died on Friday. I was just thinking yesterday we never did a genetic test my sister and I had talked about, not that I really matters, to check he was my father.

The article says 15% of married women have affairs and 25% of men. That may be true although studies have showed women are much better at hiding it plus if asked I would assume women might say no and men might who off about high numbers so perhaps it's more like 25% whatever your sex.

[supermother]

And there are plenty of women who want more sex from their husbands who won't provide it. Certainly it is not true that women give sex grudgingly because they have to, that women are some kind of sexless madonna figure who do sex as a favour to their husband.

Sadlya lot of people in marriage get very good sex but from people who aren't their spouse, women as well as men.

Despite the sexual neutrality of my post above I think if we were talking of averages the average married woman with children, whether she works or not and whether she's beta or alpha probably doesn't realise how important sex is to men.

It did have a rather US fundamentalist christian non- feminist feel to it the original post - that women need to do a load of things to keep a man, as if men were some kind of precious God that we need to keep us financially. Whereas the truth is most men and women want a partner, both are lucky to have the other if they end up with someone who is sexy and good looking and faithful and both need to put some effort into keeping the other otherwise your wife will be having her way with an attractive colleague in the broom cupboard at work or been confiding her every thought to him which is arguably as dangerous and ditto the man. So that involves spending time with each other and working on things, working on getting sex really good and exciting and working on both of you looking good and fit so you find each other attractive and working on some common interests you can both talk about.

Given I'm divorced I am probably least qualified to write about happy marriages but there we are.

There are apparently more asexual men and women in the UK than homosexuals and they even have a society devoted to them apparently (don't worry, I'm certainly not a member) but if both partners in a marriage don't want much sex that's fine. If they both do that's fine. If once a week is enough. Great. It's when there is a difference in desire there's an issue.

As a rule of thumb I think if you're married with small children you should have sex at least once a week even if either of you doesn't feel like it.

[Kim]

I'm confused by "In the Sunday Times today..." Eleanor, do you mean "In The Times today" or "In the Sunday Times tomorrow"? 'cos today's Saturday, doncha know.

[Lazy Mummy]

'Course the survey's probably completely bogus, given how people on the other thread were talking about putting in fake info...

[J]

Or even the entire blog posted?

[Downundermum]

Can we have a link to the New York piece? Thanks!