Do you have a cyber-sitter?

Chris Ayres writes about finding his babysitter online via SitterCity.com in LA. We've been doing the same since my daughter was 4 months old, with www.Sitters.co.uk. At first I used it to book the wonderful Marcela to play with my daughter so I could check emails, nap and otherwise get things done around the house. Then I moved on to going to Pilates (I KNOW, sooo yummy). Now, when our regular local sitters aren't available we phone up and they find us someone, typically an off-duty maternity nurse or nanny that we've used before but sometimes not.

It occasionally makes me nervous to have a stranger in the house looking after our child. But as Ayres says:

Sure, it's always better to enlist family members with childminding tasks, but if your nearest relatives are 3,000 miles away, and if your friends are all single and more familiar with the advanced settings of Gmail than those of an eight-month-old, what are you to do? Besides, doesn't it make more sense to hire someone who qualifies for the job rather than someone who qualifies as a relative?

www.sitters.co.uk

Comments

[Finn Korsaa]

www.ParforholdsPortalen.dk This is a website, where you can reed about how to solve your personal problems. the articels are written by the psychology: Finn Korsaa Parforholdsportalen er en side hvor du kan læse artikler om hvordan du klarer dit parforhold eller hvordan du opdrager dine børn på en fornuftig måde. jeg anbefaler alle at kigge på denne side.

[tiredmummy]

I use sitters as we live miles away from family and it was recommended by a friend. All the sitters are police checked and the one i use (you can use the same one all the time) is a registered childminder in her early 50's.

I personally feel safer leaving my children with her than a 17 year old as feel she would know what to do in an emergency and would stay calm.

[Lazy Mummy]

BoB - I wouldn't leave my child with someone I found through a web site either. I did hire 2 nannies through agencies, but there were extensive criminal background & security/reference checks as part of that - an entirely different situation, IMO.

[Baggofbones]

Thanks, KM!

For clarity's sake, what I did say (or intend to say...) was:

I personally didn't (and don't) want to leave my children with anyone else. If my parents/sister/husband's family were local, I would gladly do so!

I would not, ever, leave them with someone I'd found on the internet, however reputable the company.

Sorry if this sounds grumpy - I'm a bit fed up with Alpha Mummy at the moment (largely due all the palaver about if/how/where our posts weill be reproduced!)

[Kieransmum]

I don't think anyone is suggesting you were no good, BoB. I think you have been (mis?)read as saying that good mothers did not leave their children before that age.

Which is clearly a different thing from saying that you haven't found or needed to find anyone local who you're comfortable with.

[Lazy Mummy]

Good mummies (and Daddies) come in all sorts of formats; leaving their child with someone else (or not) doesn't seem to me to be their critical defining factor.

[Baggofbones]

"A good mummy does leave her child, long before they reach the age of 2."

A good mummy does not presume to tell other mummies that they are no good, just because they don't have anyone local with whom they'd feel happy to leave their two-year-old!!

[Gipsy]

I can see your point with regard to total strangers. But I am not so sure about a wide range of different people. What about extended families? I come from one, and would say it was quite normal for family gatherings to occur spontaneously every weekend - at some point there would be at least 20 people around and if a baby was there (especially a newborn) it would be handed from lap to lap. I would imagine that would be more the norm around the world than just having a nuclear family around.

[Jean Jones]

There is a difference, surely, between widening a very small child's circle so that they don't rely entirely on Mum, and exposing them to such a wide range of people that they will 'accept care from anyone'? That is, of course it's a good idea for small children (and i emphasise small, as in under, say, 3) to trust family members and close friends and, if they are in non-parental care some of the time, a small range of childcarers, whether that be nanny, childminder or nursery staff. But I don't myself see it as a good thing for very small children to be expected to be able to cope with a huge number of different people, or indeed total strangers. They have to take it gradually, and although i know Bowlby is much out of fashion nowadays, it remains the case that a baby starts with one person and gradually expands the circle of people with whom s/he feells confident. I was and would still be very choosy about who looked after my children, for the sake both of their safety and their psychological health.

[Mrs Mouse]

A good mummy does leave her child, long before they reach the age of 2.
Protecting a child is not about continually personally adjusting layers and layers of cotton wool insulating them from the world. It is about giving the child the experiences that help them to deal with whatever they may meet. Learning to cope away from mummy is a vital piece of insurance against all sorts of disasters -- it is cruel not to give your child this protection from a very early age. How can you expose your child to the danger that the first time ever that you don't come running at their cry will be in a situation of high stress? Much better that they have a network of trusted adults who can care for them, and that in emergency they have the confidence in others to accept care from anyone.

[J]

bob I did it for years.

You book the person who babysits your child, so if there are people you dont rate, you just dont book them.

Its another form of barter, basically, sooo useful when you are not earning.

[Baggofbones]

Yes, our NCT coffee morning circle does this!

I've never gone for it, though, as there are a couple of people in the babysitting circle whom I'd most definitely not want my children to be looked after by!

[Ad-Mum]

When I was a toddler my mother was part of a 'babysitting circle' - a great 'women empowering women' invention I reckon.

Basically, you formed a group of friends who all had children around the same ages. Each Mum gets e.g. 20 tokens each of which gives you an hour babysitting. Basically you babysit for one of the other mums to earn tokens, then use those tokens to get them to babysit for you.

Free sitting - daytime or evening - from people you and your children know and trust. Cool huh?

Only problem, I guess, is if your children are known to be trouble and you end up with a bank of tokens that you can't seem to spend...

Anyone know anyone who does this now?

[Lazy Mummy]

BoB - Thanks for explaining. And actually I think I came across as more yuppie than I really am 'cuz I rarely leave the kid with a sitter while I go to pilates.

Mostly my husband & I tag-team so the other one has the chance to go out. And we rarely go out as a couple & usually swap babysitting with close friends when we do. Though on *that* score I'm doing better than J did, as I'm off for a girls' night this weekend while my husband's babysitting a friend's child while I go!

If you've been doing osteopathy for 10 years, you should definitely try pilates for your back - I'll be curious to hear how you find it.

[Baggofbones]

Mumofboyz - yes, you are quite right that I did use the word dippy. Oh dear! Maybe I should read my own posts before criticising others'...

[Mumofboyz]

Sorry BoB didn't mean to imply that you were a raving madwoman;..but then again you said yourself that "the idea that you'd find someone online to look after your children seems frankly dippy".

It's obviously a personal choice - I guess what I'm saying is that I think two year olds and much younger can cope fine with being left with someone else for a few hours. And while I've never used Sitters, lots of my friends do, and I don't see a problem with it. Although I would find it a pain to have to keep explaining to different people how the house worked, and personally, I'd feel slightly happier if the kids were with someone they knew. But needs must - one friend uses Sitters very regularly as her hubby is a perfomer and is out almost every night.

[Baggofbones]

"But then I was shocked the other day to hear that my sister in law was worried about going to a family party, because she has never left her 2 year old with a sitter and feels he is still 'too young'. This struck me as slightly nuts."

Well, that's my place booked in the loony-bin!

I wouldn't have considered leaving my son at two with a babysitter. But that was my choice. Others wouldn't agree - but I don't think I'd be shocked by them or say they were nuts!

[j]

"We'd find some way to stand in for one another so we can both do the things we enjoy without children (mine being piano lessons and classical concerts; his being films)."

So it's not that BoB never goes out by herself, that was just a misunderstanding, more that they manage without paying for babysitting, by not going out both together except with kids.

I remember oh so well the system when I was not earning- the dreaded babysitting circle. Every night out had to be paid for by me (never OH for some reason) earning tokens by sitting in return, way past my bedtime, normally kids who were less well behaved than mine about going to bed... it was exhausting but it was a safe and good way to provide babysitting and it was free.

[Kieransmum]

I can't agree more, MumofBoyz. This weekend I took my courage in my hands and left my baby with his elder brother and father whilst I went to a two-and-a-bit day training course.

He was absolutely fine, and although I had dreaded it I didn't miss him at all. (Although my breasts got very sore and swollen!)

[Mumofboyz]

I genuinely am astonished that there are people who feel it's somehow immoral to hire a babysitter, for whatever reason.

But then I was shocked the other day to hear that my sister in law was worried about going to a family party, because she has never left her 2 year old with a sitter and feels he is still 'too young'. This struck me as slightly nuts.

Surely it is more a question of whether you can afford it and whether your children are happy to be left?

Personally speaking I go out with my husband maybe once every 6 weeks, and in the absence of any nearby relatives have a regular babysitter who knows our children (aged 3 and 1) well. They are really happy and excited to be looked after by her. If we didn't do this, we would never get to the theatre or cinema or go to an adult dinner party. For things like Pilates, my husband would babysit the kids, but I guess that relies on him being around and surely some women have husbands that are rarely around due to work.

[Kieransmum]

I totally one hundred and twenty per cent support JH's feeling that she needs time on her own, time without the kids, etc etc.

Some women genuinely don't seem to need this.
Others, like me, would go absolutely stark raving mad if I didn't have childfree stuff happening around the fringes of my life.

How you arrange that is of course down to personal circumstances. But I think it is often to do with what time of life you choose to have children - a relatively young couple, as we are, do still feel the need to go out and have fun together as a couple occasionally, whereas perhaps BOB's retired husband feels that he's put all that behind him long ago?

Some women - I don't know if this is your experience BOB - find that the couple thing becomes less important and is replaced by family. Similarly, some women find the family thing replaces the need for 'independent' time.

I have personally found neither: I need a balance of all three, me, a couple, and family time: although I don't judge people who find differently.

[Gipsy]

LM - have a read of BoB's subsequent posts. I think she means that it is the paying a babysitter that her husband would find mad, not having a babysitter.

[Baggofbones]

LM - it's no different at all! I would do exactly the same. And Pilates isn't the problem (I am planning to go myself, following 10 years of osteopathic treatment). I think it's just that JH's piece came across (maybe unintentionally) as a Yummy Mummy wanting her life not to change after children, and therefore hiring someone off the internet to let her carry on as "normal". She has since explained her position more clearly, and it seems that my impressions were wrong!

[Rachel]

I used Sitters for the first time this month. I have two children and hadn't yet left the youngest (four months). We have no family close by and all my friends were going to the same event we needed the babysitter for - so our usual outlets were unavailable. I hadn't been out with my husband on our own for about a year at that point.

And it was bliss. We talked about "real" stuff, not just whose turn it was to put the bins out, we danced, we laughed. We vowed to do it every month, or even (gasp) more often.

The best thing about a paid babysitter (especially one who's a professional childcarer) is that we didn't feel guilty about staying out late and we knew she would cope if the little one woke up. It was peace of mind, really.

[Lazy Mummy]

BoB,

On occasion, I've used my nanny and friends/sister-in-law as sitters while going to pilates classes (in return for sitting for their children when they were doing things they wanted to). How is it any different than using your retired husband as sitter while you go to piano class? Or is it just that pilates is so trendy these days that you take offence at it?

(I've been doing it for over a decade, since some injuries & as it's the only thing that got me healed & keeps me pain-free, I don't consider it a total luxury).

[Jennifer Howze]

In response to the idea of using a sitter to facilitate Pilates, at the time we didn't have a nanny (i was on maternity leave). I absolutely need time on my own. Maybe that's because I spent most of my 20s and 30s as a single woman or in a relationship but living in an apartment on my own. My husband doesn't need as much alone time, as he grew up in a family of five and spent his 20s and early 30s in a relationship then with a young child.

It's definitely different strokes for different folks in my book. It's fun to do family stuff at night but there's only so much Pizza Express Sloppy Guiseppe I can take.

[Baggofbones]

What I mean by my husband thinking I'd lost the plot is that it would seem to us both to be the kind of luxury that only the very wealthy can afford. We'd find some way to stand in for one another so we can both do the things we enjoy without children (mine being piano lessons and classical concerts; his being films).

And, yes, Pizza Express with the children is our idea of a night out!
We all hugely enjoy it, too.

Of course some activities aren't suitable for children of any age - but in our book, that just means not doing those things (well, not together at any rate) until they're that bit older.

As I've said elsewhere, my husband and I spend 24 hours per day together (including supper without the children every night), so maybe one difference is that we don't feel the need to snatch "quality time" together?

[AMT]

For us, it wouldn't be the "hour to myself" that would suggest the plot-losing, it would be the paying a sitter instead of finding time at the weekend when my husband could take the kids.

Not everything can be worked in like that - drs appts are tricky - but a lot can.

[j]

Let's distinguish.

Paying for childcare during the day so you can go to Pliates, hmm, sounds pretty much a luxury to me. Fun to fantasise, but I wouldnt do it very often.

Going out in the evening- doesnt it depend on what you enjoy doing? if BoB has interests that her children can share, great. If her main pleasure were theatre, long classical concerts or boring grownup meals with haute cuisine, I expect she would have left her children happily asleep with someone she trusted and gone out?

I do know someone whose wife has a phobia of leaving her children and they havent been out alone for four years. It is a real problem, not funny at all for either of them I dont think.

[Gipsy]

mmmm KK my choices are probably equally as influenced by just having the one child.

[kk]

Six years without a child-free evening? I have a nanny, work part-time and still have a regular babysitter for the once a month or so that I venture out with my husband. I need it.
I'm genuinely surprised that there are people who have not been out without their children! I have three children and it would be an absolute nightmare having all three with us in that intimate little bistro...I suppose the alternative is a family social life spent in Pizza Express (or worse).
Of course life has changed dramatically with children and frankly changes dramatically with each successive child, but that does not mean that although rare, I don't appreciate a glimpse of calm, adult time.

[Sarah]

" I have to say that if I hired a babysitter by any means so that I could go to Pilates, my husband would think I'd lost the plot."

I mean this as a genuine question, not a criticism of you or your husband - but why would he think that? I agree with you that it's unrealistic to expect children not to change your life dramatically, but surely that doesn't mean you can't spend a bit of time doing things you enjoy - without the children if it's an activity where it wouldn't be practical to take them along.
Obviously if you personally have no wish to do Pilates (it certainly doesn't appeal to me!) or any such activity then it's not an issue. But it seems odd to me that your partner would accuse you of having 'lost the plot' simply because you wanted an hour to yourself now and then.

[Sarah]

" I have to say that if I hired a babysitter by any means so that I could go to Pilates, my husband would think I'd lost the plot."

I mean this as a genuine question, not a criticism of you or your husband - but why would he think that? I agree with you that it's unrealistic to expect children not to change your life dramatically, but surely that doesn't mean you can't spend a bit of time doing things you enjoy - without the children if it's an activity where it wouldn't be practical to take them along.
Obviously if you personally have no wish to do Pilates (it certainly doesn't appeal to me!) or any such activity then it's not an issue. But it seems odd to me that your partner would accuse you of having 'lost the plot' simply because you wanted an hour to yourself now and then.

[Mary]

Thanks for the recommendation - they sound useful for the times when one doesn't have a handy person already available.
I'm a little surprised by some of the comments here as I can't see anything wrong with booking a babysitter in order to go to pilates, booking online or having a nanny and still using a babysitter occasionally. As for taking the children everywhere, well I've got more than one which may colour my view but there are some places and times that just aren't suitable.

[Gipsy]

BoB - I too find it nuts that people expect life not to change with kids. Children change everything, and I love every second of that. Maybe it is different for me having spent so long trying in the first place. There aren't any 'adult' places in our house, just family. So the lounge is just as full of toy boxes as it is my husband's CDs.

But I don't think that is what Jennifer is alluding to here.

I can understand that a little bit of time to do the things you want to do can help keep your mind sane. And I have to admit that there have been times when someone has asked me if I'd like them to babysit and I've been sorely tempted to say, yes please, can you come around for a few hours so I can go back to bed/have a shower without an audience/sit outside in the sunshine and read uninterrupted for a while.

[sara reid]

We have family 400 miles away and Sitters have been invaluable for nights out where it's better to have junior fast asleep rather than with us. It's down to personal choice and it doesn't work for everyone. I personally can't fault the calibre of babysitters we have been assigned. The internet is simply a tool to access the info, a digital community if you like.

[Baggofbones]

Doesn't JH have a nanny? If so, does someone with a nanny really need a babysitter, too? I know babysitters do evenings (or, at least, that's what I'm told - in six years, we have never hired one, and we don't have family nearby either - we just don't go out sans enfants). I have to say that if I hired a babysitter by any means so that I could go to Pilates, my husband would think I'd lost the plot.

This is not a personal attack on JH (or anyone else), I should stress - just a matter of interest. It seems to me as if some people - again, not personal - just want to carry on their pre-children lives post-children...

(And the idea that you'd find someone online to look after your children seems frankly dippy).

[Sarah Hague]

My family are 1000miles away, so I get the 17yr old boy 4 houses away to come and sit with my boys (11,7).

I've never needed to resort to looking online for a babysitter. I've asked for recommendations among my friends and found alternative sitters that way.

[Gipsy]

>>Besides, doesn't it make more sense to hire someone who qualifies for the job rather than someone who qualifies as a relative?

It seems a little bit unnecessary to belittle the value of relatives in that way. Relatives will always be my first port of call. I want my child to have as close a relationship with the few relatives that he has in this country as possible. Babysitting and sleepovers is a great way of ensuring that he does have a relationship beyond seeing his uncle or aunt sipping coffee or drinking a beer with mum and dad.

However, the first port of call is not always going to be available, so in that case I don't see anything wrong with getting a properly qualified sitter. The staff at my son's nursery do this, and I'd probably hire one of them as I know that they already have a relationship with my son (and I know that he likes them), plus I know them as people.

That said I can count on one hand the number of times this year we've needed a babysitter. Most of the time, we go places, son comes too.