The Alpha Mummy Sex and Parenthood Survey

Comments

[Bob]

That's an interesting coincidence, I hate niggAz myself.

[joe]

I hate ethnic minorities.

[Jennifer]

Hi all,

There's a post on the other thread that should answer everyone's questions about postcode, privacy and everything survey.

http://timesonline.typepad.com/alphamummy/2008/05/want-to-comment.html?cid=116087010#comment-116087010

Jen

[J]

On Ts And Cs, there is a different between those hidden in small print and those which are brought to your notice. Let's not even think about having to tick the "I have read your T&C" box each time we post, but there is such a thing as "reasonable notice" of terms between professionals on the one hand and members of the lay public on the other.

[J]

Caitlin, thanks.

I'd like to be told if our material will be used in *any* publication, not just the Times. I think an email to the individual asking permission for a quote beforehand would be reasonable.

I enjoy contributing to this blog, but I dont want to be farmed.

[Lazy Mummy]

And Caitlin? You could always, like, pretend you were, like, talking like a Californian? Y'know? They do the same thing? and they'd be all, like, "whatever" if you made jokes about it?

[Lazy Mummy]

I suspect that if we all go & read the fine print somewhere on Times Blogs there is a user agreement that by posting here, we've already officially accepted, and that this fine print describes how timesonline & its subsidiary sites can use our personally identifiable information; also (most likely) that the comments we post are property of timesonline, not ourselves.

At least, that's how most websites word it and actually I'd be surprised if CM, JH et al don't already know that (I'd expect them to have been forced to read the T&Cs by their legal team when they set up the blog, but maybe timesonline is more like a start-up than one would expect).

Personally, I don't want to see a formal code of conduct for the blog - I think that would be more restricting & like the "reasonable use/comments" approach that seems to have developed. However, I do think it's fair of Jennifer to explain her motivation for the survey. After all, a blog like this, which consists mostly (like 99.9%) of comments by intelligent astute professional women is a great & easy source of anecdotal research for a journalist. Not that that's a bad thing for her, but I can see how it would smart for some people if they felt their comments were being used as some sort of "rent-a-quote".

[Kieransmum]

You'll be lynched if you hang round here pretending to be Australian, Caitlin. Have you never noticed how many New Zealanders and linked-to-NZ comment on this site?

We should rename it Elfememmy.

[Caitlin MOran]

Hey ladies, dunno why no-one else is answering your queries - can only presume "the guys" are maybe doing half term or something. I'll send an email to them and get back to you? And use a question mark at the end of my sentence, like I'm Australian?

[Baggofbones]

"I think it is time for an alpha mummy code of conduct on what the editors can do with our posts without prior consent and/or notification".

J - I think this is a v good point, and one I wholly support!

How about it, Timesfolk??

[Rachel]

did you not read the google terms and conditions?

[kk]

Whoops. Just realised I put in my whole postcode. How dozy is that. Now my neighbours may get to know about my sex life. Or worse still - my husband.
Seriously though - I agree the point about the use of information/privacy etc. Entire anonymity I hope.

[Kieransmum]

I'm not trying to be arsy for the sake of it, but I totally agree with J on this one.
It is a mammoth favour you're asking: I'm sure you'll get lots of data without us responding, so you don't "need" us, but it is a question of professional courtesy, surely?

[margot]

Jennifer - I agree with J. An answer would be nice.

[j]

Jennifer, this was a serious question and I would like the courtesy of an answer please. What are/were you going to do with this?

And if you were indeed going to puiblish it without our permission, then I think it is time for an alpha mummy code of conduct on what the editors can do with our posts without prior consent and/or notification.

PLease answer the question, Jennifer.

[Kieransmum]

Oh - and Alex, remember that whilst that is true you would need to have access to the Times computer records to find out where I am through the internet, which is going to be very few people. Whereas all you would need for this is the results of the survey, likely to be distributed more widely.
I'm not seriously suggesting there are many statisticians out there interested in finding out how many times a night I bump on my marital bed, but I do think there is a potential compromise of privacy there and we haven't been told who the data will be made accessible to.

[Kieransmum]

Yes, absolutely true Alex, but remember that I have been careful to write nothing that could be embarrassing...well, not TOO embarrassing...

[margot]

"our attitude towards sex defines the way that you actually live your life. The freedom to express your desires, openly and without fear, is very powerfull, and can have major impacts on your relationships, career and even future goals."

You see, sextherapist, I think this is a load of old tosh. I no more am defined as a person by my attitude to sex than I am by the job I do, or the colour of my hair. Sex is just one small part of life, yet it has been elevated to some sort of magical status in our culture, in a way that I really abhor. The constant emphasis on the importance of sexual activity leaves people feeling abnormal, dissatisfied and insecure. I think it is damaging to young people, who cannot just develop and live in their own way, but feel the pressure to 'perform'. I think it's damaging to marriages, where there is pressure to be at it like rabbits no matter what the circumstances. No one wants to go back to dark days of ignorance and fear, but I think the pendulum of popular culture has swung far too far in the opposite direction.

God, I sound like Mary Whitehouse! Sorry!

[Ian]

Why is it that when sex is debated in the public domain, and women express themselves as sexually liberated, free, expressive individual, it is seen as "socially positive and empowering for women". Where as if heterosexual men attempt to engage in some serious debate about this, it is "a socially negative" and the men are seen as predatory or perverted sex pests. Can someone please enlighten me?

[sex therapist]

Sex is such an emotive topic, being asked about something personal will trigger some very strong reactions with some people. your attitude towards sex defines the way that you actually live your life. The freedom to express your desires, openly and without fear, is very powerfull, and can have major impacts on your relationships, career and even future goals.
Imagine your wildest fantasy, would you not like this to be fulfilled in your lifetime? so, what is stopping you, what are the fears. fears or intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, body issues? if you work through these, you will find your life starts to flow in so many ways. Do not settle for a shadow of your life, except only the real thing.

[margot]

"why is everyone so frightened of speaking about their sex lives"

I don't think it's necessarily that people are 'frightened', just that I think many of us here feel that this kind of tabloid crap is utterly irrelevant to any intelligent debate about women's lives, and, in that immortal American phrase, Too Much Information. Just ask any normal person if they winced at the detail in Cherie Blair's autobiography.

[Kendra]

why is everyone so frightened of speaking about their sex lives. I hardly think your neighbors care enough about what you are doing to look it up with your postcode etc. and it can be helpful in dissapating all these idealistic sex life dramas. especially for our youngsters.

[Alex]

Kieransmum, I assure you that there are better ways to identify you then using your postcode and information about your children(s). E.g. with every post you wrote here you've left your unique IP address of your computer which can be easily translated into your home address :) So - it's good that you are careful but also consider that there is no anonymity on the Internet...
Cheers :)

[tooyoung]

Why are we so interested in other people's sex life? And why are frequency and length of time spent always the focus?

I think we apply captalist values to the weirdest things in the UK - hence the helicopter parenting and this obsession with measuring every aspect of our lives against everyone else.

[Nonplussed]

so sad

[Peter O]

i have not had quality sex since my honeymoon. i think it's time to put some petrol in my car and go curb crawling or find my nearest cat house........sad i know but it's the truth..........

[Kieransmum]

Yes, Jennifer, is this for a Times article?

It feels a little bit like being exploited if you want us to share our sexual secrets and postcode without telling us what the information will be used for.

There are only about three families with kids on our streets. It would be very easy indeed to identify me from the information you are asking us to give. So, joking aside, sorry, no.

Can you possibly redo the survey without the postcode?

[j]

Wendy, except us old lags are all too used to seeing our comments appear in the next weeks edition of the Sunday Times as part of an article... Give Jennifer, are you intending to publish the results of this?

[Wendy V]

Presumably you don't have to fill in the whole postcode. If it's to see whether there's any difference between north and south or whatever, then just the first bit would do.

I've no objections to the survey. It's anonymous, and there's no compulsion to fill it in.

[j]

Jennifer, what are you going to do with this information?

I think you have gone too far, to be honest.

[mumoftwo]

No intention of adding my postcode although what anyone would actually do with the very boring details I was about to enter in the survey, I have no idea. Shock- having children mucks up your sex life, but better than no sex life at all!

[Jane2]

See front page news today about Gov keeping records of all emails, texts and phone calls for 12 months. "Big Brother database Plan".
I am seriously considering the advisability of no longer posting anything on the internet.
May go back to oldfashioned pen and paper.

[Lazy Mummy]

SM, is that you suffering cookie-eating anonymity there? Agree about postcodes. US zip codes are different as they cover thousands of households, but postcodes are very specific to only a few houses.

Either that or we should all get the pc for the Blairs' new residence or Buck House or something and use that to ruin the survey data...

I think we need to know who "sex" is defined (even Clinton grappled with the definition). Presumably sex with a partner?

In general in all surveys it is found that married couple have more sex than people who are single so those who complain about lack of sex in marriage are just doing a grass is always greener scenario.

ps... should not ask for the post code as need to tell people how their personal data will be used if you gather it otherwise breach the law. Get the Times' lawyers views on that bit. I think I'm right as you can buy CDs of post codes - when we ring up clothing companies and they say - what's your post codes, then they key that in and it identifies you so therefore the post code is in fact your personal data.

[Lazy Mummy]

J, I was going to suggest something similar! I have visions of Monty Python skits when I think about filling out the "comments" field.

[J]

lets all post saying we have 22 children and have sex like rabbits.

[Kieransmum]

I know BOB. I thought I'd wandered into the Cosmo website by mistake.

[Baggofbones]

Are these Times people serious?!

[Kieransmum]

All right, I'll confess, I haven't taken part because my sex life is too wild and frequent to allow me anywhere near the Internet....

[margot]

I'm not saying whether I took part or not!

[Kieransmum]

I'm not taking part unless we're paid a large participation fee...:-)