Another way to spend money at school

An Alpha Mummy reader (who prefers to remain anonymous) writes in about a problem fast approaching parents of school-going children:

When choosing a school for my child I deliberately chose what I thought was a good down-to-earth fee-paying school. What I didn't factor in though was the other parents' obsession with end-of-term collections.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against buying teachers a small token of appreciation at the end of term. Many of my friends whom are teachers are very happy with the presents they receive from their class - particularly the small home-made or quirky gifts which the child has had a hand in making or choosing. 

But our collections are for "a recommended £25 per family" to be paid to the class rep and duly ticked off on a register of names twice a year. Now I can understand that some teachers might baulk at the idea of 20 or 30 bottles of Piat d'Or or gift-sized Galaxy chocolate bars, but do they really expect hundreds of pounds worth of Habitat vouchers each year from children?

A straw poll of friends with children at fee-paying schools shows this isn't the norm. So have I fallen in with a nouveau riche set? or am I just being tight? And what do you think I should do? Shut up and pay up? Make a stand and donate less than the recommended amount? or quietly drop out and buy, or better still make, something more personal from my child?

Comments

[Blogbored]

I guess you have to be a parent to have long extended discussions about this and actually find it stimulating or interesting. Can't you just make up your own mind that this is excessive and carry on with your own suggestion of a small personal gift?

[claire]

a group of mums at our school (a few ex teachers amoungst them) thought our amazing class teacher might like a gift voucher rather than 30 boxes of m&s chocs or bottles of cheap wine - so they organised a whip round - no set amount no rules everyone just gave what they could afford and most of the kids gave her a card they'd made. The teacher was thrilled and all the parents semed happy. you mightn't like it but that doesn't make it wrong

[Bill]

this is odd to say the least. why should teachers expect to receive a "tip" from parents? they are employed and paid a salary for that job that should suffice as it does for other professionls - or do we now have to buy gp's dentists traffc warden etc etc a yearly prezzie?. If so i do hope they are declaring these gifts as a benifit in kind to the Inland Revenue.

[Sue]

I do think the general rule with these kinds of pressies is to keep them 'basic' and preferably, exchangable or passable-onnable! Not cash, no, but maybe book tokens, gardening tokens, that sort of thing, or else wine etc - at the very least the recipient can pass the bottles on around their family and friends!

I do hate all these damn presents like vases and speciality plates and all that ornamental stuff. Most people have what they want already, and would far prefer to go and buy anything themselves on their own taste, not a collective class-mum taste (or worse, the taste of the 'boss mum'!)

As for the children's personalised pressy, make them disposable! Although I agonise over getting rid of adorably bad artwork and craftwork - how CAN I put it on the bonfire, when little Johnny spent all art period making it for me ten years ago????! I just can't do it!

[Annabel]

£25 each? What are they buying? My husband's suggested that the class rep may be taking a cut!

At my son's private school I think that sort of request would be considered tacky at best (I doubt the teachers would mind though!) Even if a teacher leaves £5 to £10 is the usual ballpark. At the end of term there are a few flowers/bottles of wine and maybe a few more personal gifts at the end of year (which reminds me, that's next week.....!). A cash donation would never be expected. Definately not normal.

[A. Tatchell]

I think giving £25 or whatever amount at he end of the school year is a bit excessive. I think the teachers appreciate it more if they are given a token gift that your child has made himself. That way, the child gets a lot of satisfaction from having made something by himself and for the teacher, something made by the child must surely be more memorable than day in a spa? Besides, not all parents who send their children to private schools have a bottomless bucket of money to dip into. We all have to work hard for every penny we spend.

[A. Tatchell]

I think giving £25 or whatever amount at he end of the school year is a bit excessive. I think the teachers appreciate it more if they are given a token gift that your child has made himself. That way, the child gets a lot of satisfaction from having made something by himself and for the teacher, something made by the child must surely be more memorable than day in a spa? Besides, not all parents who send their children to private schools have a bottomless bucket of money to dip into. We all have to work hard for every penny we spend.

My daughter goes to private primary school. We are not in the UK at the moment. In her school we are expected to donate similar amounts to local good causes, through the school.

[Mrs Knievel]

I write a detailed personal thank you letter to each child's form teacher at the end of the school year (other than on a couple of occasions where I felt that it wasn't warranted). When my eldest reached the end of year 6 he thought about the members of staff (not all teachers) that he felt had really made a difference during his time at the school, wrote them each a message and we attached them to some good bottles of wine for him to give out. Other families I know give plants the children have grown that can be planted out into the recipient's garden.

[Deb]

Wow! My children have been in the private sector for 10 years in a fairly well-to-do area and I would say £25 is not only over-the-top but a bit crass - sounds like the class rep has issues. But that aside, I've found the best way to deal with class reps with their own agendas is to explain politely that you/your child have decided that we would like to do something directly for the teacher. I also find this preferable because involving your child in the decision to thank their teacher makes it all the more personal and heartfelt. BTW - I have a friend who is a teacher and she has a wonderful arts-and-crafts gift given to her many years ago by one the six year olds she taught hanging on her wall - it obviously means a lot to her.

[Pat]

IMO part of the reason to give teachers gifts is to encourage your children to say thank-you to good teachers. The children usually love getting involved and a contribution isn't the same at all.
I have a policy of letting the child decide who they want to give presents to and if I end up getting presents for several teachers, TA's, dinner ladies etc because they had that many members of staff they wanted to show appreciation to great (but the presents got smaller ;-)
However I am appalled at the teacher who got each child to say what they gave !! If a family can't afford to give a gift or the parents didn't think of it neither the child nor the parents should be embarassed like that.

[Sue]

IK - yes, definitely seems odd to me, and I'm quite unconvinced that so many children in one 'space' is a good idea, however many assistants there are. Too much noise, surely,for a start, and children too aware of 'something else going on across the room' etc. No quite concentration possible, surely?

And it seems very odd that parents buy into that (literally!) since the overwhelming 'credo' of forking out for private education is to ensure small class sizes, however much education gurus claim it doesn't matter!! Sixteen per class sounds loads, loads better.

[M]

Haha, one child's class rep (and the rest of us) sent a fairly unremarkable teacher to a health spa, which enraged me and the other child's school staff look forward, more than anything else, to home-made fudge made by one particular mother.
It is good to be able to give something to someone who really is special, but I feel it is more important to tell people how much they are appreciated than to throw money at them.

[IK]

well, it is not a special needs school, but at nursery level they have 45 children which are then separated into classes of 20 at reception level. At present there are 2/3 teachers and a few more assistants.

To tell you the truth it really does not work as the children took ages to settle (and my daughter is quite confident) and the private school advantage of pupil/staff ratio is gone. I guess it is the school's idea of guaranteeing an intake that creates 3 classes at 4+. A detail we totally misunderstood when we went for the open day/induction/school tour and that amazes everyone that I mention it to. Having 45 children of between 3 and 4 years old in the same (albeit large) room is not appropriate. Imagine having to move to a new school/rules/routine and then learn 45+6 names!!! Would take me forever.

I do feel guilty that we put her through this at a young age but the teachers kept dismissing us with 'it works'....

Especially at 3+ when children need more attention it seems like the wrong thing to do. Still, she is moving to another school with a class of 16 in December!

[beta mum]

I think a home-made card from the child, if the child likes the teacher enough to make one, is enough.
Otherwise nothing.
But my children go to a State school, and I think teachers are paid fairly well and that should suffice.

My stepfather is a head teacher and gets bottles upon bottles of wine and whisky every year.
He struggles to find people to give them to - I often benefit.

[Frog in the Field]

I always send beautiful fragranced roses from the garden, that smell is priceless.
There are no collections, I think that's very strange.

[Sue]

I'm struck by IK's child being in a private school with a class of 45 and a lot of teaching assistants! I've never come across such a learning model before. Do tell more about how it works? Is it a specialist school of some kind? Or perhaps a very small school with children of multiple ages per class? I'm really quite intrigued. Thanks. Sue.

[Jean Jones]

My disabled son, who is the only one still at school, goes to a special school where there are a LOT of staff, because the kids need a very high staff-pupil ratio. t would be ruinous to give them all presents at the end of every term, and when there are only 8 kids to a class collaborating doesn't improve matters much. So what i do is sidestep the whole issue by sending in a big cake or something for the whole class and staff to share in the last week of term. At Christmas it was decorate-them-yourself gingerbread men, which had the added bonus of giving the staff half an hour's peace...Anyway it works for us.

[Nikki]

I think it's outrageous- private or state. It's supposed to be a token gesture if willed, not a mandate set out to embarrass those who can't/won't comply.

[KM]

On the other hand, how much do you and your husband earn, and compare that to the teacher's salary?

[IK]

my daughter goes to a private school and we are being asked for £10-£15 per child. But she is in a class of 45 and there are 5/6 teachers/assistants. This means £100 per teacher...!!

[Yank]

WOW! I'm shocked by the costs you're expected to put towards a gift. I would politely explain that you have already purchased a gift for the teacher - one which your child selected so will not be contributing.
I do remember giving my teachers a gift at the end of the year - perhaps a nice candle or bottle of hand lotion - but like the other Americans commented, nothing more than $15.

[Debbie]

Here here to not going with the herd mentality and doing your own thing. Especially with the massive whole class parties or expensive gifts etc. My girls are at a private school in Darwin and due to the fact that it is the best school here (the choice is limited) the mega rich all send their kids here as well as us ordinary souls who just want a good education for our kids and can just about afford the fees. I find I just have to do what I can do - try and contribute my time, rather than my money wherever possible and that often seems more valued by the staff and teachers. Even though I work, I still try and do as much as I can as I certainly can't afford the vast sums of money that other parents donate to the school.

At our parents school ball last week we had an auction of donated items. I was astounded at the sums of money some parents donated - $9000 for a signed Don Bradman picture! Way to rich for my blood, so I just do my thing and let them do theirs - they can afford it, I can't.

Don't let peer pressure get you down, and its a good example to the kids to do what they think is right, rather than what they feel obliged to do.

[DELILAH]

In my US state school school system, primary school teachers always get given gifts. It's a lot easier if the "room parent" organises one - $5 to $10 a head - but if s/he doesn't then I usually send in a card with a gift token inside ($10 to $15 depending on resources at the time). Some parents send in pot plants too, which is nice for summer. Coming from Britain, it felt horribly inappropriate at first - like bribery - but now it would seem horribly ungrateful not to acknowledge the fact that most teachers do far more than their contract requires. Once I cottoned on that the gift is actually from the parents, not the kids (they do handmade cards etc) it made sense; and I think the kids learn a positive message about the education contract by carrying in a grateful gift from their parents. After all, they have to endure your limb of satan for 200 days of the year. On the recommendation of teacher friends, I've done $10-$15 gift tokens for Starbucks, bookstores or craft stores (American teachers own or supply quite a lot of their own teaching aids, so cards for book, craft or schools stores are very gratefully received; and I expect even a British teacher would find use for a whsmith card.) Class presents often end up as a voucher for a meal at a nice restaurant.

The teachers often send small gifts back to the parents who have volunteered to help as classroom aides and so on - which is nice too, if also unecessary.

It's a bit different if you're paying the teacher through the nose; but even so, my daughter brought some Starbucks muffins and drinks to share with her after-school tutor during the last session of the year.

[Sally Says]

When I was 8-years-old my teacher told the class that she accidently spilled water on her holiday gifts. Everyone had to stand up and say what they gave her so she could write it down. I think she was actually trying to embarrass the children who didn't give her anything.

£25 is unreasonable for a single gift for just one teacher. In my experience here, mothers in the earlier grades always ask for much more money than those in the later grades. A good class rep should follow the wishes of the entire class, not dictate what the rest of the parents should do. We have a parent coffee at the beginning of each school year to sort out class parties, how much we need for the class fund & how it should be used.

Up until now, I always regarded the 'class gift' as a well meaning community effort. I'm horrified to think it could actually be construed as a tip. Of course, my kids don't even know anything about the collection. They like to decorate a small box and fill it with sweets at Christmas time, at the end of the year they'll make posies out of flowers from the garden or just write a note. Disposable stuff. Maybe next year that's all we should do....maybe.