Is there a "best bit" of childhood?

I'll level with you - I reckon I'm in the middle of it now. The kids are 4 and 7. To me, 4 and 7 breaks down like this: they can go to the toilet on their own, and amuse themselves with Doctor Who figurines whilst I get the tea on - yet they still like to snuggle, and hunt for treasure, and they believe that I can call Father Christmas and dob them in if they don't eat their cabbage. I'm neither fretting about Cot Death Syndrome and constipation, nor teenage pregnancy and heroin. These are, surely, the golden years.
I didn't enjoy the baby years, or the toddler years. I can remember many, many nights of three-hour-long bedtimes, and sitting, stock still in the dark, stroking a restless child, and thinking, "I'm really not enjoying this. How did my mother have eight? She's demented."
Essentially, they couldn't really talk, or enjoy classic musicals, or walk for more than 50 yards without "resting" - all deeply vexatious character traits that I could only forgive by pretending to eat their fat thighs, and sniffing the area behind their ears that seems to have a particular magical, soothing quality.
Equally, though, I'm not looking forward to the teenage years. I've seen the same look on the faces of parents with teenagers that I pull when newly pregnant couples go, "We're expecting our first child! We reckon people over-state how difficult it is!" I have some vague plan to "take them to Bangladesh" when they get to 14ish - show them poverty and community and very cheap ethnic accessories, and hope that it gives them some perspective, and stops them from saying "Yeah - WOTEVAH" and wearing slaggy skirts. But I suspect it won't work.
So for now, I'm just enjoying the Glory Years.

Comments

[jackal]

Mine are aged 3 (nearly 4) and 6 and I have to agree it's getting better. I feel like I am walking out of the slightly scary tunnel of baby/toddler world and can talk and enjoy their company and comfort them and understand them. The pressures of working and all the school/pre-school extras (spellings to learn, four books to read, topics to help with, projects to organise, PTA duties you HAVE to be seen to be doing for school etc.) do get me down sometimes ... I feels like the proverbial camel with the final straw when another form comes home in the school bag and i have schedule it in ...! sounds pathetic but i do get overwhelmed by all the commitments i have to make. DH seems to avoid most school/child activities. But on the whole, am enjoying life a LOT more. Don't want these magical days of fairies and kisses and fun to end too quickly!

[Gipsy]

Sho, that's a great story and just the sort of thing that those with young kids need to hear. It is lovely to know there's such good stuff to look forward to :)

[KM]

That's a beautiful story, Sho.

[Sho]

I'm not at all experienced with children and until I got the tremendous urge to have one of my own when I was 32, I had never even held a real live baby on my own (those posed photos of the 3-year old me and my newborn brother don't count - because my dad was really holding him, apparently)

When #1 was a baby, everything was a blur. When #2 was a baby everything was blurred by awful post-natal depression which lasted a very long time.

And I have genuinely had days where I have wished fervently that I had made a different decision and not told my delighted husband that I had changed my mind on the no offspring policy.

But as they get bigger and are becoming more like proper people with ideas and desires and wishes (beyond the next shiny, pink, fluffy must-have Barbie accessory) I'm much more able to actually be with them (of my own free will rather than a sense that I really must be making lego castles) and enjoy the experience.

Now when I get home I'm not the one collecting them from the childminder, because their dad does that, and because they are older they aren't kicking him and being grumpy. In fact, when I get home now they greet me with a cup of tea and ask me about their day. (he's ben prompting them, I know, but it's still nice)

Bed-time is later, so we're more relaxed in the evening rather than running around checking homework, making project things and finding sports kit that is, in fact, still in the sports bag. At school. Covered in mud.

Finally, I think, I'm just about to get a handle on being a mother... and they're going to hit puberty. Right on time for me to hit the menopause. I look forward to a lot of shouting and sulking. They will probably behave themselves.
;-)

[Pat]

What is the best age ? so far each age my kids have got to has felt like the best age. However I think it's any age up to when they feel they're too old to cuddle you and tell you you're the best. Sadly mine are now too old for a hug and kiss in front of their friends so that day is getting closer :-( Although I'm hoping they keep getting me a hug and a kiss always, I know as teenagers even if they are not vile, they need to separate from parents more.

[Lazy Mummy]

Right now, TV is my new best friend. "Darling, of course you can watch TV tonight, but only if you do all your pees and poos in the loo".

Who said it doesn't have social benefits?

[j]

heh heh M so true there is nothing hyper stimulating on telly ever, I wish...

[Kieransmum]

Oh, thank goodness, i thought someone had finally come up with some hard evidence proving telly rots children's brains...

sounds like soft wishy-washy social science thinking to me, what's she doing talking like that? Thought she was a "proper" scientist.

[M]

Yes, she says the internet makes people lose their identity and ability to relate to each other. I think Alpha Mummy itself proves her wrong. TV hyper stimulating, not the dirge I switch off!

[j]

switch it back on, KM, her book (ID: The Quest For Identity in the 21st Century),has been criticised by quite a few scientific reviewers.

She says we are losing to ability to form normal empathetic relationships as our childhood is mediated via on-line games and other forms of virtual reality which teach children that they can splat aliens with no consequences. According to one review I saw they are damaged by "the hyper-stimulation of the cyber world, where brands are the currency of love and identity, where what you look like and what you own is more important than what you are. In this world, actions - even extremely violent ones - have no real consequences."

Doesnt seem all that different from Tom and Jerry to me, but what do I know?

She says also that adult sites like alpha mummy are similar: " "Even the nature of friendship is changing with social networking sites. Friendship used to come from spending time with people and sharing experiences, not an instant answer from someone online sending you love."

She stresses that she is not necessarily saying this is wrong, just different."

I would give a proper reference to the publication, but its the local rag.

[Kieransmum]

What does Susan Greenfield say about telly and brain development, J? (Guiltily switches off telly)

[Gipsy]

I so so so disagree. The most painful toy to step on, without a doubt, is definitely those little lego bricks when they've turned on their side. I have the scars.

My son has a huge love of buildings of any kind - dolls houses, multi-story garages, castles etc. He has a little portable pop-up farm from Matchbox, given by my sister at Christmas, which has been a huge hit. The whole thing folds down into its own small carry case too.

Step son was lego mad, step daughter too but her preference was Kynex. We must have spent a fortune on those. Son also loves lego, and building bricks of any kind. He has three different sets now (the large duplo bricks, lego bricks and a tub of these bricks like lego but not, which are designed to be bendy too - they're from the US).

[Jean Jones]

Oh, Lego. Lego is wholesome. I'm thinking of My Little Pony, Barbie and all her works and that sort of thing. The two worst toys that ever entered our house were Sindy's Cosmetics Counter or something like that - where your daughter was invited to consider being one of those over-made-up dollies on Clinique counters and the like in House of Fraser as being a desirable career; it was made of garish pink plastic and had, I am not kidding, something like 200 components. It took about 2 hours to assemble and she played with it once. And the other was a cheap army set in muddy green plastic that my son bought. It had about 50 little soldiers and they ended up everywhere and really hurt when you stood on them with bare feet. I think there are still a few lurking in the house and son is 20. As to them not playing when they get to 10 - I didn't find this at all. It's just that they stopped playing with TOYS as such.

[Wendy V]

My 6-year old's pretty robust, but he found the nightmares and skeletons in last Saturday's Dr Who too much.

Gipsy, re stopping playing: I'd been thinking of my daughters, but your memory of disappointing your younger sister reminded me of the same transition happening to me. A real self-awareness as I realised that I just didn't feel like playing any more. I think I was about 10.

Bonus of daughters at uni is that they bring their boyfriends to stay in the holidays, who have no trouble at all re-engaging with childhood pursuits and helping my 6-year old build fantastic Lego creations.

Jean, I won't mourn the passing of the actual lurid plastic toys in the aesthetic sense. My sitting room is pretty much lined with boxes of Lego. I could build an annexe from it.

[Lazy Mummy]

Ha! So obviously we were terrible teenagers for my Dad to say the glory years were younger than that! Well, I don't think we'll let 3-yr-old watch Dr Who just yet. Heck, she can't even watch The Aristocats without asking us to fast-forward through the bike crash scene...

[j]

if we belive susan greefield then Dr Who and other telly and e- delights mean that all our kids are doomed. Dont see it myself, it has to be better than the acres of boredom that I remember from a 70s childhood (along with the good bits). (hello TSM, nice to see you)

I dont think that 4 year olds are predestined in some way, KM, never fear- just that the basic character shines through and a nice kid just gets nicer as it develops things like selfcontrol and compassion and awareness of others' needs.

[KM]

I am still too crap to watch Doctor Who!

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

When do you start Doctor Who? From birth.

[KM]

J, that was my experience as a child too. We went to Quaker Camp every year and the awful feral children turned into awful feral teenagers - whilst the nice ones stayed lovely. Had quite an impact on my parenting, because I could see the annual results of different strategies at close quarters!

But then I dread the fear that these things are set in stone so young! :-) You will have to come and inspect my eldest when he is 4 and tell me how he is shaping up!

[j]

I would go for the much maligned teen years myself. Your 16 year old becomes a friend and not a responsibility, and is able to cook for self and stressed mother, make genuinely unexpected and funny points, and make you think deliberately (as opposed to the "funny things children say" bit which is cute too).

I would guess your teens will be just fine, Caitlin. Looking at the kids I know, all the nice 4 year olds are now nice teens; the stroppy teens are not much different from their stroppy 4 year old selves, except they can buy ciggies with more credibility and success, obv.

[Jean Jones]

" The toys are suddenly abandoned. When is that? 10? 11?"

To me the absolute best thing about having older children is that you don't have to do Toys any more. I LOATHED toys once they got past the Fisher-Price/teddies stage - all that money on horrible, revolting things made out of horrible plastic that break instantly but their lives will be blighted if they don't have at least some of them. Then they gather dust forever in boxes under the bed. Uuurggh. It is so great these days never having to darken the doors of Toys r Us ever again.

[From Dawn Till Rusk]

My 5-year-old son ADORES Dr Who. Wants to look like him, have his hair like him, have shoes like him. He's not the slightest bit phased by the scary aspects of the show just asks me (who is also a fan) about 1 million questions throughout - and always just as the good Doctor is explaining the plot!

[Gipsy]

Wendy - for me I remember that as being aged 11-ish. Sometime before my 12th birthday. It was very sudden. Almost overnight it seems I just could no longer lose myself in the world of imaginative play. And I tried. One of my favourite games with my younger sister was playing sailing at sea, using the 'platform' that the washing line was on as the boat and the washing (sheet day of course) as the sails. We could play that for hours. And then one day, my sister begged and begged so I went out there to play but I just couldn't. It was suddenly intensely boring, and just did not interest me at all. I remember my younger sister being so upset with me.

[Kim]

I think with every stage you gain a little and lose a little. So at seven, you find you can have a proper conversation with them, but they no longer muddle up their tenses in that really cute way: "I throwed the ball" etc. You can play a game of Cluedo with them, but you can no longer scoop them up in your arms and whizz them around until they're dizzy. They sleep through the night but don't get into your bed first thing in the morning to give you a cuddle.

My daughter's nine now and I find her much easier than I used to, but there are definite signs of impending teenagedom (mind you, she's always had a fairly sassy, independent-minded sort of personality).

[M]

Wendy V, what a good point about play. There's no question it's earlier than it used to be. My husband very sweetly went to the teacher when our second child gave up playing, it happened so suddenly, he took it as a sign of some awful inner trauma. She just laughed and said it had to happen sooner or later and she was right, everything was fine.

[Sushi]

The ages 1 and 3 period is great, entertaining, challenging, and tiring. Sometimes you'd want to run away just for a little while, unless you really enjoy playing Doctors or Buses or responding at careful length to the question 'Why?', only to receive the response 'But Why?' I find it's a juggling act - trying to do the best for them but also trying to keep me sane, as a mother who has lost the plot is no good to them. I'm looking forward to the day when they'll play a bit more together and I'm off the hook, as I prefer staring into space to playing with toys.

[Wendy V]

I dreaded my daughters' teen years (remembering what a mood-queen I'd been myself) and yet we sailed through them harmoniously. As each birthday passed, I'd think, Huh? How did we get away with that? We all liked each other, and still do. Teenage estrangement is not inevitable.

I appreciate my son being 6: cuddly and loving, but can occupy himself for ages (with Lego mainly) and is increasingly independent.

From seeing my daughters grow up I remember there's a moment of poignancy when you realise your child no longer plays. The toys are suddenly abandoned. When is that? 10? 11?

[Gipsy]

So the best age is ... any age that your children are at :)

I do so agree M.

[M]

I used to think those were the glory days, children over nine seemed so odd, they have a sense of otherness by then, no more cute outbursts, fewer idiosyncrasies and more refined sense of self. It seemed like another world, like your work would be done, but now, I like than fact that they are evangelical about causes, self-sufficient, but loving and occasionally they needing me more than ever. I love the fact that they have well-formed opinions and share their off-colour jokes and are surprised that I get them. I remember when they thought I was really old and when pressed said I must be at least 13, but now their awareness is more developed and I love them so much for every thing that changes, rather than mourning the passing of old phases.

[Gipsy]

Son is three and we let him watch Dr Who. Well, it is either that or miss out the first showing ourselves as it would otherwise collide with bedtime. And frankly, it is the only TV I can be bothered with these days.

We also let him watch Primeval, well it was on so early, but had to stop that as it gave him far too many nightmares.

The funniest bit on Saturday was the fact that he wasn't too phased at all by Dr Who, but utterly terrified by an old episode of Top Gear - it had his two biggest fears combined, a man on a motorcycle in the dark.

I like those endless endless years between six and eleven that just seem to last forever but are also gone far too quickly. Those were my favourite years with the step kids.

We had few teenage problems. Neither wanted to smoke - they were both far too stingy with their money. Since it was their dad who dragged them out of school to go to rock concerts, there wasn't much to rebel about there either. And taking both on trips to the US and New Zealand in their early teens also seemed to help a lot. I believe that travel really does broaden the mind, or maybe it was just that it helped alleviate that awful, pressing, sense of there being lots of exciting stuff going on and they were missing out that I remember haunting me as a teen. And the worst part was, I never really knew what or where all this exciting stuff was or happening, so you end up smoking around the back the bike sheds and drinking really cheap wine as if somehow that will open the magical gateway to something-really-really-interesting.

[KM]

Absolutely. I could write an entire essay on the different ways in which you can make a three-year-old walk one mile to school without bribing them with chocolate.

And they say SAHMs are losing all their skills...:-)

Must go, baby eating his dirty nappy.

[Lazy Mummy]

Wow, two articles in succession by Caitlin, and over the weekend no less - that trip to Spain must have been worth it. :)

Haven't quite reached this age yet, but I have it on good authority (my Dad - and aren't Dads always good authorities?) that they are indeed the glory years (think he said "up to about 10"). But when in there do you start Dr Who?

And has anyone else parenting pre-schoolers noticed that they whine to be carried if you make them walk, but as soon as you turn it into a race, they forget they're tired and start tearing off in front of you?