How to use body language in the office

Sometimes at work we are our own worst enemies: We don't ask for big raises, we don't speak up in meetings and we flap around the office in a whirlwind of activity, trying to get everything done between morning drop-off and evening pick-up from nursery (or at least, I do).

A new Times video special on body language shows how to read colleagues and use your own body language to get ahead in the office. Julie Daniels, who produced the video, says this about the experience:

Next time you’re standing in a group chatting, look at the other people’s feet. If they’re pointing in your direction, you can be sure that it’s really you they’re giving their full attention to. If they’re aimed at the attractive blonde standing next to you, you’re in trouble.

The flirtatious behaviour of some women in the workplace can be seen as demeaning, and the videos have certainly made me think about how a woman’s body language can undermine her. But men are great preeners. Have a look at one of your colleagues next time he’s in conversation with a attractive woman. He may pull in his stomach, stand up straighter, adjust his tie - isn’t that flirting? The way men behave with each other is also very telling. Guys will puff out their chests, mirror the body language of the other man, try to outdo each other and show who’s boss.

If you want to find out what your colleagues are really saying: who’s lying, who’s flirting, and who’s powerplaying, check out our films. You can also pick up useful tips on interview techniques, how to give a good presentation and get the promotion you deserve.

Part 1: how to read your colleagues

Part 2: how to give an effective presentation

Part 3: find out who is in control

Part 4: do’s and don’ts at an interview

Part 5: how to negotiate a pay rise or promotion

Plus here's a great ad from Crunch gym about a different kind of body language in the office.

Crunch Fitness commercial - Head crusher - kewego
An office worker is hit in the back of the head by a co-worker. To take revenge, he crushes his head with his fingers. Crunch Fitness, you're stronger than you think !

Keywords: commercial ad health office head fitness worker crush body crunch

Video from ryudo

Comments

[KM]

Shaking the dust off of one's feet is an interesting Biblical reference. It refers of course to the disciples leaving a place where they had not enjoyed adequate hospitality. It was also something which the Roman envoys did symbolically as they left Constantinople, a sign of the great schism.

In other words, it isn't really compatible with being friendly or interested in reasoned debate.

[Sue]

I hope you're planning on sticking around

- No, that won't happen. I've been 'big' about this for my sake, so I can get personal closure while I deal with far more important things than petty bitching and self-righteousness, not for the sake of anyone here who was lashing into me (who haven't bothered to apologise back, I notice.)

Goodbye to all the nice people, especially those struggling with great difficulties in life. As for the others, well, that's your conscience, not mine.

Now, I'm out of this place, and shaking the dust of it from my feet.

[NAMY]

An interesting book is: "Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office - 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make."
Lots of things in there that on some level we know, but don't necessarily implement. I found it very useful. The best one was, "penny pinching company pennies" - women who try to save the company money by taking the train home after a business trip that returns home at midnight etc... It's my pet peeve.

[mumoftwo]

I think many women tend to put themselves down too much, as the original post illustrates (I read it thinking I speak loads in meetings, I don't run around like a blue-***** fly, I'm quite pro-active when negotiating my contract/pay...) However, many women are too self-effacing, I find lots of the women I work with are waiting to be proved to be a genius before speaking out, whereas this inhibition doesn't seem to affect the men...it's all about entitlement (as I think we've discussed before).

[Sarah]

I think it's correct to say that sometimes we (women) do ourselves no favours with our body language, tone of voice etc at work. But I'm not sure that trying to behave more like men is necessarily the answer, after all people tend to respond differently to the same behaviour in a man or a woman. What's seen as 'assertive' or 'leadership' in a man can be perceived as 'bossy' or 'bitchy' if a woman does it - and I'm afraid women can be prejudiced against each other in this way as well - 'who does she think she is' etc.

[Jennifer]

I love the tip of speaking in the first few minutes of a meeting. I'm thinking of joining Toastmasters to improve my speaking style, which currently is a bit squeaky and nasally.

[Gipsy]

wow Sho that is shocking. It just beggars belief that there are still places today where men feel it is OK to behave that way.

[Lucy]

First Timer - good tip, thanks. Sho - I don't think that's extreme, I think it's a good idea. Why make yourself into the automatic chore-person? And standing up to speak isn't rude to anyone after all, is it? Good tips both, and I will keep them in mind.

[J]

Interesting- your meetings are very different from mine.

There are some people who rarely speak, or who only speak once, but once they do, everyone listens, as what they say is always good. I go for that myself- I find it gets remembered much more that a series of more minor comments.

Agree on voice style though. I have a trained voice so I can make sure that everyone in the room can hear me without any effort, but without looking as if I am trying. you'd be surprised how much more convincing it makes you sounds.

[Sho]

Adding to the please pass the water thing - as a women surrounded by men in a meeting, I usually either look at the one nearest to the table where the coffee is, or wait for one to go over, and then ask them to bring me one too.

That way I have found that when the coffee runs out, they don't automatically expect me to get more (yes, sigh, I work for a foreign company and they think women are only there to bring coffee and biscuits)

I've also found, and this is something I hate doing, that to get them to listen to me when I talk, I have to stand up and walk to the front of the room - if necessary I stand in front of the screen that they are looking at. Speaking when sitting down is like not speaking at all.

It's quite extreme, but it works.

[First timer]

I think Gipsy's tips are very good. Another one which works well is to make sure that you say something - anything - in the opening minutes of the meeting, even if it's just 'please pass the water' or 'I agree'. That way it's easier to get your voice heard later on. I find that if you're silent until you've got a good point to make (which seems the more logical approach), people react with surprise as though the pot plant has just spoken.

[Lazy Mummy]

Sue -

I appreciate your apology to everyone; that other thread just got a bit out of control.

I hope you're planning on sticking around because I do enjoy discussing things with you!

[Lazy Mummy]

Lucy - it's probably a power thing; even gay men get that over women sometimes.

[Gipsy]

more generalisations ... don't be afraid to state the obvious. If something strikes you during a meeting, and you think it through then deduct that it will most likely already have been thought of but discounted for obvious reasons 1, 2 and 3, you may be inclined not to mention it. Mention it anyway - no-one is going to think you're stupid, and you'll give the boss or more senior folk in the meeting a chance to show off their 'superior' knowledge, and they'll think warmly towards you. Not for stoking their ego, but for providing them an opening in the meeting to do a bit of their own drum beating. I know it all sounds like a lot of posturing and to a certain extent it is. It is often valuable to think of men as chimps in many situations (insert smiley here!).

[Lucy]

Spoiler warning: Huge generalizations follow.

Not exactly body language, but I'd add to Gipsy's comments that in group situations women very often conscientiously enumerate the details of their argument ('I support x, because factors a,b and c can all be taken care of thus, issues d and e will be less of a problem due to the presence of f, etc., etc.). Men, on the other hand, often throw out a single statement, backed up with an assertion that their position is either obvious, correct, or both ('I support x. It's the best way).

In the one approach, you can lose your audience, and in the other, you can annoy the hell out of them without providing a lot of information!

--

I also noticed that my annoying boss at work, who tends to think he's right about everything, responds SO much better to me if I consciously shift my body language to 'deferential'. He's not attracted to women, so it's clearly not a sexual thing, btw.

[Gipsy]

SM - have you been on your hols?

Meetings are the one area where I find it hardest of all to crack the 'male' code. There was a comedy show, I can't remember which now, where there'd be a group of people in a meeting, the woman would say something and the men would carry on as if she hadn't made a noise, then one of the men would say exactly the same thing and be congratulated on a good idea.

Here's a few things I've learned.

- You see the solution to the problem straight away. As tempting as it is to voice it so that the meeting can be got over with quickly, don't. Apparantly there needs to be some sort of rambling time. You'll find that your solution will be dimmissed, they'll prattle on for a bit, then eventually reach the same solution but in a slightly round about way so that it looks like anyone's idea except yours.

- Don't self deprecate (is that the spelling?) as in, don't say anything like 'This is probably totally wrong, but what about ...'. Nothing that puts you down or your idea. Unless you're in a meeting of all women. The reason is that men actually take those statements at face value. If you say something is going to be rubbish, then whatever you say no matter how brilliant will be rubbish. Whereas women hear 'I'm about to say something utterly brilliant but I don't want anyone to think I'm being superior or big headed'.

- learn to project your voice. That's the art of speaking loudly without sounding like you're shouting. Men and women have different hearing ranges - we hear fewer deeper tones than men, they hear fewer higher tones than we do (or something like that, I've forgotten the actual science). I was given this as a tip and it has proven true. On many an occaision when I've not done this it is as if I've not spoken at all - no-one has actually heard my voice. And once that happens in the meeting, it is really hard to get your assertion back.

[Gipsy]

Apology accepted Sue. Take care of yourself and your loved ones too xx

[Lucy]

Thanks Sue, that's very kind. You take care too.

[First timer]

I agree that 'straight back' is good when you're at your desk (makes you look alert, much better than a slouch), but sometimes the opposite seems to be true in meetings. I've noticed that the more senior the men are, the more horizontal the position they adopt - not sure whether this is saying 'I'm so important, look how much room I can take up' or 'I'm so important, I can be completely relaxed - literally 'laid back' - and still be the centre of attention in this meeting'. I have thought about mirroring this body language but frankly find it a bit ridiculous.

[supermother]

I watch a lot of women in work situations. Some touch their hair a lot which isn't a very good signal. Sometimes I do myself and then remember.

Hunched shoulders look awful too as if you're trying to hide away into yourself. Straight back is better, head tall. Do bikram yoga or just practise standing up straight. People don't sit on the floor enough or cross legged - this is one area where if you have children you can be better that childless people because you probably do sit on the floor fairly often if you have children.

I think we communicate 80% with non verbal language and probably most of us assume it's what we say that counts (wrongly).

[Sue]

Dear Alpha Mummies

This post isn't anything about the blog subject. It's just me making my peace with you all.

Life is too precious for strife.

Sakura, if I hurt you, I apologise.
Lucy, if I offended you, I apologise
All AM's if I annoyed, irritated, depressed you with strife, I apologise.

Now, take care of yourselves and your loved ones, all of you.

Shantih. Shantih. Shantih.

Sue.

[j]

Jen I would like to watch these but although the titles are right, the clips are wrong. The first one is about a fashion shoot and number 2 is in fact number 1, and so on, so we never get number 5 about pay rises or no 2 about presentations.