"Us" time

We went to Glastonbury last week. Yes, I know, it was a while ago but, to be fair, I still felt a bit "dizzy" until yesterday - although I have now nailed for certain the fact that drinking half a bottle of ASDA own-brand brandy, before 11am, really doesn't agree with my constitution, after all. That feels like a scientific breakthrough.
This has been the first year we haven't taken the children. The kids love Glastonbury - but this is because, as far as they're concerned, Glastonbury is The Kidz Field, where Bodger and Badger do shows every hour on the hour, fairies wander around handing out handfuls of fairydust, and half a dozen tents offer everything from puppet-making, to song composition. After six years of this, we finally tired of going to the greatest rock festival in the world and then using it as a hippy Centre Parcs, and dumped the kids with an assortment of my siblings, instead. Then me and the man-missus headed down there to spend four days in the fulcrum of ROCK. Despite my intense desire to ROCK, I did greatly fear that I would become maudlin, and miss the children. But I have to say - and you must imagine me saying this in the voice of Mr Toad - I didn't miss them at all! I'd do it all again in a heartbeat!
Indeed, so marked was my joy at being away from them that, by 3pm on Saturday, I had actually forgotten that children existed. When a small bunch of small people, wearing velvet jester's hats, barged past me on the way to see Crowded House, I truly marvelled that so many dwarves had travelled down together, to rock. Then I saw their faces, and remembered. The young of the species! Of course! Kids! Coh!
Perhaps our pleasure was all the more intense because this has been only our second break from the children since Dora was born, in 2001. Indeed, I am starting to wonder if I might actually be, contrary to all my assumptions, an incredibly diligent and loving mother, after all - like some manner of slightly overweight saint, in a TopShop smock. When I was having a pre-Glastonbury guilt, my sister Weena said, slightly incredulously, "All my friends who have kids are off on mini-breaks left, right and centre. They leave them for a week, sometimes. Just bugger off and get wankered on hot cider, there's a good girl."
So, I have no idea what the average child-dumping rate is. All I know is that, on Saturday, I was pleasantly steamed from 11am onwards, danced for 10 hours straight, "showed" Jay-Z my "diamonds", spontaneously learned to body-pop, and accidentally punched the woman who plays the sexy gipsy lady in Stardust in the mouth when running to a falafel stall at 2am. And it was brilliant. And I wish I could do it all again this week.

Comments

[LM]

Gipsy - I second your comments (late to the party again - was on holiday last week & slow to catch up this week). This was a brilliant thread, and all kudos to Jarrad for kick-starting it (Jarrad - I hope you stay around AM).

Er, maybe we can do it all again sometime?

[Gipsy]

OK this post has now gone from the main page and into the archive, so it looks like it is farewell time. A shame that Caitlin never came back to finish her cyber shag.

I'd like to say a special thanks to KM, J, Lucy, and LM (and anyone else I've missed) for creating such a fun thread, and for their brilliant and witty story telling. I look forward to reading the published works of all of you one day.

I'd also like to say thanks to Jarrad for being such an incredible good sport, and letting us have such fun with his online persona. I shall miss this thread, as I shall miss the buffed and tanned 23 year old Californian Jarrad. I look forward to many entertaining discussions with the floppy haired James May-ish Jarrad :)

See you all in another thread, sometime soon I hope!

[Gipsy]

LOL I thought that was a rather sly way of slipping such news into the conversation!

Well nine months without ... there's so many things! You're supposed to cut caffeine out anyway, and doesn't choc have caffeine in it? I can't remember cutting it out but then so much of my pregnancy is a blur now.

[Lucy]

Oh! No! Oops!

It should probably worry me, this being a mums blog and all, that it took me a minute to work out what exactly you two were on about. And then re-read my comment. No, I'm not, but I am trying to be good and cut down on alcohol and similar nasties just in case, and I was crushed to think of nine months without chocolate. That's all.

(Oh dear, I'm feeling a little broody now).

[Gipsy]

Oooh Lucy! Congrats!

No idea about the chocolate though. Have you tried googling it?

Jarrad - I shall be reading your review after I've seen the movie. I am avoiding all and everything that might be a spoiler!

Am taking son to see Wall-E this weekend. Really looking forward to it - I've not been disappointed by Pixar yet.

As for Top Gear - I have no idea why I enjoy watching the show. All the studio stuff and the banter is so obviously staged, I am utterly uninterested in cars (I don't even own one), and the environmentalist in me is so often appalled. And yet I do enjoy watching the show!

[Jane2]

Lucy, you're not, are you?
How will you combine this with medieval texts?

And no, chocolate is not bad for you. Eat the 70% or 85% type and you will feel satsfied with much less.

The only problem I've found with chocolate is that it's more interesting than sex, but if you ARE, then maybe that isn't a problem.

[Lucy]

See, I go away for one week and this is what happens ... bloody hell, I'd have been posting double-time if I'd known this was going on!

Jarrad, is there any justification in the earlier comparison of your hair to James May's? I always thought we were far too child-concerned to be looking at car shows, but I'm of course happy to be corrected if this isn't the case ... much sexier than posh shoes in my opinion ...

(On a serious note, I have just been told that too much chocolate is bad and can make you miscarry. Please tell me this isn't true?)

[j]

On Dark Knight and knives...Have asked Child A who saw it last night. He says, yes Joker has knives which you see a bit. But it is very clear that the man is twisted and insane. He had to think when I asked him- so not a strong take-home message.

but then I have never really got Batman myself.

[Jarrad]

Not sad at all. Took my niece to see it last week- it's excellent.

And yes, Dark Knight is well worth the babysitter.

[J]

I just want to see Wall-e.

How sad is that?

[LM]

Wouldn't worry about that Jarrad, KM also listed her blog on AM a couple of times (it's really good too). Me, I'm not articulate or committed enough to have a blog, but I enjoy reading other people's.

(Bottom line: is Dark Knight worth persuading visiting grandparents to babysit for?)

[Jarrad]

Yes J, on myspace. Sorry, didn't want The Times thinking I'm using AM to promote myself.

(looks back at previous AM posts)

Hmm, might be a bit late on that one.

[j]

posted where? on myspace?

I see its a 12A. They have to be joking. Child A is going but he's 16.

[Jarrad]

I've just posted a blog about "The Dark Knight" and the certificate it has been given that may be of interest to the Alpha Mummies and would be keen to hear your thoughts.

I cannot believe that there hasn't been more written in the media about how unsuitable this film is for children.

[Gipsy]

I don't know KM, there's nowhere near as much fun out in the other threads!

[Jarrad]

I've dipped my toe into those murky waters....

[KM]

The true test of your commitment Jarrard will be if you escape from this steamy thread and come and argue with us on the other ones. Then we will know you are truly an Alpha-Man.

[Jarrad]

Ladies, ladies, please.....there's plenty of me to go around.

I'm not so much pre-owned as "worn-in".

[Gipsy]

LOL J I won't be making any moves on Jarrad - he's already tagged as Caitlin's cyber shag :)

As for the 'pre-owned' tag, speak for youself missus! I prefer 'well-loved' myself.

[KM]

This is getting ridiculous. We should rename it the virtual Alpha Dating Site.

[J]

Jarrad the thing about Alpha mummies is that they say the same kind of thing about us... so Gipsy will not spurn what you might call the "pre-owned" type of male beauty...

I should at this point crush any misconception that might exist and tell you that I am ten years older than you, with 3 children.

[Jarrad]

Ah. Unfortunately there are some health considerations that preclude the working out but, dearie me Gipsy, you'd have liked me in my prime.

[Gipsy]

Do some working out. Biceps (nicely toned not Mr World style) and floppy hair, along with shoes, chocolates and books. You'll have queues at the door! Or maybe that's just my personal fantasy...

[KM]

I think you are missing a key ingredient. It would need to be a chocolate, shoes and BOOK shop to grab the really discerning woman.

All the best floppy-haired blokes are to be found serving behind the counter in Waterstones or Blackwells.

[Jarrad]

Yes it was a few months earlier. And the main pic was taken back in May so it's slightly longer now.

I keep expecting to get an e-mail from The Times saying "Please note that the Alpha Mummy blog was not designed to help you style your hair. You're not even a mummy. Please cease and desist."

[Gipsy]

And that hair cut wasn't even your most 'Harrison' hair. Or at least that's how it looks comparing the photo with the main pic on your page.

[Jarrad]

Hey it wasn't me who chose George Harrison...those things supposedly compare your photo with famous people and that was who I matched up with.

However I think it's basically the hair and nothing else.

And I think you're underestimating the allure of a free pair of Choo's as a chat-up line. If only I DID have a lock-up full of such things I bet my dating problems would be solved.

[j]

now look, Jarrad, there is such scope for a shop window of all these charms on your mySpace profile.

Morph Louboutins into Jimmy Choos. See the chocolate melt before your eyes.. coat Jarrad in the substance of your choice..what are you waiting for?

[Jarrad]

My original plan was to leave a trail of chocolate leading to the Aladdin's Cave of Footwear but a combined shoe/chocolate shop? It's genius! Why has no-one thought of that before?

I need the phone number for Dragon's Den asap!

Scott Baio...yes there's a long and very boring story behind that, let's just put it down to irony.

[Gipsy]

LOL yes. I'm also not sure it works entirely as a chat up line...come back to my place and you can have a pick of Jimmy Choos?

I think what you're missing here Jarrad is the perfect way to meet women AND a business opportunity. A combined shoe AND chocolate shop. With lots of comfy sofas too.

I'm not sure if having Scott Baio listed as your favourite works in your favour or not.

[Lazy Mummy]

Er, Jarrad, I think you have to actually offer the chocolate/ Jimmy Choos - not just stockpile...

[KM]

I jolly well hope they haven't. I'm not going to let anyone invade America without me. But I'm reading a good book tonight so won't stop round now.

Take care.

[Jarrad]

I have a range of sizes and colours.

But please remember, no eating whilst you're trying them on...those choccy fingerprints are a nightmare to get off.

[J]

ahem...what size Jimmy Choos, Jarrad?

[Jarrad]

Sorry, I've been stockpiling chocolate and Jimmy Choo's, convinced that I have found a sure-fire way to attract women.

Hasn't worked so far though.

[Gipsy]

Sorry KM! I shall get back to the cyber sex IMMEDIATELY. Or are we on to shoe porn? How about mixing chocolate, cyber sex AND shoe porn?

It has been quiet in here. Have the others gone to invade America without telling us?

[KM]

How on earth did we get onto Polynesian fat?

Typical AM. You can't even be frivolous without everyone coming over all learned and sensible suddenly.

[Gipsy]

Well, the Polynesian thing is something else entirely. It is cultural for the most part (not all Polynesian societies regard this as desirable), in which fat is a status symbol. So to be sexually desirable, for example, as a woman you'd also want to on the plump side. As I said, though, that's not the case in all Polynesian societies, and those that are second or third or more generation in New Zealand don't necessarily feel that way either. Plus, they're generally large people anyway. Jonah Lomu is not unusual in size. My husband is six foot tall, and he felt short in New Zealand for the first time in his life.

[j]

when I was little there would be an article once a year on John Craven's newsround about (I think) Polynesia and the story was, how the whole population was obese as they loved eating lamb flaps (?) which were crispy fried lamb fatty meat.

How we gawped at the whole idea of eating fatty fried meat in between meals - it was, euww how foreign and exotic and just strange. And we had literally never seen anyone that fat apart from Bruce G's mother who was so fat she wore smocks and it was worth the bike ride just to see her.

You could probably open up on a high street near any of us now, and get quite a few customers. And they were probably only about a size 20.

[Gipsy]

It goes some way to explaining the weight problem that American's traditionally have.

However, it doesn't really explain why we are seeing a similar trend here in the UK, and in other countries. I have noticed on the last couple of trips home to NZ that kiwi's are getting much bigger. By which I mean 'over-weight bigger' - there's always been a fair chunk of the kiwi population that was gigantic compared to British sizes due to the Polynesian or Scottish highland crofter genes.

[j]

I agree on the food thing, actually it is scary for me- I know lots of naturally skinny people, including OH, who always put on wieght when they go to the US, and the never do here. They are confused as to how it happens but they thought- sugar everywhere and lots of hidden fats, palm oil, sugar syrup, etc etc plus big helpings. So i have also thought, if I live in the US I would go organic and home made for much more, through not understanding really how their food is put together.

[j]

"There's actually quite a few folks AWOL. I don't know if it is because of what happened a while back, and we've still not had our ToC."

I've tried to find out where we are on the TOC, but although Ive asked Jen twice (nicely) she hasnt replied to me.

I am assuming it will be fine, but that cant last forever.

[Gipsy]

oh absolutely! You can't have trans fats in the cooking oils of fast foods here. When we were in LA, I had some chips at a McD's and honestly, they were gorgeous! So much better than ours. Until my friend pointed out that they actually ADD trans fats on purpose to the cooking there. Now she really could have told me that before I started eating.

[Lazy Mummy]

On tartrazine, I think one reason I'm so adamant about buying mostly organic food is living in the US where there are fewer regulations about food additives, pesticides, fertilizers etc. It's a way to protect against things that probably aren't allowed in the European food chain.

[Lazy Mummy]

ROFL Gipsy & MMMM -

I actually have done exactly what you did, Gipsy, with stock and with something else (custard or something) before. And I actually got a finger on something in the oven while wearing washing up gloves once - definitely don't recommend it.

Gipsy, well the locals here say "Summer starts after July 4th" and as a general rule, that's accurate, but we had a lousy August last year, and then there was the winter of most consecutive days of rain ever (something like 125)...honestly, the climate's even worse than the north of England.

[Gipsy]

BTW - ROFL at the washing up gloves! I can so see myself doing something like that.

[Gipsy]

Goodness me, yes, BoB. There's actually quite a few folks AWOL. I don't know if it is because of what happened a while back, and we've still not had our ToC. Or if it is because of the summer hols.

Should we do a roll call?

[mmmm]

Gipsy, once when I was tired/distracted I very very nearly took something out of the oven using washing up gloves instead of oven gloves.

Talking of boiling up carcasses, does anybody know what happened to BagofBones? (I refer to her domestic skills, not her name).

[Gipsy]

How do you know when you're too tired and should just go to bed? When you spend the evening boiling up that chicken carcass for soup and stock, take it off the stove, put the strainer over the sink instead of a bowl and pour the whole lot down the drain.

[Gipsy]

It is tartrazine that is the real killer, not the sugar. I can't remember what the e number was for that. But have a look - you'll find it in a surprising number of foods/chocolates.

One thing I found in the US was the amount of sugar in everything! Slices of sandwich ham - sugar. I believe there's more sugar in the white bread in the US than they put in the UK too.

Whole foods is great. Shopped there when visiting my friend in LA when son was 1 year old. Excellent for organic baby food.

As for the rainy season in Seattle ... did I tell you I spent a week there in August a few years ago and it rained every single day?

[Lazy Mummy]

Chocolate buttons really are the best aren't they? I loved them as a child - far more than Smarties (the best was the chocolate button easter egg). The best bit is that for pre-schoolers, they provide a good, relatively unharmful treat while also improving numeracy ("How many chocolate buttons were in your packet? You've eaten 5? How many left?") All in all, can't be beaten! I didn't realise they were completely additive-free, but I feel even better about using them now.

[Gipsy]

LM - my stepdaughter was hyperactive (well, still is really but she's 23 now). The only sweets/chocolate we could give her were Cadbury's chocolate buttons, as they're only ones free of all nasty additives and so forth - the only sweets that wouldn't set off an 'episode'. My hub's cousin is coeliac, and again, Cadbury's chocolate buttons are the only ones she can rely on not to cause her any pain.

[Lazy Mummy]

Caitlin - this blog is still missing something:

SHOES!

Think the only conversation about it was SM talking about running after toddler twins in 4 inch heels, but really, we need a thread on shoe-porn...(the female version, not shoe-fetish-males, obviously).

[Gipsy]

Hubs has long hair so I am definitely a long hair kind of person.

Since when did this escalate into an invasion? Well OK but I bag's standing behind Caitlin.

[Lazy Mummy]

Well, you're all welcome to the US to try out the abysmal chocolate. The weather out here in Seattle will be glorious until about mid-September & then rainy season will hit until May.

(Yes Gipsy - I meant Green & Black.)

Though as I said, you can get the good stuff here now - they even sell G&B ice cream in my local Whole Foods (trust me - if you lived here, you'd shop there too; at least you can guarantee most stuff is GMO/ Bovine-Growth-Hormone/ Free and has a lower additive content).

Gipsy- thank you for info on cocoa solid requirements; that explains so much about why my daughter gets a much bigger sugar high when eating hershey's kisses than when eating cadbury's chocolate buttons (sent by my mother, or bought as imports from the british store). We'll stick to the foreign import muck. Except, of course, when buying from the local chocolatiers (some are really good - being Seattle, they're all fair-trade, organic, weird flavours; can't quite appreciate chilli-flavoured chocolate myself, though the earl grey & lavender ones are nice for a change).

I've noticed actually that Americans are the same way about desserts - far more sugar-based than in the UK; I think Brits are more into cream than sugar really.

[Weaselwords]

Well, here's another vote for keeping the hair. Hmm, I do like a man with long hair. (Reddens slightly at salacious memories of delightfully misspent youth).

BTW, what are the dates for the invasion of the US to recticfy the appalling chocolate situation there? I need to sort out a childminder...

[j]

Caitlin Jarrad says he doesnt mind being outed- so- myspace is where it is at, specifically http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=81479287 or search myspace: Jarrad, aged 36, living in Gloucester.

You have to vote on the hair thing now, me, I say keep it.

[Caitlin MOran]

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM I can't find Jarrad on Facebook and I can't BELIEVE what happened while I was away and I'm horny and confused and also very enlightened about the exact constituents of UK vs. US chocolate. God I love this blog. Everything a woman could want from the internet IN ONE PLACE. Ladies, you were MAGNIFICENT. Jarrad - you are a tease. I demand internet satisfaction.

[Jo]

I love the Maya Gold G&B, don't suppose there is any lying around in here?
When I was in Kenya occasionally there would be a chocolate delivery to the village near where we were staying - it tasted very weird and powdery but after a month with none and only very simple meals it was the lovliest thing I have ever eaten. I have also never gone so mad at seeing a supermarket:-)

[Gipsy]

oh goodness - which I meant as in you're clearly not useless nor melting! I'll crawl back under my rock now...

[Gipsy]

So I guess you're not a chocolate teapot then :)

(sorry, bad pun/joke based on a saying - as useful as a chocolate teapot, which always makes me want a chocolate teapot...)

[Teapot]

It's full of vitamin C(h).
I don't know about the USA but chocolate over here (latin america) seems to be made of something to stop it melting in the heat. It tastes like it's 50% plastic.

[j]

are you serious Gipsy??
poor old US folk get 10% real stuff in their choccy?

quick, girls, a rescue mission is needed....

[NAMY]

Gipsy, of course you need the chocolate - it causes production of happy endorphins and we all need those! Plus, it's like red wine - good chocolate helps reduce the chances of heart attacks. It's like taking vitamin supplements. Obviously.

[Gipsy]

All the wranglings with the EU about our chocolate came about because the Brit's put milk into their chocolate.

Not an expert Jarrad? Sounds like a good excuse to go chocolate tasting - yes, I do need all these bars of G&B, I'm trying to get up to speed for this discussion I'm having with a bunch of mad, er, intelligent and incredibly attractive (even though I've never met them) women I'm talking to online.

[Gipsy]

From the Total Health website:

There are three main forms of cocoa that may be used in chocolate:

*
Cocoa liquor. The material that originates from the first processing of harvested cocoa beans (cocoa powder combined with cocoa butter).

*
Cocoa butter. The solid fat component of chocolate. Cocoa butter is pressed from the cocoa liquor and separated into the butter and the powder.

*
Cocoa powder. Chocolate liquor without the cocoa butter.

The regulations for what defines chocolate and separates it from other forms of candy differ from country to country. They are based on the percentage of chocolate liquor in the product.

Minimum Percentages of Cocoa Liquor
Dark chocolate Milk chocolate
United States 15 percent 10 percent
Europe 35 percent 25 percent

High quality chocolate contains only cocoa liquor, cocoa butter, sugar and sometimes vanilla. Mass produced chocolate contains much less cocoa (sometimes as low as 7 percent) and additives such as milk, soy lecithin, corn syrup, flavorings, dyes, and large amounts of sugar.

[j]

OH brought some chocolate back from the US for the children and they couldnt eat it- it was much more sugary than what they are used to here. But I wasnt sure if that was just that he had bought cheap rubbish in the airport, having forgotten to get anything better in town ;)

[Jarrad]

Aren't there different requirements for cocoa content in chocolate throughout the world, which is what affects the taste?

Not really my specialist subject I'm afraid.

[Gipsy]

So is this turn in the conversation an after cyber-sex cyber-chocolate binge?

[Namy: there are no calories in cyber-chocolate, go pig out, the tray is over there]

[NAMY]

you mean I'm busted already? darn it, I thought I was going to be all tough girl, hard core, bra burning feminist on you guys. Good thing I'm not an undercover agent trying to save the world, James Bond style. [also, I don't have the figure for it - all that chocolate we were just talking about...I try to maintain that G&B dark almond doesn't count - almonds are healthy - but somehow my waistline isn't buying it]

[Gipsy]

It *is* lunchtime KM!

[KM]

Stop talking about chocolate. I am trying to get through to lunch without a snack.

Hello Namy, nice to see you are coming along to be frivolous too! :)

[NAMY]

i thought US chocolate ("candy" - I love that) had more sugar than British/european counterparts? Or is that just something I made up?

[Gipsy]

By G&B do you mean Green and Blacks? My favourite!

Hubs can't eat chocolate at all - it gives him migraines. Oh the horror!

[mumoftwo]

G&B always gives me a headache- obviously the cocoa content is too pure and concentrated for my plebby taste. Personally, I love chocolate buttons, but sadly I am starting to look like I do too...

[Gipsy]

Plaxo looks almost identical to Facebook. Same sort of layout, design, type etc. Why would anyone want yet another Facebook type site in their lives?

I too am on Linked in for business reasons, and I loathe it. But the company uses it and so do most of our clients and the sorts of companies that would be our clients. (we're an American company).

Hershey's just has, to me anyway, this vomit aftertaste and smell that I just cannot get around. My German mate loathes British chocolate, she says it tastes like wax. I think she's right, but then I like my wax :)

The odd thing about Cadbury's is that they do a much bigger range of chocolate in New Zealand. I've always found that odd. I have to go to NZ house to get a Pinky fix, for example. And their peppermint chocolate has a completely different filling in NZ and Australia than it does here.

[Lazy Mummy]

J -

On why American chocolate tastes different when it's the same thing - I gather the recipe's slightly different, and also, of course, the milk will taste different (British milk generally tastes better to me - probably just because it's what I grew up with).

My husband & I used to argue about which is better chocolate-wise sometimes Cadbury's vs Hersheys but then the US turned to gourmet chocolate & there are actually several v. posh foodie-style chocolatiers in town (Seattle is all about the posh, over-priced food actually). But we can also get G&Bs here these days & that's my usual fix when I need one.

[Lazy Mummy]

Er, that's three votes for keeping the hair.

Agreed with KM though - can't spend any more time on the web and MySpace/Facebook would just suck me in.

Latest thing over here in the US is Plaxo - everyone keeps inviting me to join & I just ignore it all, keep using LinkedIn & nothing else (that's really just business networking, nothing personal).

[Gipsy]

ROFL! She's sitting by the pool drinking cocktails with little umbrella's, brought to her by a chocolate covered Jarrad wearing nought but a pinny.

[KM]

She's ditched AM and run off with Jarrad. That's where Caitlin is.

The MySpace piccies are a ruse. They're actually both off in Benidorm.

[j]

Caitlin, are you still alive?

We have found Jarrad. We have located pictures and he has offered to coat self and chosen one in chocolate.

Where are your cries of happiness?

[Gipsy]

oh dear! have we crashed Jarrad's page on My Space, or is the database error message I'm getting a co-incidence?

Or maybe it is the FBI working with the INS? We did rather leave things in a bit of a mess stateside.

[Gipsy]

That's two votes to Save Jarrad's Hair!

Anyone else?

[Gipsy]

Well, I'm trying really hard not to swear, so it is kinda getting to live vicariously by reading swear words.

At the moment we're on a damage limitation exercise trying to convince son that it is actually 'oh my gosh'.

I'd like to say I loved your homeless man story, but of course that sounds really odd given the subject matter. If it had been a fictional story I'd say I loved it; as a piece of reality-writing I would say it was thought provoking, and exceptionally well articulated.

[J]

In which case I will say that oyur story about the homeless man was very touching and thoughtprovoking, and I swear too.

[KM]

Ahem. I think you should keep the hair too.

[Jarrad]

No, I don't mind at all.

I'll just apologise for the swearing in some of my blogs.

[Gipsy]

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't cut the hair! If you're eluding to it going grey, then get out the Grecian 2000.

Besides, there's nothing wrong with James May that a decent hair comb wouldn't fix.

[Gipsy]

oh dear, have I done some terrible net-equitte thingie again? I feel rather terrible now. Sorry Jarrad. I do wish there was a delete button on this!

[Jarrad]

Rumbled.

Surely the first time the phrase "spam ho" has appeared in the Alpha Mummy blog. Well, I hope so, anyway.

Please note that there is a certain sense of sarcasm running through my profile.

The hair is going to come off as it's getting a bit James May.

[Gipsy]

oh I'm an idiot! I sent you the link via email (don't know why I didn't do that in the first place).

[J]

Gipsy I hope Jarrad is happy with this-I only asked a teaser about his local motorway...

[Gipsy]

His picture is on his main page, which you can view without joining. Look quick though I suspect he may want to take it down after this :)

Do a search for Jarrad, male, 36, united kingdom. There is only one (she said in her best Sean Connery Highlander voice).

This should drive your viewing stats up Jarrad.

[Gipsy]

I may set up an account under the username 'my space spam ho' and send a friend request :)

[KM]

I can't join Facebook or MySpace. Not even to meet Jarrard. I would never actually stand up from my computer ever again.

[J]

exactly, we have found you on myspace, myboy... liked the story ;)

[Gipsy]

LOL! So not bald, short or fat! I do like the floppy, longish hair. Ah, five kronenburg's and a packet of fags. It does sound like you're Caitlin's kind of gal.

I'll have to sign up to My Space to see the rest of your pics.

[Jarrad]

I live in the West of England.

[Weaselwords]

Guilty admission: our larder is stocked with posh high cocoa content plain chocolate. Our bins are full of the wrappers of cheap and nasty "chocolate" bars. (Although I do also have virtuous phases of restrained sampling of grown-up G&B type choc I am currently not in one of those phases)

[J]

Hmm, Jarrad do you by any chance live near the M5?

[J]

Jarrad I think you may have just inspired the first ever Alphamummy reunion, well, union as its the first one...Cadbury World anyone? do you think you can book the dipping suite by arrangement?

Am about to bribe my teenager to find you on facebook/myspace ;)

Impressed that your friends can manage cheap double entendres in Hebrew.

On chocolate: posh or trashy? are you Green and Black people or Dairy Milk?

And why does American chocolate taste different, ex-pat mummies, do you know?

[Gipsy]

Do you live in London Jarrad? I'm sure that there's a chocolate covering nightclub here somewhere. And if there isn't, there should be.

[Jarrad]

Actually I have some Gu chocolate puddings in the 'fridge if anybody fancies one.

And Lazymummy? More like 36 and never been covered in chocolate. Can't have met the right woman.

[Weaselwords]

Hmmm, my normal state is craving chocolate. During pregnancy I went right off chocolate and craved mangoes. I couldn't go a day without a mango... Sadly, as soon as my children were born, I became a dedicated chocolate scoffer again.

[Lazy Mummy]

I wanted chocolate but unfortunately had such bad heartburn that I suffered every time I ate it. Didn't stop me though. :) (How can you not love chocolate?)

[Teapot]

Did any of you crave chocolate during pregnancy? Or fake a craving for chocolate? I've always thought that the temptation to tell your man that you really really need dark belgian truffles when pregnant would be hard to resist... but perhaps I'd end up crying wolf.

[First timer]

At the moment I'm working on the assumption that, pre-baby, no-one can tell how much of the bump is baby and how much is chocolate. I realise this strategy will catch up with me, but intend to enjoy it in the meantime.

[KM]

We've never had a post devoted entirely to the deep relationship between chocolate and motherhood, have we? Apart from I think Sarah Vine said she mainlined chocolate once. Someone should email Jennifer.

[First timer]

Actually I was rather hoping that maternity leave would feature quite a lot of chocolate.

[Teapot]

Mmmm chocolate.....

[KM]

Yes, I think we should keep Jarrad off the maternity leave thread at all costs. It is much more fun to talk about chocolate.

[Weaselwords]

Phew, can we keep this thread going as a sanctuary from the maternity leave thread?

[Lazy Mummy]

Jarrad - You post on AM under your real name and you've never been covered in chocolate? Are you, like, 19? Please do stick around, far more entertaining on this thread than the conversation about maternity leave...

[Jarrad]

Jarrad was my mum's choice, it was a character in a TV series at the time I believe.

Jared is a Hebrew word, meaning "descending".

At least there's no scope for cheap double entendres there then.

There are plenty of photos of me available, if you find the right Facebook/Myspace page that is.

I have never been covered in chocolate.

[Gipsy]

Jarrad isn't a made up name. I know people called Jarrad. One Jared in the UK, and a Jarrad in New Zealand (also a Jayden and a Hayden).

I thought you chose it for its Mills&Boon potential - it does sound rather like a name for a lead character in one of their books.

[KM]

Oh, do come and join in, the more random the teapots the better.

I'm shocked that you think I made up Jarrad, Gipsy. Who could invent a name like that?

(P.S. Jarrad, you can always post a picture of yourself and disappoint us all dramatically. Unless you really are as we described)

[Gipsy]

LOL I do hope you keep sticking around! We need more men like you on AM.

And I don't mean in the covered in chocolate kind of way, well not all the time anyway :)

[Jarrad]

I am now starting to question my own existence.

And please don't apologise for objectifying me as a sex object. Why do you think I keep coming back here?

[Gipsy]

Embarrassment moment - looking back over the story, I realise that Jarrad was in fact orginally just some poor bloke who made the mistake of posting in this thread. I didn't realise he was an actual person - I thought he was someone KM made up and then someone was posting as 'Jarrad' *blushes*

My apologies Jarrad for objectifying you as a sex object!

[mumoftwo]

Totally agree, teapot, it really was fun. I only didn't join in out of the inability to come up with a witty next installment, but I was with you all the way...

[Teapot]

Brilliant! I wish I hadn't been on holiday and missed it all.... still, perhaps I could be in the cast of extras, looking up at the helicopter and Caitlin's whirling buttocks?

I'm sure the credits are still rolling, naming all of the casual semi-AMs (I'm "random bystander 342", the one with the hat).

Thanks for the laughs!

[Gipsy]

Oi Pot.Calling! I seem to remember you asking a similar question at one point :)

[KM]

Oh Gipsy you are terrible.

[Gipsy]

Jarrad you're brilliant! It's true - laughter is erotic. Can I have the next affair? Or is there a queue already?

[KM]

I think you're right, Jarrad. Put it down to the online equivalent of a wild holiday romance and learn from your mistakes.

Caitliin and the AMs are the kind of women your mother warned you about.

[j]

I have to say I dont think Caitlin has really committed to this relationship- where has she been all weekend?

Jarrad I suspect you now have a whole new fan club. Do stay and help us argue about other things as well! it's been fun..

[Jarrad]

Caitlin, it was fun while it lasted but I don't really think it's going to work out after all.

It just feels like there are too many people in this relationship for it to work.

It's not you, it's me.

[Gipsy]

Actually KM I've always thought of you as the head girl around here :)

I didn't go to boarding school but I did go to a catholic girl's convent school. Does that count?

[KM]

Yes, well, it was in the days before the Children's Act came in and boarding schools were suddenly inspected!

[j]

Actually what is horrible is the staff knew. That would undermine my whole sense of safety in their hands.

Totally weird. Sexual innuendo and physical assualt of 11 year olds? aye, you had to pay good money for that in the good old days, we had to make do with a poke in the eye from my gran and a peep into the woodshed...

[KM]

(have replied to your reply. this is getting ridiculous).

[KM]

They were not so bad for the girls. We had to take a test on our knowledge of sex and we were marked on the results. Then we were all put in a room and had to wait whilst two of us were taken outside and had a bowl of cold water thrown over us in front of the rest of the House. It was done with the permission of staff, who were there and laughing. Quite weird and intimidating when you are eleven.

[j]

tell, tell, we could do a school story next....

[KM]

Has Lucy drunk her cocoa and gone off to bed?
There's no such thing as a newbie here, there are only the nutters and the occasional posters, you had better decide which you prefer to be called...unlike my own boarding school which had hideous initiation rites for newbies...

[j]

yep. Finally. I;ve replied. My server is on Kryptonite time today- weird time lag thingy.

[KM]

(have emailed you AGAIN, J, twice: should get through now)

[j]

paeans, even. You will find that I can spell but I cant type. partly as this keyboard is so filthy, not all the keys go down all the way....

[KM]

Oh, don't take it to heart J, every good school needs a sensible Head Girl!

[j]

Lucy I could do with some peans half or whole written, at the moment I am the sensible elder figure, good with figures and porridge and always telling the livelier girls to drink up their cocoa and put their lights out.

Will now go and polish my sensible shoes and snuggle up into my cosy M&S cardie...

[Lucy]

*Hastily deletes her half-written paean to J's recent comments. Clearly not the in thing for a newbie to be posting.*

[KM]

Yeah, I know, she's just not cool is she Gipsy?

No wonder she thought porridge was erotic.

I think that should be her epitaph, should she ever leave AM "the finance professional who thought porridge was erotic"

(J: I have just emailed you: sorry for hijack)

[Gipsy]

*gasp* J! I had absolutely no idea. You hid it so well. That one just completely passed me by. You've a penchant for classical music!

[J]

sorry, KM should have been LM, still you're only women so I guess it doesnt matter....

[J]

Aha KM, in fact I am the Bishop of Bognor regis cum Snotley and I am merely slumming here to find out how women tick, so that I can destroy their feeble arguments of sound theology and natural justice by a series of cunning refernces to Diamonds and Jay-Z..

[KM]

Snort from here too.

[Lazy Mummy]

*Snort*

J - that's brilliant!

But if you develop that new persona over on Gledhill blog, how do we know you're not really bisexual northern pec-oiled Jarrad who's merely been impersonating a high-powered public/non-profit sector finance professional with three children and a penchant for classical music here on AM forever?

[j]

They landed in Croydon as Caitlin had crashed the sat-nav system whilst trying to download Jay-Z on the aeroplane's inflight computer connection.

Am v tempted to find new voice on Gledhill and ask naive qs such as "if all disciples were arabs, is it not true that all ye who are ordained by Europeans are not fully ordained? how do you know that Christ was picking men rather than, say, Nazarenes? Given the biblical emphasis on tribal loyalty and smiting foreigners, what would they make of a Polish pope?"

Share KM's annoyance, perhaps especially as an atheist, as in "who do these men think that they are??"

[KM]

Just to clarify, Lucy, I'm not quoting, I'm satirising. I'm speaking of those who deny women the opportunity to be ordained or consecrated bishop

[Lucy]

And I thought our little thread was wierd, KM. Not people? What on earth else are they then? I may have to go over to the other blog just to satisfy my curiosity, but last time I got utterly confused wading through it all.

[Gipsy]

I just can't quite work out how the commercial transatlantic flight landed in Croydon. I know the airport is still there but I don't think it is used for anything other than radio controlled airplanes.

[KM]

This would be a certain type of Gledhill commentator on motherhood

"The Fifteenth Submission by the Midwives Association in 1810 makes it abundantly clear that children born without the correct midwifery procedures having been followed (by a midwife who has been validated by the midwives that came before them in our particular sect) are NOT REAL PEOPLE and whilst we may extend the spirit of maternal charity to them and hope that they find some happiness in their poor little benighted lives we may not slander the birthright of our own children by suggesting in any way that these nasty little squirts are JUST AS HUMAN as the rest of us."

All right, maybe I'm a bit exasperated and losing my perspective right now (quietly disappears in head of steam)

[Lazy Mummy]

But J you were probably quite right to have us all end the mission. After all, too long away & everyone's cover would have been blown - not much use for secret agents.

(Don't see you as pompous Gledhill blog commentor, though you could undoubtedly fake it if you needed to go undercover).

[KM]

Sorry, should clarify. I love Ruth Gledhill's blog, I think it's really interesting, but the tenor of some of the commentators does seem to me unbearably pompous (which brings out the joker in me).

You are not pompous in the slightest, at least not from the AM evidence I have!

[j]

am particularly hurt at the idea that I would fit right in with Gledhill's blog ..the way you describe it...tell me that wa a joke?

[KM]

You are of course right J. We should all be being sensible and respectable (sags slightly)

[j]

Boy I hate being the sensible one. You save people from disaster, they get to moan about how much evil fun they would have had, and you have no friends left.
(hides tears behind the smoked glass f her limo)

[Lazy Mummy]

Childcare KM? At a time like this? Weren't our husbands all taking care of the kids? Or with Caitlin's 17th sister or something?

Agree with Jarrad, slightly tame ending. I thought at least we'd end up with Caitlin/Jarrad MySpace live broadcast of tazer in false buttocks or something...

(Now I can access The Times from home again, must pop over to Gledhill's blog & see what all the fuss is about).

[Jarrad]

Can't help but see that ending as the inevitable anti-climax.

However I wouldn't be at all surprised if this turned up on ITV in a few months, starring Sarah Lancashire as Caitlin and Robson Jerome (or whatever his name is) as, er, me. But older. And Northern.

[KM]

Yes I had just been wondering what we'd all done about childcare.

Maybe we left them with Eleanor Mills and Sarah Vine who never contribute any more.

You go and leave a mad code message on Gledhill's blog, J. You're all grown up and respectable, you'll fit right in.

[j]

Actually, just so we all keep our jobs, I am going to write the end now

And they landed happily in Croydon and all went back to their children and lived happily ever after.

Maybe time to pop over to Gledhill and leave mad code messages?

[KM]

(KM slinks back shamefaced into the respectable Alphamummy circle, pretending she didn't want to watch either and was just testing)

I love the phrase "chaste blogettes." But I think I was almost the only one. Just an awful lot of men shouting at each other about, well, actually, now I think about it, I'm not sure. But they didn't seem very happy.

[j]

With you on that, Gipsy, that's why I have thoughtfully provided a first class toilet for them to join the mile high club- now Caitlin has to write that bit, even for her, I am not going to write yer actual internet porn ;)

[KM]

For goodness sake, Gipsy. You don't mean you want to join in too? Let Caitlin have her moment of fun - she's been through enough for it...

[Gipsy]

(you know KM I don't actually want to 'watch'.)

[j]

The captain tried to concentrate on his pre-flight checks. There cerrtainly was a quick turnover of cabin crew these days. He had not expected a complete change of staff, but these four women seemed to be a very experienced team, and certainly that Chief Steward, Jarrad, had them working well as a team.

He wondered what kind of team building exercises they used.

Keen on hygiene, too. The one they called "Caitlin" kept checking and rechecking the door lock on the first class toilets. No doubt making sure it wouldnt swing open in flight.

"Cabin doors to manual, please," he called.

Meanwhile, below on the tarmac, hidden under a pile of vegetarian airline meals, the original crew struggled silently in their gags and ropes under the shadow of the cooling helicopter. Special Agent J checked the Gledhill Blog one more time- such a useful cover, so respectable- and then moved softly to her waiting limousine.

[Gipsy]

Lucy heroically took the controls. YEEEHAARRRR she yelled pulling back hard on the controls and flipping the helicopter into a backwards roll before gaining altitude just in time to miss hitting the top of that pyramid shaped building that you alway see in pictures of San Francisco, and in the opening credits of Charmed, but never actually know the name of.

Whew that was close said J.

Miffle muffle muff, said Caitlin.

KM passes her a mojito she made while everyone else was engaged (Lucy saving them all, Gipsy screaming like a little girl, Caitlin and Jarrad ... ).

[KM]

Yeah, J's "I am an atheist" cover doesn't fool anyone. She actually works for the Vatican Hit Squad.

Are we watching Jarrard and Caitlin get down to it yet?

[Lucy]

What, the Cambridge and MI6 experience isn't proof enough for you? *Shakes head* It's essential training for the clergy these days.

Mind you, I did wonder how J knew. Perhaps she's a spy...

[Gipsy]

well if you're going to claim that, you'll have to prove it.

email KM, if she's happy I'm happy.

I have to say though it puts a bit of a damper on the whole orgy thing. I don't think a canon of St Paul's quite fits in there. Mind you, Jarrad will undoubtedly find it a turn on.

[Lucy]

Gipsy wiped her keyboard guiltily.

How could she have known Caitlin would find the sight of splurted coffee so unbearably erotic? It must have been something to do with those months of caffine-denial she'd been through pre-Eavie. Distracted, they both totally ignored Jarrad.

What was it with these women? He wondered. A whole harem, and yet none of them seemed truly focussed on the task in hand. Maybe he'd have been better off with that nice Ruth Gledhill and her chastely appealing blogettes...

[Lucy]

That's exactly who I am, KM.

[KM]

Now look, girls. Here I am trying to be all sensible and respectful over on Gledhill's blog and you've got me in a foursome in a helicopter with the most alarmingly large biceps...joystick...woman bishop, oops, I mean fighter pilot.

Lucy sounds over-qualified for medieval texts. Perhaps she should be the first women bishop. You're not Lucy Winkett of St Pauls' Cathedral by any chance?

[Gipsy]

*splurt*

I really shouldn't have read that while drinking a cup of coffee.

[j]

Lucy snorted. Honestly. Why did Jarrad assume he was the only qualifed pilot there?

recruited direct from Cambridge by MI6, her twenties had been spent flying clandestine missions in Albania. US air space was a walk in the park after that.

Which was just as well, as Caitlin, only very hesitantly in touch with reality, had heard the words "Jarrad" and "Joystick" and had responded with a certain admirable simplicity, but not in a way which was helping the steering of the helicopter at all, really.

[Gipsy]

Noooooo don't leave me in a crashing helicopter. I'm scared of heights! What happens next?

HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP

[KM]

Oh am I in the helicopter now? I do hope so, things are getting v. interesting.

[Jarrad]

Unimpressed by Caitlin's sudden transformation into Inspector Gadget, Jarrad urged his newly-acquired harem to mount the chopper.

"Let's get the hell outta here!" he cried over the howling winds, "this thing's gonna blow any minute!"

Barely were they all aboard before the joystick started jerking violently - four women and strong wind did nothing for the chopper's handling. Jarrad grasped the stick firmly, but recent events had clearly taken a lot of out of him and it was obvious he needed a hand.

"Ladies", he began, "could you hold this for me? I've got to find somewhere to lay this bird down."

[KM]

That's true, J, no one has actually consummated anything yet.

[j]

Come *ON* Caitlin we have got you into Jarrad's naked oiled tanned arms in mortal danger and with the option of a foursome.

Get on with it, girl.

Honestly, some people, you have to do *everything* for them...

[j]

odd really, KM, when you think of how many false buttocks you could get under a cassock ;)

[KM]

This is great. I bet none of the other blogs are this much fun today. I've just been visiting Gledhill's blog, her posts are great but honestly some of the other posters seem to be sucking on lemons.
Don't think they completely appreciate my unusual sense of humour.

[j]

out of Caitlin's false buttock pops one propellor, then another. Whirling, they stabilise the flailing wreck and return her to Jarrad's arms...

[KM]

The memo landed on The Times editor's desk with a crunch.

"News International HQ requests you to deal with the American situation immediately," it said. "It appears that one of your blogs has got out of control and has invaded the USA. The Pentagon are calling the President into the Situation Room to discuss what level of appropriate response might not destroy the whole of Western Europe as a consequence. Would you please tell Jennifer Howse to turn up quickly and sort this out?"

[Weaselwords]

Snow or no snow, Jarrad had lost his shirt in the electric encounter with the prison warder and was looking particularly buff and beautiful with his gleaming oiled pecs - KM and Gipsy were mesmerised, and then - whoops - another stumble and Caitlin goes tumbling over the edge of the helipad. Jarrad and the AMs watch in horror as Caitlin plunges downwards, false buttock flapping frantically. Down in the street there is a crowd of occasional posters, their attention attracted by the massive gold helicopter.

[j]

Nope, tis a quote from vv famous bit of medieval poetry as a hook for Lucy.

reworked by Keats (I think) into an ode that went

"Brightness falls from the air
Queens have died young and fair
Dust hath closed Helen's eye
I am sick, I must die".

The soft and delicate bit is from another one, the song of the hanged men, when men rotting on the gallows talk to the elegant ladies going by with their nosegays and say, actually we were people too, with all the same hopes and dreams as you, at least pray for us as you go by.

Just a means to offer Caitlin a foursome with Lucy, now who wants to fly the helicopter? over to you...

[KM]

"Look, the snow from yesterday is gone, where is it now."

Eh?

Is this an aftereffect of whisky?

[j]

Jarrad led the girls ontothe helipad where his sleek machine was waiting for them. Gipsy and KM stumbled under the limp weight of Caitlin.

"Dont worry, girls," he said. "I know you are soft and gently brought up creatures. But look, the snow from yesterday is gone- who knows where it is now!"

With a pop, Lucy appeared.
"Somebody call a medievalist?" she grinned. "Nice bit of Villon you've got there, Jarrad."

[j]

Jarrad looked down at the whimpering heap on the floor. Well, he had promised the guy and "electric encounter".
With experiencd hands he stripped the uniform from the body (Slogan: "west beach correctional Facility. We *know* you can do better") , took the keys and slipped to the cell. Unlocking the door, he nobly accepted the rapturous gratitude and extravagantly personal promises of Gipsy and KM, then turned to the snoring heap under the bunk.

"Asda own-label brandy, I assume?" he sighed, resignedly.

"Worse," said KM, solemnly. "Sainsbury's own-label whiskey".

Jarrad nodded.
"Have to be the helicopter, then".

[KM]

Whilst Lucy stammers through the words of the spell, MumofTwo and LazyMummy down another Martini.

"Do you think we should go and help now?" MOT asked.
"Nah," said LM. "Let's just hang out here and....."

Lucy appears in front of them, looking very bewildered and clutching a medieval textbook.

"I must have got it wrong," she moans, "I asked for a knight in shining armour."
"Huh," said J, appearing out of nowhere in that annoying way responsible elder people do when you don't want them to know what you're up to, "fine knight in shining armour we've got, he's got waylaid into bisexual encounter in the entrance to the prison."
"Galahad would never have behaved that way," sighed Lucy.

Supermother turns up and orders a round of drinks on her expense account. She'd like to help with the rescue but she's too rich nd important so she promises to hire someone to help. Someone wonders vaguely where Caitlin has got to, but they're all having too many Martinis to care.

[KM]

"Women Bishops?" said Gipsy disapprovingly. "Have you no sense of the ridiculous?"

..........

Lucy looked down at the medieval text she was perusing. She had been keeping up with developments on the AM forum whilst studying. Now it was time to leave such foolish nonsense, and....but lo, what was that in the margins of the text? A coded magical spell for retrieving errant damsels who had managed to get themselves locked up in awkward situations? Just what the Alphamummies needed. But only one flaw. It would need to be said out loud.

"Come, Sir Galahad," she breathed as quietly as possible, in her best medieval Latin access, "Venite, excipitere, oh hell what's the imperative form of rescue?"

Across the room, the librarian looked up disapprovingly.

[Lucy]

(Thanks! This post is absolutely life-enhancing. I would stay in for it even if I weren't ploughing grimly through medieval texts. :-)

PS: Why do I feel that this conversation is akin to whispers in the library? It must be the contagious melodrama of the thread.)

[Lazy Mummy]

(Lucy - u r so v. welcome. and this is so much more fun on a friday afternoon - or evening).

[Lucy]

As Jarrad and the jailer cast smouldering glances at each other, neither eager to make the first bold move, KM cast her eyes to the heavens.

Would she never get out? Alas, it was time to turn her mind again to the first post of the blog. 'My mind is filled with women bishops,' she explained wistfully to Gipsy, in a soft undertone.

"Ah-HAH!" broke in Caitlin loudly. "I knew it! You only really care about Jennifer Howse and her disturbingly serious yet popular blog topics. I feel betrayed ..."

[j]

Prison officer Jo TRanter rocked the weight to his other foot. He hated visitor duty. No alent to spot, nothing to do.

Unless, ding DONG, who was that gorgeous young hunk in the strangely shaped trousers?

Jo mmoved towards the young man.

"Hey", he said, racking his brain for an original chat-up line, "is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

Jared switched the taser to "charge".

The things I do, he thought, to rescue damsles in distress.

"Well, big boy", he smiled, "why dont you come and find out?"

[Lucy]

Jarrad felt wounded Caitlin's distrust of his anal abilites. Hadn't his obsessive tanning and fitness regime already indicated to her that he was at any moment about to reveal his rampant bisexuality to the world? And how better to train for smuggling tasers into prison than a stint of man love? He considered abandoning the whole AM crew to their fate, but the sight of that sexy little 'tache ... he feel almost weak at the knees, and clenched his buttocks ever tighter. He'd show that whiskey-swilling floozie what was what!

[KM]

KM and Gipsy looked through the bars of their cell.
This story has taken on a life of its own, don't you think? Said KM to Gipsy.
I know, she said. We seem to have been left behind somewhere. Perhaps we should just disappear and start our own website together.
No no, hang on, let's try another tack, KM said. Do you think there is room for us to crawl inside Caitlin's false buttock and escape too?

But just as they reached through the bars towards Caitlin's disappearing rump the taser fell out of Jarrard's bottom and all hell broke loose.

"Typical male chaplain," sniffed KM, "no ability to multi-task."

Outside the walls of the prison, Jennifer Howse sighed. What were those naughty girls of hers getting up to now?

[Weaselwords]

Ugh, Sainsburys own brand whisky? Caitlin, did you have to?

[Weaselwords]

As J watched Jarrad approach the security desk, she realised he was shuffling uncomfortably. Oh no, she had forgotten that multi-tasking was not his strong point: clenching his glutes, walking and remembering that spiel she had taught him about being a prison chaplain all at the same time was proving too much. She knew that if the taser fell out of his bottom at that moment, the bottom would fall out of Caitlin's world. What to do? She needed the backup team of AMs - and she needed them fast. J texted with lightning speed and her team immediately dried their nails, put on their magic knickers and catsuits and were soon on the way to help her ensure that Caitlin got her story. But just then, Caitlin spotted Jarrad through the bars of her cell and SCREAMed...

[Caitlin MOran]

Caitlin carefully unscrewed her false eye, and accessed the techno-cupboard that took up the right side of her skull. Loosing all ability at maths, and having nineteen severe fits a day, had been a small price to pay for being able to keep a small gun, an iPhone, ten Silk Cut and a miniature bottle of Jack Daniels in her head. She was grateful that Kiefer Sutherland from out of 24 had taught her this invaluable trick, during their ludicrously passionate affair from 2001-2004. Once, Caitlin had given him good time loving so good, his head had once exploded nineteen times in one night. Caitlin sighed at the memory. It seemed extraordinary that, at the time, she'd been managing to do both Doc Ock and Duncan Bannatyne from Dragon's Den on the side, as well.
Quickly accessing the "getting out of a California Jail" facility on her iPhone, Caitlin got out of the jail, and then chose the "ordering a cab with a well-stocked vintage shop in it" option. Driving towards Jarrad's house, she put together simply the most incredible outfit she had ever worn: a 1980's motocross jumpsuit, cowboy boots, a tiny top hat and a moustache.
As she twirled her luxuriant, musky tash with her fingertips, Caitlin mulled cheerfully over the next few hours ahead of her. The drive to Laurel Canyon always raised the spirits - especially with her favourite megamix of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's "Helplessly Hoping" segueing into Andrew WK's "Party Hard" pumping out of the stereo. And then, it was always gratifying to watch another man react in awe and surprise at her superlative sexual technique - until his head blew up, anyway.
But before all that, there was just one more thing Caitlin had to do. Yes - it was time to pull off her false buttock, and get out the 2 litre bottle of Sainsbury's own-brand whisky, £3.99.

And SCREAM J have you got Jarrad carrying a taser up his arse? Amazing. This is the best thread ever.

[Lucy]

*Laughs out loud*. This is a brilliant bonkers thread, love it! Thanks Lazy Mummy for pointing it out to me (and for the noble attempt to save me from myself ... sheepish face ...)

[KM]

Huh. Notice how we're all working ourselves into a lather on Friday night trying to spring Caitlin from jail and does she turn up to help?

Huh.

[Lazy Mummy]

But Gipsy, it's really easy to fake a photo on the webcam - a software engineer of Jarrad's skills would be able to knock something like that up no problem, and seriously, if you've spent as much time hanging out with Californian software engineers as I have, you'll know that they're all called Josh and none of them are tanned, muscled hunks. Those are all the Hollywood extras...