What should we be teaching our children, and when?

Two stories today about education raise the same interesting question: when should we teach our children different topics.

According to to government recommendations, we should be teaching and assessing preschoolers on reading, writing and punctuation. The Times's School Gate blog comes out against the under 5's agenda and quotes Carl Honore, author of Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting, who says the "joy of childhood" is being squeezed out.

In another article, a report recommends parents talk to their 11 to 14-year-olds regularly about sex. After the painful (for both sides) facts-of-life sit-down, parents should chat about teen pregnancy, contraception, and intercourse whenever the opportunity arises. Considering the content of most magazines, films and TV shows, this will happen hourly in most households.

These recommendations reveal two entirely different approaches - and not just because of subject matter. One is based on the idea imparting knowledge, instilling a world view and treating children with respect and care. By talking to kids regularly - in a "no big deal" way - about sex we give them the tools to understand the world and themselves, and allow them time to mature.

The other approach, for under 5s, is based on the idea that children should meet targets, hit (arbitrarily created) goals and basically hew to a curriculum that bleeds out all natural learning. Preschoolers should be learning how to get along in a social group, how to control their frustration and anger, how to be empathetic. They're ripe for exuberantly exploring the world.

If toddlers need a curriculum, this should be it, not a list of targets that teach children to perform, whether they enjoy it or not.

(Image from thetrial, on Flickr)

Comments

[Counsel]

A question to those who say pornography or nudity objectifies women and makes men "think naughty thoughts:"

Just because it makes you objectify women and think "naughty thoughts" doesn't mean nudity makes everyone think as you do...

Please don't tell me that YOU don't think that way but know OTHERS do... Why do you think you are so much more "civilized" than everyone else?

Nudity is nudity. Sex is sex. If you are nude, you are not "having sex." It is those of you who think "nudity" is a problem that leads to the creation of the new "padded" cardboard bras that show no nipple due to that being a "bad" thing. Next, we will be covering up all of our big noses and skin so that others won't see "that" part of us...

Acceptance of what is normal to be human would be nice to see without people associating one thing (like nudity) with another thing (like sex) when the two are not directly linked to each other...

If a parent on this board thinks we should NOT talk to kids about sex and similar topics, do you think you got accurate and good information from your friends? If not, why not from your parents? Oh, right... You are playing their tape that says, "I can't talk to my kids about THAT..."

Rather, you should be talking to your kids to show that you are a better parent than your parent is/was. We inherit some problems form our parents--those abused often abuse. We need to think what is appropriate and would help our children rather than what is so "comfortable" for us.

Parenthood--a serious responsibility that is not always a comfortable place... Yet, nothing will make you prouder if you do the job well...

[Daniel Howard]

Although young adults have an overwhelming preoccupation with sex, young children prior to puberty need to be as children and not be introduced to these issues until they are in the right age and feeling these urges. Finding out about sex at a very young age will necessarily confuse children because they are not physically equipped to understand. It cannot be helpful to their well being and happiness. They need to be children.

[C]

Children should know about sex from the earliest age possible, it is in my opinion the best defense against abuse. As that is most likely to occur within either a friend's or the family home, and most likely go unreported. Children should also be taught how to treat other people from the earliest age possible, intimacy issues are then unlikely to arise. Children need also to be taught about consequences, that actions create reactions and how to make those reactions positive.
What a pleasant world this could be.

[Julie]

I shall never forget a conversation with my squeamish nine year old son. He was asking about the purpose of the contraceptive pill (thank you, the Simpsons!). When I explained, he was horrified: "Surely Mummy - if you don't want a baby, then you don't need to have sex."

Clearly it's a hideous activity - which one has to suffer in order to have a baby. And, equally clearly, talking about sex relatively freely in front of children doesn't necessarily make it very attractive to them. I guess this supports the notion that if you answer their questions, without thrusting information down their throats, they'll take from it what they need and can handle at the time. If you're embarrassed to talk about it - then they'll pick that up too.

[supermother]

Depends on your family. My father was a psychiatrist so of course we talked about sex. My mother did the diagrams on the black board and home in the 60s showing a vagina, vulva etc. I remember the talk about menstruation and rushing off to tell our 5 year old younger brother all about it.

I think it's easier for smaller children to pick things up from normal conversation (not forgetting the role of South Park... only half joking over that by the way...) than talking to much older children about it who know everything anyway. My 3 at university stage I imagine know all they need to know.

On the nusery curriculum issue the main problem is they are going to impse this on prviate schools which is a breacho f parents' human rights and a fundamental right of English law to choose how and where your children are educated without interference from the Government. By all means let the 94% of children stuck in state schools be subject to some ridiculous form ticking exercise but I certainly don't want to pay fees for the privilege of Labour imposing silly rules on my children.

[cynicalmummy]

Conversing with your teenager about sex is an extremely useful technique for a parent. Give them a choice between an in depth sex discussion or doing chores and helping around the house and sit back and never hoover up again :)

[Richard Whitney]

But Andie, for a father to leave their son to make their own way in the sexual wilderness is criminal. Boys should be taught, by their father, that sex is something to be cherished (as is one's virginity), and that sinking into the cultural norm of pornography (which severley degrades women- it is often the case that men compare having sex with their actual wife to the virtual women they've seen in porn films. When they don't match up to the virtual, they blame the wife) is detrimental to their development. Is it really manly to hop about from bed to bed supposedly showing sexual prowess to woo "the lads" into thinking he's the man, when actually in the process they leave the woman feeling dejected when they eventually part (even if they are just "sex buddies"). No wonder girls hark after romantic comedies. Can we blame them, when in reality they're often left with a sexually immature and childish boyfriend (if I can honour them with that title) who cannot handle his own hormones?
Like I said originally, often parents, and particularly fathers need to come to terms with their own mistakes in life in order to deal properly with their child's future.

[Andie]

No they shouldn't, because then the children will turn out just like their dad, thinknig about sex every 10 mins... and then food, or football. It's so easy to figure out men, simple creatures that they are. Sex should only be talked about when the question/situation arises... otherwise hand them a biology book and find a private tutor for a few weeks.

[Andie]

No they shouldn't, because then the children will turn out just like their dad, thinknig about sex every 10 mins... and then food, or football. It's so easy to figure out men, simple creatures that they are. Sex should only be talked about when the question/situation arises... otherwise hand them a biology book and find a private tutor for a few weeks.

[Andie]

No they shouldn't, because then the children will turn out just like their dad, thinknig about sex every 10 mins... and then food, or football. It's so easy to figure out men, simple creatures that they are. Sex should only be talked about when the question/situation arises... otherwise hand them a biology book and find a private tutor for a few weeks.

[Delilah]

Actually, Richard, I think the lack of a shared moral framework makes it even more important for parents to talk about sex etc with their children from an early age. If parents are confused or unsure on moral matters themselves, they need to share the reasons with their children (in an age-appropriate way) so the children can benefit from their experience rather than repeating it when developing their own moral framework. While agreeing generally with the "answer questions reasonably asked" policy, I do think parents also have an obligation to create conversations that make asking these questions easy; and the earlier the age these conversations start, the better.

The other taboo area that is rarely discussed at home but should be is money. How much money does Mummy earn? Does she earn more than Daddy? Are we rich? Why not? etc etc etc. Even more likely to be shut off quickly if started in public!

[Dave Farmer]

Teaching children the Birds and bees from an early age must be preferential to leaving them to the mercy of peers and media who will only get it wrong. Best to come from the trust of mum and dad and perhaps the last term of primary school ready for the rude awakening in secondary school!

[Richard Whitney]

Parents just telling their children about sex is not going to solve the fact that they still might behave irresponsibly. Children right up to the end of their teens, and often beyond, are still at risk from being led astray by pushy friends and the media. Parents must, by all means tell them about sex (this won't take long), but most importantly, about the damage it can do if misused (and I don't just mean misused to mean teenage pregnancy).
I think parents often ought to realise that they are often not best qualified to talk to their own children about how to use sex. Some would let their children do what they did as children because "that's what kids do". Whether what the parents did as children was right or wrong is immaterial in this case, and as a result so many young children make the same mistakes as their parents because they were ill informed. Parents are encouraged these days to teach their children about sex within the parametres of their own relative moral framework. The problem with this is that one's own view of right and wrong differs from another (often radically), and whilst arguing, children are still getting hurt.
Untill we can actually come to an agreement about a common moral framework within which we ALL work, then I suspect the problem of telling one's children about sex becomes a great deal easier. (I needn't remind us here that there is already a universal moral framework to work within. But since many now think Christianity is dated, and irrelevant, maybe we'll never get this sorted. Parents will make the same mistakes, and their children will never learn).

[RW]

The best one for me was when on a car journey with three friends, one of them, a PE teacher mentioned that he was responsible for sex ed that year. My six-year-old piped up, "I know what sex is, Mum. But what's education?" I was a teacher at the time.

[neil]

Andy - when has anyone ( in the last 100years) ever said use lead pipe for water?

[Andy]

Stop telling people what to think, say and do. Eat eggs - no don't eat eggs, use lead pipe for water - no don't use lead pipe for water. Allow people to think for themselves.

[Jo]

The deal in my family is – they ask, I answer. I reckon children ask questions when they want to know – it’s not always been at convenient times. One of mine (aged about 5) said on a bus full of pensioners “Mummy that man’s got a ***** hasn’t he?” to which I replied “I expect so”. She then went on to say “And that lady’s got a ***** hasn’t she?” so I gave the same response. Fortunately for me all the old folk saw the funny side of it.

Imagine my horror when a few months later she started again “Mummy that man’s… except she went on to say he was wearing a hat – big sigh of relief from me.
Somehow mine learnt that it was better to discuss certain topics at home!

Things are always discussed at the dinner table and no topic is off bounds. My policy is to give honest and straightforward answers (tailored to the child’s age and understanding) with no embellishment. I keep my moral opinions and/or judgements to myself unless asked for – hoping and trusting that moral standards are being learnt from family example and values.
Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) for me the result is that they bring home their troubles, their friends and jokes and anecdotes from school and elsewhere – some are rude most are not. I guess I am a sounding board these days.

So, for me, a parent’s role in their children’s sex education is to follow the child i.e. impart information when asked but not to present them with information.

I must add that I resent government micro-interference in family life by insisting that children receive sex education at school and am concerned:
First, that by calling it sex and relationship education, the government has got the balance wrong. It should be “relationship education”.
Second, intimate information is something exchanged between trusted confidants and/or family. A teacher probably doesn’t fall into that category.
Third, some children are not ready for this information at that point in their lives (this is for parents to gauge this not government).
Fourth, some children are embarrassed in front of teachers and their peers.

In my opinion, sex education, as with so much else in a child’s upbringing, is the family’s responsibility – if you’re not ready to answer questions (no matter how embarrassing) then you’re not ready to be a parent.

[Hayley]

Whatever happened to plain old common sense when educating our kids? Surely we don't need curriculums to pass on nuggets of wisdom to our children.

I fear for parents who believe they need a curriculum to help their kids learn about the intricacies of sex.

Come the natural time, in our home, for such conversations we too will discard the dishwasher for the hands on washing up scenario.

[Delilah]

Err - so if not then, when?

S-E-X (spelled) comes up quite a lot in conversations with my 11-year-old daughter, usually with a horrified "ew"; but poorly-concealed interest in the information. The 9 and 6 year olds don't bother to conceal their interest and are often chief interrogators. Examples:

Mum's/Dad's/Granny's/Aunties' Disastrous and Unsatisfactory Love Affairs (with particular observations on Adrenaline and The Pointless Trauma of First Lurve);
When Grandma Eloped with Granddad;
Why Did Granny Have Four Husbands?
Why Isn't Jesse's Dad Living with Jesse's Mom No More;
Our Neighbours Who Knew The Bobbetts (sorry if you're too young to remember this story)
Why People Have Abortions and How to Avoid Them;
Animal S-E-X (covers everything from rape to infanticide to multiple partners to single parenthood and adultery. Especially if you know as much about mites as I do).

We do this a lot over dinner. In fact, who would miss dinner, with all this to discuss? but during the washing up is a better for time for more personal issues (enforced proximity, limited eye contact, busy hands). Car journeys almost as good, but can lead to dangerous manouevres and missed turnings.

[Diana Groves]

Not only is it parents that have bad timing with what they say kids do too. I remember a particularly embarrassing moment at the supermarket check out. It is really difficult to have a conversation about sex and the facts of life when the rest of the queue is listening.

[Namy]

Honestly now, worst sex talk moments with your mum/dad/older parental-like figure? Mine was definitely age about 22 - I had my first job and was visiting my parents back home when in the car, casually, on our way home from some mother/daughter shopping and while chatting about my plans for the evening which involved me meeting up with my oldest friend, who also happens to be male and bald... my mother says to me, "yes, bald men are definitely best in bed. I think it's because they have more testosterone, or perhaps because they have more to prove...." And continued in this vein for the ENTIRE trip from the shops to their house. This entire conversation was made worse by fact that my father has a full head of hair and only went entirely white at about 65!!!

[Gipsy]

So glad you're not my mum J!

[j]

surely the perfect time is in front of all their friends?

[Namy]

"parents should chat about teen pregnancy, contraception and, intercourse whenever the opportunity arises." Whenever the opportunity arises?!? Over dinner? While watching the end of a James Bond movie? My teenage self, buried deep in my 30 plus year old psyche is screaming, breaking out in hives and considering taking up smoking as stress relief.