Men-only families gaining ground

While Guy might be a beleagured father, families headed by dads are getting more support in society. Single men are being encouraged to adopt and gay couples get the nod now too. Tories want to remove the stigma of inter-racial couples adopting as well.

Does this herald an opening of the British mind or is it more a function of the state of adoption, that after years of tightening regulations (no smoking if you want to adopt), the state is waking up to the number of children who need to find homes?

Comments

[LM]

Btw, Hi Eluned! It's been a while. How are things?

[LM]

SM,

In the US these days, most adoptions of American babies seem to be open adoptions, where contact with the birth family remains - sometimes, literally, for life. Wouldn't that help with making adoption more palatable?

I had friends as a child who were fostered for the long-term (until adulthood) and two of the siblings chose to be adopted by their foster parents once they were over 18.

[PIPKIN]

Supermother says:
I think it's wonderful there are virtually no new white healthy babies to adopt in the UK. It's because unlike the 1950s there's no stigma attached to being an unmarried mother.
Pipkin says:
I think the lack of young babies to adopt has more to do with the 180k or so abortions that are carried out each year in the UK. That's a fair number of adoptable babies being lost.

[supermother]

I suppose the ideal situation is where all parents are sufficiently supported that their children stay with them. I think it's wonderful there are virtually no new white healthy babies to adopt in the UK. It's because unlike the 1950s there's no stigma attached to being an unmarried mother. It was appalling in the days when all those girls had to give up their babies.

I was just musing over whether we should have long term fostering and not adoption because then there's a better chance the child might have more contact with its parents and given the cases we've had which disgust me where a UK father who didn't know he had a child suddenly finds the mother can have it adopted - it's obscene that we should ever allow that. If permanent adoption were banned then that miscarriage of justice woudlnt' apply. Once adoption goes through - it's too late and you cannot right the wrongs.

[ww]

There are undoubtedly men who just want to have children. There are those who go to great lengths to have children via surrogacy (donor egg, surrogate mother), but it is a far easier process in the US than it is here.

[KM]

Supermother, I think that the difference between adoption and fostering is that most kids would rather have a "mum" and a "dad" (or a dad and a dad, or a mum and a mum, or just one of either) than "someone who is going to look after you whilst you grow up."
That is the difference, as is the level of state interference between fostering and adoption - adopters have a much freer hand with their children, which I'd expect you to be pleased about, given you don't like State interference in these things!

[jnrdoctor]

Concerns about gay parents (particularly gay dads) seems to focus on fears that children will either grow up to be gay (if you follow the logic there it would suggest that children brought up by hetrosexual parents will be straight, which is clearly not true) or that children might get teased - in which case we should also ban fat people, ginger people, people with funny names, people with big noses, people with bad dress sense or a rubbish car from adopting. Children tease each other over a whole range of things- having two hetrosexual parents is hardly a guarantee they won't be teased.

[LM]

I'm puzzled by SM's assertion that full adoption seems to be an untruth.

Firstly - what does "full adoption" mean? Does it mean closed adoption (traditional method where no contact was maintained with birth family) or open adoption (which is more common nowadays, at least in the US?)

Secondly - if the family is open from the start about how the child is adopted, how can this be an untruth? This sounds dangerously like stating that the value in being/becoming a parent is the conceiving and giving birth, and that none of the parenting counts. Certainly all of the adopted friends I've known who've discussed this have stated that their adopted parents were their "real" parents, as they made the commitment to them & brought them up. (Not a statistical sample, but half a dozen or so people).

[Eluned]

I'm sure that many single parents do a fantastic job. When my father died my mother coped amazingly with the eight children he left her with and if something happened to me or my husband we'd do ok but it wouldn't be ideal, it would be surviving. Ideal would be two parents of each sex being around until the children at least reached adulthood and adopted children deserve us to try our hardest to replicate that ideal for them. Of course being adopted by anyone is preferable to being in care and I think if the choice is between a single parent and a children's home then the answer is obvious but let's not kid ourselves that single parent families are 'just as good' because evidence shows they generally do worse.

Also David, not that I'm trying to excuse it or anything but I think women are responsible for more physical abuse because they simply spend more time with children than men. If men did most of the child rearing the stats would tell a different story.

[Hol]

I'm glad that these old stigmas are starting to fall away. Single dads can do just as well as single mums, house husbands are just as effective as housewives, gay couples can parent perfectly well (none of this ridiculous "gay couples will bring up gay children and start an epidemic" rubbish) and being a different colour from your adoptive parents means nothing when you are loved and cared for. Families come in all shapes and forms but so long as a child is loved and cared for, that's what matters. The adoption system needs to start recognising that.

[David]

Amy, how very unsurprising to see a woman opposing men adopting on the grounds that all men should be suspected as child molestors.

Men are respsible for more sexual abuse of children but WOMEN are responsible for more physical abuse, according to many studies including one recently by the NSPCC. I bet that wouldn't make you even think about opposing adoption by single women.

[supermother]

First of all no one gets to adopt a baby in the UK , just about, unlike the US. So we're talking about older children, often groups of siblings and often with problems, mental or physical whom no one really wants. As something like 3% of children in care go to university only but 25% are abused there or whatever the stats are in general they are much better adopted by just about anyone than in care.

My sister had to pay for her IVF because she's a single mother but wouldn't have had to as a couple. I have ended up on my own with 5 children not through choice although my sons have good male role models. In other words we cannot be sure what will happen even in a conventional marriage. I know a gay couple who have recently adopted and they would make very good parents, I'm sure.

But I also know how much other children tease children if just about anything is unusual about a family so I suspect if most 10 year olds were asked if they wanted to be adopted by a gay couple or a straight couple they'd probably go for the latter. Although if it were staying in care or the former they'd probably go for the former.

I'm not so sure I believe in full adoption at all actually. IT seems to be removed from reality, in a sense an untruth. Could we not just have very long term fosterings?

[LM]

I think if you're a gay couple who adopt, you have a responsibility to your child to ensure there are opposite gender role models who are closely involved in the family: uncles/aunts/grandparents. But this should also be the case if you're a single parent - surely whether divorced, widowed, separated or a single parent through choice from the start, you'll want to ensure your child has relationships with role models of both genders?

Not in this position myself, so hope this doesn't come across as patronising as it's not intended that way, but I do think it's important for children to have role models of both genders - whatever gender they are themselves.

(I'm not opposed to gay people adopting, by any means.)

[Whimsey]

Can't see what the fuss is about - any loving parent is better than no loving parent. End of story. It's love and affection and support and safety and emotional nourishment that a child needs primarily - if they can get it from the good old traditional nuclear family, great, but if not, then 'anything is better than nothing' - pace, of course, that the adopter is not, as has been said, some kind of paedophile/abuser.

I'm personally not that keen on gay couples having children, and if they do, I think it's best if it's done in conjunction with another gay couple of the opposite gender (ie, conceived with each other's partner, presumably via AI), so there is, effectively, an extended family of both genders.

But a child in a care home would surely welcome being adopted by a gay couple, or a single person, or anyone at all who could provide a stable, safe and loving home for them. Stands to reason. Think of Goodnight Mr Tom - fantastic book.

[mumoftwo]

I shouldn't think there are millions of single men who would like to adopt and parent alone...in my experience most men are motivated to have children with a particular person (usually when in the lovey dovey stage) rather than just a general desire to look after children on a daily basis. There may be exceptions to the rule, however, and of course they would have something to offer, particularly to older boys who may be hard to place (though I would think a couple would be more ideal). I don't think many single women want to adopt on their own though, come to think about it...

[SingleParentDad]

Society does stare a little, but this should be looked at individual by individual. A man should not be discounted just because of his dangly bits. If you're fit to adopt, then you're fit to adopt. And when deciding if a couple is suitable for adoption, do the powers at be look at disaster planning, like if one of the parents dies or their relationship ends?

[Tim]

Well, maybe Amy. But let's not forget the latest case from Haringey in which the mother was complicit. As a father who pursued his career with his first child, and is now putting second child first, I can vouch for the fact that society seems reluctant to acknowledge the male role in infant upbringing. But, oh.... the thing's I'd have missed if Charlie had gone straight to nursery. They're life-affirming, life-enhacing moments like no other I can think of. And Charlie's getting a secure, male role-model so many children (boys especially) seem the lack. More should be done to allow dads to stay at home.

[Amy Davies]

I don't think that race or sexuality matter at all in regards to adoption. My concern over the single father issue is firstly that it would be best for a child to have two parents (parents I know who are single or widowed find it difficult to play 'good cop, bad cop' as a single parent).

Secondly that there are predatory (usually males, sorry) people out there who develop relationships with single mothers in order to gain access to their children. This would give them access to children. I know there are checks but such people are very good at disguising their nature.