10 divorce tips for women

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house," the seven-times-divorced Zsa Zsa Gabor reportedly said. But the break up of a marriage for most women is a lot more emotionally wrenching and financially trying than Gabor's proclamation implies.

We're now in the season for it. Along with new diets and new year's resolutions, divorce is popular this month, with up to 50 per cent more couples deciding to separate than at any other time. "I have more new clients calling up in the first of January than any other time of the year," says Juliette Mace, partner and head of the Matrimonial department at Quastel Midgen, a firm based in the West End. Even in December, Mace says, some clients book in January appointments. "They want to get Christmas over with. Then with the new year, their mind will turn back to resolving issues that have been troubling them."

With debt heightening tensions, the Local Government Association predicted that this year "could be worse than ever". ChildLine is bracing itself for a spike in calls from children caught in the middle.

If divorce is on the cards for your relationship, the best you can hope for is to make it as painless as possible for everyone. Mace suggests these strategies to save time, money and more hurt feelings.

1. Search your soul. Consider whether your marriage has irretrievably broken down or is just going through a rough patch. "Divorce isn't nice. It can be traumatic for everybody, expensive and difficult for the children," says Mace. Would counselling sort things out, are you prepared for life without your spouse and will you regret it later? Ask yourself the tough questions now.
 
2. If you're sure, see a family solicitor early. It might sound combative to march off to the nearest law firm, but a professional can advise on the process and your rights. "You can talk to your girlfriends but you're going to get a lot of conflicting advice," Mace says. "What happened to your friend might not be what will happen to you." 
 
3. Research your lawyer. You want one with fees you can afford, who has experience with divorce proceedings. Good places to start are the Law Society, which provides advice and lists solicitors; Resolution is a family law association that provides advice and lists members.

4. Get the financial paperwork in order. "That's like your homework," Mace says, and it's the first step, even BEFORE you see a solicitor. Go armed with bank statements, mortgage paperwork, information about investments and, if possible, about your husband's situation as well.

5. Don't involve the children. Duh. Everybody says they won't but it still happens. Don't talk about the divorce or your husband in a bad light, don't confide in the kids as you would your friends, and don't use the children as a pawn. While saying, "Fine, I'll move to Greenland and you'll never see them again" might be momentarily satisfying, that attitude ultimately most hurts the children.

6. Try and look at the bigger picture. "You'll waste a lot of money on legal fees if you fight over the contents of the house. My advice is start again," says Mace. "A lot of people tend to go on principle - 'the other person's not going to have that because I bought it.'" Harry in When Harry Met Sally probably describes this phenomenon best, "This $8 dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours." The upshot: save money. Don't fight about the dish.

7. Don't use your solicitor as a counsellor. When you phone or meet have a list of items to discuss. Avoid your soliloquy about how you've been wronged. Your therapist, your family and your friends are better suited to listen and they're a lot cheaper, even factoring in the cocktails.

8. Understand spousal maintenance. Unlike child maintenance, it's not based on a simple calculation. It will be influenced by monthly needs and your household income, and both men and women can pay it. "Your solicitor will want you to do a budget of what you need every month, running a car, your shopping, travel, food. Then it will depend on what your husband's income is," she says. "Go through your bank statements. It's amazing to see what you do spend your money on in a month.

"In an ideal world the court would like a clean break, because [the two people] can both move on with their lives," she says. A clean break means "there isn't maintenance at all, just a clean break of the assets." The ex gets a lump sum and has to invest to get an income.

9. Keep an eye on costs. You can tell your solicitor to alert you when his or her fees reach a certain level. You can also do your part - perform the donkey work like gathering documents or information so your solicitor isn't clocking up hours doing it; consolidate your questions and make one succinct phone call instead of a flurry of unfocussed ones; and if possible, sort out issues with your soon-to-be-ex directly so all that's left is to instruct your respective soliticitors.

10. Try not to be impulsive. If you rush decisions - and there are plenty to go round during divorce - it can distort your judgment. This is probably the most important time to set aside emotion. "Although it's a painful process, try to think with your head and not with your heart in a divorce," Mace says.

Comments

[henry]

Lawyers from opposing camps will have the final chance to convince the jury

during the closing arguments. Typically, the prosecution will prove guilt

while the defense will argue innocence. Then, the judge will give

instructions to the jury.
It’s now time for deliberation and conclusion. Some cases will take a few

minutes while some take a few days. Upon reaching the verdict, the courtroom

clerk will read it aloud.
With this process, it would be unwise to hire a lawyer who doesn’t specialize

in DUI law. And don’t even try to defend yourself. A DUI charge is a serious

matter and should be given to the hands of the expert.

=========================
henrymaquli
Divorce Lawyer

[mahesh420]

We want to be in control because it lessens the guilt which is the working mother’s constant companion. And so we spend our weekends not only cooking nutritious dinners for the freezer so that our children will eat home-cooked weekday suppers even when we’re stuck in the office, but hosting sleepovers so we get to know their friends and supervising homework because we never manage to do that in the working week.
----------------
mahesh420
Divorce Lawyer-Divorce Lawyer

[Michael]

I always feel the best thing about being a grown-up is you can do whatever you want. You just have to choose what you want. I am amazed and sad at how many people feel trapped, scared and angry about their lives and blame others for that. You only get one life. Live it.

[mumoftwo]

LM, I find Gottman's work really interesting and spot on. I wouldn't like myself and my husband to be at a dinner party with him though! I know he's trying to get away from a deterministic model of marriage, in other words, that you can work on and build in the good points, but it does come easier to some than others. He'd suss out our weak spots straight away!

But incredibly good reading (it deconstructs how you get to the divorce stage) if you are interested in relationships, and he doesn't go down the 'all arguments are bad' route (good for us!)

[LM]

HopefulOutlook,

You make some good points, saying some of what I was trying to but far more cogently. Hopefully you will never get to the point of not being able to put up with any more. I believe most marriages go through awful patches at some times and some people are just more likely/able/inclined to stick them out when other people are more likely/able/inclined to leave and start over on their own (neither option being easy, depending on the relationship, and of course some situations, particularly abusive, you should just leave, but many situations are agony but not dangerous in that way).

John Gottmann, the American psychologist, has done some really interesting research on the statistics of marriage and can tell within minutes of observing a couple whether they'll be together forever or not, based on how they communicate. Worth a look, especially if you're reviewing your relationship.

[JCCresswell]

Any man considering marriage under the present system is not mentally competent.
Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

[hopefuloutlook]

You have been together since you were 14?

Mumoftwo: you are perceptive. That is more or less the situation. Re your final question, no, I have toughened up a lot since this experience. As Jarrad suggested, it has affected the marriage. I'm no longer so idealistic or naive.

Maybe that is the difference between a marriage that survives and one that doesn't. To survive, you have to overlook things that are bad. It's not that some people's marriages are more perfect than others, it's a question of how much you are prepared to live with. One of my friends told me this after her split. She said, "You just haven't yet come to the place where you are not prepared to put up with things any more."

[liz]

i have been with my husband for 36 years, and followed him around the world from job to job, from country to country, in that time we had 2 children, who are now very confused with who they are and where they belong, he also had at least 1 affair in each country we lived in, and when it went wrong we left .. i am now 50 and have seen the light, all i ask for is a home that is myn and i can stay in for the rest of my days, and a income to support me, i gave up my career for him, i am not asking for much, its all really painful

[LM]

Thanks, Mo2 - I appreciate it. :)

I did actually see one of the articles elsewhere in The Times over Christmas and thought it was good. When I read this article though, it occurred to me that a positive approach, perhaps with a link back to that article would be a nicer way to start the year's conversations (and focus). After all, AM has done this with other issues in the past. Then again, "How to Stay Married Successfully" is always going to be less controversial, and therefore generate less web traffic, than "How to Divorce Successfully". (I've wondered how much of the type of article on AM is driven by web traffic, actually, rather than by pure journalistic freedom/judgement/interest).

[mumoftwo]

Good if you like him, bad if you don't, I guess! As many people on here have already said, the reality of divorce unless you truly hate the other person and just can't live another second in their presence is just awful. You don't get two big houses out of one house and shuffling children between residences is hard work, even without considering the emotional fall-out. I'm guessing your husband was going through a discontent period, but when the reality of losing his home and assets and custody of children (and you) was presented to him, he thought harder about staying, and perhaps this let him ride on through the rough patch onto better times. Or not. Either way, are you not a bit worried he might have the 'divorce' thought again?

[Hol]

If it's actually encouraged him to genuinely re-evaluate the marriage and make an effort to improve things it may still have done some good despite a nasty start, if he's now thought better of that original attitude. If however he's just sitting there seething that he'd divorce you if only he didn't like his money so much then I'd take Jarrad's advice!!

[Jarrad]

So your husband told you that the reason the two of you are still married is purely so that he's not out of pocket?

Other factors aside (children etc) I'd say this is a bad outcome and I wonder how there can ever be trust between you again?

I also wonder whether this gives you grounds for divorce yourself and that perhaps you should relieve him of "his" assets anyway.

[hopefuloutlook]

The comments say it all, if anyone is thinking of consulting a divorce lawyer, think again.

On the other hand, three years ago my husband came clean that he'd been to see a lawyer behind my back about getting a divorce. The lawyer told him he'd lose half his assets (which are considerable). He stuck it out, and only told me months later.

The question is, would you class this as a good outcome or a bad one?

[Hol]

Nazism? We're comparing advice on divorce to the genocidal anti-Semitic campaign of the Nazis purely because the pronouns are female? They could just as easily be replaced with male or unisex ones and still say exactly the same! It wouldn't be misogynistic if it was aimed at men and talking about checking into your wife's finances either, the advice is all pure common sense. Heck, much of the advice actually discourages animosity or pointless spats with the soon to be ex husband; how is it misandry to suggest trying to co-operate with the male of the species?

Some people are so quick to invoke Nazism comparisons and analogies - not only is it very poor debate/reasoning technique (it's basically just an attempt to demonise the opposing view), it cheapens a massive human tragedy to compare its perpetrators to a bit of petty divorce squabbling as if they're even remotely in the same realm. I'm sure that's not the intent, but it's the effect.

[Jarrad]

I thought that the Zsa Zsa Gabor quote was an obvious joke to lighten the subject a little because, let's face it, who would seriously take advice from a woman who changed her husbands like dirty shoes?

I would also like to apologise to O Learned One for suggesting that he might be a scum-sucking parasite. I have done you a disservice, Sir.

As you know, LM, I am terminally single and the festive period has done nothing to resolve this, but let's face it, you'll always be worried that I'll be dreaming of Caitlin.... it'll never work...

[mumoftwo]

Leo, I'd also add that your examples are rubbish. You quote the phrase "If divorce is on the cards for your relationship, the best you can hope for is to make it as painless as possible for everyone." How is this 'against men'?! There's nothing about gender in it and it applies equally to men and women thinking about divorce, as does your point that it may be better to think twice about divorce in the first place.

As for gathering information about yours and your husband's finances, presumably this applies to men too: get details of your wife's finances as it will be relevant when making an application. Given that women earn more than men in a significant proportion of marriages now (true for many women on this site, certainly), it cannot always be assumed that the man is the higher earner and will be the one paying maintenance. Women in the UK tend to 'do better' on divorce due to mostly having custody of the children and needing to house them (as others have said): personally I would like to see this default to a 50/50 custody model unless there are reasons otherwise.

I think you are looking for misandry where little exists. The point by LM about the negative tone of the article was much better, although the main Times has produced two such 'make your relationship better' articles recently which were actually quite good!!

[Jennifer Howze]

I'm surprised at how many people have read misandry into this piece. Providing information about your husband's financial situation doesn't imply in any way that you need to snoop in his private files under cover of dark. Plenty of couples share their financial information to smooth the divorce process for themselves.

It's also not a piece about marriage counseling or how to decide whether your relationship can be saved. Some marriages end and a bigger proportion of them end in January than any other time of year. Better to be armed with the facts when they do.

[Lisa]

Leo,

Anyone who knows anything about debating knows that once you equate something to Nazism which is not even remotely related (such as this) you have lost the argument.

Divorce is horrible. I am passionately for equality between men and women, and no one should be screwed over as the result of divorce. To equate a Nazi newspaper publishing pro-Holocaust propaganda with a bit of advice aiming to help women during the breakdown of a marriage is deeply offensive.

[Leo]

"The men over here are overreacting to this. The article is aimed at women so obviously it won't direct advice at men!"

This argument misses the point (deliberately, I suspect). Just because an article is written for a predominately female audience doesn't excuse misandry, just as one written for a male audience doesn't excuse misogyny. Isn't it interesting how those of the feminazi tendency are quick to condemn what they perceive to be negative media portrayals of their own sex (e.g. in 'lads' mags'), yet defend negative media portrayals of men simply on the grounds that they're not intended for a male audience?

Let's look a bit more carefully at some of the statements in this article. The opening quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor, of course, speaks for itself.

"If divorce is on the cards for your relationship, the best you can hope for is to make it as painless as possible for everyone."

Not 'If divorce is on the cards, consider whether it's really necessary, or even if I'm part of the problem and could be part of a solution'. The women reading this are being encouraged to simply walk away from their marriage, regardless of the emotional and financial pain it'll inflict on their husbands (and, if applicable, children).

"Go to [a solicitor] armed with information [about] your husband's finances as well."

So it's absolutely fine to go behind the back of your husband, in effect stealing confidential documents from him. And by implication, it's fine for women to behave deceptively and dishonestly in order to extract the most financially advantageous deal from their ex-es, because (implied but unsaid), they will inevitably be out to get you.

These are just three examples of the poisonously anti-male tone of this article. As for the claim that men aren't supposed to be reading it and that's alright, the Völkischer Beobachter wasn't intended to be sold in synagogues either, but that doesn't make the stuff it printed any more acceptable.

[O Learned One]

Hi, its me again (the friendly divorce barrister). In response to the person who asked me how I sleep at night, I say this:

Every solicitor and barrister encourages their clients to settle the case. If we didn't, word would soon get out and we'd destroy our professional reputations and would go out of business. We are professionally obligated to advise our clients what is the best option for them, and what is appropruate level to settle at. To give this advice properly takes a highly trained professional doing a very difficult and technical job which takes years of experience to perfect.

So, to all those people complaining about lawyers' fees I say this: If you resent the fees so much, just don't get a lawyer. Please feel free to do it yourselves. There is no law that says you have to get a lawyer, so don't. There is plenty of literature out there if you fancy doing it yourselves.

The fees you pay lawyers are commensurate with the intellect, training and experience that you are paying for. Yes you normally need us at a horrible time in your lives, but lawyers exist because people WANT them to exist during those horrible times.

We don't enjoy the fact that you are going through a divorce, but its our job to guide you through it, and much as we'd love to take on every case for no fee at all, we can't. This is our job. This is how we put food on the table and pay the gas bill.

So... once again. If you feel aggrived at paying large fees for lawyers, feel free not to. Getting angry at lawyers fees is as silly as getting angry at Gucci for 'forcing' you to spend £500 on a handbag. It's your choice.

However - bear this in mind: When I want my toilet fixing, I call a plumber. He charges me £60 just to come to my house for heaven's sake! Why don't I just fix the toilet myself? After all, how hard can it be? I call the plumber, and pay his exorbitant fees, because if I tried to fix the toilet myself I'd be knee-deep in sh*t!

Do I ask my plumber 'how do you sleep at night'? Of course I don't. Why? BECAUSE I CALLED HIM.

Apply this principle to your lawyers and maybe you will feel better about paying their fees.

God speed to you all...

[ww]

I strongly second the poster who complained about the lack of even a mention of mediation. When I divorced my first husband, we elected to use mediation rather than go to court and the result was infinitely less painful, less expensive and much, much quicker than it would have been if we had fought it out in court. We were all done and dusted in exactly 4 months (from my first visit to a solicitor to decree absolute), despite quite desperately upsetting circumstances. This meant that our daughter suffered far less trauma than would otherwise have been the case. More publicity for mediation, please.

[LM]

Jennifer - Wouldn't it have been a more positive spin to produce an article that said:

"This is the season of the year when most divorces are initiated. If you're on the fence, here are some reasons why divorce sucks (effect on children, effect on you, financial) and some top tips from family counsellors on how to keep your relationship together and work through the difficulties".

You could talk about John Gottman's research into relationships, you could post links to Relate, you could talk about people who've been to the edge with their relationships and pulled it back and remained committed to each other (most of us who are married for a long time have been through such periods - it's inevitable and it's also why the traditional marriage vows make you promise "for better or worse").

It would have been a far more positive spin on the issue, as well as providing fewer opportunities for the misogynist trolls to come out and bash women again.

That said, Jarrad - if I ever get divorced, can I marry you? I promise not to talk about pocket fluff or exes or even ex-pocket fluff.

[Sasha]

F, one does not have to stay at home to be a good mother. Get real.

[Sasha]

The men over here are overreacting to this. The article is aimed at women so obviously it won't direct advice at men!

[TheRedHookian]

Whoever studies less, works less and earns less comes on top in case of a divorce. Maintenance is simply medieval, like Saudi-Arabian-medieval; it simply makes one spouse the charge of the other even after the divorce. Marry your equal, get a prenup or don't marry at all.