10 divorce tips for women
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house," the seven-times-divorced Zsa Zsa Gabor reportedly said. But the break up of a marriage for most women is a lot more emotionally wrenching and financially trying than Gabor's proclamation implies.
We're now in the season for it. Along with new diets and new year's resolutions, divorce is popular this month, with up to 50 per cent more couples deciding to separate than at any other time. "I have more new clients calling up in the first of January than any other time of the year," says Juliette Mace, partner and head of the Matrimonial department at Quastel Midgen, a firm based in the West End. Even in December, Mace says, some clients book in January appointments. "They want to get Christmas over with. Then with the new year, their mind will turn back to resolving issues that have been troubling them."
With debt heightening tensions, the Local Government Association predicted that this year "could be worse than ever". ChildLine is bracing itself for a spike in calls from children caught in the middle.
If divorce is on the cards for your relationship, the best you can hope for is to make it as painless as possible for everyone. Mace suggests these strategies to save time, money and more hurt feelings.
1. Search your soul. Consider whether your marriage has irretrievably broken down or is just going through a rough patch. "Divorce isn't nice. It can be traumatic for everybody, expensive and difficult for the children," says Mace. Would counselling sort things out, are you prepared for life without your spouse and will you regret it later? Ask yourself the tough questions now.
2. If you're sure, see a family solicitor early. It might sound combative to march off to the nearest law firm, but a professional can advise on the process and your rights. "You can talk to your girlfriends but you're going to get a lot of conflicting advice," Mace says. "What happened to your friend might not be what will happen to you."
3. Research your lawyer. You want one with fees you can afford, who has experience with divorce proceedings. Good places to start are the Law Society, which provides advice and lists solicitors; Resolution is a family law association that provides advice and lists members.
4. Get the financial paperwork in order. "That's like your homework," Mace says, and it's the first step, even BEFORE you see a solicitor. Go armed with bank statements, mortgage paperwork, information about investments and, if possible, about your husband's situation as well.
5. Don't involve the children. Duh. Everybody says they won't but it still happens. Don't talk about the divorce or your husband in a bad light, don't confide in the kids as you would your friends, and don't use the children as a pawn. While saying, "Fine, I'll move to Greenland and you'll never see them again" might be momentarily satisfying, that attitude ultimately most hurts the children.
6. Try and look at the bigger picture. "You'll waste a lot of money on legal fees if you fight over the contents of the house. My advice is start again," says Mace. "A lot of people tend to go on principle - 'the other person's not going to have that because I bought it.'" Harry in When Harry Met Sally probably describes this phenomenon best, "This $8 dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours." The upshot: save money. Don't fight about the dish.
7. Don't use your solicitor as a counsellor. When you phone or meet have a list of items to discuss. Avoid your soliloquy about how you've been wronged. Your therapist, your family and your friends are better suited to listen and they're a lot cheaper, even factoring in the cocktails.
8. Understand spousal maintenance. Unlike child maintenance, it's not based on a simple calculation. It will be influenced by monthly needs and your household income, and both men and women can pay it. "Your solicitor will want you to do a budget of what you need every month, running a car, your shopping, travel, food. Then it will depend on what your husband's income is," she says. "Go through your bank statements. It's amazing to see what you do spend your money on in a month.
"In an ideal world the court would like a clean break, because [the two people] can both move on with their lives," she says. A clean break means "there isn't maintenance at all, just a clean break of the assets." The ex gets a lump sum and has to invest to get an income.
9. Keep an eye on costs. You can tell your solicitor to alert you when his or her fees reach a certain level. You can also do your part - perform the donkey work like gathering documents or information so your solicitor isn't clocking up hours doing it; consolidate your questions and make one succinct phone call instead of a flurry of unfocussed ones; and if possible, sort out issues with your soon-to-be-ex directly so all that's left is to instruct your respective soliticitors.
10. Try not to be impulsive. If you rush decisions - and there are plenty to go round during divorce - it can distort your judgment. This is probably the most important time to set aside emotion. "Although it's a painful process, try to think with your head and not with your heart in a divorce," Mace says.
