The Alpha Mummy morning beauty routine

Ladies, the school run is once again upon us. That feeling of having done an entire day’s work before you’ve even swiped your security pass is depressingly familiar. Worst of all, you’ve no time to pummel your increasingly baggy old face back into shape – not unless you turn into one of those spooky women who gets up at four am to apply moisturiser. But you do have one ace up your sleeve: you’re a woman, and women can multitask. Here, then, is the Alphamummy guide to beauty on the (school) run.

6.45am. Wake, sit up, groan. Reach for contact lenses. Insert into swollen eyes. Shuffle to bathroom, clean teeth. Apply thick unguent to pillow creases, eye gel to bags. Choice of unguent is up to you: Alphamummy favours Origins Dr Weil Face Cream or Decleor Experience de L’Age. For eye-cream, try Neal’s Yard White Tea or, more sneakily, Heal (originally developed to help scarring, wickedly good under eyes). Massage cream furiously into creases; dot eye gel with due delicacy. Observe reflection.Groan. Pee. Make tea.

6.55am. Wake child/children. Wrestle with tights/pants/vests/hairbrushes/more toothbrushes. Ignore questions about own sticky-up hair. Switch on shower (to give it time to warm up). Herd children into kitchen, switch on TV. Dish out breakfast.

7.10-7.15am. Shower. Quickly, leaving bathroom door open in case of sibling hostilities. Shout at dog, who expects to join in. Apply body oil (Neutrogena, Johnson’s, anything will do as long as it’s plentiful) super-quick (maximum 10 seconds) to still wet skin, then envelop in towelling bath robe. Wrap hair (if washed) in towel, taking care not to get any oil in it. Check offspring. Monitor breakfast consumption at table, while simultaneously applying fresh face cream. Wash hands, shake out hair, brush. Consume half a banana (for energy) and any necessary pills (neurofen etc). More tea.

7.15-7.30am. Get dressed. Quickly. It is imperative to have selected your outfit the night before; otherwise develop the kind of dress sense that simply requires you match one black item with another. Blow a bit of body into your hair. Apply eye-cream and lip-balm/Vaseline.

7.30-7.45am. Eldest child reads, very slowly, out loud. Youngest watches Fireman Sam. You check emails, make toast, assemble coats, hats, scarves, gloves, bookbags. Damn, forgot lunchboxes. Make sandwiches. Accidentally consume three ham and cheese sarnies in the process (where does all that extra weight come from?). Justify sarnies as breakfast. Chivvy reading. Check watch. Panic!

7.45-8am. Make half-hearted attempt to tidy up before bundling everyone in to the car. Remember to switch on engine before negotiating car-seat, to give car time to warm up so windscreen can be de-frosted. Check number of children, return hopeful dog indoors, run back inside to switch off lights (removing keys from ignition, just in case).

8-8.05am. Refraining from all use of bad language, take both children back inside so youngest can do poo. Use opportunity of free bathroom time to check reflection and fiddle with hair. If protracted, apply small amount of under-eye concealer. Bobbi Brown’s Eye Brightener especially ideal. Wipe small person’s bottom, re-tog them up and return to car.    

8.10am. Drive like the wind. At the first set of reliably red lights, apply a touch more concealer from secret stash of make-up, at all times kept in the car. Should be nice and cold, too, which is excellent for shrinking bags. Apply a dot of Bobbi Brown Pot Rouge to each cheek; blend. Lurch forward, ignoring the rude comments of the man in the SUV (what else are windscreen mirrors for?). Arrive at school, park, switch off engine. While children gather their things, apply a very quick coat of mascara (Clarins is the easiest and most clump-free) and a slick of Vaseline to lips (if the children are being particularly slow, you can dip a finger in your pot rouge and add a bit of colour). Ruffle hair. Release children from back of car.   

Comments

[annabel]

Exactly my morning + husband in the way. Beats me why some women gave up make up??!! And who said this was disorganized - this is planned better than any military operations in the recent history. Cheer up dear moms and yes, definitely, don't forget to put some make up before leaving the house. It's not about you, but people living with and around us.

[annabel]

The same in my house + husband constantly in the way. Beats me why some women are so serious and proud to have tossed their make up at, what age - 18?! You did not need it then baby, but you do now. Cheer up!

[d]

Good grief, people. Learn about this little thing called "humour."

[Lily]

Pathetic...what are you, a married Bridget Jones?
Get organised.

[ExPat]

Also similar to my morning! And why not put on make-up, for goodness sake? If you look better, you feel better. It takes only a few minutes to rub a few things onto your face - I often do this at the table, so I can talk with the children as they have breakfast. Hardly a big deal, just making myself clean and nice, and it wakes me up! 5mins total. There really are some misery guts here!

[LM]

SM raises an interesting question; I suspect it's different stress now than in pre-Industrial (or even earlier Industrial) societies. Back then, it would be more: "Bad weather - ruined harvest - how will we get through winter?" Longer-term and longer-lasting. Also, the stress of the constraints of a far more rigid society, expectations, mores etc.

Present day western stress is more about being able to keep up with vast volumes of ever-changing information and the expectations of always being present and available for work communication (often for discussing complete nonsense). The other big change is our gradual severance from nature, in terms of seasons & daylight, keeping the seasons (and ancient rituals associated with them - often propounded by church and local festivals) and in terms of daylight, body clocks, etc. Living as I do in a place that is phenomenally grey in the winter, I really believe this separation has bigger effects on us than we realise, subliminal stresses on our body that we probably didn't have pre-electricity: we work as hard through the winter as in summer even though for many of us (like other animals) it's a time of lower energy, etc and forcing ourselves to ignore this for several months of the year is probably not good for long-term health.

(Winter here is pretty grim, light-wise. Yesterday, the skies went from a week of solid pewter grey colour to pale silver and the difference in energy & mood was palpable).

Not being highly articulate here but hopefully you all get the point (and still - I feel - better than Minnesota winters. They are truly grim).

[caroline]

Tic Tacs, Lips gloss in the car and am ready to go!

[Morag]

"Herd children into kitchen, switch on TV. Dish out breakfast."

Don't tell my kids TV is allowed at breakfast time! Or indeed at any meal. Thank you, your article has reminded me why I don't waste my time on beauty products.

Up - shower - breakfast - brush teeth - out. Takes about 30 minutes in our house, unless we add in time for shouting at kids to hurry up. So I can be up at 8.30 and they will still be at school by 9.

[salma]

No wonder marriages are breaking up, when do you have time to be sexy?? where on earth is your partner lady??Or are you single parent, even so move in an u pair to do all the running around. You cannot go on like this. But you know I have done exactly what you are doing, and come out the other end, eldest 22 at Uni, youngest last 4 terms at school, middle one also at uni, it does end, but too fast, but seriously slow down.

[Supermother]

If you read books like those of the early settlers in the US which is pre industrial their livse were very fulll and more stressful. Not enough food or heat is pretty stress inducing and farm work morning until night is not that much fun. you get loads of people going back to nature and finding it's actually very stressful, much worse and they have no money. I don't think the idea that pre industrial societies were a piece of cake is true. Although certanily most people could do with calming down and getting their mind set happier and less worried but that's more a matter of brain chemistry, meditation/prayer/yoga or whatever you need to reach those mind sets.

[A.]

well, more or less true. I cut on make up and decided what-to-wear the night before to save time. Didn't count my daughter's "What to wear", though. And she's 5 years old

[Mukesh Sharma]

Interesting story. But scary to imagine one can get so busy and overwhelmed with something. I just became a father some three weeks ago and can't help thinking how difficulkt it would be. Its a byproduct of a post-Industrial society. That's waht a Sociologist would say. Isn't it?

[Aoife]

Jan - you don't need to send your children to private school to have to get them there early. My daughters schools - yes two different state schools start lessons at 8.30am and 8.35am so an 8.10am arrival time is not unusual. Mind you the canteen serves breakfast - always a bonus when getting them out of bed has been difficult!

[Cynthia]

This is my life! I live in the US and have two small daughters, and am divorced. We leave the house at 6 AM (particularly nice on pitch-dark frozen Minnnesota mornings), throwing things into the car, kids holding frozen waffles and juice in mittened hands. One of my co-workers summed it up nicely one day by saying, "You look like you've gone ten rounds." If only the ref had counted me out!

[tsk]

Where is Caitlin, anyway? Haven't heard from her in ages.

I thought the same about J. Has she realised she can't live without AM after all? I do hope so.

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

Sigh. My children currently watch the previous night's Voyager every morning before going off to school. The prospect of seeing it is the only reason they get out of bed.

That and the being dragged by their heels.

When I'm overseas for work, and I phone up to say 'good morning' and, you know, check everyone is still alive, I am often met with the following comment from the 5 year old 'Sorry Mummy voyager is on and that's more important than conversation'. Oh well - at least they don't take the phone off the hook like I do when I'm watching telly!

[KM]

I have not worn make-up since I left school at eighteen, it is one of the best decisions I ever made.

Fireman Sam? No no. Surely a true Alphamummy's house would have educational videos to hand.

[Theta Sigma Mummy]

If Caitlin had addressed the subject it would have been funny. Them's the breaks.

[LM]

Is that J who used to post here so much who commented on school opening times?

I'm in the "5 mins for a bit of mascara & tinted moisturiser" school of makeup, and have told my hairdressers for years that I need wash & go hair that looks good with no product, hairdryer, etc. Fortunately, I have very straight (if somewhat boring) hair so this is easy.

Here in the US, most schools - private and state - open early, often as early as 7:30, for before-school care; it's quite common to drop a child off at 8:15 en route to work, though obviously a very long day for a small child (we deliberately try to get there a few mins before 9 to shorten the day, though that means not getting into work until 9:30ish).

[femmeaufoyer]

I get up at 6.45, leave the house at 8.25 taking two to school and sending another two on their way. In between I shower, wash my hair, dry it, put on makeup, sort out lunch boxes and hair of various children, whilst my husband sorts out breakfast. It's not difficult to have a routine and I certainly don't feel in need of accolades. And by the way, I like wearing makeup, even when I walk the dog to and fro school in the morning.

[Tara@Sticky Fingers]

Erm hello? Wasn't this a funny, tongue in cheek-type post?
I have to agree with Frog - why so bloody serious.

[Supermother]

I bet if we put up photos of alphamummies with and without make up plenty of those who wouldn't be seen dead without their make up on look very beautiful without it.

or do we think they look even more beautiful with it? I'mn ot saying makeup doesn't make women look even more beautiful if it's done properly although if it just looks layered on with a trowel it can be worse than not having any on.

I look in mirrors and like what I see. Is that because I don't watch TV so I am hermetically sealed away from media influences and films? Is that the answer - ditch the TV and know you're beautiful.

[tooyoung]

Who walks the dog?

[tooyoung]

Who walks the dog?

[tooyoung]

Who walks the dog?