The Alpha Mummy morning beauty routine
Ladies, the school run is once again upon us. That feeling of having done an entire day’s work before you’ve even swiped your security pass is depressingly familiar. Worst of all, you’ve no time to pummel your increasingly baggy old face back into shape – not unless you turn into one of those spooky women who gets up at four am to apply moisturiser. But you do have one ace up your sleeve: you’re a woman, and women can multitask. Here, then, is the Alphamummy guide to beauty on the (school) run.
6.45am. Wake, sit up, groan. Reach for contact lenses. Insert into swollen eyes. Shuffle to bathroom, clean teeth. Apply thick unguent to pillow creases, eye gel to bags. Choice of unguent is up to you: Alphamummy favours Origins Dr Weil Face Cream or Decleor Experience de L’Age. For eye-cream, try Neal’s Yard White Tea or, more sneakily, Heal (originally developed to help scarring, wickedly good under eyes). Massage cream furiously into creases; dot eye gel with due delicacy. Observe reflection.Groan. Pee. Make tea.
6.55am. Wake child/children. Wrestle with tights/pants/vests/hairbrushes/more toothbrushes. Ignore questions about own sticky-up hair. Switch on shower (to give it time to warm up). Herd children into kitchen, switch on TV. Dish out breakfast.
7.10-7.15am. Shower. Quickly, leaving bathroom door open in case of sibling hostilities. Shout at dog, who expects to join in. Apply body oil (Neutrogena, Johnson’s, anything will do as long as it’s plentiful) super-quick (maximum 10 seconds) to still wet skin, then envelop in towelling bath robe. Wrap hair (if washed) in towel, taking care not to get any oil in it. Check offspring. Monitor breakfast consumption at table, while simultaneously applying fresh face cream. Wash hands, shake out hair, brush. Consume half a banana (for energy) and any necessary pills (neurofen etc). More tea.
7.15-7.30am. Get dressed. Quickly. It is imperative to have selected your outfit the night before; otherwise develop the kind of dress sense that simply requires you match one black item with another. Blow a bit of body into your hair. Apply eye-cream and lip-balm/Vaseline.
7.30-7.45am. Eldest child reads, very slowly, out loud. Youngest watches Fireman Sam. You check emails, make toast, assemble coats, hats, scarves, gloves, bookbags. Damn, forgot lunchboxes. Make sandwiches. Accidentally consume three ham and cheese sarnies in the process (where does all that extra weight come from?). Justify sarnies as breakfast. Chivvy reading. Check watch. Panic!
7.45-8am. Make half-hearted attempt to tidy up before bundling everyone in to the car. Remember to switch on engine before negotiating car-seat, to give car time to warm up so windscreen can be de-frosted. Check number of children, return hopeful dog indoors, run back inside to switch off lights (removing keys from ignition, just in case).
8-8.05am. Refraining from all use of bad language, take both children back inside so youngest can do poo. Use opportunity of free bathroom time to check reflection and fiddle with hair. If protracted, apply small amount of under-eye concealer. Bobbi Brown’s Eye Brightener especially ideal. Wipe small person’s bottom, re-tog them up and return to car.
8.10am. Drive like the wind. At the first set of reliably red lights, apply a touch more concealer from secret stash of make-up, at all times kept in the car. Should be nice and cold, too, which is excellent for shrinking bags. Apply a dot of Bobbi Brown Pot Rouge to each cheek; blend. Lurch forward, ignoring the rude comments of the man in the SUV (what else are windscreen mirrors for?). Arrive at school, park, switch off engine. While children gather their things, apply a very quick coat of mascara (Clarins is the easiest and most clump-free) and a slick of Vaseline to lips (if the children are being particularly slow, you can dip a finger in your pot rouge and add a bit of colour). Ruffle hair. Release children from back of car.
