Yes yes yes it’s important to debate mothers’ place in the workplace, but there are other, equally earthshaking issues to debate. Like: which children’s TV characters would you shag?
Like Plato’s Cave, the long years of child-rearing happen in a world where, starved of other stimuli, you soon forget there are other men out there, and swiftly become preoccupied by whether you’d like to have sex with Big Cook from Big Cook Little Cook; and whether or not that might happen after you’d had sex with Little Cook.
Here’s a quick round up of my personal totty. I’m sure that, just as you can guess when a woman entered puberty by whether she fancied Simon Le Bon or not, you can guess the age of my children to the nearest month by the following list:
1) Archie from Balamory. I love a man who looks like he regularly enters a room full of tipsy revellers, saying “I’ve heated up some samosas! And there’s a dip, too!” Ratty pink jumper, pink castle, obsession with making robots out of yoghurt pots - Archie would soon forget it all if he were getting regular all-night lovin’ from me. What’s the story in Balamory? It’s that Archie’s buying me expensive underwear, throwing me onto his four-poster bed and saying “Oh blimey!”
2) Daddy Pig, from Peppa Pig. The sub-text to the genius of Peppa Pig has always been that Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are pretty fruity, with a racey past that’s frequently hinted at – not least when Daddy Pig unexpectedly throws Mummy Pig up in the air in an energetic pas de deux. The most notable case comes when Daddy Pig plays sexy accordion music to Mummy Pig, with a redolent “Remember this, Mummy Pig?” as she snorts in piggy delight. My love of Daddy Pig does not purely stem from the fact that he has the sexiest pig-voice I’ve ever heard – it also stems from a slight sorrow on Daddy Pig’s behalf that Mummy Pig is the most rubbish one of the Pig family, reduced to little more that sounding slightly vexed or smug, or chuckling “Oh, Daddy Pig!” when he gets stuck in a chair. If I did Daddy Pig, I imagine he would be so enthusiastic and grateful we would break his pig-bed. I would definitely go whole hog with the Pig man.
3) Robbie Rotten from LazyTown. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a man doing “evil tip-toeing.” Especially when he’s built like a track and field star, wearing a skin-tight all-in-one bodysuit, and packing what looks like a spare super-hero down the front. Rotten is a big man – about three hundred feet tall, with an arse made of Icelandic granite. That he spends all day trying to screw over a bunch of kids makes him all the more likeable – here’s a guy who would definitely “Take you away from all this mess”, to paraphrase Winona Ryder in Dracula. I’m thinking of a long weekend in his evil hideout, utilizing lots of costumes, and smoking potions that make you feel exhilarated and bizarre. And then at the end of it, you’d be rescued by …
4) Sportacus from LazyTown. Marcus Scheving – aka Sportacus - is, quite possibly, the most alpha man on the planet. He built the TV studios – where he plays a super-hero – himself! By hand! And planned it so that, if you run around the perimeter, it’s exactly half a kilometre – so he can easily run 20 kilometres a day, whilst filming! In Sportacus, he has created a man who can slice an apple into quarters with a tennis racket whilst doing a jete over a wall so, really, you’d have to have a go, wouldn’t you?
5) Charlie from Charlie and Lola. Obviously not now, of course – of COURSE not now. He’s twelve, for heaven’s sake. He hasn’t even reached an age where he realises that wearing the same outfit, day in day out, is a no-no. But by the time he reaches the age of sexual majority, Charlie’s going to be one hot piece of ass. That husky voice! That wild imagination! And so endlessly patient with the essentially vile Lola. He’s Future Husband Material and no mistake. I’d probably have a crack at Marv, too.
Not in a million years: Mr Mopple, the man from Higgledy Piggledy House, the fireman from Fireman Sam who looks like Shakin’ Stevens.
Read a man's response from guest contributor Michael Moran here
How we dress our children says more about who we are than who they are, experts say, and the popularity of edgy knowing slogan T-shirts for children is growing. So do these baby vests and children's wear represent hilarious social commentary, offensive attitudes or lame jokes? You decide. 
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