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Year 2, week 33: ConflictOfInterest

Had a case in the Magistrates Court today. Strange one in that my client was the sister of one of the court staff. You’d have thought that was sufficient for the case to be transferred to another court on the basis that the Magistrates might be just an incy wincy bit biased in her favour. You’d have thought. But no. I declared the interest, such as it was and the answer came back that to transfer would be inconvenient and they were sure that it would have no effect. Fine by me and as you might have guessed, rather than being banged to rights on a case in which we simply didn’t have a realistic defence, she was actually found to be not guilty. Oh, and did I mention that she’s been having an affair with one of the Magistrates as well? No, and nor did she until after they’d let her off.

Oh.

Year 2, week 33: underbellies

“What is it that you’ve got against women, OldSmoothie?” It was BusyBody at Chambers Tea, back from maternity leave and on the war path.
“What on earth do you mean?  I love all women.  Every one of them.  Well, except perhaps the fat ones.”
“You see, that’s my point. Every time you open your mouth you reveal your misogynistic underbelly.” She looked him up and down. “And if I may say so, it’s rather a fat underbelly at that, wouldn’t you say? So, go on, what is it? Mother not cuddle you enough? Too ugly to get a girlfriend before you were rich? Or is it simply that we threaten you?”

For the first time since I have known him, OldSmoothie had no answer to give. BusyBody turned to UpTights and received a beaming smile. Well, it would have been were her stretched face able to move enough to beam.  I think that UpTights might just have found the junior barrister who could help her in her innumerable cases against the mildly overweight, pompous silver fox himself.

Year 2, week 33: old dog new tricks

There’s a solicitors firm in North London which is holding a party this evening for which the invitation states, “Please bring a party trick.” Which of course was the hot topic of conversation and indeed speculation at Chambers Tea. As is often the case, the best line of the day belonged to OldSmoothie and came from a polite question from TheCreep to UpTights in which he asked: “So have you learnt any new tricks for the party UpTights?”

Quick as a flash and before she was even able to start an answer, OldSmoothie was in there for the kill and even the more wine-addled members of chambers winced as he made his strike. “New tricks? You what? Everyone knows you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

Year 2, week 33: the all-rounder

Overheard a very revealing conversation at lunch today between OldSmoothie and another barrister who was obviously his opponent on a case he was doing. “You’re in TheVamp’s chambers, aren’t you?” the opponent asked.
“That’s right,” chuckled OldSmoothie.  “Everyone knows TheVamp.”
“You’re not wrong there, and legend has it that there are even a few who don’t know her intimately.”
“Not that I’ve met any myself.”
“You’re right.  Nor me.”
“Yes, what was it the legal directory said this year? ‘Has quickly gained a reputation as an all-rounder.’”
“Yes, that one certainly did the rounds.”

They both chuckled. “So how long did you have the pleasure?” asked OldSmoothie.
“Longer than most, actually.  As I remember it, a whole weekend.  How about you?”
“Landed her as my pupil for a month, so, you can imagine…”
“A month?”
“Well, there were a few of us vying to be her pupilmaster after we met her at the pre-pupillage drinks. So rather than limit it to two lots of six months, we divided her time twelve ways.”
“Nice.”

All of which chit chat led to OldSmoothie making a settlement offer which his opponent agreed to without even a hint of getting back to his client.

Year 2, week 33: TopFlirt

Well, I met up with TopFirst’s fiancée on Saturday and was immediately reminded as to why she had gained her name TopFlirt.
“I don’t know what you’ve done to him BabyB, but he really doesn’t like you, does he?”
“Not much, I guess,” I replied with the understatement of the year.  “Maybe it’s just jealousy over the whole tenancy thing.”
“Could be, although it does seem to be something more than just business.  Definitely a personal edge to it although he simply won’t tell me.”
“Ah, and you want to know what it is that you think he’s hiding from you?”

Now this, by the way, wasn’t the start of the evening but was instead after about three bottles of wine and at about one thirty in the morning.  It was also after she’d invited herself back to mine and so we were whispering so as not to wake my sleeping mother who was upstairs.  Not exactly the height of sophistication and cool but hey, I’m still for the moment an impoverished junior barrister.
Anyway, when I asked that question, she changed the subject and said simply, “Well aren’t you going to kiss me?”

So now I’m in all sorts of trouble.  I’ve got TopFirst threatening me with information he says he has on me and I’ve started something very complicated off with his fiancée.  Oh, and he’s my opponent in the biggest case I’ve been involve in so far.

Year 2, week 32: fight back

I’ve decided that I’m not going to sit around waiting for TopFirst to have a pop at me again. He’s obviously got far too much time on his hands and so as always the best form of defence is to have a go straight back and distract him from his little plots. Bit unsubtle, but I’ve returned to his girlfriend and gave her a ring today suggesting a drink over the weekend. I’ll soon find out whether she was only meeting up with me as a trap or not and whatever happens I’ll make sure he knows that we’ve met up which should at least worry him that I might have let slip about his little dalliance with Ginny last year. When I rang her, she actually sounded pleased too hear from me and complained almost immediately that TopFirst was just working too hard and never had any time for her.  And yes, “Saturday evening would be lovely”.

See you there.

Year 2, week 32: on guard

TopFirst is definitely up to no good I reckon. Today we had an interlocutory hearing on the wireless case and I needed to be on good form. So I wasn’t particularly amused when I opened my post this morning to find “final bills” for my gas, electricity, telephone and council tax all arrive en masse. Someone has clearly rung up all these people and told them I’m moving out. You’d think that they’d have needed my own say so for this but when I spent the first hour in chambers ringing up these people it seems all they need is notice to be made over the phone. Incredible. The reason I think it’s TopFirst other than the fact that he hates my guts is that he’s just moved house himself and so will have worked out quite how easy it is to mess with someone’s bills. Oh, and the fact that he had the smuggest smile you can imagine when I arrived at court hot off the phone from my electricity company and not looking as cool and calm as I’d have liked.

Anyway, turned out that the judge simply gave directions for witness statements at this stage and so ultimately there was no harm done although it’s certainly put me more on my guard than ever.

Year 2, week 32: litigating through the press

I leaked a story earlier today to ScandalMonger about my geriatric cases against the wireless company. I mentioned that we now have just over one thousand cases signed up and it’s rising each day. Hopefully he’ll get it in the papers in the next few days and it should help in the downward decline of the wireless company’s share price that I have now bet upon. Thinking about releasing a few details about the cases we’re preparing. Maybe the odd damning expert report on the wireless technology and the odd medical report on the symptoms being suffered.

Definitely a risky path to try and litigate through the press but when your case isn’t actually that strong, a huge company such as this may well come up with an offer just to put a stop to the damage caused by the negative publicity.

Year 2, week 31: holidays

So last week I had my first holiday since the start of my pupillage. I sometimes think that this whole self-employed freedom thing for barristers is a bit of a con really, certainly for the first few years at any rate. All that freedom you’re supposed to have and yet the truth is that if there are cases and there’s no-one else to cover then you have to be available. So I’ve been allowed one week in eighteen months and it’s only because there’s a new crop of pupils to cover the tiny cases that I even get that. But hey, at least I’m not in as bad a position as BusyBody.  She was lucky even to get a rent holiday whilst she was off having her child. If it wasn’t for the Bar Council guidelines she’d have even had to continue paying rent even during her maternity leave. Oh and if you think she’ll get any kind of allowance during that period, you’ve got to be joking. As HeadofChambers said only the other day: “You know, I can’t believe we’ve kept BusyBody’s room empty whilst she’s been away when she isn’t even paying rent. As if it isn’t enough that we subsidise women’s rent for the first few years only for them to leave when they find a rich man.”

When UpTights heard this, she started to get stuck in: “You know, that’s exactly the kind of remark I’d expect from a dinosaur like you.”

Which of course allowed OldSmoothie to slip in with: “Well, at least that’s one good thing we can say about you UpTights. There’s never been any chance of you disappearing on maternity leave, has there now?”

Welcome, once again, to the modern bar.

Year 2, week 30: loaded dice

So I made my first bet on the stock of the wireless company collapsing yesterday.  Fifty thousand pounds of money I don’t have risked on the throw of the dice.  Well, actually the throw of the loaded dice since I now have exactly two months to drive the price down as far as possible. 

So I started with signing up for the various share price bulletin boards and discussion forums last night.  All in false names, of course and from a random internet café so that no-one will be able to trace the computer to me.  Seems there’s already chat about the litigation but they don’t have the full low down as to the risks to the wireless company.  Yet, that is.

I then made a call to the PR guru himself, ScandalMonger and told him that I needed help in damaging the wireless company’s reputation in order to force them to settle.  With the added benefit that any damaging stories which he plants in the press will also affect the share price.