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Year 3, week 2: time to pray

I bumped into OldFatherTime this morning and was telling him about the Moldy case, though admittedly I didn’t mention BrainWasher and the sterling work he is currently getting up to. “All you can do is pray, BabyB.” He looked at me with a thoughtful expression before continuing: “Although if you do, be picky about who you ask. I mean, St Christopher will already be overworked with all those travellers and then St Anthony, well, he’s having to do all that finding of things for people.”  I could see he was warming to his theme. “I’d go for one of the archangels if I were you.”
“What, like the Archangel Gabriel?” I asked.
“You’re certainly on the right lines. But you know who I’d ask if you really want it done pronto?” He said this with an almost conspiratorial tone.
“Who?”
“Uriel, that’s who. I mean there’s Gabriel as you say, Raphael and Michael but they’re known the world over and must be rushed off their feet. But the final one is the Archangel Uriel who everyone forgets. If it’s urgent, I’d say he’s your man.”

Year 3, week 2: selling off Scotland

“If you ask me, the only way we’re going to solve this whole credit crunch thing is to sell off Scotland.”  It was OldSmoothie at chambers tea yesterday afternoon and he was holding court.  “Oh, and all of its politicians as well, particularly the ones lauding it over us down here.  Yes, just stick it on e-bay and see what it fetches. Should be enough to bail out the odd banker or two.”

It was BusyBody who stepped up to the mark in reply: “Oh turn off the record OldSmoothie or at least start playing a different tune.” Then her tone changed and she added, “Though I’m sure the police would be interested to hear about your incitement to racial hatred in front of, hmm…” she counted the people in the room, “…twelve upstanding witnesses.”

Before OldSmoothie could recover, UpTights waded in and added, “Yes, particularly if it were reported to a certain Scottish policeman who I just happen to know is based in Charing Cross Police Station…” She suddenly looked a bit madder than usual and her voice started to rise towards a screech, “…and who just happens to bear a grudge against you for making a fool of him in the witness box.”

From the look which passed between UpTights and BusyBody, I don’t think that this will be the last we hear of this one.

Year 3, week 2: SilverSurfers

I popped into my old room today to say hello to OldRuin and as is often the case he was dictating what I thought was an advice for his typist.  That is until he told me exactly what he was doing: “I’ve decided to enter the modern era BabyB and get onto the interweb. I’ve even decided to take advantage of chambers very kind offer of an electronic mail address.”
“That’s great news OldRuin. Do tell me if you need any help working it all out.”

He looked a little sheepish and then said, “Well, that’s a very kind offer BabyB but I’ve been using my typist now for more than forty years and I fear it would cause her great offence if I actually started typing my own correspondence at this late stage of my career. She’s offered to attend a special email course for pensioners where I believe they’ll teach her how to print off the emails I receive and also to type the replies I dictate.”

Then he smiled. “She tells me that officially makes the two of us Silver Surfers.”

Year 3, week 1: liar, lawyer

Attended my first pupillage interview last night as the newest member of the pupillage committee. What struck me most was the enormous irony in the fact that for a profession that prides itself on honesty and integrity its entrance interview judges people on how well they lie. I mean, the rubbish that was being lapped up last night was incredible and when we all went for a drink afterwards we speculated on what the answers might have been had any of the candidates actually told the truth. Here’s a few of the less rude ones we came up with:

Why the bar? “To become a fat cat part-timer like the rest of you.”

Why law?  “Because I just love twisting the truth and taking technical points.”

Why this chambers? “Because you were stupid enough to offer me an interview.”

Why personal injury? “Because it’s easy and pays well.”

Why employment law? “Because litigants in person are always easier to beat.”
   
Why landlaw and tenant? “Because I’ll enjoy doing-over impoverished tenants and hey, it even beats being a bailiff or let's face it even a traffic warden.”

And then there’s the question that chambers asked in a rounabout way to a single mum who had worked hard to juggle her study and home life. In effect they asked her about her child care situation but they were really insinuating that she might have difficulties practising full-time. What she should have answered was: “You just fell into the biggest elephant trap in history boys. Either you give me a pupillage and guarantee a tenancy or I'll drag both your bottoms and your reputations through not only the Bar Standards Board discrimination hearings but also through the media who are currently hungry for stories about rich, arrogant sexist lawyers."

Year 3, week 1: lemon next to the pie

BrainWasher is doing a sterling job on the judge at the moment. Apparently he’s got his early morning newspaper seller wearing a t-shirt with the slogan “Mad for wireless” and a picture of an old-fashioned radio. Then there’s a billboard just outside Temple tube with a picture of a mad-looking elderly person saying, “Don’t forget where you came from…or where you’re going to.” Which is in addition to the various conversations which are being staged near him on the tube.

I think BrainWasher’s rather enjoying the challenge and described this as merely “the lemon next to the pie”. Makes me wonder what’s next.

Year 2, week 52: vultures

We had an extraordinary chambers meeting this evening called at short notice. The topic was one which is probably being discussed in boardrooms up and down the country. Pretty standard you might think. Except for the fact that the agenda item was actually listed somewhat tactlessly as “How can chambers benefit from the present banking crisis?”

It didn’t stop at least half of chambers attending and from tomorrow we are to start promoting ourselves in the following areas of law: insolvency, property and employment or to put it more clearly when you consider which side they hope to be representing: bankrupting, repossessing and sacking.

Year 2, week 51: unorthodox

“Well, it’s somewhat unorthodox, but I think it could be done.  But tell me, BabyBarista, isn’t it illegal to try and influence a judge in this way.”  It was BrainWasher voices his concerns about my proposed campaign to bring the judge’s mind around to our way of thinging.”
“I don’t think there’s a precedent against it,” I replied.
“I see.”
“And it’s not as if we’re going to be harming the judge in any way.”
“No.”
“Merely influencing him.  Through subliminal messages.”
“Well, quite.”
“Though it’s certainly not something I’d want the other side to find out about.”
“Yes, I do understand.”
“So, do you think you can do it?”
“If he sticks to the routine to and from work that you’ve described to me then I can certainly give it a go.  I’ll get started on Monday morning.”

Year 2, week 51: BrainWasher

The trial came to an end today.  WhistleBlower was utterly discredited but even so the documents still remain in evidence.  The experts disagree as to whether the wireless technology is affecting people’s minds or not and ultimately it will all come down to the view the judge takes of the evidence.  We apparently have a couple of weeks to wait now whilst he formulates his judgment.

Which is why I’ve asked ScandalMonger is he can get one of his clients to help us as a favour.  Someone who I’ll call BrainWasher due to the fact that he is one of the world’s leading experts on manipulating people’s minds through the power of suggestion.  Time to put him to good use on the judge’s mind.

Year 2, week 51: silence

Well, I’ve heard nothing from TopFirst since our little meeting last week.  I imagine he’s discovered by now the full extent of the set-up and is still trying to think of a way out.  He has until the end of this week, after which the game of chicken ends and he goes down with me.

Year 2, week 51: jellybaby

“So what do you want, you snivelling little creep?” asked TopFirst with all of his usual charm.
“Well I wanted to thank you for dropping us both in it with the FSA.”
“I don’t think so, my friend. This time you are well and truly going down.”
“Which would be funny if it weren’t for the fact that I happen to know that a certain Mr TopFirst sold short on the wireless company at exactly the time that you have alleged that I was doing so.”

He started to look worried.
“Strange that,” I said. “Maybe you’re trying to take the heat off yourself. Is that it?”

Now he was looking utterly confused.
“You’re bluffing. You couldn’t…you wouldn’t…”

Slowly it started to dawn on him that it might indeed have been possible somehow to contrive that he himself took the bet on the same shares. He just couldn’t work out how. “…it’s not possible…” he continued.

Well, I’m certainly not going to be the one that tells him that I still have his bank account details from last year. Steamed open one of his bank statements when he shared a pigeon-hole with me. The irony being that I never thought it’d come in useful once pupillage was over. All I needed was the account number and then a good guess at his password. Last year it was “juglandaceous”. I remembered how funny he thought he was when he said this and could only think of one other instance when he’d been so full of that “cleverness of me thing” and that was his naffo moment chatting up one of the mini-pupils by offering her some sweets with the line “Jelly, Baby?”  Sure enough, his new password was indeed a certain “jellybaby”.  After that the shares had been bought.

Anyway, that’s the story. The question is where we both go from here. I can hardly tell him directly that he’d better withdraw his complaint as this time round he’ll be ready with tape recorder in hand.

So for the next few days I think we might have to play a very serious game of chicken and see who bottles first. I’d say though that it didn’t get off to a good start when TopFirst simply stormed out of the bar in a huff telling me where I could stick my little so-called set-ups and my double bluffs.