Well, that was fun wasn't it? I know many of us share deep feelings of, er no feelings at all about CBB/Hijack. So I am loath to ask what your favourite moments were, or your least favourite moments, because I'm thinking the last time many of you saw paint dry might rank above both. So, for me, it's all about Dermot's coat and the day Russell Brand did the hijack. Bleedin' 'ijack saviour, that man. And you, have you loved/not loved/cared one iota? E4 still working on a strictly radio-only basis chez Teeman. The summer show better be good after this.
Weird that whole All Saints hijack, as it seemed they were more desperate/housematey than the housemates who observed them - well a few of the housemates - with total pity. And what happens to certain famous people that they suddenly don't look or sound like themselves? I mean I never took that much notice of All Saints but I found myself thinking - "Is that really them?" - and those weird Californian accents, strangulated and unfunny. There is something depressing about a couple of ex-pop stars in charge of a microphone, to no discernible effect, squawking like parrots, with two flat flutes of champagne. By the way, Dermot telling the crowd to hush for the eviction was unnecessary too - they, like us, really didn't care. Where had they been bussed in from, poor buggers? HOWEVER, I really like Jeremy the rally driver. The sneer. The weedy arms. The posh disdain. Yum.
I've seen it. I love it. They show it in the mornings when I'm (occasionally) in the gym. Those kids are delightful. No-one's watching because they;re just nice kids sharing a house. I quite like the way they loaf about, not really doing that much. The McQueen sisters from Hollyoaks were not the best hijackers - their main cointrib seemed to be, "Get yer top off Anthony" - but hey... And I did like that quote from Brian Sewell, which I am probably now going to misquote, "Spinach is the most deceitful vegetable". Not sure what that means - but I found myself nodding vigorously.
Just before I go...my best-friend just rang me and told me that her friend, who knows a *close* relative of a certain Heather Mills McCartney, says that Amy is part of Clan Heather. Amy 'I am artist' has bugged me since she went into the house--initally only because she looked like a certain someone. Now I've realised who it might be, and why, I like her still less.
Is the friend of my best-friend fibbing? The Sun did run a 'lookalike'
story. Do we know this already? Do we care?
Amy
sister of Amy?
Right, that's it. I am
off (to Miami, as it happens).
Okay, maybe it is you. I've tried--I really have. I've done everything you asked. I've made time for you even though you're not always easy to find. You're just not consistent--one minute you're up next you're down There have been highs--yes. And laughs (we've had a few). But I am not sure they're worth sticking around for. You go from being real and normal and just how I remember you to being all weird and contrived. It's almost like someone has hijacked the person I know and love.
So, I am leaving you. If you change I'll come back. But it's a big if.
came from All Saints. For real. Detective work done for the day.
Right, time for a little light retuning. Evictions? Do we care?
Help me, people. E4 has suddenly, in that rubbish way, disappeared from my TV. I don't know why (and frankly with ITV3 and endless repeats of Tales of the Unexpected I'm not exactly bereft) but I figure, what is happening in that House? Is it still going on? Is anyone watching it? I have not seen a peep of tabloid interest in it. It's not exactly bubbling away as a topic at a water-cooler near me. But is it secretly brilliant? Am I missing a surreal work of genius? Is it all gonna kick off? Is an international race controversy about to be sparked? Or am I right to give my time to my new love, Glenn Close in Damages?
As we all know, this is Dermot's long farewell--no more BBLB or BB anything for him after this. So he can say what he likes. And he is doing.
He told BBC Radio 1's Newsbeat it was "a mistake" to redesign the show: So far, I am with him. "I still think it's a good show and I don't think anyone should apologise for what happened last year..It conjured up debate and asked serious questions."
More than the colour of their nether hair (John--SHOCK--has stereotypically rusty bits), more than the desire for an extravagantly tragic circus accident, more than anything I want to know: Where can I get a coat like Dermot's?
By far the best thing about last night's show was Dermot's charming little number! So smart and snug (unlike the
housemates who, so far, are smug and far from smart). Where oh where can I buy a coat like Dermot's? Or, better still, a Dermot? Please advise.
Sorry, but I do. Is Calista Myleene Klass? is Jeremy the rally car driver just the juiciest sulky thing you ever did see? What's with the fashion designer's crazy bendy neck? What's going on with Madonna's dancer boogying away in some cruddy back garden? It's like bleedin' X Factor in there. I loved that silly first task and I loved Matt Lucas giggling so fabulously through it. And I want Dermot's coat. It is not Big Brother, it's not as good as regular BB yet, but at least it's not Danielle Lloyd. Frankly I don't see why inviting Jimmy Carr and the Chapman Brothers (they of mutilated doll art fame) on is in any way less potentially controversial than Jade Goody. We could still probably have an international race controversy by day three.
Yes, she said it. Art bird believes she's an 'ENDURANCE ART PIECE'. She thinks her experience in the house is going to win her the Turner Prize. She's right about endurance. But art? And I can only imagine what Brian Sewell will give her a piece of. (The S in Sewell is a Sueeeeeeeeeeeeeee--to be purred or hissed, depending on your mood. I so can't wait till he hijacks). She cleaned a used condom and called it art. I call it mucky. She cleans obsessively. She needs Kim & Aggie. She needs an intervention. Her A Level results were in UK Top 5 but she couldn't find the door to the BB house.
EmoGeek's voice hasn't broken yet and he reminds me of Tarantino (he's writing his biog now and I am instructing my agent to drop me so she can focus on *his* literary career). Everyone hates the Potter-a-like driver. Jay (with rising intonation): 'I first fell in love with fashion when I was 13. I don't know what it was. I think it was my Mum. You can change your life through fashion.' Does he know yet? Shall we tell him?
So far this show has all the ease and excitement of freshers meeting for the first time in their shared kitchen in halls. I want to break necks--not ice.
Will we endure?
You are, I hope, seated with a glass of something stabilising and are ready for yet more BB-SM antics? I am already staring into the bottom of a bottle. Forgive me.
Having copped out of Celebrity Draize Eye Test we're given a semi-educational format which promises to give nice young people the chance to show off their nice young talents (and C4/E4 a chance to make good for Shilpa-Gate and the N-Word nastiness).
Call me old, call me bitter, call me old and bitter but these uber-overachievers make me want to smack them. For health and safety reasons I wouldn't smack the hot boxer. But I would give him my phone number (though I fear this may be just as dangerous). The official E4 mugshot of the racing driver shows a Potter-a-like child dressed for work experience in a plastics factory in an already-shiny suit. Racing driver? With a provisional driving license? (SO BOOED ON THE WAY IN!). I truly thought the red-head proto-politico was a lesbian straight from the 70s (my favourite flavour). But no. Speaking as a Scot, why must the Scots we see on telly (the various Kirstys excluded) be be-kilted gingers? (AND WHAT WAS WITH THE DUMB 'MCJOCK' HAT?) The brother and sister 'circus' act promise, with the addition of ping pong balls and rollerskates, to take us far beyond the wrongness of Same Difference.
Warning: this is what happens to over achievers!
This is James Harries (child genius antique 'expert' who famously appeared on Wogan). 
This is Lauren Harries (James after 30 years of 'fame').  Note Baby Jane Hudson is holding Shirley Temple.
This show is tantamount to child cruelty and yet, I fear, not cruel enough.
As for the celebs. I refuse here and now to add any more fuel to the
Jimmy Carr fire. Unless we're talking actual petrol and actual
flames. Sitting comfortably?
Big Brother Celebrity Hijack unveils talented housemates - all comments welcome. One thing strikes. So they all have talent? But they're not allowed anything in the house so how will these talents mark them out as any different to Ziggy. awwww Ziggy. Love typing that. Make ziggy appear. Make his dog appear *rush of nostalgia*
Hello all, he said talking into the void. I do hope word spreads or this could get lonely. For the Hijack, that's why we're back. I know about as much as you. Want to come along for the ride? Of course you do. We can start bitching about Ricky Gervais in that oh-so-brainy and piercing bit of comment, the Christmas Extras special. Like he said BB was shallow and stuff. The celebs and the viewers. Like us, shallow? Like, we have a case to answer? Do you think Kerry Katona's going to be on it? Who are the specially skilled people? Shallow? Like, us?
Tim Teeman is deputy Arts Editor of The Times and a TV critic
Caitlin Moran writes on television and popular culture for The Times
Damian Barr works from home. Enough said.
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