So the news that's rocked/popped the outside world has finally seeped into the BB House.
Federico Martone - Glaswegian from BB4 - returned to the
house to compete against Noirin
as part of this week's Shopping Task. He let slip to the Rabbit that
things were worse than bad for MJ and she characteristically rushed off
to tell everyone else saying: "He was an icon of my time." Her time,
mind you--not our time.Siavash said the news: "makes you realise all the things that are happening outside". The ever philosophical Rodrigo added: "One of the most important and famous
singers, who everyone loved, has died. I am upset, now we will just
think about this."
While you're all thinking about that, consider that Freddie received not one nomination this week. Not one.
Davina was just so Superman II on Friday night. With the exception of
the slashed troos (and we can't be sure she hadn't velcro-ed those up)
she was a dead ringer for Ursa. A cursory search reveals Ursa outfits
for hire at various reputable fancy dress outlets up and down the
country.
In other, shallow looks-related thinking, Freddie looks more like a
person and less like a demented Fraggle now he's shaved his head. Not
that I want to join the ranks of his special men-friends, I hasten to
add.
So Nikki and Brian are set to revisit the house (Nasty Nick has
supposedly pulled out after being told he wasn't being paid). Wouldn't
it be brilliant if none of the housemates recognised them? Sort of like
David Tennant shunning Sylvester McCoy (and who could blame him). We
shall see.
After complaining last week that Davina and cronies gave Sree an easy ride in his eviction interview, last night I felt that they stuck it to Kris rather unfairly. Sure, he was an arse to Halfwit at times, and yes, he was full of himself, but did he really deserve to be served up all that body language bollocks and told he was faking it with Sophie? It was supremely harsh. I totally buy his line that the reason he wasn't soppy and didn't look madly in love was he was unsure of Sophie's feelings and didn't want to look like a moron. Perhaps I'm just being sucked in, though, like I was by Noirin? After all, he's a self-confessed womaniser. New housemates should shake things up. Unfortunately I'm going to miss the magic moment when they appear. Am off on holiday for a week. Wishing you a tawdry, scandelous, sensational week of BB. Catch you in a week. x
Oh Noirin! I had her back! I stood up for her when Sree stalked, when the Wolverine went rabid, when Halfwit turned on her. But even I can't throw her a bone now. Not even a little chicken one. Not even an I Can't Believe It's Not a Bone bone.
She swore to Siavash that if he told her what people had been saying about her, she would never repeat it. Then she repeated it. Worse, she repeated it out of an obsessive need to be liked at all costs. It was easier for her to betray Siavash's confidence than believe anyone had said anything bad about her. She was quickly willing to take Karly's word over his because it meant she could live in a naive little world where everyone liked her and no-one thought she resembled a small, randy, hutch-dwelling pet. Needless to say, I am no longer wearing Noirin-tinted glasses. But I do need some sort of optometry aid after once again being subjected to Marcus in his caveman suit. It's possible, however, that my ears suffered worse damage. What was that drivel he was spouting about pulling the truck? "I kid you not, I have pulled full cargos. When I used to do mechanics,
I used to pull and push them around all day. I could do this myself.
You may as well stay here, I'll do it myself." OK, hard man, whatever you say.
I managed to control the urge to lop off both ears though and was well rewarded for it. That soap-opera-inspired rant of Halfwit's, complete with stabbing finger motions, was the stuff of dreams. It took me back to Santa Barbara circa 1986, when Cruz and Eden used to have those dramatic fights before making up down at the beach or in some hideaway house where they were staying while on the run. You know what? I reckon last night's episode has to be declared the season's best so far.
Yesterday I wondered if I was blind to Noirin's ways. Now I am just blind. I poked my own eyes out after seeing Marcus's hairy moobs hanging out of that caveman unitard last night. Prior to sacrificing my vision for the good of my soul, I watched him reveal himself to be a deluded, narcissistic, talented manipulator. He only accused Noirin of being lazy to punish her for not being attracted to excessive facial hair and Billy Ray Cyrus-esque mullets. Then, when she, quite understandably, got angry, he told her she was ruining everyone's day by "creating an atmosphere". He went on to claim that "the last thing I want to do is upset you". Ba ha ha! That's the only thing he wants to do. Well, other than be Hugh Jackman, obviously. And what about the power he thinks he wields? "Anyone in my group won't fail mentally, cos I won't let 'em". Right. Can't stand him. Noirin, my darling, hang in there.
Seriously! She is! Apparently it's part of the Big Brother 10th birthday celebration. The squealer from BB 7 is going in on Sunday, we hear, to do some sort of task with the housemates. She'll be followed by a different former housemate each day until Friday. This could be good, or just one really loud tantrum.
Five are up for nomination. Five! And yet somehow I'm more interested in who Noirin will snag next with her wiley womanly charms. Sree, Halfwit and Marcus have all fallen under her spell and lived to rue the day. Then there's Siavash, who is royally pissed off at her for judging his outfits (seriously why's she making a fuss? Doesn't everyone have at least one harlequin mask on standby for casual wear?). All of this can mean only one thing: the woman is bad news. And yet, I still can't see the evil in her. She seems really quite nice. And I don't even think she's that much of a flirt. This could mean one of four things:
1. Noirin isn't a bad person and the boys are randy and deluded
2. I am naive and blind
3. I have fallen under Noirin's spell
4. All of the above Either way, we must give thanks to Noirin. Without her we would never have got those killer images of Marcus that went to air last night. The shot of him sitting outside, head in hands, long mullet blowing dramatically in the wind surely deserves some sort of Bafta. And then there was that Rocky sequence, when he pulled up his hood and paced about the garden, glowering menacingly. Comedy gold. But down to business: who should go? Having spent the past few weeks plotting Halfwit's demise, I'm now favouring a Sophie eviction. Halfwit, I've realised, is providing so much of the house's tension that if he were to leave, the show would shift down a gear. Ditto Marcus, Charlie and Kris. Sophie, page 3 shoots await. Say your goodbyes...
Rodrigo and Charlie what are you boys doing? I think the sex drought that is the BB house has driven Rodrigo into Charlie's big arms. I don't think Rodrigo lurves Charlie I just think he's gone 4 weeks without and, well, any port in a storm--even Newcastle. The tussles and fights and craving for physical contact speak of frustration rather than desire. Meanwhile, in DelusionVille, Marcus really thinks that Noirin wants him. Oh yes, she wants you bad you mulleted turtle-jawed saddo. The house, for those of you who don't know, is not an alternate universe where the rules of attraction are magically suspended or even reversed. The tragic thing about Marcus is, he'd think he was in with a chance even on the outside. This is a man who didn't open new toys as a child because he didn't want to experience disappointment. What makes you think he'd have opened his mind or sense of self?
So Sophie has been cast in both roles (the two roles women are best suited to-OBVIOUSLY). In the house she's putting her love on the line for Kris while beseeching him not to break her fragile inexperienced heart. Then, on the outside, we learn she had her boobs enlarged as soon as she got the keys to the BB house and we're treated to a eye full in her new 'strip' video. Which is she? The answer, of course, is neither-both. Oh for the days when they got a PR and sold their nakedness after the show. Sree got 85% of the vote. I think I might stake some of my housekeeping on Freddie.
Rodrigo has a backbone! Who would have thought he was capable of yelling: "You were like a snake in the grass!"? Who would have thought he would pull out that old soap standby: "Don't touch me!"? He made that thieving Charlie cry for goodness sake! And all over a couple of cans of stolen beer. Go, Rodrigo, Go!
Pffft! They went easy on him. Especially that Kelly Osbourne. "You were a gentleman with impeccable manners". Say what? He was but a pair of night vision goggles away from being a professional stalker. Enjoyed the moment where the body language specialist tried to explain to him why he had begun swearing, and he just went into a daze and stared at her for about 10 minutes. Was he falling in love with her, darling? Or wondering when he would be able to talk about his student union presidency again? Or perhaps he was promising himself 200 per cent that he was going to call those gods, his mother and father, as soon as he'd finished telling Davina that they'd be close friends forever. Don't know quite what to make of the Wolverine/Sree debacle. Anyone?
Let's piece together a prediction of what he'll say upon being evicted. I'll start: "I promise you, my darling..."
Halfwit must have thought he was having a wet dream when he found out his task was to sing Nessun Dorma. Karly, meanwhile, was stuck in a living nightmare. Such an interesting juxtaposition: his gleeful, spirited singing; her grimaces turning that face ever more rodent-like. And it all culminated in such a brilliant argument, causing Halfwit to utter, in one of those victimised voices he specialises in: "I don't want to do what Freddie wants". Such fun.
But not quite as good as seeing Siavash dressed like a total berk. Now that was a barrel of laughs (see what I did there?). Especially enjoyed watching him clutching the front of the barrel for balance. Very much appeared as though he was lovingly supporting a pair of pendulous moobs. Speaking of moobs, why aren't there any fat people this year? Normally they throw in a token overweight contestant, or at least someone of a normal size for the glamour model types to look pityingly at. But Wolverine's slight layer of flab is all we've been thrown this year. Is this some kind of Fat Police conspiracy?
Big Brother is undergoing a recession in my personal economy. My problem (apart from the temptation of sunshine) is simple. While I find Marcus disgusting and sad I do not hate him. He does not get my dander up--there is no real icon of loathing. No bitch, no bully, no must-see baddy. No one I love to hate. There is also no one I really love. There's no one I am desperate to vote for either way. I am scared by this. So Sree or HalfWit? I struggle to care. Sree is favourite to go as we perversely keep Freddie in. It remains to be seen whether this is a full-blown recession or merely a dip.
Sophie: It reminds me of them things off Dr Who - congetils? Combustors? Philipines? What are they called? Those little robot things. Jeti?
Kris: Jedis
Sophie: Jedis
Kris: How did you get Jedis and Philipines muddled up?
Sophie: I was getting there with the "p"
Kris: Philipines is with an "f"
So The Stalker and The Singer are up for eviction. I feel dizzy. Can't quite tell if it's a symptom of happiness or confusion. I've wanted Halfwit gone for so long but now that he's up against Sree I've lost all clarity. Halfwit may be the world's single most irritating human being but at least he is a human being. Sree, I'm convinced, is a leach stuck tight to Noirin, sucking the life from her. Hell, who would have thought it would come to this: I want Halfwit to stay.
Been away at Glastonbury (sorry for lack of comms). Was sure I'd come back to find that Halfwit had been evicted. But no, the world is against me. They are out to rob me of all TV pleasure. They want me to suffer a mind meltdown so severe that I'll forever be seeing furry hats where there are none and hearing sexual sounds each time food is mentioned. How is he hanging on? He is so truly annoying and so deluded as to his own merits. Does anyone really believe all that stuff he was spinning about having three girls waiting for him outside the house? Does anyone actually buy that he can get any guy at any club that he wants? Was anyone else screaming and clawing at their TV sets when he asked Kris, "What is it that's so annoying about me?" I've gone off Sophie now too. Don't get me wrong - I was never on her (like half of The Sun readers wish they were). I just thought she was sort of sweet and harmless for a piece of fluff. But after watching her talking, or rather not talking, to Kris last night, I've given up on her. She's so mindless, so dull as to be offensive. He opened up, told her how he felt, told her he was hurt and upset. Her response? A limp grin, a tepid giggle and an attempt to comb through a glug of mascara coating her left set of eyelashes.
It's been too hot to do anything beyond sag in the shade with my overheated Girls. They're all limp and loving. SCORCHIO! We here in Brighton have escaped the deluges regularly seen dousing the BB House. My Girls would like to point out that their eggs are fragrant, fresh and not at all foul (no pun intended). When he's free, Rodrigo can have one boiled, scrambled--any way he likes it. Marcus. I've finally realised who and what the mulleted moron looks like. It's not Wolverine. From the animal kingdom it's everyone's favourite amphibious reptile--the snapping turtle! He has the same undershot jaw and aggressive nature. He also bears the brow of the poster boy from original The Hills Have Eyes.
 I know Sree is beyond annoying but it really was too mean to say 'any team with Sree on would lose'. It brings back the full tribal horror of school sport's day (I can't be the only tall asthmatic gay boy who was picked last, can I?). As for Freddie and his experience with the 'sexually available' gaities. Speaking on behalf of all gayers (yet again) I'd like to say I don't know a single man-who-loves-men who'd consider Freddie as a sex object. If you're reading this and you are one of the "30 to 40" men who have carnal knowledge of Freddie please get in touch. We can help.
V V annoyed that we can see them nominate but they can't (so far) see each other. Missing a trick surely? In the order they were called: Angel just unfazed. Straight in there with Sree 'I like him and...he's good guy' and then 'Are you ready for the second? Siavash.' She's just ruthless. A nomination uzi. Dogface. Swiftly nominates Angel for never cleaning up and being backstabbing. She doesn't really like Freddie, to be honest. Freddie HalfWit: Kris for his 'fake romance'. Sree because he's two-faced'. Dogface (without drawing breath and in broad Fife): Angel cos she steals, she exercises compulsively, she told somebody she was fat, she had very negative attitude, she brings people down in the house including myself. Halfwait is far too eccentric for me, I hate the way he eats his food, I hate the way when you come into a romo it's like HIHIHIH and I find him very difficult to live wae'. Kris: Halfwit for being patronising. Angel has apparently given the girls 'complexes about weight issues'. Apparently neither of these people are 'valid members of the group'. What? Lisa: Angel for making the girls conscious of their 'pregnant' bodies. Halfwit for reason that aren't clear. he involves himself in other people's arguments. Er, isn't she the go-between in any row? BREAK They think it's all over. At this point HalfWit and Angel have 4 nominations each. PART 2: I barely had time to pour another drink. Marcus: Who? Who insulted HIS English culture? As a Scot who lives with the enemy let me say the English culture I know is not his. His filthy Pirelli calendar culture. Oh Sree. And Lisa. Probably because she hasn't flattered his sagging ego. His ego is like a balloon at the end of a party. Norin: Angel for basically slagging off her appearance. All delivered at break-neck speed. HalfWit for going to bed early, for making eating noises (a reason I can get behind) and for apparently having entered Angel. Queen Rodrigo: Sree (pronounced Cherie as in Blair). Listening to him takes me back to the heady days of Eldorado--the greatest soap that never was. Halfwit. Siavish: Angel who tried to steal a photo, we're told. Sree for stealing and lying. What was cut out? What was that birdnoise for? Was a President assassinated in the gap? Was a moonlanding faked? What? WHAT? Sree: HalfWit because, well, you heard the ridiculousness of 'stuff' for yourself. Siavash for his inappropriate language around 'sexual orientation activities' and 'bad language'. You've been swearing all the time you multi-faced little beast! You blasphemed as the credits rolled. He's also been leching like an alley cat. Ok, Sree is now my most-hated housemate. Angel and HalfWit (3rd week in row) are up. Not a thrilling opposition. I reckon she might walk.
I love Lady Charlie and Queen Rodrigo. Angel also looks better in Tudor garb. Kurly Kris looks like a junior Spanish ambassador with urgent tidings to impart. Hey nonny, nonny! Davina has tricked me into watching the later live nomination show which I STILL don't get. Will they seem one another nominate? I want to see Sree--especially after Norin had such a go over stolen booze. I loathe all the scrabbling and stealing and not sharing. My chickens are better at sharing (tonight they had a little dainty side plate of fish, chips and peas. I also washed Violet's vent--it gets claggy as she's so fancy-feathered). Loving Dogface's proper Fife accent: 'Dinna stress. It's aboot yoo noo.'
Tim Teeman is Arts Editor of The Times and a TV critic
Damian Barr works from home. Enough said
Veronica Schmidt writes on arts and entertainment for Times Online
Alex Hardy writes on Television for The Times
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