January 27, 2006Right. I'm done.It's been a joy. Thanks for reading and commenting; for realising that this ghastly programme had sucked you in, and wallowing in it, with me and the wonders of Caitlin, India and Tim. There might be another blog along in a week or two - watch this space. Off to the pub. Might make last orders. You lot, too. Get out of the house, for God's sake. Bye now. Please notethat as Davina treads around the one question that everybody wants Michael to answer, Chantelle, on screen in the background, is still talking. Who to? It's Chantelle.Big Brother has officially jumped the shark. Ew.Nothing phases Maggot, apparently, because he's "had SAS training". FFS, as I gather the young people say on the bulletin boards. You know what really annoys me?"Coming to get you" my arse. She never actually does go to get anybody. She just hangs about outside. Lazy cow. Seriously,if Barrymore wins, I am going to sick up on my shoes. Prestonwas as boring as always. Nothing to say about Preston. Feel a bit sorry for his girlfriend, mind. But I doubt many girls shack up with 21yr old popstars and think it is forever. How could she not ask Pete about the coat?But how unexpectedly touching to see him reunited with his boyfriend. Although he'll probably be even happier to be reunited with his coat. Darn it. Switched on late.Was Traci any good? Thus far, FYI, our poll is comprehensively wrong. Hold on.Pete has gone blond again. Did I just imagine him being a brunette for a week? It did happen, didn't it? Maybe his hair changes colour depending on his mood. Like those rings that teenage goths used to wear. Traci has just denied that she has ever had a boob job."What she means," clarified Pete, "is that her boobs have never had a job." Maggot doesn't want to win"I don't see the point," he says. "It's not like you get anything. And we've heard that whoever wins has to do an extra hour of interviews. And I can't really be arsed with that." The End is Nigh...... and I actually have NO IDEA anymore about who might win. My money's currently on Chantelle, but only just. It could be Preston, but he's suddenly started looking a bit wet. I also have the feeling that old Petey might come racing to the fore tonight, and totter off with the prize. And then of course it's entirely possible that all those people who were cheering Barrymore wildly when he went in will jam the phone lines. And then there's Maggot. It's impossible to tell. And that is my feeble insight of the morning. Whoagh Wins?You decide etc etc. Our poll is live, and has been for a while, over there on the right. Click it. Vote. Currently Chantelle is in the lead, which depresses the hell out of me. What is she going to with fame? If she doesn't vanish into Nasty Nick-esque obscurity within weeks, ultimately the best she can hope for is being on one of those MOR masturbation fantasy tube station adverts for Chicago. What have we been doing with our lives?CHANTELLE: Traci! TRACI: Chantelle! CHANTELLE: Oh my god! We're, like, getting evicted! TRACI: Oh my god! CHANTELLE: Oh my god! TRACI: Oh my god! CHANTELLE: That is awesome! TRACI: Oh my GOD! We’re getting evicted! CHANTELLE: Oh my god! TRACI: Oh my god! I have to leave! CHANTELLE: Oh my god! January 26, 2006Galloway on Radio 2"The world is in flames. The Liberal Democrat party is imploding. There is war and pestilence and disease in the world. Why are we talking on national radio for 10 minutes about me, for charity, pretending to be a cat?” One could equally ask him why, in the same circumstances, he was pretending to be a cat in the first place. But still, fair comment. Meanwhile, on Radio 1 this morning, One of Chris Moyles' sidekicks played a clip from the CBB press conference of last night. he asked Galloway some sort of hostile question, about being a bitter old man, and an aide could be heard, clearly, saying "Do you want me to punch him, George?" I approve of this. As he is no longer in any sense a politician, I officially like George Galloway. She's wrong, but it's sort of understandable.Late last night, Traci is in conversation with Maggot. "I think you and Chantelle and Pete and Preston are the moles and the whole thing is between me and Michael." The other three, sure, but imagine thinking that Pete was just some average punter. Mind you, Traci is from LA. Even the binmen probably look like Pete in LA Dennis againTwo questions to ponder, of a morning... a) Why on earth did he call George a bigamist? What did he mean to say? Bigot? Polemicist? Botanist? b) Just how out of line was Davina's Madonna question? January 25, 2006And also Dennis"Whoa. So youre, like, this Davina chick? What is it that you do?" George goes
and already, I think I miss him. Our poll (see right)bucks the trend yet again. George is the obvious favourite for eviction, but most authorities seem to reckon he'll be joined by Dennis. According to our poll, however, he'll be joined by Chantelle. Don't bet the house. Just saying. An unfortunately-worded email from the London Labour Party"Long before George Galloway befriended Uday, his reputation as a brutal, murdering multi-rapist was well known". - Jim Fitzpatrick, Minister for London Even the Daily Telegraph didn't accuse him of that. (with thanks to Recess Monkey) I wonder if somebody has told Georgeabout the Daily Telegraph thing. He seems really happy today, all bouncy and Tiggerish. You know, more Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon than Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Mind you, bit harsh to tell him about the Telegraph and not about Uday. And he obviously doesn't know about that. Today, the housemates have been making a movieof the most memorable moments in the house, with each of them having to play somebody else. The others wanted Pete to play a girl. He got quite cross. ActuallyI think i'll just place this here and leave you all to have fun with it on your own. It doesn't really need me, does it? As the end draws near...PRESTON: I'd do this again if I hadn't done it but I'd never do anything like this again. If they had a kid, it would be stupider than Jodie Marsh. Russell thingy, on E4-- Big Brother's Big Mouth, I think it's called -- is the man-twin of Nigella Lawson. It's really weird, separated-at-birth stuff. I wish I knew how to post pictures. I've stopped being bored now. I'm just aghast. Pete, who I wanted to win many aeons ago, is like a horrible, gossipy, curtain-twitching fishwife, constantly stirring. He reminds me of Ron Dixon from Brookside. In fact, he reminds me of Bev from Brookside too. He is a one-person Casa BevRon. Galloway is so wildly delusional that you have to wonder whether he's quite all there. I still don't understand 60% of what Dennis is saying. Most disturbingly of all, last night I felt a flicker of sympathy for Barrymore. Only a very small flicker, but still. Troubling times. Preston's going to win, right? January 24, 2006We're not seeing much of Barrymore, are we?Am I the only person who worries that this is because he's so nuts that the producers don't want us to know? I cant escape the fear that he's spending all day every day in the shed, crying and writing "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES MIKE A DULL BOY" on the wall in a mixture of his own blood and the fragments of stolen cigarettes. Full circleI’m starting to feel a bit sorry for George. I really am. He’s lost it, and they’re picking on him. Last night he flipped out after discovering that Preston and Chantelle had had booze, food, fags, whores, coke etc on tap in their private club. “We’ll see what the viewers thought of your double standards, your indignation about me and the aplomb with which you become lying plutocrats!” he roared at them. Which obviously got the message across to Chantelle like anything. Then he had a go at Dennis, then Michael, then even Traci. Eventually, Big Brother rewarded them all for passing the task by giving them each “a personal gift of something they might be missing during their time in the house”. Traci got hair-straighteners. George got a copy of the Communist Manifesto. Bit bored now.Still watching, obviously, but with less pleasure. Even slightly wearied by George Galloway's stomping around like a furious and malevolent toddler, which was once so pleasing and hilarious. And he's clearly going to get the boot tomorrow night, which -- though richly, richly deserved -- will make things even duller. I'd rather watch him glowering withg his cigar and issuing bizarre, self-agrandising threats than Traci simpering and showing her thong. I think BB's policy of encouraging division 24 hours a day has become tiresome. It's not fun watching people being grumpy all the time. And they haven't got that much to be grumpy about, so the endless repetition of the young/old, Preston's sly eyes/Preston's kind eyes thing is getting on my nerves. But maybe it's just me.... January 23, 2006An oak-lined study.A gigantic tray of scones. Champagne on ice. Cigarettes ALREADY PLACED IN HOLDERS. I'm actually moved by how very much I want to be a member of Big Brother's Private Member's Club. I think it might be my Club Tropicana. Whooagh Goaaaghs, ep 4Who should be evicted this week? Once again, please vote in our poll. It's been up, at the side for a while, and is already interesting. Arguably. StrangeFor convoluted reasons which I don't have the energy to understand - much less relate - the inmates of the Celebrity Big Brother house have spent much of today and yesterday dressed as City bankers. At least, they are supposed to look like City bankers. Preston actually looks like a character from A Clockwork Orange, and Pete actually looks like a cross between one of the Bangles and the anthropomorphism of castration anxiety. Still, there’s a banking theme. It’s some sort of task. It warps you, this programmeThat bit below, the *stares* bit, it just came on in our office. Sky News, I think. The sound was off, so I don't know what they were saying about it. Me, I'm desensitised. I've seen the cat thing, I've seen the shouts and the fights and the bumhole of Pete Burns. The sight of George Galloway - dancing like a robot, trying to convey the emotion felt when you call a cute little dog and it just won't come - it intrigues, it revolts, but not for long. But lots of my office isn't watching regularly. Well, we're a respectable newspaper. They heard about the cat thing, but when an actual MP appears on the screen, dancing like a robot in a red bodysuit, with his microphone shoved down by his crotch, leading to a disturbing squareness, real people, people who aren't immersed in our hell, are astonished. We've lost that. I miss it. January 22, 2006Big Brother have a new accessory for George Galloway - a petardGeorge's blithe assumption that he is the cleverest and most "articulate" one in the house got smacked back down on its arse today. In a nutshell, George has been slagging people off behind their backs, and discussing nominations. Big Brother doesn't like people discussing the nominations. It is against the rules.
Actually, this bit was quite goodThe house. MAGGOT and TRACI discuss Goldie Lookin' Chain at Glastonbury 2005. MAGGOT: We invited loads of our friends on stage and because they're not used to jumping around and being quite so physical we came off stage and one of my friends was sick on Joss Stone's Wellingtons. (Silence) TRACI: Right. Okay. (A pause) MAGGOT: I'm sorry. (Another pause) MAGGOT: Cigarette? Sorrybut nothing has been happening this weekend. It's been as dull as anything. Michael is cracking up even more, and has started bickering with Dennis about cigarettes, in a slightly meaningless fashion. He argues like a child. A bald, mad, slurring child. Pete has been visiting the diary room, to tell them he's worried that Michael will have a breakdown. Imagine having Pete Burns concerned for your mental health. It's like having Michelle McManus worrying about your diet. In other news, as a result of a nominations process to convoluted and contrived to bother you with, Chantelle, Dennis and George are all up for eviction on Wednesday. Although they don't know it, two of them will go. Dennis and George, I reckon. January 20, 2006Rula goesAs predicted by our poll. And by every other poll. What next for Rula? I'm thinking pet food commericals. I'm thinking slinky nightwear for the mature lady. I'm thinking adverts for Viagra in the back of Private Eye. And now I'm thinking I'm going to be sick. Ah well. It seems that Pete didn't know that the police had his coat.He went looking for it, noticed it was missing and stormed off to the diary room. Then he came back, stood in the middle of the kitchen and, well, made bird noises for a while. Then he calmed down. PETE: There are old ladies on council estates getting robbed, and they arrest my coat. GEORGE: Maybe it was Jodie's revenge. PETE: They should have arrested her saggy tits. The bile remains, the wit dims. Shame. Today, a whale was spotted in the Thames.Meanwhile, back in the Big Brother house: "Pete, your new coat has arrived!" Dennis on Traci:"I've known Traci for nine years and she's way fragile. She's not smart, she tries to be stupid, tries to play this trust role. She's, what's the word, ditzy. She has a barbie doll type thing going on." Spot on, I'd have thought. Hidden in the middle of all that guff about "growth" and "like, loving myself, as a person" I had Traci down as, potentially, dumber than Chantelle. But now I'm told that, actually, before buying breasts and and squeezing actually not very much of them into a red swimsuit, she studied psychology at Harvard. Can it be true? Do you thinkthat Channel 4 cameramen keep giving us those shots up Pete's shorts/miniskirt/kimono/whatever when he climbs over the sofa on purpose? They make me feel like Oedipus, brooding with a brooch. January 19, 2006I felt weirdly moved watching Preston watching Chantelle describe her painting – ‘It’s got big earrings because I’ve got big earrings. It’s got long hair because I’ve got long hair. It’s got bright colours because I like bright colours,’ etc. He had the slightly nauseated look on his face of a man who’s quite far gone, knows it, doesn’t necessarily like it, but is powerless to do anything about it. The look says ‘I know she’s stupid. I can’t bear it for her. I feel humiliated on her behalf. This makes me love her more.’ And Pete and Tracy (or is it Traci, with a big smiley dotting the ‘i’?) -- what was that about? That draggy, mean ‘I’m being vile because I can’ thing – so Eighties London clubs – is only funny if the object of your derision can bite back, or at least bare their little lasered teeth, no? Otherwise it just looks a bit sad. And he was wearing profoundly unattractive pants. My feelings towards Pete are confused. I might have stopped loving him, I'm thinking. Brilliant.He faced down the Senate. Now he's stammering like a schoolboy under the onslaught of a lanky Welsh comedy rapper. Stop pressOr blog. Or whatever. We've just heard. It isn't gorilla. The police had it tested and, although they didn't rule out it being some sort of unprotected monkey, it definitely isn't gorilla. So there you go. It's as fake as he is. Details here. Pete's collar feltAfter "a flood of complaints from viewers", the boys in blue have come to take away Pete's coat ... you know, the one that probably isn't made out of a gorilla. Someone really needs to rob a bank or something in Hertfordshire. "The coat in question has been handed across to police officers from Hertfordshire Constabulary," says a spokesman. "The coat will now be tested to determine its origin. Hertfordshire Constabulary will take positive action to investigate any allegation of criminal activity." That was nasty.Late last night, George and Preston were called to the diary room. Ostensibly, they were being punished for discussing nominations. As punishment, they had to nominate three people to face eviction on Friday. But that wasn't the nasty bit. The nasty bit was that their whole time in the diary room was broadcast to the rest of the house. Preston nominated Traci. Traci was so shocked that she actually stopped smiling. Then he nominated Maggot, for saying something nasty to Chantelle. Maggot sat on the sofa (blue shellsuit, still) looking faintly sick. Then George, even after all, even after The Cat Thing, nominated Rula. "She's trying too hard," he said. Rula looked ... hmmm. What did she look like? I remember. She looked like whatshername from One Foot In The Grave, at the exact moment when, during the episode in which she suspects her husband of having an affair, she starts applying tea tree oil to the tissues he uses to wipe himself clean after taking a wee. Yeah. She took a pull on her beer, and looked like that. All the housemates outside agreed not to mention anything when the other two came out. But then Dennis told them, immediately. What do we think about this? Fair play? Or did it break the sacred covenant of trust between Big Brother and housemates? I think the latter. I'm a bit shocked. I'm also shocked that I care enough to be shocked, but that's probably beside the point. January 18, 2006Faria goes!I am so smug. And, frankly, a little relieved. George's awakening...After yesterday's Richard and Judy GEORGE (thoughtful): They gave the impression there is enormous interest in the show. And trouble. CHANTELLE (confused): What do you mean, trouble? GEORGE (still thoughtful): They said, "we can't tell you what the papers, public or the MPs have been saying". So the MPs must be attacking me for being in here. RULA (hopeful): Or congratulating you for coming in? GEORGE (silence, a disbelieving stare, and a slow solitary walk to the garden) Preston says"Psychologically, hugging makes you live longer." What can this mean? Random bit of informationFor my 40th birthday party, just before Christmas, I got it into my head that I really wanted Pete Burns to come and sing You Spin Me Round. So we got on to his agent, who said he'd do it for ten grand. Ten grand! For three and a half minutes! They would have be a most especial and memorable few minutes, but still. All those Eighties bands are still around and available for bookings, though a number of them are (surprise!) raddled old cokeheads. Have a look at the TDPromo site and click on 'classic roster' to see who you might like at your party. Nik Kershaw, anyone? On a similar note (see below)how many cheap-looking leopard-print tops does Rula own? It's all she ever seems to wear. Does she have about eight identical ones? Or does she wear the same one every day because she thinks it gives George the horn? We need to know. Maggot is worried about Traci"I think she's chracking up," he told Big Brother. "I've never seen anybody change five times a day and apply three different sets of make-up." How many shellsuits has Maggot brought into the house? According to the Channel 4 website, he "boasts a range of shell suits that would make Jimmy Saville green with envy". I thought he only had one shellsuit. Possibly, this is because I am so middle class that, to me, all shellsuits look the same. Yesterday, Maggot's shellsuit was dark blue. January 17, 2006Galloway was just on Richard and JudyI missed it. Apparently he did a mobile phone link-up from the house, and won £140 on You Play We Play by describing what was on photographs that he could see, but Richard and Judy couldn't. One of the seven he got right was a pic Saddam Hussein. I gather Galloway described him as "the former dictator of Iraq". Not "a man whose courage, strength and indefatigability I once saluted". Sadly. I'm interested in that poll.I wonder what the average age of the people who visit this blog is. My teenage son's friends, male and female, all want Pete out, not because they find him particularly disconcerting but because of the coat. They really, really strongly object to the wearing of fur, in a manner I find quite surprising. I'm not mad about it either, but I wouldn't base an entire 'get him out' strategy around the fact that he either genuinely has a gorilla coat (with long white bits... some gorilla) or that he was winding everyone up. But their whole school is busily trying to vote him out on that basis. Free money. Maybe.According to the bookies, latest odds on the next person to be evicted (tomorrow) are Pete Burns on 5/6, Faria Alam on 3/1 and Dennis Rodman on 21/5, making Pete the clear favourite. Yet our poll has Faria (46%), storming ahead of Dennis (29%) and Pete (24%). If we're right (and we've had enough votes to make it seem likely) Pete is going nowhere. Moreover, canny punters could make a packet on Faria. If our office firewall didn't forbid it quite so explicitly, I'd certainly give it a shot. WHOAGH GOAGHS?One again, we offer you the chance to vote, for free, here. Chantelle's pop career is doomed from the start.Because, as soon as Pete leaves the house (says the Sun) "record bosses" have sworn to re-release his one great hit (and, indeed, reason for existing) You Spin Me Round (Like A Record). And yes, I know I'm using a lot of brackets in this post (it just seems to be happening). Is this a good idea? (The record, not the brackets. Enough of them, already.) There are schoolchildren across the land, surely, whose parents won't let them watch Big Brother. They won't be able to escape a hit single. And Pete Burns was, let us not forget, the single, sole, most powerful reason why every straight schoolboy in the 1980s was scared of gays. NominationsDennis, Faria, Pete up for eviction. Faria has begun to stare bleakly at Dennis while rhythmically licking her chops. This, we understand, signifies sexual intent. Although it may be just another naughty cat impression. Traci has offered to set up a secret date for the pair when they leave the house. A date that no one will know about, because come on, how on earth would they find out? |
