Big Brother Blog - Times Online - WBLG

Squint

Is it possible... could it be... it can't... didn't it..?
I'm floating this one, so grab ahold: Could they all be transexuals? Squint as your looking at the screen and you'll see what I mean. They are aren't they?

Why does Charleycab always look angry when she's preening in the mirror? What's she got to be miffed about? Apart from her very existence.... and Moyles.

And what did M. Night Shabnam mean by 'Orgasm time! Orgasm time!' when all of them were in the solarium/diary room together? I've heard of this stuff happening before; you know... women.... all living together. Synching of menstrual cycles and all that. Eating toothpaste at exactly the same time... with an 80% chance of rain.... ALWAYS. How weird is that? Dead weird. Totally.
A bit like The Da Vinci Code... but noisier.

Assorted weirdos of the world unite (here)

Apparently, not everyone is welcoming the return of BB with the same manifest glee as the residents of Times House. Over on the official, un-official Manchester United chat room a rather stern-sounding, Stalinist editor has warned his regulars as follows:

Official Big Brother thread: Summer 2007
This thread is for the collection of assorted weirdos who are actually going to waste their summer watching this abortion, before coming on the internet seeking to discuss it with fellow morons.

Anyone polluting the rest of the forum with anything to do with this c**tfest will be banned for 24 hours - the only exemption from this will be for those detailing the latest instances of knobheadery from the Richardson clan.

Fear not, any Man U fans seeking fellow morons to discuss the knobheadery [good word] of Charley, or indeed any of the other lay-dees whether related to Kieran Richardson or otherwise, should come and join the thousands of assorted weirdos who will be hanging out here for the next several weeks. (I'm not sure we have the technology to do it but anyone posting about football will be banned. for 48 hours.)

That Emily was already my fave

even before i read this.

The twins could be quite fun. Though why do they sound like they are from Liverpool when in fact they are from Newcastle?

Amy Winehouse

in the sweet wrapper. Shabnam. Is angry. Way intense. Says she's happy, murderously. Stalking around the house, facing down the twins. Lesley is still dressed for a quiet lunch, not a crease. What a woman.

Krusty the cleaner

She's skinning up in the "smoking area". She's an individual, OK? OK? Good, OK.

Tracey's tongue

"I want to blow off," said Tracey, bum primed to guff. Lesley very firmly pointed her in the direction of the bathroom. I like Lesley. What has happened to Tracey's tongue? Does "'avin' it", and "buzzin" mean one's tongue is wedged between one's teeth like a scary old man in the park? Ravers out there, 'avin it, guidance please.

Chromosomes

The Twins - aka pinky and perky (both of them)
Best quote: 'We like the same everything all the time'
Best observation: 'Everyone speaks dictionary language' 100% correct
They'll share the only fit boy in the house. But why are they dressing like 8 year-olds? I hate pink already. Lollipops. Great, now that that racism debate is done and dusted, welcome to Lolita Time!!! And true to form, those dirty little babies went straight in the bath... with their lollipops. They'll get all sticky. Lollipops - oh please.

Lesley - aka Dick Emery
Best quote: 'Twins.... no, it's uncanny'
Used to be a stand-up comedian. She puts the 'man' in W.I. At least I heard that on the tranny earlier today...
By the look on her face, she'd no idea that two children could look the same. Two children with lollipops....

Charley - aka Hairy-Finger
The lapdansuh of the bunch (there's always one...)
With her name scrawled on her arm like that, she has something of the taxi cab about her. Admits to biting the hairs from her fingers.
She would have us all believe that she's never seen twins either.

Tracey - aka 'The Cleaner'
Who the hell has 'AVIT' on the floor of their home? What is that? Some kind of reminder?
Best Quote: 'I've never done a computer. Just dusts them every night.'
Went on about '...proper having it', and by the look of that jaw perhaps she proper ad' it just before they went on air.
Proper buzzin'', she's a carrier bag and a blown lightbulb collector. She insists that she's '...going to have a phat time in the house' . F***ing av' it.

Chanelle - aka David Beckaham... or the other one.
She wants to be a speech therapist in Spain. Doesn't she know he's going to L.A. - they speak right proper there, innit.
She's obsessed with Victoria Beckham and has '...everything to do with her'. And she's got other stuff that's got nothing to do with Victoria Beckham - like having a backside. Were those V.B.'s pants? That's not nice. Filthy.
Her favourite word is 'situation'.

Shabnam - aka Amy S***house
Like most of them, she confesses to being a nutter. And she has an irregular heartbeat. Mental illness and a heart condition. Quite a combination. Is she single?
Likes to read on the toilet. It's the only place she can relax. Isn't that as it should be?
Best quotes: ''...yes I'm selfish because sometimes you have to be selfish. So yes, I'm selfish', and 'Cheer me. I'm scared. Cheer me, cheer me. You're handsome. '
Her reaction upon meeting her fellow housemates suggests that she's never seen people before, let alone twins. I wish I'd never seen the twins, but it's too late. They're in my brains.

Emily - aka Nectarine Geldof
Did you know, there's a new music taking over our country and it's called 'indie'. I've just had Dinosaur Junior and James on the phone and they're considering their position. She was hoping that there would be a dirty rocker, Pete Doherty-type in the house. She should move to Dalston where there's a reasonable chance that there'll be a junky hiding behind your door every night when you get home.
Although she admits to stupid people annoying her, she's adamant that she will be voting Conservative at the next election. Her favourite drink is something called 'Liquid Cocaine'. If her Pete Doherty-type does indeed turn up, she could pour him one...or two.

Laura - aka 'Wangers'
Welsh - shave the head and its Dafydd. Very clean hair though. Very shiny. How do they do that... dem girls...

Nicky - aka 'The Banker'
She works in a bank. Hates men and thinks them to be nasty little creatures. She hates people ignoring her - if that happens, she releases her 'inner bitch'. So what'll that be like then? Will it be like when Prince Adam holds aloft his magic sword and shouts 'By the power of Grayskull. Cringer became Battlecat and I became HE-MAN... AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE'.
Probably a bit like that.
So don't for Christ's sake ignore her. Or bad stuff'll happen, m'kay?

Carole - aka Millie Tant... or The Genie from Aladdin
She's been cautioned a few times by police. At anti-apartheid demos... Greenham Common... so, it's been a while then, Carole. Anything more recent? This century? No? Nope. Well, listen thanks for coming by. It was lovely to meet you. Unlike the twins, she's not got a lollipop, she's not wearing pink and has a nice moustache.
Best quote: 'I'm going to leave them shaken s***less.'

Make Chris Moyles go away

Please. He is vile. In every way.

The World's Longest Hen Night

Close your eyes and don't look at it. Whatever you do don't look at it.

Alternatively, look what they've done. Look what they've made. Now, when does the stripper arrive? Friday, apparently...

Cars and Girls

She's teasing me. Davina is teasing me and she knows EXACTLY what she's up to....

Here comes the Ofcom message....

Oh, we're on. Hold tight.

I want my gran back.

A Scoundrel of Consequence...

Well, seeing as the other post titles were beginning to sound like Mills & Boon novels....

Sit back babies - here comes the main feature:

Somewhere.... in space..... in a lonely desert research facility.... in the open ocean... where no-one can hear you swim.....there is a place where only the weak survive.... where a child is born..... one man..... two men..... one man and two men go on a journey..... with one woman...... and another woman..... three men, two women and a child.....  from the Director of 'Flubber'.....and the Executive Producer of 'My Best Friend's Wedding'.... this summer the dead will rise..... there's just one problem..... (cue record scratch sound effect) - they're made entirely of complete 'stoopid'!!!!!!

Bring on the idiots.  Come out, come out wherever you are - I know you're in that shiny limo and I know you're not wearing any underwear - and everyone else will soon.  And yeah, that means you too: rumoured contestant from the W.I.  Your Victoria sponge isn't going to get you out of trouble this time.  Should've gone with the raspberry bun...

I had a carrier bag at the back of my walk in closet which contains all of my Big Brother accoutrements - my surf board, my speedos, a pina colada and some factor 30.  I fished it out at the weekend, and thanks be to The Almighty, only one of the contents had spoiled.  Can you guess which?  Answers on a postcard... 

I can only hope that tonight's formal apology (number 1 in a series of 3) is as cringe-worthy as one could hope.  Kick off those tatty old shoes and let the toe-curling commence.  Hey, if it helps take off those socks too.  What the hell, it's Wednesday.

Child prodigy...  Whoever could it be.  Go on, name five child prodigies.  Living.  You see, not so easy, eh? Now, if Lauren Harries is indeed going in the house, I swear I'm cancelling my summer holiday and diverting my clothing allowance towards Lauren-themed workout wear.  Feel the burn.

Right, onwards - LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!

Perfect Recipe

It is almost reassuring to see that pre-BB whispers suggest that the producers aren’t veering from their tried and tested recipe:

Ingredients:

An ethnic mix of: 1 stubborn old boot, 2 girls with blond hair and big boobs, 2 socially inept individuals, 1 ‘handsome’ guy (as slimey as possible), 2 gay men and/or women, 1 chav, 1 person with an incomprehensible accent, 1 older person with a loose grip on reality who has no idea what they are getting themselves into, 1 mother figure, 1 homophobe, 1 racist.

Cooking instructions:

Drop each ingredient into a small pressure cooker from a great height. Add a lot of cider, chlorinated water, bright colourings and preservatives. Cover with a heavy lid, stir constantly and reduce the mixture slowly. If it still tastes a bit bland, in a separate pot add a couple more blonds, a lesbian and a person with a history of mental health issues, for good measure. Add into the pressure cooker, stir thoroughly and reseal the lid. While reducing, the contents should create a big stink and whatever is left at the bottom of the pot should be scraped off and preserved in a glass jar for as long as possible.

Almost time

Hello, anyone there? We're back, haha. And so, forbidden to insult anyone on the grounds of race or religion (but hey that still leaves sexual orientation, gender, hair colour, fashion sense, breath, loads of weak points, LOADS of mean potential), the contestants prepare to step out of their limos wearing their party best, into the likely drizzle of a grim Hertforshire night and thence into the House. For any Times readers not reading a tabloid this morning (what are you doing on this blog? we do suggest regular tabloid reading for the immediate future), early predictions are the House will include a member of the Women’s Institute, a political protester, a former lap dancer and Natalie Rooney, cousin of dear old jug eared Shrek 'imself. One report says the first 12 housemates will all be female to be joined on Friday by a "real hunk". And no-one, repeat no-one, making up nasty rhymes with nasty words that rhyme with "tacky" or "ligger". Well, not until week nine anyway.