Caravan of evilness

Please Hertfordshire Police get in there. Did you hear Brian ramp up his pervery to the max indulging in some fevered sex imaginings with Charley? "Then I put my hand on your breast..." She kind of encouraged him, then poured nice acidy water on his ardour. I felt sympathy for Charley: his total dimness re Shakespeare left me beyond depressed. Dumb Britain: there is no hope. Apparently Charley has entered the BB house, meaning the pair have failed the task - was it a task? On being told this, Charlie span out completely (I know, unlike her). Liam and Nikki: he's a bad boy innee? Good. If her faith in men was shot to pieces before she entered the house expect her to set up a Separatist Female Housemates wing - caravan HQ being a safe space, the twins patrolling outside bouncing with pink-boa trimmed rifles - by Tuesday.

Comments

[hansgruber]

“So, this Shakespeare geezer…”

Leave it aaat, you muppet. What a hideous indictment of our school system. I wonder if hurts to be that stupid.

[JB]

I think he was playing along there. He asked too many probing questions. I know he's not the sharpest pencil in the box but I don't think he's that dense.

[Scared Eyes]

Guys, guys, realise. It's simply not possible that Brian has never heard of that Shakespeare geezer. He may be fantastically stupid, but he is a walking, talking grown-up, and has spent his entire life in England. More likely, now that the Jade franchise has imploded, Brian has spotted a gap in the market for comically moronic ex-housemates.

[hansgruber]

Certainly, the impression that Brian gives is of almost dreamlike stupidity, and the question is simply whether he is acting, or if he genuinely is. I have to say, I have no greater respect for someone who is merely pretending.
However, on reflection, I do agree that it would be impossible not to have heard of William Shakespeare, having lived in this country one’s entire life. That said, though, I have come across adults who haven’t heard, or are unfamiliar with the concepts, of: Anarchy, Creationism, Tom Clancy, Schindler’s List, Evolution, and, bizarrely, mange touts. (That was all in one night, in one conversation, down the boozer. Yes, it was an exceedingly queer discussion.) Meanwhile, a recent (unscientific) survey in America revealed a shockingly large percentage of people who didn’t know the date of the 9/11 attacks, despite the answer being in the question.
What I’m really trying to say, I suppose, is that merely because someone appears to be stupid, it does not necessarily follow that they are not.

Well, that’s all terribly serious. And not a mention of pant-soiling. I shall redouble my efforts.

[Xavi]

I agree. Totally faking the dimness. So obvious it made me squirm.

[anna]

he was obviously faking that

there's nothing worse than someone not even bieng pig ignorant, but PRETENDING to be!

it is not possible he could have not heard of Shakespeare, at all.

[Gabrielle de Pauw]

Oooh, that caravan scene - cringe-making telly at its worst; I dropped a whole row of stitches from Tim's muffler as Brian droned his fantasy to Charley. However, even though he hasn't heard of Shakespeare, I do see a literary future of sorts for Brian. Is there not a dirty version of the classis Mills & Boon genre? Not exactly bodice-ripping (too tame) but involving exotic things done with fake Gucci boots, narrow belts worn in unusual ways, exotic encounters up back alleys? I bet Charley would leap at the chance to be his Muse.

[Scarlett O'Hara]

I just think he is vile in the extreme, I nearly spat my large glass of red wine all over my new cream chemise when he proudly displayed his hard-on through his shorts. VILE! Shakespeare would no doubt have approved though, given his love of bawdiness.

[Tim Teeman]

I would truly love to think that Brian HAD to be joking, but his ignorance seemed real enough to me. Or maybe my expectations are now lowered beyond all measure by the lot of them. You know, I am going to have your faith and hope there's a far-ranging discussion about intertextual semiotics in the highlights show tonight.

[Luke Cole]

As a few of the more observant lot on here have noticed, Brian was quite patently faking the old haven't heard of Shakespeare routine - and that was made it so embarassing.

He was so very quick to jump at the chance of 'Who's Romeo?' and add "hilariously" isn't that the geezer from So Solid Crew?

What's a play? he may have even added.

Slow clap for staged ignorance. At least Charley's absurd Diary Room attempts to imitate Nikki's tantrums (down to actually saying 'Who is she?' a week or so ago) are entertaining - Brian's was just sad.

[Scarlett O'Hara]

Look I'm sorry but anyone who manages to WET THE BED after 1 can of cider is thick.

[Scared Eyes]

I enjoy watching the seals when they mimic the personality of their more popular rivals. It's so cute, don't you think? Charley imitating Nikki in the diary room is quite amusing. But my favourite is when the witless Davina adopts a little bit of Dermot, a smattering of Russell and tries so hard not to shout. Ya gotta love her, eh?

[hansgruber]

Brian and I now have something in common, unfortunately. And, although my little episode didn’t occur in front of 5 million people, it was nonetheless in public, a fact which has caused me untold misery over the last few months. (A word to the wise, gentlemen - If you have just bought a ridiculously complicated new belt with a mind of its f*cking own, don’t go and get spannered down the boozer while wearing it. For it will end in tragedy.)

[HansGruberFanClub]

HansG - that belt wasn't from Next was it? A complicated effort that required both breathing in and a degree in Mechanical Engineering to remove? Oh yes, that is the Devil's own belt to be sure.

But that still doesn't excuse one for p*ssing oneself in a caravan while wearing boxers. Do you think it's actually premeditated in an attempt to reinfoce the hopeless eejit persona? There must be better ways...

Or perhaps it was just an opportunity to annoy Charley after she went off on one about his nocturnal fumblings.

[Daphne]

Hans, do you bloke types not just pull down your zip? Or were you wearing ladies briefs? I was going to ask if it was a number 2 but thought that a bit personal.

[hansgruber]

Ladies, I thank you for your interest and sympathy. The belt was from BHS and was indeed the work of the devil himself. I must though, in all fairness, blame myself for the ensuing cascade of piss that drenched my lower half, as I should - like any normal person - have ascertained that I was able to swiftly unfasten the item in question before drinking 7 pints of over-strength German lager and then sprinting to the khazi.
Needless to say, the few friends that I have managed to retain over the years were less than impressed with this performance, even given the appallingly low standards to which I have hitherto been known to stoop.

All that said: I was playing against the clock and the Fates, whereas Brian had drunk a single can of cider, and wasn‘t trying to deal with a belt designed by Lucifer himself. So I have no sympathy with him.

[Niall]

I admire the fact that both HG & HGFC have the same belt

[HansGruberFanClub]

Having the same belt: bit bunny boilerish?

And Daphne: I'm presuming it was a buttons job. Also the work of a devil, although possibly one of the minor ones.

[Scarlett O'Hara]

Hello HG
The simple fact that you can tell the story so delightfully shows the difference in intellectual standard and reinforces the fact that Brian is completely thick. Nowhere in your story do you recount going into a neon bedecked room, the next day, sober, and saying "huh huh......uh, I pissed meself, huh huh" in the pleased manner of someone who has learned their vocabulary from watching Beavis and Butthead. (You might have done that pissed but you can keep that to yourself!)

[Daphne]

My mum was telling me about someone in the Womans' Own who had a buttons phobia, could explain alot. Going back to work tomorrow, this is a stupid amount of posts to be doing. I have children to look after, they've been in the cupboard enough for today.

[jackee]

Caravan of evilness nice writing i just like that a big bombo glass of wine and roasted chicken with it

[penisa]

Most of the time blogs don't carry alot of information and just made for time pass. But I think your blog is the one where I have learned many things with your practicles and experiences. Thanks

[abuy]

it was very nice to go through this blog. usually we cant find that much informative blogs like this. thanks.

[HGH]

Very nice post. I liked your writing style and the way you covered the topic.