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Spiders make me angry...Did you notice the way the Twins blink in unison? And did you notice how their eyes close from the sides? No one can be that good. Can they?
My fave BB8 moment was tonight’s after-dinner speech. The
house was full of ghosts--Banquo couldn't get a look in. Afterwards the
men split off from the women and shared their 'emotional' moment outside, safe
from lady-eyes. Liam: "I have emotions, feelings like, but not the words
to describe them." And then they all sobbed, as if after a funeral,
as the full moon looked down. Carole lifted it all by making a JOKE about
washing the dishes. The pathos, bathos, whateveros. I'll have
forgotten all this tomorrow but tonight it even made me forget how much I hate
Carole and Tracey. I can even forgive Brian for wearing a t-shirt we could see through his shirt.
The house is quiet.
They’re gone--all gone. But not
forgotten—not yet. It's all a bit sad. Tim and I are still
here for you. Will you be there for
us? Daphne, Mr Daphne, HGFC TRHGFC, Han,
Liv, Light Up VM, Jessica, Gabrielle, Doris, Monkey, Stoat,
Sandra, JOOLZ, LIANNE and all the other lovelies, will you?
It's a wonderful life after all...
I've eaten the B&J and the drugs are working....live from the chaise:
ON LIAM: Watching jealousy in action--AGAIN--as Liam was given £100,000. 'There's no point showing off, like'. AWWW. Bless. But, seeing again how he treated the revolting Amy, I am glad him and his wings of steel haven't won.
And the winner is BRIAN! See him cry...those tears. The sin of CBB racism atoned. The humility: 'I don't deserve to win'. What would Shakespeare make of it? How many magic beans doth £100,000 buy?
The Twins are out! The skies will darken--OMG! I cringe, I cringe. We need a human sacrifice quick.
Is that Tim I see stationed on the roof with a sniper gun?
Damo's Final Thought to follow...
And I'm floating towards Brian again for winner. I've figured it out. He loves the show. So do I. He's studied it. He just really loves being there. He should win. And he's wearing a T shirt under his shirt which is so hot I am fair slipping off my chair (at the office, writing a review of the final for late editions of the paper). He's just happy to be there. He should win, no?
So far then... did you see the look of fear Chanelle had for Charley earlier and then how classier she stole her boos, made them into cheers and then smiled sweetly. Loved that. Distressing hair and lipstick. Looks v street-cornery. Ziggy still being pursued by imaginary assailants and Carole - has that crowd forgotten? All her horribleness passed off. Are we forgiving and forgetting? So glad el tree surgeono is next to leave. The fact he wears Newcastle FC stripy pants makes me a bit sick (not turned on). How is everyone? Do we really want Chiggy to get jiggy? I am liking Davina's dress! Mucho! Does Brian want to shag both twins?
The portable colour TV has been wheeled in front of my fainting chaise and I am blogging my way back to life thus:
PART I of II
1) LOVED Chavelle's freakishly Posheque face pouting as Charley preened and then as she was 'ignored' by Davina (why is Davina wearing a red bacofoil bodice?)
2) ANNOYED that we knew Jonty would be out first as the C4 continuity announcer warned us of brief nudity (Jonty's black bits anyone?) and we spied Monketty Tonketty on his seat...
3) JONTY'S 'I am off my meds' hysteria as Davina quizzed him about wind in the pillows.
4) NO, CAROLE we won't be surprised to learn you are not keen on cleaning at home cos we've seen your squalid rat-squat and your hair needs more than a good (s)trim and your SNAIL IS DEAD (and Gerry killed it)!
5) THE SHOCK on one of Ziggy's faces as it finally sunk in that, unlike his mum, we don't love him (and he should have 'done right' by Chavelle. Totally gutted and shrugging in apology. Roots from hell. Sealing his OK! fate with Chavelle by promising some 'sexy time'--*adopts K&K voice* 'Hel-loooo, re-vol-ting!'
I am eating Ben & Jerry's laced with Migraleve and waiting for the next instalment. Brian or Twins or a shock Liam win? Has anyone spotted flakes on the shoulder of Shabs yet?
And the perfect time to look into space and ask, in all seriousness, "We live on earth right?" And yes, this young woman is at, or is planning to go, university. I fear the future, people, I really do. I feel a great big guff beneath a duvet is the perfect way to sign off from this year's show, so well done Jonty. And, how appropriate that Ziggy was under a duvet all on his own, dreaming being a spy, a deeply persecuted spy, who nobody understood but who twitched and wrinkled his forehead, even at the most basic "Good morning". Brian is going heavily for the Dumb Britain vote: it may work, but I'd like to think - by default and sheer exhaustion - that we will vote The Twins to win. I know! Scream at the nearest mirror. Scream at anything. But if it's all an act or they possess something supernatural then so be it. They've stayed true to sickly pink. They're weird. They're unique. They are - as Kath and Kim would say - original. And they have triple-cringed me into submission. But oh Gerry, how I wish it were you. And, oh yes siree, I am looking forward to seeing all of them again - particularly Lesley, hopefully wrinkling her nose at the dreadful din.
I am back! My injuries are only psychological and emotional--unlike poor Mr Daphne. I trust 24 hour intravenous live feed and Daphne's tender ministrations are aiding his recovery.
May I never seen another Mouse.
Now, it's the final countdown. or it is more like this?
In any case, Carole can't win--the universe won't allow it. Even if she did, she'd be assassinated with days of leaving the house by one of us lot so... Chavelle's triumphant return--sing Hosanna!--showed Ziggy up once and for all. Liam has £ so we won't give him more. Jonty is a joke but he's just not funny enough.
So it's Brian or Samanda... Is that the choice? is that really it? I feel like I have walked into a Romanian supermarket circa 1982 and asked for Pesto.
I am going to go and finish de-Disneying and consider my tragically limited options.
PS REALLY excited about seeing all the housemates together again. Shabs and her Scabs, Charley and Emily reunited, Tracey's straw hair burnt live on stage a la Gummidge struck by lightning. Laura in her filthy dressing gown...and Gerry in his pants. What will Lesley make of it all?
I love this week in a way, it's self-indulgent. I like self-indulgent. I like the scrapbook. I like the quizzes. I like the end of term feeling. It works for the housemates and it works for us - the crazies and dedicated - who have stayed devoted to the show as more and more of its naysayers have gathered to give it the usual kicking. And boo, bad Channel 4 x 100 for cancelling Celebrity BB. Not fair. Bad. Sad Tim. But unlike Ziggy (oh come on you pillock, stop acting like you're in The Bourne Ultimatum), Sad Tim becomes happy again as he watches, or imagines (things are going a bit slowly in there this week) a growing, simmering tension between Liam and Brian. I imagine, possibly wrongly, this is because Liam isn't very nice. And, although he has already won £100,000 - knows Brian is nice and that his charm, so far unsullied, may well prove more popular than Liam's rougher appeal. I've gone right off Liam of course. I was never on him. But you know what I mean. But THE TWINS. I voted for them last night. Just once and it won't be my last vote. But I voted for them because, as they danced to Aqua Girl, I realised that for all the pestilence and plagues of frogs I genuinely imagine them capable of bringing to our world, they have made me laugh. And they transfix me. And they look at Ziggy in that ridiculous tracksuit top with the same expression I have at home: "What is with him? Get over it."
Well it wasn't exactly Rhett and Scarlett, but phwaor, what a stunna she looked. And Carole copped a good feel too didn't she? Blonde to within an inch of her life and with a Mr Whippy hairdo. Ziggy really does look like Christian Bale in American Psycho when he's flustered or angry. (Darling, pick up that chainsaw and go for Carole!) But is it really gonna be a love match on the outside? I see a few premiership footballers standing in the way of true lurve there. As for Amy's demolition job on Carole, nice work dudette, but way too late and we didn't like you anyway. By the way, that white shroud Carole wears - is it Dior or Primark? Are shrouds now in? Is it a sheet? Is Carole the Ghost of Big Brother to Come (loads of old moaning minnies wiping up crumbs and DRIVING GOOD, INNOCENT VIEWERS MAD). Liam and Brian's row... the frustrating thing about this year's show for me has been the number of times a row blows up that I can't trace the root of, or really see what the row is about, because instead of actually rowing, the housemates start blathering on about the act of rowing itself. It's all very postmodern and odd. Uh-oh, a twin cried again. Again, the sky darkened and rumbling thunder sounded. Duck!
Daphne, hope your husband's OK...
It had to happen---they've sent me to DisneyLand (Paris--not even the REAL one!).
No, I don't have a terminal illness. I am not one of those 'brave children' you see on the local news. I am a journalist doing a story. I must go where I am bid.
The pain I feel at this wrench...it's worse than Barry-Louise's depillation and keener than Brian's brain.
But I'll be back in time for Friday. I'll be there for you. Not like some people I could mention...
My first time seeing them in action/creepy mum and dad similarity thing going on. He like dad, she like mum. Weeeeirrrd.
Damian, y'happy - without a Trace? Jacynth, happy holidays! We should all start talking dream winners and the likely order of leaving the house. Carole first maybe? I am now VERY anti-Liam.
GONE! Thank you all for saving me from RSI and putting Tracey Gummidge back in her field. All is now good in the hood. She chewed gum with her mouth open, had one leg up on her chair and seemed unable to hold eye contact. Thrillingly, I put my first ever bet on today and WON! Actually profiting from Tracey's misery is a joy. I might buy Davina some plaster for her knees....
BB treated Barry-Louise meanly till the end--Davina cutting her short (although she received fewer votes than Tracey). Poor thing, Though her belt was inadvisable. You don't need Gok to tell you it looked like packing tape and was so flesh-coloured she appeared to be cut in half.
So, it's the final countdown. Who will win? And will we care? You bet...
...because that's what I am getting. I've voted for Tracey five times today. I am now trying to ration myself to one vote per hour. I hate Carole more which makes evicting Tracey like kicking the cat. But who cares. Please do your bit by voting--if only for the sake of my wrists.
I've made my anti-Trace case as have you all and we all agree. I don't know if I can bear to say it again--scroll my hatred. But in brief:
She smells of cumin, we never see her washing, we hate her bashed-tin De Niro tranny face. She would scrounge around in ashtrays and make her spindly thin rollies even if there were whole cartons of fragrant tobacco hand rolled on the thighs of virgins. The posh task only further underlined her inability to talk. Worst of all, I can't bear that she thinks we like her simply because she hasn't been voted out yet.
Here she is in her natural habitat.
Oops! It's this clip and her face leers into view at 49 seconds.
Now tell me she deserves to be in that house, or on this planet, for another second? You wouldn't hesitate to remove a wart just because you'd had it a long time. Same goes for this long-term housemate. Get rid!
This news just breaking on the Press Association...
1 SHOWBIZ Brother Axe CHANNEL 4 AXES 2008 CELEBRITY BB Channel 4 is axing next year’s series of Celebrity Big Brother, it announced today. The move, which comes after the race row that engulfed the previous series, is part of a programme of “creative renewal”, according to the broadcaster. The highly successful series, which attracts huge ratings, is expected to return in 2009. The decision also comes after this year’s series of the standard non-celebrity Big Brother has failed to make as big a splash as usual, even though it has still attracted healthy ratings. The broadcaster said the decision is unrelated and is part of a policy to clear almost all returning series from the heart of its peak time schedule in the first half of 2008 in pursuit of new and adventurous programming.
Radical certainly but sad for me. Obviously all BB's critics will be crowing, but how absurd to axe a popular show, even if it is - as they claim - for just a year, which commands high ratings and affection. But do you agree? Or has Celebrity BB had its day?
Oh Brian. Just. Stop It. But the person I am most scared for now is Carole. She has raised the ire - and worse, tears - of a twin by gossipping about her, impugning her commitment to her boyfriend on the outside (what do they do of an evening? Speak and Spell?). Those in the South East will have noted that Sam's crying coincided with a horrible period of stormy weather. Carole, we can't stand you, but your card is really marked now. Cross a twin at your peril. I foresee a terrible accident around a potato peeler. I suddenly out of nowhere don't want Tracey to leave either. But I know I did earlier in the week. Arg. This show... Who to go tonight? Jonty and Kara-Louise or K-L and buzzin' Trace?
Yay. Hans is back. Anyway, look, although almost provoked to throwing remotes around the room, and cursing thin air, every time Carole steps near that kitchen, I am going to move on briefly from Death Crone-bashing. To Kara-Louise, who, you might recall I renamed Barry ages ago - I don't know why but it still makes sense. Anyway, I love Kara-Louise today. I love her for calling Ziggy Goldilocks and making him irritated, I love her for winding up for the increasingly annoying Liam (he's made me very anti tree-surgeon), and I especially love her for holding her own while the self-appointed BB power-holders try and take the piss out of her. I especially, especially love her because she was actually being kind, not patronising, when Krusty was having a breakdown over having to say words other than "phat" and "avin' it". Barry calmly tried to help her only to have this help thrown back in her face when Krusty nominated her, saying she felt patronised by this act of kindness. (Vote the absurd Tracey out, please. Like Goldilocks, haven't we had enough?) And there was Barry's brave defence of speaking properly and intelligence when the dimmos formed a consensus on the sofa that people who were lacking in knowledge and social graces had every right to something-or-other as people who did speak properly and show manners. Barry said, rightly, prejudice cuts both ways. I like Barry. I do hope she keeps shedding her underarm hair over them all.
Ziggy and Tracey SAVE her at the expense of our Gerry. How does she repay them? She nominates them!
So we can add TRAITOR to her Hague-worthy list of crimes which thus far comprises:
1) casually cruel (remember how she stole the loo roll from Gerry as the tears rolled down his face?)
2) driest fright-wig imaginable (please, oh please, get her first in line for a Ten Years Younger HAG special)
3) filthiest home imaginable (a la Tooms from X-Files)
4) cleaning, sewing, cooking control-freakery
5) hypocrisy (see above)
6) excessive weeping (there were less weepy open wounds on the fields of the Somme)
I can't go on--it's too depressing. Perhaps you can add to it?
Tim and I have both made very strong cases for de-Caroleing but obviously the housemates are keeping her in DESPITE acknowledging BB is not a charity show and there are more worthwhile charities than Save the Carole.
I am now, for the five thousandth time, turning my attentions to getting rid of Tracey and her bashed tin of a face. She must be made to understand she never has been, is not and never will be loved. At least not by me.
This is unusual for me to admit but I actually found last night's highlights show terribly, terribly dull. What is this new task about? Absurd. And why did Carole get so upset: she was really quite posh, wasn't she? I laughed once and quite a lot. But now I cannot remember why. Oh it was Scary Twin plus loud hailer. That was funneee. But when Carole was let back into the kitchen I did shout at the set: "No, please, not again". And when she started complaining about the usual stuff - pasta, tea cup stains - again my sheer hatred for her surfaced and I was ranting again. If only they would stop interrupting each other, they might come to the same conclusion: "Carole is annoying isn't she. She is making us unhappy." But instead, Ziggy squalls, then retreats, Liam semi-bitches, then retreats, and Brian... well Brian tries to form a word, then gives up entirely. Am I supposed to find Brian's polished dim-wittedness funny? I did. Now I don't. His attempt at a posh accent was ridiculous. His gurning and funny looks disturb me slightly. Nothing in the posh task - apart from mastering a foxtrot - is hard. And my heart sank at the stratospheric dumbness of the housemates. It sank really, really low.
He's gone but not forgotten--they're still fighting over the crumbs he left behind, we're still missing his pant shots and he STILL hasn't had sex. Do it now man, before you lose your Elgins altogether! Daphne...
From Gerry's BBLB diary:
"I haven't had sex yet but I did snog my ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen
for a long time and he said to me sweet things, like he had been
watching me all summer...I'm still quite sexually frustrated but I think part
of that is lack of freedom in the Big Brother House...think it's quite dangerous for me to go to a gay club because I'll get mobbed."
Scary of his ex to TV-stalk him all summer. As for being mobbed, Tim and I know all about it *sighs*.
Carole, have you learnt nothing? No, of course not. You wanna row about bread. We'll row about bread. This time with Cliff Richard, which is infinitely more fun than Gerry, because Cliff immediately tries to justify his EXISTENCE on the basis of a few missing slices of bread. And how purrfect this was Gerry's bread: he continues to drive Carole mad even in absentia. Yum. And double yum seeing him on BBLB. Also: liked Liam's gentle needling of the twins. But a brave man messes with those girls. Have you noticed that whenever there is the merest hint of a scowl from either one of them, the weather goes really weird. They are TERRIFYING. It wouldn't surprise me if Liam wakes up with gangrene. If they win, I imagine them leaving the house, the fireworks being muted, the sky flooding a ghastly pink colour and a disembodied voice from the sky booming, "Triple cringe", then all the Borehamwood diehards and McCall being splattered by buckets of pigs' blood. Brian's proof of his knowledge of celebrity amounted to stuff about "Bianca Gascoigne and Paul Danan". Gerry, you got out just in time.
And much worse besides was being shouted at the Teeman TV set this morning as I watched the repeat and the Gurus make their decision. I am not very happy. Note that Carole was utterly ungracious as Gerry fell on his mighty, throbbing Greek sword. No apologies for her sniping and horribleness. Atrocious. Unbelievable. And Gerry just wouldn't shut up with his "Vote me out" madness. As well as "shut up", I was also shouting, "What has she gone through?" "Why should she have the money?" Like McCall said, we want the winner to have entertained us, not just be a charity case. I am a bit of a BB purist. I occasionally scour the tabloids but I quite like the housemates and how I vote and feel about them to be restricted to what I see on screen. Really. Funny, I guess. So, heartless as it may sound to those of you who know Carole's "circumstances", I couldn't give a rat's arse what she's been through - in terms of winning this competition. She's a bad housemate, bad to watch, bad entertainment and BAD TO OUR GERRY. And for this she must not be allowed to win. Gerry - lovely in final interview. But no mention of pants. I was hoping for a special film bit of Gerry and his pants. Daphne, truce over; it's a race to see who gets the first museum visit.
Help... now a final fortnight with a houseful of halfwits. This will take fortitude, but Gabrielle, come back. We've come this far. I'm coming to get you...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
How did The Death Crone escape? And how could Gerry turn Judas on himself?
This is becoming repetitious. Sorry. But I must wallow in it. Oh my goodness. I can't stand her. Last night's highlights almost had me put a boot through the screen. Just when I thought the other housemates were getting tired of her bullying, sniping and just absurd behaviour (get out of the f-ing kitchen you horrible cow), they all relent when she turns on the tears, instead of - more understandably - telling her how pissed off they were that her rule-breaking has cost them the food. It is driving me mad. Far madder than the Uchea. Carole is the algae this year's BB cannot throw off. I'm not entirely sure - given how last night's show was edited - that Britain will be voting her out either. But housemates, come on, don't be fooled any more. It was fun being 'looked after' for a while - but this tyranny? That final row with Gerry was just astonishing: he is the only one brave enough to stand up to her tears routine. A "hard life" we are told she has had, she's trying to exert some control - ok, understood and all that - so let her get back to her own kitchen. I did think at one point that Ingmar Bergman hadn't died and had somehow gotten a gig directing BB. It has become very DARK.
Close one eye and peek through the other at sheer evil....
When Mummy gets angry about cleaning...again
There's somebody at the (house) door
All of which is my way of saying EVICT CAROLE! And get her to the front of the queue for Ten Years Younger (so I don't need to look at her scouring pad hair any longer).
I want daily, if not hourly, lie detector tests. As Brian said: "It's like Trisha!"
Highlights: Confirmation that Brian is beautifully uneducated and really didn't know who Shakespeare was. Carole's love of moaning revealed as she was caught lying. Gerry admitting he has a game plan and would betray a housemate for the prize money. I'd betray Tracey for £100,000--I'd plunge her hand in a chip pan for a fiver. Tracey pointing the finger of truth at Ziggy for 'faking it' with Chavelle. Liam and Brian agreeing a pax romantica over Amanda. Tracey berating Gerry as 'sketchy' after he made her a guru.
The cruelest thing I have EVER seen on BB was Carole heartlessly taking the toilet roll from Gerry as he lay bleeding, oh ok crying, all over the bathroom floor. What a bitch! Like there was enough there anyway to deal with her considerable personal hygiene requirements.
This week the gurus must decide who goes. Short of ordering a nuclear strike there's no way I can get Tracey out the house but Carole's endless moaning, crying and now casual cruelty means she has to go. I hate her--and that's the TRUTH!
Gerry needs us! I smell a big rat in the editing suite, don't you? In a matter of days Gerry is transformed into a paranoid, raving lunatic... Hmmm. Talking about beng evicted and how pained and screwed-up he's feeling... Hmm... And if he is going mad, it can only be because - exercising the patience of the saint - he hasn't yet fully succumbed to telling that vile cow Carole to stop picking on him all the time. Her endless mithering and sniping is far worse than anything the Uchea served up. ("Morning Carole." "Oh Gerry, don't give me that Good morning crap" etc etc.) What a vile, vile bully she is. I would hope (against hope, it isn't going to happen) that she is voted out this week. But before anyone leaves, go on Gerry. Have a go. Blast her. Bitch her out of the ballpark. Explode. She so has it coming. And as you do so, the nation will cheer you.
Do not vote Gerry out this week. He's not even being that annoying. The others have just found a target and Gerry's submerging himself... Gerry, come back. We like your Greek classical alphabet ways, and your pants and boy, do we ever feel your pain being locked up with the dimbo Nuts duo Liam and Ziggy (now officially grating). Gerry... Stay.
Ten weeks without a blow-job, he noted miserably. For a gay man used to the bright lights and pretty folk o' Lahndahn that's a lifetime and my heart goes out to our favourite Greek hunk. I feel like sending the Gay Liberation Squad in there - high-kicking, with pom-poms and lube - and giving Gerry what the poor, horny boy so desperately needs. Instead of sex, all he'll get today is another "Get the scum off that bath Gerry" round of mithering from Death Crone. Keep your head Gerry, and, er, you'll get some in return. By the way, they are getting hornier and hornier aren't they - that bed pile-up last night and just the general, mounting hysteria around mounting. Loving: Krusty drunk, Kara-Louise's wishy-washiness, and the other twin's murderous looks as poor Brian flirts with other twin. Scary x 100. Prediction: Liam and Ziggy to become hideous even lower rent Calum Best style nightclub-haunting twosome upon leaving House.
Dermot as a timetraveller on tonight's BBLB...Davina said 'I can see things....You look like a sperm.'
lecherous, yet loving, close-up:
...Chavelle will re-enter the house when Amy is thrown to the lions. The producers just shoved Alex and Adele back in and out so why not someone from this very series? It's not original but it'll get me watching. I am that cheap.
Does this mean they might use a Ouija board to summon Charley back?
In other thoughts...In the wee hour of the morning, between spankings, Gerry, channelling his old mate the Oracle at Delphi, was heard to claim: "Everybody who sleeps next to the twins gets evicted." That's next to, not with. In ancient times identical twins were seen for
what they are: omens of terrible evil! (please, no Omen jokes).
And, worse still, according to today's Sun they are 'neighbours from hell'. Now, more than ever, the Children of the Corn (dollies) must be rent asunder!
They won't go tonight. But when they do go the
person to choose the Doomed Twin must be Brian. It's cruel, yes, BUT YOU LOVE IT! An end to Brandy? It'll make Sophie's Choice look easy.
Right, I am off to the cultural jamboree that is Edinburgh--v excited about seeing Alan Cumming in the Bacchae. Not that 'high' culture is any better than BB, oh no. Something tells me Gerry and he would get on very well indeed...
Speaking of breakups I've always enjoyed this. See also 'muffins'.
what, you mean you haven't seen the daily star this morning? what is she wearing in that picture?http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news_detail.html?sku=2143 - thoughts?
Clearly I have no limits. But here, for what it's worth and whoever's still there (come back Daphne, I want to challenge you for the hand of Gerry - and the pants crown), is my unfashionable opinion. I love Big Brother, this year as much as any other. I am not bored in the slightest. I think the housemates are engaging, frustrating, idiotic, entertaining, scratchy, as good as any other year's. I know lots of people disagree. I am obviously some hideous reality TV throwback. The problem, if there is one, is that it's gone on too long. Clearly the housemates are knackered and we are too. That's my only beef with it. Shorten the time length of it. As for all the games and tricks, it's all gravy as dear old Krusty would say. Last night's episode was a fine old mix of doolally relationshippy stuff (Brian and Amanda), characters in meltdown (Gerry, Ziggy), boo-hiss-shut-up-Carole-sort-out-your-hair and just gratuitous mind-gaming with the new housemates made to watch the nominations. Amy's head was about to start spinning around, I'm sure. So nothing to be bored about. Each episode leads you down some odd alleys. Last night, I found myself thinking Liam's become an arrogant tosser, the mask has slipped. I'm probably wrong about that, he may be different again tonight but that's the joy of day-in, day-out BB. For all its manipulation, trickery and fabricated atmosphere, it does entertain and tell us something about how people interact and relate to one another. It's also entertaining. And why criticise the housemates for seeking fame or whatever? Of course, after eight years of seeing what happens to each set of BB housemates, some are going to want that. But so what? To get there, they have to do their time in that house. And I think they, and the show, are unfairly maligned. I love it, simple as that; every shallow, glorious second. And I voted for Amy five times last night.
Oh my goodness....Big Bruvvva....you're so lovely... so preettteeee... I have to say all the time I was running very fast on the running machine in the gym this morning (true, true and true again) I had a big, dopey smile on my face to match Brian's as his attempts to snare one of the Children of the Corn got him a kiss. I did like, however, the cutaway shot to the other twin as he was on max-flirt: she no happy.
Loved the return to 2002. And also loved Gerry's inspired, unintentional tongue-twister: "Who the hell's Adele?" Alex Sibley: still far more annoying than poor, much-derided Kara-Louise and her Alice in Wonderland pregnancy dresses. Having seen the remedially dressed denizens of twat-filled Shoreditch in exactly the same clobber at the weekend, she is simply following la mode. A few other things: Carole, take your Lemon Cif and shove it. Although, oh death crone, we do agree with you about Amy, VOTE HER OUT. Right little madam, that one. Don't be tempted by Chanelle on cover of Heat by the way: she says nowt.
So Barry-Louise was lounging by the pool and said (more or less):
"Being minor celebrities *GRIN* is owed to us*GRIN* because being on
Big Brother *GRIN* is hard work...*GRIN*. It's 3 months of
accomplishment *GRIN*. We are on 24 hours a day *GRIN*. It's hard
GRIM*."
She then got into the BB Time Machine that took her far, far into the future...HG Wells it was not.
I want them all to go into a Time Machine which whisks them back to
Series 1. Or even Series 6. An interesting time where the housemates
were less cynical than the viewers.
This may be my hangover talking.
As apparently Liam and Amy have become known... here's a contentious thought: Liam's an arsehole. Twice now, with two women in the house who he's started something off with, he has curtailed things when it becomes obvious that the rest of the house/tide of opinion is against those two women. I think when he wants 'cuddles' next time he might try an inanimate object that isn't seeking to court any popularity. I'm totally with Gerry by the way over Ball-gate. Totally thoughtless of Ziggy to kick it over the wall. The twins were about to learn all about Europe and stuff. Oh, yes the twins... did you see their latest trip to the diary room? They are TERRIFYING. The only way to pep up these last few weeks up is to break up these mechanised, dead-eyed dollies and see what happens.
First we thought she was a bloke and I am still not convinced her DeNiro-esque face is not the result of some weird XYX chromosomal tango. She has demonstrated a vocabulary range only marginally wider than one of those dolls with a pullable string in the back. And she's so Technicolour hideous she makes me yearn for the days of black and white television.
Vote Tracey out. You'd bully her if she was in your class. You wouldn't buy a Big Issue from her. She probably smells of hummus and falafel. Yes, she's an original house mate. But she's yet to say or do one original thing. I can't muster up any real feelings for the others. Tracey actually believes that she is still in the house because we, the public, LOVE HER. No, it's because we HATE CHARLEY. Doubtless she believes the eclipses she raves at are all about her too. Sever the umbilical cord to her growing ego. Abort!
PS now I am off to finish prep for my PrePride Pool Party tonight. I am very excited about my Lay-Z-Spa TM . Here's hoping it doesn't go all Essex. Know what I mean, awight!
Weird isn't it how some people just attract it - I put it down to the hair tossing and superior nature. I just don't like her. But hey, Nuts readers are gonna be loving the bikini shots. What do you think? After days of shining over Carole (well, it's still there, as she puts her endless chickens in the oven and mithers on about window cleaning), my dislike torchbeam is also newly landed on pagan David. Uggy uggy Gothy slurry. Gerry: NO, don't fall for him. Daphne, we need to team up (briefly) to nip this one in the bud. David is horrid. But will he go? The week after the mega-Charley vote, do we really care enough about any of them to text? Well, I do of course - sadly, sadly, sadly. The pagan is a pain. Vote him out.
Just don't, Liam - not with Amy. I think he won't. I think he was kind of being wilfully rude to her in quite a cruel, unLiam-like way; flirting only to drop like a stone later. Could Liam may not be so nice as we thought? Could we soon see mean Liam? Liam bad. Liam eyes like coals. Liam be cruel. OK, I'm back with you.
As you may have heard, in the latest fiendish (read, running very low on ideas) twist, there's been another housemate swaparound. Look, I can't exactly remember who's gone where, but Tracey has ended up the only original housemate now in the threadbare, and immediately boring to watch, smaller house. Kara-Louise/Barry is crying (great hulking sobs). Chanelle in the Sun today too: read it. She's blonde again!
I just want to cast our minds forward to the moment that must surely happen when ther twins might separate. The result? Chaos. Bad things. Pestilence? Plague? More floods?
Please make them stop. Even when they're happy they're blubbing. I can stand it no more. I actually stopped watching last night before I knew what Kara-Louise (or Barry, as she is known chez Teeman) was about to blub and then blub some more. I do find it odd that whenever a housemate goes doolally and leaves in that final Diary room chat they bid farewell with - magically - marbles and self-awareness suddenly intact, so Chanelle was rather lovely and wonderful in her exit. The halfway house thing: I am, as they, say, over it. I don't care who's in it, who's out of it, who's voting for who (utterly confusing) to be in or out of there. But if Ziggy goes this Friday, well I won't blub.
David and Gerry are the new Ziggy and Chanelle. But how best to combine their names? Gerrid? That sounds quite pagan.
So there they were on BBBM: Light and Dark, Good and Evil, Chavelle and Charley.
What an anticlimax! Charley kept trotting out the same line about 'the Charley show' being over now. Chavelle just giggled and twirled strands of her recently dyed hair (no more roots thanks to David Beckham's stylist--I kid you not). It was the evil equivalent of enforced merriment a la New Year's Eve. But that won't stop producers churning out good v evil formats with all the gusto of those machines that mechanically recover meat. Good cop, bad cop is about get a makeover. (I'd like to see a Celebrity DeathMatch version)
The two BBBM presenters were the best we've had so far though and I'd happily keep them for the rest of the run--no more Tinned Peaches please. PLUS they shared exclusive footage of Shagessa usurping Liam. Oh, didn't you know? Liam has joined Ziggy in the Halfwit house leaving Shagessa and Brian to make the beast with 0.5 brains. Avert your gaze. Speaking of gays...Is Gerry working his magic on the Kilted Witch?
Tim Teeman is Arts Editor of The Times and a TV critic
Caitlin Moran writes on television and popular culture for The Times
Damian Barr works from home. Enough said
Veronica Schmidt is Times Online's resident Big Brother obsessive
Simon Crerar is Arts editor of Times Online
Hugo Rifkind separates the wheat from the chaff
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