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See you CBB

What kind of a Queen talks about panty liners in her exit interview? Ulrika, you might have had some left if you hadn't given them to Michelle, for to mop up the tracks of her reservoir sobs... I do think it's hilarious that rumours like this are circulating online - "She had it written into her contract to win" etc. As I said earlier, Ulrika's victory in my mind is equivalent to The Conway Sisters winning X Factor, but conspiracy theories? Get over it...

Ok, I'd still rather that Tez had won (he's like a little smiley guy who is so keen to be your friend that he's forgotten what era he's in. Saying "I'll get their addresses"? That's like "would you care for some snuff?" or "I know this great aria for harpsichord and cittern, like, perhaps I can come round and jam some time?") I have a feeling he'll be just fine though: my money's on a new quiz show "Are You Smarter than a Terry Christian?" (The answer will be no of course. Unless you're Stephen Fry, who was like a flash of Gin Zing through the centre of Tonight with Rebranded Ross). Let's hope that there's not a schedule clash between Terry's new platform and Come Dine with Me, hhmm?

Anyway, nice to meet you - bantams, hamsters, stoats and all - and see you online anon.

The Winner Is...

Apart from all of us for 'most entertaining blog'..the winner is: ULRIKA! I really do feel good about this result.  Not quite as good as I felt when Obama won but, well....the goodies won.  Everyone here in front of the Barr TV is cheering.  I can hear distinct clucks from the Girls out in their coop (though Gerty did have a bit of a thing about Terry).

Shocking news just in: Ben received 15.2% of the total votes cast. Verne--the favourite to win--only got  15.8%.  An A1 comeback tour is imminent, clearly.  Coolio received 25.3%. Terry was runner up with 43.3%.  Ulrika-ka-ka romped home with 56.7%.

Terry's Interview: I quite like his jacket.  I am now too old to shop at Top Man but Terry somehow manages it. He keeps laughing like Beavis. Or is it Butthead?  Remember them?  He's not coming across terribly well in this is he?  He was a good ballerina and I did love his Tina impression.  Get their addresses?  Who writes letters?  Will Bully-O become a penfriend? Oh Tezza you're not going to bring the Word back on facebook are you?  Bet he is great in a pub quiz team.

Ulrika-ka-ka's interview: She looked genuinely surprised.  Genuine.  She's just out of reach--ordinary yet extraordinary, everyday but special.  The definitive MILF (not that I would but quite a few of you it seems, Stoat Magneto, HGFC, would like to).  The almost--but ultimately not--attainable is very attractive.  I suppose that's why we all watch this show in the first place.  That and this blog. Of course, that music made me think of my Girls.  The real stars of CBB.

The End of the End

I got what I wanted--Bully-O is officially a loser.  Terry has emerged as the unlikely star. I thought I'd hate him as a professional Manc and there have been moments when he looked like a lag from G Wing in Larkhall Prison.  Overall he was unexpectedly funny and charming.  Ulrika-ka-ka I've liked from the start and I admire her for standing up to Bully-O (though her tears annoyed me).  I think Terry stands to gain more from winning so I'd like to see him get it but I'll live if Ulrika-ka-ka wins.

Coolio - the interview.  That mask, so cheaply sinister.  Gerbera daisies--just cheap.  I wonder if he'll say more when he gets in the studio with Davina. She BETTER be tough with him.  Third rhymes with..anyway, I won't lower myself.  Acting the ass?  Clearly he's a method actor.  Davina he wasn't "irritating people" he was bullying women!  Shaka Zulu.  Yeh, whatever.  or possibly even, woteva.

Superlatives...

... but in the wrongest of ways.

Ben: the most tedious eviction interview ever. He was outshone by the buttons on Davina's coat.

Ulrika: I will happily remortgage to pay my phone bill to prevent this - but if she DOES win, this will be the most undeserved result in a reality show ever. Worse than when The Conway Sisters pipped Maria Lawson in X Factor 2005.

Production values: I know it's meant to be part of the show's charm, but does anyone else think that with all these years under their belts, Davina and crew should be more slick than stumble by now? The not quite speaking into the microphone, the forgetting to mention Terry in Verne's interview, and did I mention those tacky buttons on Big D's coat? I'm sure it's no worse than usual, but what with my eyes and ears try to eat themselves in disgust at Ulrika potentially winning, perhaps I'm just a little bit irritable...

Beginning of the End

Tommy you are not, repeat NOT, Sir Winston Churchill so quit with the V for Victory.  La Toya appears to have been dressed by Bros and Davina by Moss Bros (I now it's cold but it is the final).  Mutya looked cowed and Michelle got the biggest boos.  Tina apparently hasn't had time to get her roots done.  I can honestly say I'd completely forgotten 'Juicy Lucy'.  Her hair is supremely glossy though.

Part II--Verne just sat there. He might as well have been a real teddy for all the response he gave (though not a talkative naughty bear like Aloysius).  Poor Ulrika resorts to humming because he just can't converse.  Their final toasts were fairly bland...As for respecting Verne's size...I can see Ulrika counting the seconds. I am glad she admitted she didn't want to go in initially (obviously £175,000 helped--I shall be seeking similar rewards to get me through my next supermarket trip). She was polite to the last (if a tad fake, but hey they're all fake).  That was the very definition of awkward.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D.

In 5th place?  Ben.

Part III I can't believe he got to the final. He's like the quiet scampering mammal at the foot of the dinosaurs that somehow survived extinction. V sweet.  No mother could complain at her daughter, or son, turning up with him in tow.

In 4th place?  Verne!  The bookies will be pleased....It really is looking like Ulrika or Terry could take it.  Balloons always have a certain sadness about them. When the 'Can Verne Do it? Yes He Can!' balloon completely obscured Verne taking his walk of shame before the photographers, well....sad.

Part IV The drunk scootering was funny but, again, I felt uncomfortable.  Verne is being v slebby wearing his shades throughout.  Private?  Private?!  You're in the BB house! In the next series there will be in-body cameras looking out.  I don't like to think of Verne having 'private' thoughts about La Toya.  Coolio on Verne: 'little brother from another mother'.  I never ever want to see the doll-snogging incident again.  Face hugger horror snogger. Vile.

In 3rd place?  PLEASE not Ulrika...COOLIO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!  We saw both masks slip as he struggled to take the result in.  Why is he furiously moisturising his hands in some weird Lady Macbeth gesture?  The eviction of Bully-O is a triumph for fairness, tunefulness and non-ridiculous hair.  It's so good when the bad guy loses.

The End is Nigh

The wine is chilling and I am making major snack decisions for the Live Final.  I've been distracted from this series by the Girls (Violet laid egg number 10 this morning.  We're taking Gerty for IVF off-off-Harley Street). Undoubtedly I'd have been more involved in the show had it featured chickens (or Come Dine With Me tasks).  Overall, I've enjoyed it.

Last night Coolio apparently accused Ulrika of being a racist on the basis that she doesn't like him or La Toya.  BB supposedly beeped his claim out.  Is it because you are black, Bully-O?  I think not.

Last night I was on the Brighton to London train minding my own business texting away quietly and worrying about the Girls.  At Gatwick I shuffled in my seat to make room for the holiday-makers who I always resent just because they're on holiday and I am not.  I am dimly aware of an attractive man seating himself to my left.  After about 10 minutes he thrusts a bag of sweets in my face saying 'Candy, Candy?'.   

I have always relied on the kindness of strangers and and I didn't want to be rude and, on closer examination he was very handsome indeed.  So I popped one of his black shiny lozenges in my mouth.  Alexe, for this was his name, had just arrived from Serbia for his sister's wedding.  He had two whole weeks off because of an injury to his knee sustained by playing volleyball.  These, and other fascinating facts, I gleaned as we sped towards town. 

At it's centre the sweety was chewy and creamy and, seeing my delight, Alexe proffered another.  Suddenly we were at his stop.  He got up, being careful of his knee, flashed a dazzling smile and was off.  The doors were closing. All I could think to shout was 'Thank you for the...' looking at the wrapper for the first time 'Negros!'

Yes, the sweets were called Negros and if you don't believe me--the black guy sitting opposite me  seemed to have a hard time not laughing at me--take a look here.

Moral of the story: NEVER take sweeties from strangers, even handsome Serbian ones with sympathy-inducing injuries.

I offer this up as evidence of my deep and enduring racism. Because, of course, I couldn't just dislike Coolio because he's a talentless, childish bully.

Terry to win, Coolio to convincingly lose.

Winner Fakes It All

So who IS voting for Ben?  Is it you?  It's not me.  I love that Tommy was more popular than LaToya (she was easily the meanest person in house).

I think Verne will win but I'd like Ulrika or Terry to win. If Coolio wins...well, I can't really summon the words.

LaToyaVision

It doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt - through a mouth almost retching with raw hot chilli pepper. I ignore the things that go on, that I feel aren't good for the brain and the heart - in her eviction interview. He's extremely friendly and we all sit and listen to his stories and that's what happened - of Coolio's role in the house.

That LaToya, she's positive thought to the power of an entire rose-tinted spectacle factory. I won't even speculate what lies beneath the "that's nice" / giggle / frozen eyes routine. Instead I'll buy completely into her positivity and raise a toast, to the moon being made always of marshmallows (but only pink ones, because LaT gets spooked out by white foods. Oh.)

I didn't feel anything much at Tommy's interview - except at his naughty suggestion that Coolio is inhabited by some kind of sexuality-doubting demon. Which I now imagine is like the parasitic worm that bugs Irvine Welsh's corrupt copper in Filth.

I also enjoyed how the second eviction went all old-style sitcom briefly, when Ben was hilariously still in the loo as Davina spoke to the house. Open loo door, pause, inane grin, eye roll, canned-like laughter. Frank  Spencer beret, "I did a whoopsie" would have been a nice finisher.

Who is voting for Ulrika? Is it a hoard of Eurovision fans, who admired her competent stewardship of the 1998 contest in the UK? Has she done anything good since then?

Lions share

As sure as Coolio is a gay icon, he now has LOTS in common with Ulrika, just because they're both Leo.

I'm a Leo too. That explains why I'm so like the two of them - such a misogynist/"feminist", such a shaker-upper/bringer-downer, so entertaining/not. He's obviously too busy making lemonade with other hard-knocked Leos to realise that he makes absolutely no sense.

Although perhaps Coo-leo has just bought into the star sign stuff because the lion-like description fits him so perfectly. Here's one: "Leo likes to be the boss. It is a monarchical energy, full of directness that requires self-control for positive expression." Hhmm...

YES we can. NO he did not!

Sadly he did.  Verne kissing the baby dolly was easily the most distressing thing I have seen on television this year.  I know the doll represented Mutya but...after seeing him kick off in the high chair, it made me feel queasy.  Especially when he said words to the effect of 'no one needs to know, it'll be our little secret'.

Terry makes a brilliant Tina and deserves a cameo in Shameless.  I am sure President Obama will govern easy knowing Coolio would give his life for him.  Is Ben a very deep person?  So pleasingly cruel of BB to make Coolio hug Terry. Their little discussion of celebrity was not terribly enlightening.  They're not regular people--they are spoiled.  This is not surprising.

Love this picture of Tommy. It's obviously very hot and sweaty down there.