The Top 10 modern sci-fi movie clichés

Discovering the excellent trailer for Doomsday this week got me thinking how modular many modern movies are: How you can take Ultraviolet and Equilibrium and Resident Evil and Doom and a hundred other thoroughly enjoyable actioners and edit them together in virtually infinite combinations which would all work equally well. There’s no reason why Blockbuster Buzz readers shouldn’t profit by this – just glue together some of the following story and casting elements with the right degree of élan and you should have a green light by tomorrow teatime: 

A virus has decimated the population…

One of the most annoying expenses for a movie producer is not only paying extras, but making sure they’re fed and watered during shooting. If the first words in your pitch are: ‘A mysterious virus has wiped out one tenth of mankind’ the producer will instantly start thinking ’28 Days Later’ and a nice quiet shoot. He'll probably ask you to up it to half of mankind in the interest of fiscal prudence. Make sure you specify 'the near future' for extra special effects savings.

 

…a virus that makes people insanely strong..

I am Legend, the ‘28’ movies and dozens of other apocalyptic shockers have gone with this one. Every virus I’ve ever caught made me want to stay in bed and watch poor people yell at each other on the television. There's really no point to a virus that doesn't get you a day off work.

 

..which can only be resolved by a sassy female Special Forces operative..

Male super-soldiers tend to wear designer combats with lots of bandoliers and cool accessories. Female super-soldiers wear the clingiest thing they can find, and spend a lot of their time with their back to the camera. Ever since Alien producers have been passing the female super-soldier off as empowerment, but twenty years of watching Carrie Ann Moss, Milla Jovovitch and Kate Beckinsale (or their  low-budget equivalents) has left me with the impression that it’s something a little more straightforward.

 

…who’s helped by a slumming British Thesp..

Every sassy female super-soldier needs an avuncular presence in the briefing room. Either an old warhorse who’s failed to make adequate provision for his retirement and needs one last payday before turning in his Equity card, or a thrusting young Shakespearian with a taste for the finer things in life. Colin Salmon, for example, or Sean Pertwee.

 

…who explains the Pop Science..

Whatever’s in the news that week – Genetic Engineering, Nanotechnology, Superconductors: It doesn’t matter what it is exactly, as long as it’s delivered in the rich amontillado tones of a slumming thesp. The movie producer will vaguely remember having heard something about it on the news so your script will seem up to the minute and clever.

 

..which has made the whole world go a bit ‘Mad Max’..

Yes, Mad Max was totally eighties, but all science fiction since the eighties has been totally eighties. Dreadlocked villains in leather are easy to hate, just ask Mick Hucknall, and a post-apocalyptic set is more forgiving of stray bits of camera equipment left in shot than one of those squeaky-clean ‘2001’ setups.

 

..except for the chief villain..

Who may dress a little on the crusty side but retains his dignity and can quote a little bit of Dante between the gunfights: Go for another slumming British thesp here. David Warner is ideal. Failing that, see if Dennis Hopper’s free.

 

..who will take the sassy lead’s gun away..

It’s important to start the movie with a lot of firepower, but for the denouement it’s considered obligatory to settle the issue with a fistfight which is concluded with some sort of poetic justice fall into acid/ the vacuum of space / exploding computer banks for your chief villain.

 

..and don’t forget the product placement.

Something shiny and desirable, some futuristic gadget with an easily-recognised brand name or an astounding 2008 concept car which has been stored in a corrosion-free environment until the end of the movie. That’s why near-future scenarios are best: People will recognise the things you expect them to buy. If you get it right audiences will leave the cinema unsure whether they want to shoot a zombie or buy an Audi.

 

And just remember, when the Oscar for ‘best sound editing’ or ‘visual effects’ (which is the best our kind of movie will ever get) comes in, we were there helping you when it all started.

Comments

[patrick]

you have thoroughly broken the apocalyptic movie code...

[Geoff P]

You forgot collarless shirts! They're key!