7 things I learned from rom-coms

Guest blogger Daniel Bettridge writes:

Some recent research from the boffins over at the Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh has suggested that rom-coms ‘spoil your love life’, misleading the movie-going public by providing inaccurate representations of love and relationships that make everyone’s real life partners seem, well pretty dull in comparison.

To prove this theory the ‘study’ observed 100 student volunteers comparing their reactions to watching rom-coms like  Serendipity, The Runaway Bride and Love Actually, to the reactions of another hundred poor souls who were given a David Lynch drama to watch. Obviously, 100 of the volunteers came out of the experiment confused, bewildered and questioning reality,  while the others had a newfound appreciation for Lynch. But it got me to thinking:  As the type of person who is easily led by the media, the chances are a large proportion of my understanding of romance has come from the twists and turns of these fine educational films.  I thought I’d delve back into some of the syrupy seat fillers that Hollywood drips into cinemas every year to find out just what I’ve learned:

1: The girl of my dreams is probably American –Show me a Richard Curtis rom-com and I’ll show you an English actor bumbling his way into a relationship with a coy American miss (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill). Good to see our special relationship extending to members of the fairer sex, but there is a limited pool of U.S visitors to our shores each year so the odds aren’t good. Furthermore, what happens if I do hook up with a travelling yank? Where will we live? Where will our kids grow up? Will she get a Visa? All practical considerations, conveniently sidestepped by the promoters of transatlantic love-ins.

2: Women fake it – Alongside Sixth Sense and The Planet of the Apes (it was earth all along by the way) this is one of the biggest cinematic reveals in history and one which even M Night Shyamalan couldn’t cook up. Women fake it apparently (When Harry Met Sally). Yes I hope Meg’s husband knows because judging by her performance in this admittedly decent movie, she’s been lying to him for years.

3: I’ll meet her when I least expect it –The love of my life is out there, but meeting her isn’t going to be that easy. You see it’s all down to chance. She may be on the tube (Sliding Doors) or sparks may fly when we go to try on the same pair of gloves (Serendipity); but its almost certainly not going to be as simple as going down the pub and buying her a drink. But wait a minute, this doesn’t sound right at all. I mean have you tried meeting people on tube? It’s incredibly difficult to engage in a bout of flirtatious eye contact when your face is buried deep in the armpit of a City boy’s suit. Worse, as I gaze forlornly as we’re shuttled between stations she’ll probably think I’m crazy and report me to the police before we’re even halfway round the Circle line.

4: Chances are she’s seeing someone else – The message is coming through loud and clear if you believe in what the rom-coms are shovelling. The girl of your dreams is out there, but I’m afraid she’s seeing someone else, someone who is wholly unsuitable; she just doesn’t know it yet. And she’ll probably be the last to know (around 20 minutes before the end of the film normally). So in the absence of Cupid I’m going to have to move things along myself, engaging in the sort of emotional espionage that would get me onto Jeremy Kyle.. It’s the poor sap she’s left I feel sorry for, as rom-coms rarely show us the impact that the messy break-up of an engagement or long-term relationship can have. But she’s making the right choice isn’t she? I mean the other guy sneezes a lot (Sleepless in Seattle) or simply wasn’t Tom Hanks (You’ve got Mail) both of which are of course perfectly valid reasons to break up a functional relationship on a whim. The problem is though, that I’m not Tom Hanks and what happens if he just turns up out of the blue one day, how am I supposed to trust that my newfound paramour won’t just run off into the sunset, leaving me to tell not only our friends but also the novelty Mexican band I’d booked for our wedding. Thoughtless harpy!

5: Our friends will be heavily involved in the process – Yes if you’re a bloke with a geeky, sickeningly loved up, or just plain right disgusting best mate; chances are he’s going to be heavily involved in the process of meeting your future wife. And in return for his actions your wingman will cop off with one of the bridesmaids at your wedding, usually your love interest’s best friend who will either be a complete prude or hilariously slutty.

6: I’ll probably have to breach airport security at some point, or at the very least run a bit – You see if there’s one thing I’ve learnt above all else from watching rom-coms down the years it’s that you don’t tell women what you really think unless you get it wrong, or, boo-hoo, you get your feelings hurt. That is unless you’re Mel Gibson in which case, get this, you hilariously already know what they’re thinking and, better than that, have stumbled upon the secret to telepathy which could change human existence as we know it.

You see whilst we may have just met the woman whom we hope to spend the rest of our lives with; we’re genetically made up to be stubborn ignorant fools who wont tell said woman how we feel until she’s got sick of us and decided to move on. Only at this point will we spring into action, ready to throw together an elaborate show of affection at a moment’s notice in a bid to convince her of our true feelings.

So say goodbye airport security (Love Actually) and hello to some loud playing Peter Gabriel (Say Anything) because at times like these only an over the top display of affection will cover up your weeks, nay months of inactivity and emotional failing.

7: Absolutely nothing about relationships – Rom-coms have their place, if only to convince those of us cynics that there is someone bearable enough to spend the rest of our lives with out there and their just waiting to have our coffee scald them when we’re next on the tube. But what they neglect to tell you in all of the doe-eyed montage of the act of falling in love, is anything substantial about everyday relationships. Time and time again, once our lovebirds get together the credits roll, leaving us smugly satisfied, safe in the knowledge that our protagonists are going to live happily ever after. But in real life, the credits never roll and maybe if we saw more movies with Hugh and Julia arguing about whose turn it is to do the hoovering, or Meg yelling at Tom for watching the football again, our hopes might be a bit more realistic.

Comments

[berlin]

Can I just put the writer of this article right on something - I did meet the girl of my dreams on the underground, on the metro in Madrid. The first time we made eye contact and started talking, but she wouldn't come for a coffee afterwards. The second time we bumped into each other on Line 9, six months or so later, she wrote me her phone number, unasked, in a shaking hand, telling me that she did not want us to lose each other again. We spent 19 months together after that, and are still in contact. I would say this is a victory for filmic coincidence/seizing the moment etc., and proof that anything can happen if the will is there.

[Fiona]

also, the whole dying as the greatest proof of true love thing is totally overrated...

[raggy]

pah! statistically insignificant.

[Shelley]

Well, shoot. I've actually never seen Planet of the Apes and it was on my must-see list. Emphasis on "was." Thanks for spoiling it for me, man.
Signed, a peeved American miss/dream girl

[Simon]

OK most sensible people know that rom-coms are hopelessly detached from reality, but I'll stick with them over David Lynch. At least I won't come out of the cinema wanting to slit my wrists.

[DanielB]

SHELLEY, I can only apologise, but please don't let me put you off those damn dirty apes, they're still well worth a watch, as might i add, is the Simpsons' musical version, which i think actually improves on the original.

[Tone Clarke]

Grammar.

[Ripcord]

Oh Shelley, have you been in stasis? That's like saying, "Don't tell me the results of the 1966 world cup, I'm going to watch the replay.".

[Gwen]

You are so right! Those movies are so unrealistic about what a real love relationship takes. I think they contribute to the high divorce rates. People think that love just happens, but in reality it takes work!

[starling]

What WERE the results of the 1966 World Cup?

Personally I think it's more likely that you'll find the love of your live in the Tube than in the pub, since someone you meet in the pub is more likely to be the result of beer goggles.

[Ella]

Number 8: no matter how unlikely the odds, or bad the behaviour, 5 minutes before the end of the movie the girl will instead of doing the sensible thing (leave the country / take out a restraining order / take new job / go back to previous perfectly nice if boring man) reverse all the previous momentum of the plot to fall into the guy's arms so they can finish the film on a happy note. As noted previously, this usually happens in an airport. This part should carry a health warning as the most divorced (excuse pun) from reality part of the whole shebang. Berlin-esque evidence to the contrary would be most interesting!

[Jim]

"and **their** just waiting to have our coffee scald them when we’re next on the tube"

Ouch! And I'm not referring to the coffee.

[online survey jobs]

this is so good.