Cassandra - Times Online - WBLG

Grab The Espresso Machine!

A friend of mine recently got divorced. She bought an Apple iphone. We met for dinner and she showed it to me. She seemed happy. She could point her finger at a name or number in her address book and not have to dial.

A few days later she called me in tears. She left it in a taxi. “Where are you calling from?” I asked. It was a sensible question. She was calling from her land line at home. I felt good knowing she knew my number by heart.

But she was upset. Losing her iphone was worse than her divorce.
She could rebuild her life without her husband. But rebuilding her life without her address book? That was unbearable.

When someone has lost something by accident, there will always be someone who points out it’s their own fault. What good does that do? When I thought I lost my computer, a man standing on the immigration line said, “If it mattered that much to you, you would have taken better care of it.”

Why was he saying this? Scolding me. He wasn’t my father. I have difficulty with these people. I try to block them out but I can’t. I looked at him and said, “You must be perfect. You must never make a mistake. That must be nice. But don’t lecture me.”

He didn’t know what to say after that.

If there was a fire and I lost all my stuff, I wouldn’t care. I would start over. I can’t think of anything I would miss that I couldn’t replace. What difference does it make holding on to photographs? I have a memory.

When you think about it, aside from a human being or an animal, what is there really worth saving?

Words Not To Live By

Sometimes someone will say something and immediately, I’ll lose interest in continuing the rest of the conversation.

A few years ago I went out with a man who ended a message on my answering machine with “rock on”
As in, “I’ll try you again tomorrow….rock on.”
What’s wrong with good-bye? Or nothing at all. Just hang up. We weren’t meant to be.
I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends and I’m not alone. Certain sayings can be an instant turn off.

Here is a partial, not comprehensive, list of things people should stop saying:

1. Pardon my French (after cursing)

2. Anyhoo

3. We’re not in Kansas anymore

4. Rock on

5. What’s the plan Stan?

6. Give me a shout

7. Fancy Shmancy

8. I’m just calling to say howdy

9. Hell-o?

10. Who’d of thunk it?

What Not To Say When Pitching A TV Show

People in London have been curious. What was it like to pitch a TV show in LA, they ask. I tell them it’s a lot like being the guest of honor at a dinner party. And everyone is eagerly waiting for you to get to the funny part of the story, looking at you, waiting to laugh. Only no one is drunk.

Just before the meeting begins, an assistant will ask if you like your bottle of water room temperature or chilled. A friend of mine says he always messes this part up and asks for: “A little bit of both.”

I suggest preparing. If you have sensitive teeth, as I do, room temperature is best.

Once the meeting begins, the agents will greet the executives and the executives will greet the agents and then everything will get very quiet as people sit down, exhale, and stare at you. There’s a lot of performing involved in pitching. The goal is to get people really excited about your idea – which is the exact opposite of what I’m good at. If only it was about finding reasons why something won't work.

If the aim is to pitch a TV show that someone's interested in, I can't help. But here are some tips on what not to say:

1. I can’t really explain it, but trust me, it’s funny.

2. Does everything always have to be successful?

3. After watching this show, people will feel miserable.

4. I heard you passed on CSI

5. People say I’m difficult to work with but I don’t think I am.

6. You look so much like my nana

7.. Before I tell you my idea, let’s talk about Burma

8.. Is it true you’re the person who tried to kill Seinfeld?

9. There’s nothing sexy about this show.

10. I think we might have the same psychopharmacologist!