Communist joke competition: So Trotsky walks into a bar.....

Great item on the Today programme this morning, plugging a book called Hammer and Tickle by Ben Lewis. It's a "history of communism told through jokes".

The show featured one fine example:

A man is thrown in a Soviet prison cell and the other inhabitants of the cell crowd round him. "How long you in for," they ask. "Ten years," the new man laments. "And what did you do?" "Nothing. I did nothing". "You liar," the prisoners shout. "For nothing you get five years."

My own favourite (I am not sure whether it is in the book) is this:

A man dies and it is judgement day. "I am afraid you have not made it to heaven. But you can, as a special favour, have a choice of hells".

"What do you mean, a choice of hells?" "You can go to the capitalist hell or the communist hell".

"Ok, fair enough, but what's the difference between them?" "Well, the capitalist hell has fire and brimstone and torture." "And the communist hell?" "That has brimstone and torture and fire".

"I don't understand. They sound exactly the same. Which should I pick?"

"If I were you I'd  choose the communist hell."

"Why should I do that?"

"Well, you know what these socialist places are like. Sometimes there's no fire, sometimes there's no brimstone, sometimes there's no torture........."

Boom, boom as Basil Brush would say.

Why don't we have a Comment Central competition? Send me your favourite communist joke by posting it in the comments or emailing me at commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk

Winner gets a copy of Hammer and Tickle.

Comments

[Jonathan]

A man goes to car showroom and orders a Lada. The sales guy tells him there's a bit of a waiting list but the car will be available for collection on June 24th 2017. The man asks
"Morning or afternoon?"

"Why do you care?" says the salesman

"Because they are coming to connect my new phone line in the morning"

[Shaira]

Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev are on a train crossing Siberia when it breaks down.

"Do not worry, comrades!" cries Lenin. "The people will throw off the chains of their capitalist overlords, and get the train moving again!"

The three wait for a few hours. The train doesn't move. Stalin gets up.

"Comrades," says Stalin, menacingly. "Do not worry. I will shoot every third man until the train starts moving again." He goes out, and comes back several hours later covered in blood. The train still isn't moving.

Brezhnev gets up, a patient smile on his face. "Comrades," he says, gently. "Do not worry. I have the solution to all our problems. Let us just *pretend* the train is moving."

[Tom Freeman]

I have no idea if this is in the book but I love it anyway:

Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for.

The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.”

The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

[Lisa]

To be honest, Jonathan's joke could also apply to some of the Capitalist telephone service providers.

[Chris Lewis]

I'm not sure if this is the book either,

A man from Soviet Russia, a man from Soviet Poland and an American are on a train.

The Russian is bored. He looks around, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. He opens it to reveal countless bottles of vodka. He takes one and throws the rest out of the window. He takes a swig from the bottle and throws that out of the window as well.

The Pole and the American are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The Russian shrugs his shoulders and says "Where I am from we have plenty of vodka."

The American, not wanting to be outdone, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. Inside are countless packets of cigarettes. He takes a pack and throws the rest out of the window. He then takes a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. He then throws the cigarette and the packet out of the window.

The Russian and the Pole are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The American shrugs and says "Where I am from we have loads of cigarettes."

The Pole looks a little uncomfortable, thinks for a moment and then throws the Russian out of the window.

[Adrian]

A rare visitor to Soviet Russia in the '50s wants to get the view of the man on the street. He accosts a number of strangers and asks them "What do you think of Stalin?". Each avoids his eye and scurries away until one man, saying nothing but with a barely perceptible nod, signals to the visitor to follow him. Understanding the need to keep his distance he follows the stranger up the road, onto a tram, another tram, a further walk and finally a third tram to a desolate industrial zone. He follows into an abandoned building where he finds his man in a concealed corner and joins him there. "Actually" he says "I quite like him".

[Geraint Jennings]

Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"

(first heard by me in the Brezhnev era)

[John Ellwood]

A couple of oldies but goodies from "Le Monde", back in the 70's:
- Adam and Eve were Communist. Who else could be naked, have nothing to eat but one apple between them, and think themselves in Paradise?
- A Deviationist is someone who keeps going straight as the party veers to left or right.

And my favorite: the definition of ecstasy. An American, a Frenchman and a Soviet citizen are discussing what true ecstasy is. The American says it's a cold beer during the World Series. The Frenchman claims it's a good lover, a good bottle of wine and a gourmet meal. The Soviet citizen says they have it wrong. Ecstasy is having the police knock on your door at 3 a.m. and say "Pyotr Ivanovich, come with us." Real ecstasy is being able to reply, "I'm sorry, Comrades, but Pyotr Ivanovich lives one floor up." However, TRUE ecstasy only occurs if they, by some miracle, do not arrest you for not being Pyotr Ivanovich.

[Gavin]

I can't wait for the Nazi jokes, Khmer Rouge shaggy dog stories or Rwanda genocide themed knock knock jokes.

[Chris]

1) What's 300 feet long, grey and eats cabbage?
The queue outside a Russian butcher's shop.

2) A Soviet schoolteacher is told her class will be visited by a Commisar so she drills the kids on how to answer any questions. The Commisar arrives and asks a little girl who she is and what she wants to be when she grows up. The girl replies "I am Natasha, my father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state and when I grow up I want to be a tractor driver". "Very good" replies the Commisar. "And what about you?" he says to a little boy. He replies "I am Vladimir, my father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state and when I grow up I want to be a cosmonaut". "Very good" replies the Commisar, then he points to a little Jewish boy at the back of the class. "And what about you?" "I am Reuben" he replies, "My father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the Commisar. "An orphan" replies the boy.

[Thomas the Irrelevant]

"Oh my God! They killed Trotsky!"

"Those Bolsheviks!"

South Gorky Park

[Bob]

these comments are why europe hates us and why we never win eurovision...

[Cynosarges]

One joke I heard in Warsaw, just before Eastern Europe threw the communists out -

The pope dies, and goes to Heaven. Standing before the throne of the Almighty, God tells him "My son, you have been a good Catholic, and defended the Church against the godless communists. I will grant you three wishes.

John Paul replies "I wish that the Chinese invade Poland."

"Very well my son" ... and the Chinese invade Poland, and then return home.

Again, John Paul appears before God, and again, he wishes that the Chinese invade Poland". Again, God grants the wish, the Chinese invade Poland and then go home again.

A third time John Paul appears before God, and yet again he wishes for the Chinese to invade Poland. A third time, the Chinese invade Poland, and a third time, they return home.

Then God asks John Paul "Tell me my son, why did you wish for the Chinese to invade your homeland?" John Paul replies "because to get to Poland, the Chinese had to go right across Russia, and to go home, the Chinese had to go across Russia a second time!"

[E.L.SORDO]

When told atomic war has broken out, go home , put on a white sheet and walk slowly to the nearest cemetery. Why slowly?
So as not to start a panic.

[BenSix]

The Revolutionary Communist Party.

[Cackling Sue]

I would rather enjoy a few jokes than have Britain win Eurovision any day...

[Lee Jakeman]

My favourite is still: Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

[Geoff]

Bob, since when was the USSR part of "Europe"? After all, Margaret Thatcher led our country in the liberation of half of "Europe" from the Red Menace.

[Jon]

Why was Stalin not allowed to enter a NASCAR race?

Because when you're Russian for the finish line, there's no time for Stalin.

[Adam]

Trotsky walks into a bar ...

And has to leave quickly, looking over his shoulder, after he asks for a drink that's not on the Party's approved list.

[Julian Cox]

Christopher Columbus was the first Marxist-Leninist. When he set out, he didn't know where he was going; when he got there, he didn't know where he was; and he did it all on someone else's money...

[Andras Bereznay]

Two people enter into discussion on the Trans-Siberian express (in c. 1970)

- Where is Comrade traveling to?

- Me, to Vladivostok. And Comrade?

- Me, to Moscow. Look, how wonderful is Soviet technology!

[Julian Cox]

It was 6.00 am on a cold winter's day in Moscow, too many degrees below zero and with an overcast sky threatening snow.

A long, begraggled but orderly queue had formed overnight between the snowdrifts outside one of dilapidated outlets of the official Soyuz Stolichnaya vodka distributor.

At 10.00 am, an hour after its official opening time, a little hatch in the paint-peeled door opened up and a Soviet commissar announced "The workers of the Stolichnaya Vodka Co-Operative are presently stranded in the snow and the delivery will be late. Our heros will prevail against the anti-Soviet weather - but the vodka must rationed. There will be no vodka sold to the loyal Jewish citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics today!"

Obediently the Jewish citizens of the USSR left the queue and the little hatch in the door closed.

At 11.30 am, the little hatch opened up again, and the commissar announced, "The anti-Soviet weather has been vanquished, but the heros of Soviet labour have now to repair the engineering of the delivery van which has been damaged by anti-Soviet saboteurs. There will be no vodka sold to the citizens of the Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic today!" And so the citizens of Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic duly left the line.

The weather grew even colder and it started to snow...

At regular intervals throughout the day, the little hatch would open and the commissar would announce the latest incident to have held up the delivery of the vodka, each time announcing that certain loyal citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics had to leave the queue.

By 5.00 pm, citizens of the Armenian SSR, Azerbaijan SSR, Byelorussian SSR, Estonian SSR, Georgian SSR, Kazakh SSR, Kirghiz SSR, Latvian SSR, Lithuanian SSR, Tajik SSR and Turkmen SSR had all left the queue as instructed and the only people left waiting were the ethnic Russians of the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

At 5.30 pm, just before official closing time, once again the little hatch in the door opened and the commissar's head popped out to announce that reactionaries working along the Soviet benzine pipeline had prevented the duly repaired delivery van from filling its tank and thus reaching its destination. As a result, there would be no vodka sold that day, even to loyal citizens of the Russian SSFR.

Freezing cold, covered in snow, hungry and tired, one Russian turned to the person behind him in the queue and said in a whisper, "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

[Andras Bereznay]

Two men walk on a Budapest street in December 1950.

One sighs, "It's unbearable!"

A third man, walking up to the that point a little behind them grabs his arm.

-You are arrested on account of dispersing hostile propaganda against the People's Democracy.

-But I was merely commenting on the cold!

-You are lying. The cold is bearable.

[Andras Bereznay]

One addresses another in Hungary in 1951.

- Have you heard in the news that the building of communism will be completed by this time next year?

- Ha-ha! I 've got cancer.

[peter faux]

A Communist Joke;
Robert Mugabe

[Chris Gallagher]

An American and a Russian General meet up at Disarmament talks and start boasting about their armies. The Russian general says "My army is the best fed army in the world. Each day the Red Army soldier eats 1500 calories".

The American Army General says "That's nothing, the US Army gets 4000 calories a day".

The Russian says "Nonsense, nobody can eat that many Potatoes in a day".

[Enkhtaivan Gantulga]

This is an extract from Vasily Grossman's Magnum Opus novel Life and Fate. I find it bitterly truthful and yet so funny.

...We had a director called Shmatkov who was always shouting:
"The factory's more important than your own mother. Even if you work yourself to death - you must fulfil the plan! And if you don't - I'll work you to death myself." And then one fine day we hear that Shmatkov is being transferred to Voskresensk. "Afanasy Lukich" I asked him "How can you leave us like this? We're behind with the plan!" He just said quite straightforwardly, "Well, we've got childre in Moscow and Voskresensk is much closer. And then we've been offered a good flat - with a garden. My wife is always getting ill and she needs some fresh air."

[Timothy Riley]

What's the tallest building in Moscow?

The Lubyanka - even from the basement you can see all the way to Siberia.

[Eagle in NYC]

Lenin just called Ken Livingstone to say that he wants the word “useful” back.

[Duncan MacLean, Reno, Nevada]

What is a communist? One who has yearnings to take equal profits from unequal earnings. Be he Idler or bungler or both he is willing, to fork out a sixpence and pocket your shilling!

[Richard Hills]

Mikhail Gorbachev was having lunch at Windsor Castle during his visit to Britain. As the guests were working their way through the hors-d’oeuvres he was horrified to see one of his apparatchiks sliding one of HM’s gold spoons into his sleeve.

At first, Gorby was outraged. But then, struck with a bright idea, he started to work his own spoon towards his pocket. Unfortunately it struck his glass and as the tinkle resounded everyone around the table assumed he was going to make a speech.

Scrambling to his feet, clutching his spoon, and thinking quickly, he announced: “I will now perform a magic trick.” Holding up the spoon, he said, “See this gold spoon? I will put it in my breast pocket, like this, and Vladimir Ilianovich down there will produce it from his sleeve!”

[Gregory Baker]

Stalin is on his deathbed, dying, and summons Khrushchev. "I know you will beat out the competition and succeed me," Stalin said, "so, for your guidance, I have prepared two letters. Open the first one when you are in trouble with the Party the first time. Open the second one when you are in danger of being deposed."

Khrushchev obeys Stalin and takes the two letters. In 1956, he faces problems with the Party over Hungary and Suez. He opens the first one and reads "Blame everything on me!" So, Khrushchev gives the secret speech condemning Stalin to the Party Congress, causing the tummult to die down.

In 1964, Khrushchev is about to be deposed by Brezhnev and Kosigyn. He opens up the second letter. It said:

"Prepare two letters."

[RLG]

Q: Why did the Russians shoot down KLH flight 007?

A: To impress Jody Foster.

[Vlad Shclover]

Two russian jews talking:
- Abram, why are you saving money ? Don't you know that we are going to the Communism and when we get there no one will need any money at all.
- I am saving for my way back.

[Richard]

Q. What would happen if the USSR invaded Siberia?

A. Nothing for five years, then there'd be a shortage of sand

[Richard]

Q. What's the difference between a Christian and a Communist?

A. A Christian believes what's mine is yours, a Communist what's yours is mine

[Richard]

A man goes into a Police station in Budapest to report a theft

Man: A Swiss soldier has stolen my Russian watch
Policeman: I beg your pardon
Man: A Swiss soldier has stolen my Russian watch
Policeman: Don't you mean, A Russian soldier has stolen your Swiss watch?
Man: You said it Comrade

[Austin]

A Jew was stranded in a Moscow trainstop and needed to find a telephone. He asked the man next to him "are you anti-semitic?" and the man quickly replied "of course not, what an awfull thing to ask." The stranded Jew asked several more Russians the same question, but they denied being racist. Then he asked a man, "Comrade, are you anti-semitic?" and he replied, "hell yes, I can't stand them!" The Jew looked at him for a moment and said, "finally an honest man, here would you watch my luggage while I go find a payphone?"

[Tony Francis]

Here are a some Communist jokes: The symbol of the Communist Party of the United States is copyrighted, as is their website. The website sells advertising space. The Communist Party of USA website has an on-line gift shop selling anti-capitalist slogans, bumper stickers, t-shirts and books (postage extra). You can pay with any major credit card. The site moves at a sluggish, socialist snail's-pace.

[AJ]

Two Russian generals are at a Red Square May Day Parade and need to use the toilet. They go together. While they are urinating, one general says:

"Ivan, one thing I do not understand. Before the Great Revolution, your family were weaalthy friends of the czar. You had everything you wished for: palaces, homes in France, beautiful women, and so much money. Me, I am from peasant stock. So different."

"So? What do you not understand?" asks the other general.

Well, we have both come through the ranks and are now both 4 star generals. Such wonderful equality."

"But what is your point, comrade?" asks the other general.

"Well if we are now equal, why is it that when you pee, you make a big gushing sound. Me I make no sound."

"Because you are peeing on my fur coat. you Russian peasant."

[Mark Cobley]

Above, the Sickle - below, the Hammer
This is the seal on our Soviet banner
Whatever in life you choose to do
It's all the same, you'll still get screwed.

Also

In Soviet Russia, joke tells you!

[Bleepless]

Three prisoners start talking about their crimes.
First one: "I criticized Comrade Ivanov."
Second one: "I defended Comrade Ivanov."
Third one: "I am Comrade Ivanov."

Another anekdot:
Lenin dies and goes to Hell. A couple of weeks later, God is at the fence and sees the Devil, who is looking a bit upset. "Hey, Satan! What's wrong?"
"Oh," says Satan. "It's that Lenin character. What a pain in the rear!"
God says, "Well, I'm not very busy right now. I'll take him for a while."
Satan perks up. "You will? Thank you very much!" He boots Lenin over.
A couple of weeks later, Satan runs into God, who is walking along in a business-like manner. "Hey, God, how are you doing with Lenin?"
God answers, "First, that's Comrade God. Second, there is no God. Third, I can't stop to talk. I'm late for a Party meeting."

[Anton]

As the saying went in the Soviet Union: We pretend that we work and the government pretends that it pays us.

[Anton]

A real story from Russia:

During the Cold War Canadian national hockey team was playing in Moscow against the USSR, and were staying in a Moscow hotel. The team members decided to search for bugs in one of their hotel rooms. They lifted a carpet and saw a round metal thing on the floor. They took a hammer and tried to remove the bug - and a chandelier in a hotel room on the floor below fell down.

[Hadyn]

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

[Tim]

A Stalinist joke:

Gordon Brown.

[Tom]

Gavin, above June 2, 17:17:52, should know that all Socialist totalitarian ideologies, such as Nazi, Khmer Rouge, Rwanda, China Red Army, etc. are communist blood brothers of Lenin exported from the vast former Sowjet Union. Yet the movement is still marching on under many more 'harmless' sounding names and causes. Question: Who first financed it and where do the funds come from now? Not funny at all !!!

[Shuggy]

Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev are on a train crossing Siberia when it breaks down....

This version of the same is better:

Lenin says: "Re-educate those responsible."

The conductor comes back and says, "This has been done, yet the train isn't moving."

Stalin says, "Shoot those responsible!"

The conductor returns and says, "The driver and the engineer have been shot - but still the train isn't moving."

Brezhnev says, "Paint the windows black and tell everyone we're moving."

[Andy Page]

'Comrade,' asks the secretary of the Party Bureau, 'Do you have an opinion on this question?'

'I have an opinion yes, but I don't agree with it!'

[JorgXMcKie]

On a cold winter afternoon, two retired Soviet citizens are sitting on a park bench in Moscow.

The first, shabbily dressed old guy looks at the second, better dressed old guy and says,

"Comrade! I'm retired from the collective farm and was formerly a peasant and I'm visiting Moscow. What about you?"

The second gave him a surly look and said, "I'm a retired Party functionary, and my grandfather was a Count under the Tsar."

The second sat quietly in thought for a while, and then said,

"Comrade! Where but in Mother Roosya could a former peasant like myself and a former aristocrat like yourself share a parkbench in peace and harmony?"

And the second guy grumpily says, "Da."

After a bit, the first old guy pulls out a big bottle of vodka and offers to share with the second guy. He accepts. After drinking a bit, the first guy turns to the second guy and says,

"Comrade!! Where but in Mother Roosya could a former peasant like myself and a former aristocrat like yourself sit on a parkbench and drink vodka together in peace and harmony?"

"Da."

Pretty soon, well-lubricated the first guy says, "Comrade!! Where but in Mother Roosya could a former peasant like myself and a former aristocrat like yourself share such conversation and vodka on such a beautiful winter afternoon on a parkbench?"

"Da."

Finally, nature takes its course and both men need to urinate, but they're old and there's no public bathroom, so they step behind a very big bush.

"Comrade!! Where but in Mother Roosya could a former peasant like myself and a former aristocrat like you share conversation, vodak, conversation, and a parkbench on such a wonderful winter afternoon and the urinate together behind a bush? But, comrade, I have a question. As I urinate, it is making a splashing sound, but your urination is making no sound at all. Why is that?"

"Because, peasant, I piss on your leg."

[Molotov Cocktail With Ice]

Two Soviet police spot a man walking at night.

The first policeman warns the man "Comrade! You have 15 minutes to get home before the curfew."

The second policeman pulls out his gun and shoots the man. "Why did you do that, he had 15 minutes to get home?" the first said.

"He wouldn't have made it, I know where he lives!" was the reply.

[Molotov Cocktail With Ice]

A group of Russians were sharing a train compartment on the night train. They spent the night telling jokes.

The next morning, one of the men woke up to find the others gone. He asked the guard where they went. He replied, "they were telling jokes." The man admitted he had been telling jokes too. "We liked your jokes!" the guard stated.

[Molotov Cocktail With Ice]

Supposed to be true: A group of National Geographic photographers and writers were staying at a Moscow hotel, and had a good party one evening. As they partied, one spoke loudly into the lamp: "We are having such a good time! It's such a shame you aren't!"

A moment later the phone rang, when someone answered all they heard was the sound of a champaigne cork popping!

[Mr Pedantic]

Most of these are old jokes as if Russian-style communism is all in the past. How about something more contemporary?

Putin: “Congratulations Svetlana Medvedeva on your husband's landslide election to President.”
Svetlana: “My God, Vladimir Vladimirovich! My Dmitry President! When did that happen?”
Putin: “Next March.”

Mikhael Saakashvili: “I’m sorry to complain again Mr President, but Georgia’s gas pressure is rather low again.”
Vladimir Putin: “You’ve got gas, Comrade President! I’m sure that wasn’t supposed to happen this week.”

Early in 2003 President Putin visited Azerbaijan.
Putin: “… and how are things going Comrade?”
Ilham Aliyev: “Terrible, Mr President, terrible! Drug-running is totally out of control here, the people are starving through lack of food and fuel, the Gabala radar station just fell down, and the Generals are threatening mutiny.
“The Council of Europe is threatening to throw us out again, I suspect someone else is creaming off more of our oil profits than I am, and the UN is trying to freeze my private Swiss bank accounts.
“It doesn’t matter how often the other broadcasters’ transmitters accidentally break down, I still can’t get anyone to watch AzTV.
“Despite my best efforts, the opposition still think “freedom of speech” means that they can say what they like.
“The Caspian is so polluted I can hardly get any decent caviar nowadays.
“The Armenians are revolting, our prisons still aren’t big enough, my father is very ill in hospital, I think my wife is having an affair, and my dog died.”
Putin: “Oh no! Not that lovely Borzoi that I gave you last year. You must be devastated.”

[John, Sartell, MN, USA]

The Soviet ambasador was delited to report to Moscow that 50,000 New Yorkers were lined up to buy a book by Marx. What he was ashamed to report was that it was by Groucho Marx!

[steve tiller]

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were all telling Communist jokes.

Well, said the Englishman, this ones about the fact that the Soviet people from 1917 until 1989 never ate anything but potatoes. That must be true, said the American but mine’s much funnier than that. It’s about the fact that the only job you could ever get in the USSR was to be a tractor driver. Not bad, not bad, said the Frenchman. But mine’s a real corker. It’s 1968. It’s the height of the Cold War and unbeknown to the West, one third of the population of Russia, Hungary, Poland, East Germany, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Bulgaria was actually working in a factory that wasn’t producing anything, one third of the population was being arrested by the KGB and the last third was actually locked up in the Lubyanka.

That’s not funny, said the American. We spent a lot of time and energy fighting that war. Sorry, said the Frenchman. Let’s try and think of another enemy. Yes, they all said, and went off to buy some cheap Chinese made clothes while looking up at the sky to see if any Muslims were going to fly a plane into one of their skyscrapers.

[steve tiller]

Nikolai Ceaucescu was knighted in 1979 .

[steve tiller]

Amazed little boy: Daddy! Daddy! Why are we still telling jokes about communism twenty years after it ended?
Daddy: Just in case anyone would ever be tempted to think there was any validity in Marx’s analysis of Capitalism’s abject failure, as the dominant economic system of the last 500 years, to feed and clothe the world.

[Jonathan L]

-why should you wait after plugging in a Romanian fridge?
-it takes them time to warm up.

[Felix Turner]

Trotsky walks into a bar

He asks for a vodka

Suddenly he says, NO ICE!

[Lana]

A man wants to write about life in prison, so he stands in the middle of Central square and shouts something about the head of the nation being stupid. He gets arrested and thinks he'll get a scentenced for offence, but instead gets 10 years for uncovering government secret.

A guy walking down the streets spreading leaflets is picked up by secret police. They take his leaflets, but they are all blank. "What gives? What's the message?", they ask, and he says "what's there to say, it's all self-evident!"

[Lana (sorry i forgot to type in my mail in the last posting)]

Muler knocks on soviet agent Shtirlitz' door. "Come on, Shtirlitz, we know you're in there"."No I'm not"."Yes you are, your shoes are in front of the door"."..um, I left barefoot"."Blast, missed him again!"

3 students die ang end up in ront of the pearly gates. St Peter greets them: "You, an arts student from France, you haven't suffered enough in this life. Hell for you! Next..you, a biology student from the UK, you've suffered somewhat..Heaven for you. And you, an nucliar physics engineer from Russia - you're going to Hell to learn what Heaven means!

[cookie]

There was a long, long line outside the rationing station, and those part of the queue waited in an unmoving line for hours. Eventually, a man, so fed up with waiting, broke away from the queue and yelled out "I cannot wait any longer! I'm off to assassinate Stalin!", which was recieved with a round of cheer and support.

He returned a few hours later, and rejoined the queue. His comrades asked "How did you go?"

He replied, "There's an even longer line to assassinate Stalin"

[al arsenault]

OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT

[Stuart Lomax]

It was 1980 and I found myself in a small town south of Krakow. I walked to the shops and entered one asking for vegetables, the chap behind the counter informed me "We are a butchers shop we have no meat the shop without vegetables is two doors down the road"

[Bill Guthrie]

Abbreviates form of an oft-told joke from the '80s.
Pole joins meat line which is closed.
Joins cheese line which is closed.
Joins bread line which is closed.
Joins vodka line which is also closed.
When the sign is put out and the door closed at the vodka line, he tears off his hat and stomps on it, tears off his coat and shirt, shows his scars, and yells to the rest of the line, "this is the scar I got at Krakov, this is the scar from Berlin, I am a hero of the Revolution and of the war against the Germans, and I have no meat, no bread and not even vodka. For what have I suffered?"
The crowd applauds and encourages him, but an officer of the secret police steps up and reminds him, "you are right, and times are hard, but remember, not so long ago . . ." and the officer uses his hand like a pistol, puts it to his own head and pulls the "trigger" and his head flops over to the side. "Just go home, comrade, and forget this, and we will do the same."
So he goes home and collapses in his chair, and his wife says, "what's wrong?"
"It's worse than I thought. They've run out of bullets."

[Bill Guthrie]

Two Soviet citizens are discussing the glories of the future Soviet world, and its advances and advantages over the West. One mentions the developments in helicopters. "And so what good will that do us?" asks his friend. "When we all have individual helicopters, then, let's say that there are shoelaces in Kiev, and we shall all be able to go to Kiev for shoelaces."

[Lukasz]

A caller asks Radio Erevan: Can it get any worse?
Radio's answer: Actually, It cannot because if it could it would already have.

[Tomaz Pipan]

It is quite sad that there is so many jokes on behalf of communistic ideology. It is hard to envision, for someone bred by predatory capitalism and egocentrism, benefits of altruistic idealism.

True, it did not work; firstly because of our animal nature and secondly because of capitalistic rivalry which is completely un-compatable with a very nature of communism. And after all, history is always written by the victorious - in this case capitalism.

[sham]

q.what do you call a political party that overthrew one derided system for another?

a.bolshevik

q.No need to be rude-its only a question!!

[sham]

if you support lenin- you are a leninite, if trotsky- you are a trotskyite.... i feel sorry for anyone who supports Gobsch

[zevatron]

"It is quite sad that there is so many jokes on behalf of communistic ideology. It is hard to envision, for someone bred by predatory capitalism and egocentrism, benefits of altruistic idealism.

True, it did not work; firstly because of our animal nature and secondly because of capitalistic rivalry which is completely un-compatable with a very nature of communism. And after all, history is always written by the victorious - in this case capitalism."

I hope that in the spirit of the thread you are joking or perhaps indulging in a bit of parody.

[Don J]

Where is the altruism in a system that uses threat of force to produce desired actions? Altruism springs freely from the heart. Actions taken to avoit externally induced pain are themselves selfish.

[Nick the Greek]

From Solzhenitsyn's 'Cancer Ward':
"If decade after decade the truth cannot be told, each person's mind begins to roam irretrievably. One's fellow countrymen become harder to understand than Martians."

And:

“The Rusanovs loved the People, their great People. They served the People and were ready to give their lives for the People. But as the years went by they found themselves less and less able to tolerate actual human beings, those obstinate creatures who were always resistant, refusing to do what they were told and, besides, demanding something for themselves”.

[Don J]

Every day as they left the factory for home the workers were checked at the gate for contraband. Every day one worker appeared at the gate pushing a wheelbarrow holding a small stack of dirty straw. The KGB agent checked diligently every time but never found any contraband. Finally one day the KGB agent told the man, "I am retiring, today is my last day and I promise not to tell. I know you are stealing something. What are you stealing?"

The man replied, "wheelbarrows."

[The Faceless Bureaucrat]

Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev are on a train crossing Siberia when it breaks down....

This version of the same is better than the last two versions:

Lenin says: "Re-educate those responsible."

The conductor comes back and says, "This has been done, yet the train isn't moving."

Stalin says, "Shoot those responsible!"

The conductor returns and says, "The driver and the engineer have been shot - but still the train isn't moving."

Lenin and Stalin look at Brezhnev to see what he proposes. Instead of suggesting anything, though, he just sits there. After an uncomfortably long pause, Stalin finally asks, 'Comrade, the train has been stalled here for hours. What do you propose to do about the problem?'

Brezhnev turns his head slowly and speaks: 'Problem? What problem?'

[Jeremy Allen]

School boy jokes from the 70s.

Collective farm district leader to collective farmers: " Tavaritse, this year we shall have a huge potato harvest!! We will stack up the potatoes to the feet of God!"

He returns to the district after harvest to find a small, dismal pile of rotting potatoes.

"Tavaritse! This was an order. Potatoes to reach up to the feet of God.!", he screams. "Ah, but Comrade Leader", replies a farmer, "there is no God!"

And to Bulgaria in 1964 where the party is planning a new nightclub in Sofia, to attract foreign clients and dollars. The politburo member in charge stipulates the best of everything- music, wine, brandy, cigars and women. Returning a year later, he finds the club empty and running at a loss.

"What have you done?", he demands of the trembling manager. "I ordered Cuban cigars- you have them?
"Yes Comrade Leader".
"French wine and brandy, Russian vodka! The best!"
"We have done this too, with much effort, Comrade- we don't understand how things are not working out!"
"And the women? The best??", demands the outraged Commissioner.
"Of course Comrade. That was the least of our problems! The girls have all been loyal party members since the Revolution!"

[Mark]

A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.

"Three years!" he asks "What month?"

"August"

"August? What day in August?" He asks

"The Second of August" is the reply

"Morning or Afternoon?"

"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

[ed]

Here's a joke a Czech person told my mother:

Chairman Mao was sitting comfortably in his study, smoking his 20th cigarette of the day.

Marshall Lin Biao ran in, screaming: "Chairman, Chairman, the army of Czechoslovakia is about to invade our Motherland China!"

The Chairman, slowly turned to the Marshall, flicked the ash off his cigarette, and asked gently: "So... which hotel are they staying at?"

[Richard]

A New Communist Joke: Dmitry Medvedev

A Scary Communist Joke: Vladimir Putin

[steve]

So an American British and Soviet doctor are at a bar complaining about losing patients. The America says "I hate it when you start treating a patient for AIDS then he dies of cancer," The British Doctor then says
"I know what you mean, there is nothing worse than diagnosing a patient with yellow fever only to have him die of malaria."
They look at the Soviet doctor but he only bursts out laughing saying " Ha, in the Soviet Union we do not have this problem, when we diagnose a man with the flu he dies of the flu."

[Bleepless]

There were any number of jokes involving Comrade Rubinshtein. Here is one.
"I demand an exit visa!"
"But why, Comrade Rubinshtein?"
"I have two reasons. The first is that when my neighbor gets drunk, he pounds on the wall and yells, 'When the Soviet regime falls, we're going to kill all the Jews!'"
"But Comrade Ribunshtein, the Soviet regime is not going to fall."
"That's my second reason."

[Bleepless]

The Chukchi are a small nationality way up in polar bear country. They starred in several anecdotes.
A Chukcha goes to Moscow and buys a used car. Well, he never has been there before and would like to wander around, but there are signs forbidding parking everywhere he drives. Finlly, he finds a place without such signs, parks and gets out. A cop comes up. "You can't park here."
"I don't see any signs."
"This is Red Square!"
"So?"
"Important people come through here every day. Government Ministers. Central Committee members."
"Oh! Thanks for the warning. I'll lock up."

[miedzjviedjeevh]

Chukchi man speaks on the TV monotonously:
"We live well we have many reindeer herds our children go to schools made of glass and concrete thanks of our beloved communist party for care of us did you understand bastard."

[Simon Levene]

The answer to the question "since when was the USSR part of Europe?"
is "since Europe starts West of the Urals, plenty, including Georgia and the bit of Russia that contains Moscow and St Petersburg."

[Bewl]

I was riding on a train in northern England sitting across from a comumunist Russian man with a thick accent name Olaf.

At each station we came to Olaf would exit the train to buy himself a beer. It was a differnt brand each time and he knew exactly which one he wanted before he left. He knew the best beer at each stop.

When exiting he would stand up and knock my leg every time without appologizing and looking at me as though it was my fault. Very rude!

However, as he left me to ride alone I could not help thinking, "Rude Olaf, the Red, knows train beer."

[Eoin]

Leonid Brezhnev steps up in front of 100,000 people in July 1980. It's the Opening Ceremony of the Moscow Olympic Games. He starts his speech.
"Oh Oh Oh Oh.."
He's interrupted by the official to his right.
"Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic symbol, you're meant to read the speech."

[Lana]

A judge walks out of a courtroom laughing his head off. He meets a colleague who asks him what's so funny. "I've just heard the most frigginly funny political joke EVER!", he says."Do tell!", the colleague asks."I can't, I just gave the man 5 years for that joke!"

Muler is questioning Shtirlitz.
-Name?
-Shtirliz.
-Years? (age)
-How much would you think?
-35 to life!

From the spacecraft, the astronauts look down upon the Earth.
- What an intelligent people. You can see it from here, all of the tiny shining circly spots - everyone is holding up a telescope to look at us!
- Actually, comrade, those aren't telescopes, they're vodka bottles :)

[Lana (mr moderator there's been a mistake those are my jokes, but i forgot to sign in my e-mail. ple]

A man wants to write about life in prison, so he stands in the middle of Central square and shouts something about the head of the nation being stupid. He gets arrested and thinks he'll get a scentenced for offence, but instead gets 10 years for uncovering government secret.

A guy walking down the streets spreading leaflets is picked up by secret police. They take his leaflets, but they are all blank. "What gives? What's the message?", they ask, and he says "what's there to say, it's all self-evident!"

[Lana]

"We spent thousands of dollars in order to invent a pen that can write in space (because of the ink being liquid, problem.) Know what the Russians did? Used a pencil - "after 2 vodkas, still functioning!"

Movie Quote, "Man of the Year", Robbie Williams as Tom Dobbs

[Nuc]

At an East German Army post:
"Men, I have good news and bad news. First the bad news. All leaves are cancelled. Now the good news. There will be a change of underwear. Hans change with Helmut, Helmut change with Fritz, Fritz change with Willi, . . ."

[Anonymous]

What do Russians have on their beds? Lenin.

[Tom]

Re Tim:

POSTED BY: TIM | 3 JUN 2008 23:00:28

Gavin, above June 2, 17:17:52, should know that all Socialist totalitarian ideologies, such as Nazi, Khmer Rouge, Rwanda, China Red Army, etc. are communist blood brothers of Lenin exported from the vast former Sowjet Union. Yet the movement is still marching on under many more 'harmless' sounding names and causes. Question: Who first financed it and where do the funds come from now? Not funny at all !!!

geez, paranoid much?

[vaevictis]

На-на-на, ho-ho-ho. Here are couple jokes.

English lord: What is the noise in the street, Barrymore?
Barrymore: Strike of the prostitutes, sir?
- What are their demands, Barrymore?
- Increase of the earnings, sir.
- Do they really have low earnings?
- No, sir.
- So, why do they strike?
- Bitches, Sir.

In London opera old lady talks to her son.
- John, look at that girl. Her name is Mary. She is from perfect family, her uncle is from House of Lords.
- I don’t like her, mom.
- Than, look at that girl. Her name is Johan. Last year she graduated from Cambridge, her grandpa was a minister.
- I don’t like her ether, mom.
- So whom do you like in any way.
- I like our servant Peter.
-John, but he is a Catholic.

Two gentlemen talks after lunch:
- Tell me, sir. Why did you kiss the hand of my wife all the time?
- You see, they just forget to give me a tea-cloth.

Once Bernard Show said that all the women vendible.
English queen, have heard that and asked Show:
- Is that true you called all the women vendible?
- Yes, your majesty.
- And me too?
- Yes, your majesty.
- So and what is my price?
- Ten thousand pounds, your majesty.
- So cheap?
- Oh, you see, you do not even bargain, your majesty.

[Michel Nowé]

My wife is from Ukraine and told me this joke
There is a queue in front a butchery in SSR of Ukraine.
Bit by bit more people are waiting hoping that they will be able to get something.
After a while a comrade-butcher comes out and tells :
“The Muslims don’t have to wait as there is still no goat meat”
“The Jews don’t have to wait as there is still no beef”
“The Caucasians don’t have to wait as there is still no mouton”
“The Ukrainians don’t have to wait as there is no still pork”
“The Russians don’t have to wait as there is no still chicken meat”
“But the communists can still have more ration stamps”

[Sergei]

Brezhnev looks out of the Kremlin window in the morning, sees the Sun and says to it: :Good morning, Sun!" The Sun answers:"Good morning, our dearest Leonid Ilyich!". Afternoon. Brezhnev looks out of the window and says:"Good afternoon, Sun!" The Sun answers back:"Good afternoon, our dearest Leonid Ilyich!" The evening comes, Brezhnev is about to leave his office, looks out of the window, sees the Sun and says"Well, Good evening,Sun!" the Sun answers:"Get out , you idiot!" Brezhnev in surprise:"Sun, what happened. Why are you so rude now?" The Sun answers with a smile:"I am in the West already, you stupid"

[Michel Nowé]

Prague September 1968.
The Soviet army is pacifying Prague.
A Czech citizen bought during the Prague Spring an expensive Swiss watch and now a soviet soldier took it.
The Czech wants to report it to the police but he understands that for the moment it is too risky to complain about the Soviets.
But he is so furious that he goes to the police and declares :
“I want to complain because today a Swiss soldier stole my Soviet watch”
The police reply : “That is not possible I suppose you mean that a Soviet soldier stole your Swiss watch.”
The man answers : “That’s what you say. I didn’t say that.”

[B.James]

Q. Comrade commissar, what is this thing they call capitalism?
A. Simple. It is the exploitation of man by man.
Q. Then what is communism?
A. Completely the opposite.

[IndyF1]

I heard this one (and a lot of the others listed here) when I went to school in Germany during the Cold War. I used to repeat it to other students at the ultra-far-left University of Hamburg – we called it the People’s Republic of Hamburg – and found they did not appreciate Soviet jokes at all. Fortunately, I thought they were hilarious.

There was a tense meeting between the Soviets and Chinese. The Chinese delegate began. “Your border guards have been shooting at ours, and we demand reparations!”

“OK,” said the Soviet delegate, “What do you want?”

“First,” said the Chinese, “we demand 10 000 wristwatches.”

“Alright, what else?”

“Second, we demand 20 000 pocket calculators,” said the Chinese.

“OK,” said the Soviet, “anything else?”

“Finally,” said the Chinese, “we demand 50 000 tonnes of rice!”

The Soviet laughed. “That’s impossible. Rice doesn’t grow in East Germany.”