Top Ten Communist Jokes

Congratulations Comment Central readers. The results of our Communist joke competition are in and you did us proud.

A copy of Hammer and Tickle will shortly be winging its way to Tom Freeman for the following offering:

1) Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they’re in for. The first man says: “I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.” The second man says: “I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage.” The third man says: “I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch.”

And here are the nine runners-up:

2) An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.
There is a menacing banging on the door.
‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.
‘Death ‘comes the reply.
‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.’   

Dan Sweeney

3)Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.
Neil   
 
4) Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."
Lee Jakeman

5) Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"
(first heard by me in the Brezhnev era) 
Geraint Jennings

6) Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.
After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."
Robert B

7) A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia. After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.
"Three years!" he asks "What month?"
"August"
"August? What day in August?" He asks
"The Second of August" is the reply
"Morning or Afternoon?"
"Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"
"The plumber is coming in the morning."
Mark 

8) Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers?
Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!
Will 

9) Moscow in the 1970s. Deepest winter. A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.

Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event: wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards, they form an orderly queue.

At 3 am the butcher comes out and says, "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee: it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone, so the Jews in the queue should go home."

The Jews obediently leave the queue. The rest continue to wait.

At 7 am, the butcher comes out again: "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee. It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."

The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while: "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

Andrew Vornic/Julian Cox

10) A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
The KGB says "What are you reading old man?" The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."
KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."
"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies.
"But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.
And the old man replies, "Russian, I already know." 

Larry Rasczak

Comments

[Tom Freeman]

Gosh. Thank you Danny! You're too kind.
Tom

[martin sewell]

I liked the radio report that there was bad news and good news with The Five Year Plan.

The bad news - awful crops -manufacuring output poor - no heating oil.

The Good news - it will be a whole lot better than under the next five year plan.

[Pau]

A joke from 1985.
Gorby and Reagan are stranded on an island and find a bottle. They open it and out comes a genie. He says, "I will give you one item, but I must warn you that you will die on this island". So they both decide they want a newspaper from 15 years in the future.
Poof, the paper appears in the sand.
Gorby grabs the paper and turns to the financial page and begins laughing and states, "your Reaganomics have plunged the USA into the deepest recession ever!"
Reagan grabs the paper and turns to the international page and scratches his chin and states, "hmmm, I see there are skirmishes again on the border between Germany and China."

[john newbery]

Brezhnev turns up at a camp in deepest Siberia. It is a snap inspection so he requests that everybody turns out on parade. he mounts the platform and starts his address....."Comrade Sailors of the Soviet navy.....".... there is a sharp tug on his arm - he stops and then restarts in exactly the same way. There is another sharp tug and this time a voice says...." Comrade president sailors have stripes that run horizontally - these are vertical....."

[john newbery]

Brezhenev is showing his aged mother around the Kremlin. He shows her his ornate office, the state rooms, the banqueting suite and the garage full of limos. "Well mother has your boy done well?"

Mother looks aghast......"Son i'm very worried. What if the Bolsheviks come back?"

[Rodney White]

Great jokes! So easy to update! Just replace old commie leader names with Putin, et al -- voila! Fresh material!

[Bill]

The top tem communist jokes ... I only found 9. Is this fact in itself the tenth?

[Andrzej Monka]

Two robotniks in Moscow are working their way along a street, the first one digs a hole on the grass verge and the second one fills it in. Then they walk a bit further on and do the same.
A tourist notices and watches for a while, as they repeat the same procedure over and over.
Curiosity gets the better of him eventually, and he asks one of them what they are doing, to which the robotnik replies "Our comrade who puts the tree in the hole is off sick today".

[David]

Another belated offfering:-

A tattered prisoner lies in chains, on his way to a Siberian gulag.

A guard accosts him "How long are you in for, wretch?"

"Twenty years, Comrade"

"What did you do to deserve that?"

"Nothing, Comrade"

The enraged guard slams his rifle butt into the prisoner's face.

"Don't lie to me wretch - everyone knows for nothing you only get ten years".

[An American Observer]

An acquaintance who visited the Soviet Union during Lenin's centennial reported that there were signs all over saying, "Lenin lived; Lenin lives; Lenin will live."

This prompted a joke:

An old man rings the Moscow central telephone exchange and says he has to talk to Lenin about a matter of great urgency. "You can't talk to Lenin," the operator says. "He's dead." "Isn't that the way?" the old man grumbles. "When I want to talk to him, all of a sudden he's dead."

[derek]

why are communists always getting pulled over?

There always russian!

[Janet Davis]

I can remember a couple of oldies.
1.
Q: What's 600 feet long and eats cabbage?
A: A Polish meat queue.

2.
And the pole-vaulting champion of East Germany is now ... the pole-vaulting champion of West Germany!

[volov]

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee. So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and efficiency. How did you discover this enemy agent so quickly?" asked the concierge

"It's simple , Comrade. Our dear Comrade Honecker began his speech and I remembered our Lenin's dictum:'The Class Enemy never sleeps!' "

[volov]

Question: What's the difference between Capitalism and Communism?

Answer: Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man, whereas Communism is exactly the reverse

-----

Question: What does the Neutron Bomb have in common with DDR coffee?

Answer: They both kill without destroying property

-----

An American comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man. He calls his analyst.

A German comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man. He calls his lawyer.

A Frenchman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man. He calls his mistress.

An Englishman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man. He calls the dog and goes for a walk.

A Russian comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man. He goes purple with rage and yells out:

"Woman, woman, you waste your time like this when there are turnips in the shops!"

[Peter Kaldor]

After the post communist chaos a delegation goes to Stalin who lives comfortably in hell in good company. Come back Comrade Stalin and sort out our troubles. After some thinking he agrees but there is one condition. No more Mr Nice Guy.

Radio Yerevan Brain Trust 1964: Is it possible for Finland to became a communist country?
Yes, but it would be such a pity.

[wilson]

An East German joke from the late 1960s: A man comes before the Court. He has written on a public building: "Everyone working here is stupid." He receives three sentences: One month for defacing a public building; one year for defaming state employees; and five years for betraying a state secret.

[Kieran O'Donnell]

A man being mugged on a Moscow street warns his assailant "Comarade, I can prove categorically that in our society crime doesn't pay. (then to himself) On the other hand, I can also prove that in our society crime doesn't exist."

[John Riseley]

I'm surprised that the only joke I'd previously heard about communism isn't already here.

A young man applies for membership of the Communist Party and has to face a selection committee.

Official: 'Welcome comrade, we are going to ask you a few questions to test your suitability. First question; comrade, what would you do if you owned two houses?'

Young man: 'Comrade, I would give one away to the poor.'

Official: 'Excellent answer, comrade. Second question; comrade, what would you do if you owned two cars?'

Young man: 'Comrade, I would give one away to the poor.'

Official: 'Very good, comrade. Third question; comrade, what would you do if you owned two pairs of shoes?'

Young man: 'But comrade, I do own two pairs of shoes.'

[Ed Zuiderwijk]

From a Polish visitor in the 1970s: The Polish people are blessed with 3 virtues: honesty, loyalty and intelligence. Unfortunately, at birth each Pole gets allocated only 2 of these. Thus there are 3 types of Poles: those who are intelligent and loyal, but they are not very honest, those who are intelligent and honest, but they are not very honest, and those who are both loyal and honest, but alas, they are not very intelligent.

[Sue Burnett]

A worthy winning entry from Tom, and the rest are good too. But why only 9 printed in total when it's a top 10?

[Haralambos Petrokolos]

Three o'clock in the morning there is loud knocking on a Moscowvite's flat door . Trembling, he opens it to four brutish KGB agents. "Are you Ivan Ivanich?" And from the terrified man's mouth issues the most beautiful words in the Soviet Union: "No, Ivan Ivanich lives in the flat upstairs."

[Joe Allison, Dallas County, Texas, USA]

An unflushed defecation amazingly
appears to have the image of
Comrade Stalin's face.
A Party official is told to
preserve it until it is
decided where it is to be
displayed.
The Party's most brilliant brain-
stormer says:
"Contact the British Embassy."
Other Party officials ask why.
Brain-stormer: "To maintain the
proper ambiance, it must be
displayed in the Tate Modern."

[sun]

good is it. cant say that, have to think about them...

[Paul M]

Reluctantly the communist party had to agree to remove the image of Nicolae Ceauşescu from all the postage stamps in Romania. The reason given was that the stamps kept falling off letters.
Why? Because people were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Mr. Scratch]

What has 200 pair of feet and eats potatoes? The queue outside a Moscow butcher shop.

(This one is a bit obscure, but any Russian will laugh):
Four Russian violinists have travelled to France for a international violin music festival. While there, one of them had the honor of playing his set on a Stradivarius loaned to him by the hosts. At dinner, he regaled his three travelling companions about his experience with the finest violin he'd ever handled. One of them shrugged, and said "So whats the big deal? It is just a violin?" The others looked at him for a moment, until the first violinist explained "well, imagine for a moment you were permitted to fire Felix Dzerzhinsky's own pistol..."

[Romans Seja]

Brezhnev was piloting a plane of officials when he ordered them to climb out and hold onto the wings to stabilize the plane. When the plane stabilized he pronounced the fact and all the officials then clapped furiously.

[Scott]

First heard this in the late-70s':-

Q. What's the definition of a string quartet?

A. A Russian symphony orchestra after a tour of the West.

[Ariel]

Lenin, Stalin and Khrushchev are traveling together in a train, when it suddenly stops. The workers inform that there are no more tracks ahead, and the journey cannot continue.

Lenin suggests that all employers and passangers should join hands and remove the tracks behind the train and put them ahead, and that way the train can advance.

Stalin suggests to find the people responsible for the missing tracks an shoot them.

Khrushchev says that both Lenin and Stalin got it all wrong, and that they should just close the train's curtains, make the employees to shake it, and pretend they are all still going ahead.

[Arthur]

What is the difference between the German Democratic Republic and a theatre? In the theatre there is an emergency exit!

[Joe Payne]

As it was Mao and not Stalin that had the purge against interlectuals a better version of no.4 is...
How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb? 3. 1 to hold the ladder,1 to change the bulb and 1 to watch the two dangerous interlectuals

[Chris Thorpe]

Favourite Soviet era joke:

What is three hundred metres long and eats potatoes?
The queue outside a Moscow butchers.

[Sid]

I'm pretty sure that's only nine.

[jim]

1)A Western reporter gets lost on the streets of East Berlin. He sees two soldiers standing on the corner. He goes up to them and asks in German for directions to his hotel. They say nothing. He reflects that they might be Russian, so he asks in Russian. No response. He realizes that they could be Polish. He has a little Polish, so he tries that. No reply. He figures he might as well ask in English. Still nothing. He walks away. When he's a block away, one soldier turns to the other and says, "That guy was really smart.He spoke four languages." The other soldier shrugs and says, "What good did it do him?"

2)An American is being given a tour of the Moscow subway. The tour guide is bragging about how clean it is, how safe, how unlike the New York subway with all the filth and the rats, and after a while the American says, "Yes, it's very nice, but we've been down here for fifteen minutes and there haven't been any trains." The Russian responds, "What about the Indians?"

[Redz]

One day, Stalin misplaced his pipe and, after a long thorough search, decides some had stolen it. He summons a guard to find it. After some time he accidentally came upon his pipe and notified the guard to drop the matter.
‘We can’t’, the latter explained, ‘we have arrested ten suspects.’
‘Release them’, ordered Stalin.
‘We can’t’, the guard explained, ‘They have all confessed.’

[Henry Bowman]

Workers are waiting at a bus stop near the American Embassy. They watch diplomatic cars arrive -- first a Lada, then a Cadillac. One man nudges another and says, "Wouldn't you like to have one of those for your very own?" The other man replies, "I would surely enjoy owning a Lada." The first man snorts: "The Lada? You certainly don't know anything about automobiles!" "I know my automobiles," replies the second man, "but I don't know you."

[Adam Hunt]

Now let's have some jokes about Islam!

[Alan]

What's a hundred metres long and eats cabbage? A Prague meat queue.

[Joe Allison, Dallas County, Texas, USA]

Will the prize book Hammer and Tickle also be available for the public to purchase? I would like to have a copy of my own.

[Corin Keiler-Lloyd]

I don't get the Western Watch joke. I was given a Wostok when I was eight. It was the best watch I ever had until it was stolen. My current one, an automatic Seiko, loses a minute every day, despite regular maintenance.

[Michael Murtough]

Philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, only there is no cat.
Marxist-Leninist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, only there is no cat but every now and again you shout "I've got it, I've got it."

[Ulises Uno]

This one was popular in Czechoslovakia in the late 80s.

A worker asks another:
-Do you know what's the difference between capitalism and communism? In capitalism, the man exploits the man.
-And in communism?
-It's exactly the other way around.

[ken wortelhock]

When Bulganin & Kruschev visited UK in 1956 they looked around a factory.
Talking to the workers, they asked what hours they worked : "We start at 8am, have an hour for dinner & leave at 5pm."
"But, in Russia, we start at 6am, no break, & leave at 6pm,"
"You won't get them to do that here, mate" said the foreman, "they're all bleeding Communists!"

[Jan Hargreaves]

i only see nine jokes. is the tenth subliminal?

[DFAvJ]

Another one...
Thousands of rabbits start streaming across the border from the Soviet Union to Rumania. The Rumanian border guards are flabbergasted. Finally, one picks up a rabbit by its ears and asks: What's going on here? The rabbit says: The KGB started to persecute camels. Border guard: You are not a camel. Rabbit: Well, YOU explain that to the KGB.

[Dr. Johnny]

Comrades, what is the intermediary step between Socialism and Communism? It's Alcoholism.

[Srephanie Clague]

I know a great marxist joke and his name is David Milliband!

[Nite Owl]

Two friends are walking down the street when one turns to the other and says, Did you hear, Yuri has died? Died says his friend, I didn't even know he'd been arrested

[Tina, Germany]

‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.

I shan't bother to read on. It's looking at grammar mistakes like this one that has made me unsure of my own English. This is something that has not happened since I first began to write in primary school where grammar and spelling were actually taught.

[Tim]

An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.

There is a menacing banging on the door.

‘Whose there?’ the old man asks.

‘Death ‘comes the reply.

‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought Yeltsin had sold off my dacha to the liberal mafia before he'd even finish starving, freezing, medically-neglecting, and alcohol-poisoning me and a few million other Russians in the countryside to death with zero Western media coverage'.

[Eddy Verhaeghe]

Making a walk through Saint Petersburg a Russian friend pointed at what he called the tallest building of his city. Seing the surprise on my face, as the building was rather big but really not that tall, he explained : this used to be the KGB-headquarters and in the old times one could see Siberia from its cellars.

[Atilla Lévay]

Great book. Here is a joke from Hungary in the fifties.
The Judges in a „Law” Court are having a coffee break. One of them sitting alone at a table suddenly bursts out laughing. The others look at him questioningly, and he explains: „My friends, I just heard the best political joke in my life, but unfortunately I can’t tell it to you, because I just gave someone three years for it.”

[Jonathan L]

Abu Shukri is driving his car through Damascus one day when a large black sedan with shaded windows bangs into him knocking off a pice of his car. Abu Shukri gets out and starts swearing "you idiot!". The black sedan's window winds down a few inches and a hand emerges giving him a card with a phone number, the sedan then drives off.
Abu Shukri goes home, still fuming, and that evening he calls the number: "you ****ing moron, why don't you take driving lessons?".
An icy voice on the other end says "Do you know who I am?", "No" says Abu Shukri, "I am Hafez El-Assad" (President of Syria). There is a pause, then Abu Shukri shouts down the phone "And do you know WHO I AM?" "No" says the voice.
"Allah be praised!" says Abu Shukri and slams the phone down.

[David]

A telegram was sent from Czeckoslovakia to the Kremlin with a request to help in setting up a naval ministry. The Kremlin was bewildered by this request as Czeckoslovakia was landlocked so why do they need a naval ministry. So the Kremlin asks the Czeckoslovians: Comrades, why do you need a naval ministry? You people don't have any seas or oceans bordering your country! The reply: Comrades, we need this ministry, after all you people have a ministry for culture!

[AndyPeezed]

Recalled from a kids' TV show in the seventies:

An inquisitive Soviet worker stops an English tourist in Red Square.
"So tell me," he demands, "what's it really like in the west?"
The tourist thinks for a moment then shrugs. "It's okay. You know, can't complain."
This surprises the worker. "Then it's just like over here. Can't complain either."

[Alex Ulko]

Indira Ghandi pays an official visit to Moscow and is greeted by Brezhnev who begins his welcoming speech reading from a paper in his hand.
'My dear Mrs Thatcher...' he begins. A worried aide whispers: 'Comrade Brezhnev, it's Ghandi!' Brezhnev whispers back: 'I know, you fool, but the paper says "Thatcher".

And another one along the same lines.

Moscow 1980, the opening ceremony of the Olympiad begins and Brezhev reads his opening speech.
- Oh!, he says, Oh. Oh!...
A worried aide whispers in his ear: - Comarade Brezhnev, it's Olympic rings, the speech is a bit lower.

These wre popular in the early 80s, I think all over the USSR.

[Nick M]

I can't resist adding this one I heard in the 70s.
An Englishmen, a Frenchman and a Russian are drinking together in a pub.
The Englishman says "You know what my idea of paradise is? Sitting in my armchair after a hard day's work, and my wife brings me my whiskey, pipe and slippers."
The Frenchmen says "You English are so cold! Paradise is making love with the world's most beautiful woman for the whole night."
The Russian says "You're both wrong! True paradise is when the KGB bang at your door at 3 in the morning, you open it, and they say 'Ivan Ivanovitch, you're under arrest' and you can say 'Sorry, but Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'."

[MIKE in NYC]

Bunch of Russians are sitting in a bar. One of them, pretty drunk, mouths off, "Communists are assholes."

Comes a voice from the other end of the bar, "Hey, I resent that."

"Why" asks the first guy, "are you a communist?"

"No", comes the retort, "I'm an asshole."

[Dennis Berger]

1. From the Fifties: A race was held between an American Ford and a Russian Moskovitch. The race is reported by Pravda as: the Russian car came in second, the American car came in next to last.
2. A Russian railway worker retires and is given a special pass that will get him to bypass the long lines at the railroad station. He shows up one day to take a journey and is directed to a long line. He asks "What is that line?" and is told that that is the line for people with the special pass.
3. A Russian peasant finds a bottle with a genie in it who says he will grant the peasant one wish. The peasant says: "Kill my neighbor's mule".

[bob]

An old Russian is standing in the queue waiting to buy some bread when they run out.

He exclaims how terrible things are, attracting worried glances from fellow shoppers.

A man in a long coat tells the old man that he should be more careful. "In the old days old man you could be shot for saying things like that".

The old man then crys:

"It's worse than I thought, now we don't even have any bullets left".

[Bob Murphy]

It's Czechoslokia in 1968 after the Soviets invaded to put an end to the Dubcek Regime and their Prague Spring.
A Czech calls the police on the phone and says, "Two Swiss soldiers just stole my Russian watch."
The policeman says, "You mean two Russian soldiers just stole your Swiss watch?"
"You said it not me," the Czech citizen replies.

[Doug. Rolph]

A man walking along a Moscow street, stops in front of a shop with a large plate-glass window. All the shelves are empty, but there's babuschka at the far end. Vodka has made him a bit talkative, so he walks in.
"Comrade" he says to babuschka, "I see that today you have no meat"

"Comrade, you are wrong! This is a fishmongers, and today we have no fish. Next door is the butcher's which has no meat"

[Doug. Rolph]

"No. 7" by Mark is pretty good, but there is a DDR variation- not a joke, but fact.
The waiting list for a car in DDR was 13, yes 13 years, and when you were informed that your car was ready for collection, you paid CASH!
This told me in 1968, by my wife's uncle, (now deceased) who lived in Berlin-Pankow

DDR also had a fine education system.

Children were taught to read.
Children were taught to write,
Then they were taught WHAT they could read. and WHAT they could write.

[Lourenço]

Two KGB agents:
- What do you think of comrade Krouchev?
- The same as you...
- You're under arrest!

[Vasily]

None of these jokes is funny. Stupid western standard jokes. Hollywood style.

[Jim Lapsley]

Here is my favorite:

It is the time of Glasnost and the Soviet state is showing a kinder, gentler face. But, still there are shortages. An old man and his wife are waiting patiently in line to get into a store to buy a half kilo of meat when the store manager comes out and tells the line "we are out of meat--go home."

The old man goes ballistic and starts screaming to anyone who will listen: " "Is this what we have suffered for? Is this the communist dream? I fought valiantly and hard in the war for the Motherland, expecting that we would be building a socialist state. I didn't complain. After the war we had shortages, but I worked hard, expecting improvements. And now, after 50 years, we can't supply meat to the citizens! The Soviet Union is an utter failure!"

A big plain clothes policeman comes up to him, pulls him away from the others, and cautions him to calm down.

"You say there are no improvements in our society" he whispers to the old man. "But we have evolved. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like this under Stalin." And he make his hand into a gun and pretends to shoot the old man.

The old man walks back to his wife who asks what the policeman had told him.

"It is worse than we feared. The government is out of bullets."

[Pavel, Russia]

What I can say that none of these jokes is know in modern Russia, neither it was known in Soviet times.
Because of heavy mentioning of Jews suffering, I suggest these jokes was come by some Jews migrated from USSR to West.

Jokes of type "Why .... because ..." are not natively used in Russia.

Anyway, some of this jokes have similar ideas with Russian jokes about Party, KGB, Stalin etc.

[DensityDuck]

An American Army colonel and a Russian Army general are bragging about how great their respective services are.

"In Russia," says the general, "we feed our men one thousand calories every day!"

"In America," replies the colonel, "we feed our men THREE thousand calories every day!"

"Nonsense!" exclaims the Russian. "Nobody can eat an entire sack of potatoes in twenty-four hours!"

*******

An old Polish man finds a magic bottle, and a genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The man thinks for a second and then says "I want Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde to return from the grave and sack Warsaw, and then return home!" The genie agrees; undead warriors shall rise from the dust in Mongolia and make their way to Warsaw, raping and pillaging as they go, and when they reach the city the slaughter will be terrible.

The man thinks, and says "for my second wish, I want Genghis Khan to sack Krakow, then go back to Mongolia!" The genie says that this will happen; not one stone shall be left upon another, only pyramids of skulls will remain.

The man says "for my third wish, I want Genghis Khan to sack Lodz, and then return to Mongolia!"

The genie finally asks, "why do you want Genghis Khan to keep attacking your country?"

The man replies, "because he will pass through Russia SIX TIMES!"

[Mike]

Three businessmen are rounded up and hauled before a Soviet Tribunal.

The Prosecutor brings the first man before the Judge, and says: 'Your Honor! This man is running a business and he makes a profit!'

The Judge immediately replies: 'Aha! A Capitalist! Five years in the Gulag!'

Pleased with this outcome, the Prosecutor brings the second man before the Judge, and says: 'Your Honor! This man is running a business and he is losing money!'

The Judge has to think about this a few minutes, but he soon replies: 'Well then! A Wrecker of the Soviet Economy! Ten years in the Gulag!'

The Prosecutor feels he is on a roll, so he brings the third man before the Judge, and says: 'Your Honor! This man is running a business, but he is breaking even, without a profit or a loss!'

The Judge seems perplexed, and has to think about this for a long while. After some deep deliberation, he announces: 'I sentence you to fifteen years in the Gulag for delaying the course of Soviet Justice!'

[Mark Mackworth-Praed]

The Commissar visits the collective farm in the 1920's, and asks the farm manager "Comrade, tell me, how is the potato crop?" The manager replies "Comrade Commissar, the potato crop is marvellous. If we put all the potatoes we have into a big pile, it would reach up to the feet of God." The Commissar, shocked, says "But Comrade, you must know that since the Revolution, there is no God." The farm manager replies: "It's funny you should say that, Comrade. There aren't any bloody potatoes either."

[James Chen]

A man goes up to a store clerk in Moscow and asks for a kilogram of beef, half a kilogram of butter, and a quarter kilogram of coffee. "We're all out," the clerk says, and the man leaves. Another man, observing this incident, says to the clerk, "That old man must be crazy." The clerk replies, "Yeah, but what a memory!"

[Mark Mackworth-Praed]

A sociologist as an experiment puts two men and one woman of four different nationalities on four desert islands, and comes back after 6 months to find out how they've got on. He comes to the English island, and finds the three sitting on the beach exactly where he left them. On asking why, one of the men says nervously "Well, you didn't actually introduce us." He goes to the Italian island, and finds the woman sitting all alone on the beach. She explains: "The two guys, they kill each other fighting over me, so I am left all alone." He goes to the French island, and finds one of the men tending a beautifully-kept vegetable garden outside a pretty cottage. The Frenchman explains: "Well, for 2 weeks I go off with the woman into the forest, and he does the garden, then for 2 weeks, he goes off with the woman, and I do the garden." The sociologist finally gets to the Russian island, and finds the two men sitting at either end of a long table covered in green cloth, making long boring speeches to each other. "Where is the woman?" he asks. One of the men turns to him and says "Comrade, the masses are in the fields, working."

[Serge]

American and Russian are discussing freedom of speech in their countries.
American says: We are free to say anything we think! I can stay on a central square of a city and criticize US.
Well, I can do that too - Russian replies.

[Serge]

Is it communism already or it will get worse?

[paul wheble]

A Bulgarian goes to park his bicycle in central Sofia. Two cops come up to him and say, 'you can't leave your bike there, there's a soviet trade delegation coming'.

'That's Ok', says the man, 'I'll lock it up'.

[Old git Tom]

A gas! The Evil Communist Empire promised to end world poverty, yet one half of humanity starved. Then came the Reagan-Thatcher Capitalist Revolution, promising prosperity to all. Now, half of humanity - - er - - anyone know a funny punchline?

[...got the t-shirt...]

A plumber in only 3 years!? Can I have his number please?

[Alexey]

Most of jokes in the article are really tasteless. Therefore they were unknown in Soviet Russia. Looks like they were made by the western journalists to please Russia-haters. But among the jokes posted in the comments, there are some original Russian ones, like that posted by: paul wheble, Mark Mackworth-Praed, James Chen, Nick M, Alex Ulko, DFAvJ, Michael Murtough, Ariel, Mr. Scratch, wilson, Andrzej Monka, john newbery, john newbery

[Brian]

Alexey,

Lighten up. They're not "Russia haters", they (and I) are Communist haters.

Big difference.

[Jack Olson]

Brezhnev went to Paris on a trade mission. While he was there, his hosts took him to a strip show. A Western businessman bragged to him, "Of course, Communism could never produce anything like this."

I'll show you a thing or two, thought Brezhnev. He turned to an aide and said in Russian, "Next month, I want you to open the world's finest strip club. Spare no expense but hire only longtime Party members of proven loyalty. Understand?"

"I'll see to it at once, Comrade Secretary!" Next month, the world's first all-Communist strip joint opened on Red Square. The first night it was packed. The next nigh, half empty. The next night, no audience at all.

Brezhnev angrily demanded, "What went wrong? Wasn't the food any good?"

"It can't be the food, Comrade Secretary. We hired the best Ukrainian chefs and they've all be loyal Party members since 1954.'

"What about the service?"

"It can't be the waiters, sir. All the waiters have been loyal Party members since 1948."

"Well, maybe it's the strippers."

"It can't be the strippers, sir. They've all been loyal Party members since 1929."

[Benjamin]

In Russia joke tells you

[Paul Canniff]

Here are a couple I picked up in the USSR:

Gorbachev and his colleagues find themselves stymied trying to unite Russians behind perestroika. One of them mentions the tale that the spirits of the dead can be contacted through a night séance on the Sea of Azov. They decide to try it and seek the wisdom of past leaders.

Out in the boat, Gorbachev yells into the darkness, “Great leaders of Russia, come forth and give us your wisdom”. At the bow a face materializes: it is Josef Stalin.

Somewhat shaken, Gorbachev continues. “Uh, Father Stalin, Russia is in chaos. How can we unite our people for the greater goal?”

Stalin replies, “First, you must arrest and execute one out of every ten people. Then you must paint Sheremetyevo Airport bright yellow.
Gorbachev look around to his equally bewildered comrades and says “Why the hell would we paint the airport?!”

Says Stalin, “Ah, good, you learn quickly!”

...........

Lenin, Stalin and Marx board a train in Moscow bound for Kiev that is scheduled to depart at 10 AM. At 10:05 Lenin says, “What is this?! I’ll get the train moving!” So Lenin goes forward and kills the engineer and the conductor. Returning to the compartment, he says, “Now we’ll start moving.”

10:10 and the train is still. Stalin says, “Ha, I’ll get us moving!” So Stalin steps out of the carriage, kills half of the people in the station and gets back onboard, where he boasts, “There, we’ll be moving now!”

At 10:15 Marx looks at the fuming Lenin and Stalin, gets up and pulls down the shade over the window. He says, “Don’t you see, comrades? The train is indeed moving!”

[Larissa]

Russian people are the best in the world, and you are just envious, of limited understanding and totally politically incorrect!