Rules for Restaurants - open to your submissions

Over at the New York Times, Bruce Buschel is putting together a rule book for staff at the new restaurant that he’s building.

There are some gems:

Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?”

Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.

Do not inject your personal favourites when explaining the specials.

Actually, I’m not sure about that last one. If I’ve gone out to make an event of a meal, I want the waiter to share the sense of occasion, of celebration.

On the other hand, I really, REALLY don’t want her to use my captivity to make a new best friend. I have come to this restaurant with a friend. Not to make a new one.

There are tonnes more. The waiter who tries to pre-empt your order of tap water by pompously insinuating that you don’t really want to be that uncouth and embarrass the both of you. 

The waiter who calls you “mate”? Really? How long have we known each other, four minutes?

That last one is a specifically British problem and, actually, I suspect that British restaurants breed subtly different bad habits to those of their transatlantic counterparts.

So, as of now, Comment Central is open to submissions for inclusion in The Ultimate Rulebook for British Restaurants.

You know you’ve got ideas. Send them. Vent your anger.