 The silly season is inaptly named. If only the media was full of silly stories it would at least be entertaining. No, the problem is banal stories whose appearance is simply baffling
So let's have an August competition.
What is the most banal story you can find? Post a link in comments or email me on commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk
Here are five I've found:
1. A piece of Lego has been fished out of the sea
2. A flagpole has fallen down
3. A toilet is out of order in Florida
4. A wife threw her husband out on the street 5 years ago
5. A postman has been stung by a wasp
 Time to finish a competition. I asked Comment Central readers to update Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire. You responded magnificently, as I knew you would.
In most cases this magnificent response was to ignore my competition and get on with more important things.
But in the case of the gallant and splendidly named Rush Montgomerie III, magnificence took the form of this fine winning entry: Operation Desert Storm, Yeltsin ends the Cold War.
Warsaw Pact, Schindler’s List, the World Trade Center bombed.
Siege at Waco, Palestinians, banking scandals, O.J Simpson,
Rodney King asks everyone “Can’t we all get along?”
Mad Cow in the beef, Dolly is the first clone sheep,
Taliban’s Afghanistan, earthquake hits Kobe Japan.
Martha Stewart, Panama, Valdez spills the Exxon,
Chechnya and Sarajevo, Contras in Iran.
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Rwandan genocide, Northern Ireland ceasefire,
Mandela, Tonya Harding, Million Man March.
Tim McVey, Ross Perot, Netanyahu, Bob Dole,
John Paul the Second, Yitzhak Rabin, death of Rosa Parks.
Internet, dot com, William Clinton, Enron,
Hale-Bopp, Albright, Heaven’s Gate suicide,
Tiger Woods, Elian Gonzales, Columbine, Melissa virus,
Monica Lewinsky makes Bill Clinton wanna hide.
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
George Bush Jr., Al Gore, Tiger Woods, Kevorkian,
Vlad Putin, Anthrax, 9/11 attacks.
Taliban is back again, Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan,
Kenneth Lay, IRA, Versace gets whacked.
Weapons of mass destruction, Iraq claiming nuke production,
Saddam Hussein, caught and hanged, what else do I have to say?
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Rumsfeld, Schwarzenegger, Iran, Hurricane Katrina,
Trent Lott, Tom DeLay, Cheney blows his friend away.
American Idol, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, Lindsay Lohan,
Guantanamo, YouTube, AIDS, SARS, Bird flu.
U.S. forces on the shores, Iraq’s under martial law
Another flick by Michael Moore, I can't take it anymore!
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
What does he win?
This album - Remember: A Military Appreciation Project by The Right Brothers. Here they are singing Bush Was Right
Words may not have failed Rush Montgomery III, but they sure as hell fail me.
Here's your chance to perform a service to mankind. We're going to help create a nicer, more civilised society. Sort of.
Between us we are going to draw up a comprehensive list of anti-social behaviour. Not big things - murder, rape, impolite use of chemical weapons - but the small and medium sized things that make life just that bit more irritating.
I agree that this won't, of itself, make the world a better place, but a list will be a start. It will be help to get it all off our chest, for instance.
David Aaronovitch got us off to a good start this morning with this list: 1. Shoes on seats
2. Queue jumping
3. Red light jumping
4. Street spitting
5. White-van woman-baiting (“nice pair, luv!”)
6. Blatant littering
7. Young men and women not surrendering their seats for the old, infirm or pregnant
8. Incredibly loudly played music on car stereos
9. T-shirts with swear words on them
10. People who don’t acknowledge you when you have held the door open for them, made way for their car or in some other way shown them courtesy
To which I'd like to add - talking loudly on a mobile phone so that the whole carriage is forced to listen, making long speeches when called to ask a short question at a meeting, making "jocular" remarks to people about their weight (in particular saying "you're looking prosperous"), putting people on round robin email lists without their permission.
Your turn now. Remember we need a comprehensive list. But you only need to add one or two.
Place your contribution on comments or email me on commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk.
UPDATE: After a deluge of suggestions - we have a new, improved list here.
 It is time, indeed long past time, to update Billy Joel's classic song We Didn't Start The Fire.
I have no idea why anyone accused Mr Joel and his friends of starting a fire and am willing to accept his protestations that he is not guilty. He is, I am sure, an Innocent Man.
But I don't think we can allow this song to end in 1989 with Tiananmen Square.
A Comment Central prize to the best update adding names and events from the past 18 years.
To help you here are the lyrics so far: Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
Rosenbergs, H Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, The King And I, and The Catcher In The Rye
Eisenhower, Vaccine, England's got a new queen
Maciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, Dancron
Dien Bien Phu Falls, Rock Around the Clock
Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the Suez
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Bridge On The River Kwai
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkwether, Homicide, Children of Thalidomide
Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, Space Monkey, Mafia
Hula Hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
U2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Hemingway, Eichman, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion
Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex
J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan
Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Wikipedia helpfully provides a guide to the events and people named in We Didn't Start the Fire
And here is Mr Joel singing the pre-Comment Central version: If you are too shy to post your lyrics here, you can send them to me on commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk.
The competition for the C.Wright Mills Award is off to a flying start. Cristiano Ronaldo's full name is Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro. Ronaldo is a fairly rare name in Portugal, apparently. So why did his parents choose it?
His sister Catia explains it thus: Ronald Reagan was always in the news at the time he was born and my Dad thought the name sounded a bit different.
Yes, it's true. The Manchester United winger is named after President Reagan.
(Hat Tip: Janan Ganesh)
When the interview with Labour leadership contender Cabinet minister David Miliband appeared in The Times this weekend I learned for the first time of his middle name - he is David Wright Miliband.
This is speculation on my part, but I think that means that David was named after the Marxist sociologist C.Wright Mills. Mills died in 1962, provoking from David's father Ralph an article beginning with these words: I mourn the death of C. Wright Mills, bitterly and personally. We had, in the last five years of his life, become close friends.
Just a guess, but I bet I am correct. And it leads me to a new Comment Central competition.
If you or anyone you know has been named after a political figure of any kind, I want to hear from you. Obviously the more obscure or incongruous the better.
You'll have to work hard to beat a Blairite cabinet minister named after an only-familiar-to-intellectuals Marxist author but I have faith. I know you can do it.
UPDATE: An entry: Cristiano Ronaldo named after Ronald Reagan. No word of a lie.
This is a nomination by Graeme Archer. He writes: If you ignore the clearly intended irony, Pet Shop Boys's Let's Make Lots Of Money might make it into an 80's compilation, perhaps in a doubly-ironic uber-cool fashion? i.e. you were mocking us, but we won, so now we sing your mocking song in celebration of the defeat of socialism. It made my teenage body bounce around the living room in sheer giddy optimistic joy anyway, which is a far sight from the gloomfest of the Coldplay-U2 axis we are now lumbered with.
Hmm, not sure I buy it. But it's a great song.
Our search for centre right songs and rockers continues with this excellent entry: Taxman by George Harrison.
The video below is Harrison performing the song with Eric Clapton.
Have you got any better suggestions?
The search for centre-right artists songs goes on. Thank you to Dave who has nominated Rock the Casbah.
It's a fantastic response to the ban on rock music by the Ayatollah Khomeni.
I rather like the idea of suborning The Clash. I am not sure what Joe Strummer would have thought about being included in my centre-right list. But who cares.
The video is a bit strange, but the song is fantastic.
Not so long ago, I complained at the predictability of pop star politics. Where, I asked, are all the centre right rock stars? Where are all the moderate, but still trenchant, lyrics calling for neo-con foreign policy? Where are the hymns to stability, family life, the middle class and suburbs? Where the chorus line with a great hook arguing for evolutionary change?
What I got back was - you've forgotten about Ted Nugent. I was not overwhelmed with this response. Neither his politics (too rabid), nor his music, quite takes the prize.
It's time for the wisdom of crowds to set to work.
I want nominations of centre-right singers and centre-right songs. I'll not be too picky. The centre-right singers may be singing non-political songs, and the centre-right songs may come from people with non centre-right politics who happen to have written a sound song by accident. You get the idea?
My first nomination is The Who singing "Won't Get Fooled Again", a fantastic attack on revolutionary politics, which you can watch below if you want.
I will be creating a centre-right iTunes playlist of the best suggestions and will burn a CD of this playlist for the person who provides the best item for it, along with the best argument for its inclusion.
For those who prefer not to post comments, you can send me an email on commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk.
Lots of good entries to the Florence Nightingale award. When asked the best (most ridiculous/famous/notorious) person you have shaken hands with at one removed, Chris gave us this: Ted Heath gets me Saddam Hussein and Hermann Goering
But the winner is Frank Upton: I shook hands with Dr Ian Paisley, who has shaken hands with God
His prize is a fabulous, you have to see it to believe it, Tom Vilsack for President in 2008 thong.
I am also calling closing time on the Tim Hames middle name ballot. The Times columnist will shortly change his name by deed poll to Timothy Cromwell Hames. Thank you to all those who took part.
 I decided this weekend that it was time to finish the outstanding Comment Central competitions so that I could start some new ones.
The Chomsky Prize produced a large number of amusing entries. My favourite came from defenders of the great linguist, incandescent at my Chomsky rule: Never read a book or watch a film that has been recommended by Noam Chomsky
Their fury was hilarious. I don't think this was the intention.
I also thought London Jag's advice was useful: Never bet on a party that has Danny Finkelstein as an adviser.
But I think most Comment Central reader's will appreciate this from Doctor Syn: Never mix alcohol and eBay
Dr Syn duly wins Joel Bakan's The Corporation which carries on its cover an endorsement from Noam Chomsky. He regards it as a "fine book".
It is time.
Time to give Tim Hames a new middle name.
Mr Hames, obviously having ingested too much Tabasco and ink, is offering Comment Central readers the chance to pick a middle name for him by ballot.
From an extensive list, Tim has selected 3 names suggested by readers. Now you have the chance to vote on the final one.
So, the names to choose from are...
Email us at commentcentral@thetimes.co.uk with your vote.
 Talk about anchoring.
Every person of whom I've asked this question: Between 1973 and 2002 what proportion of Iraqi conventional arms came from the United States and what proportion from the United Kingdom?
has given me a wildly incorrect answer.
But once I turned into the Comment Central Nick Cohen Competition and asked people to post their answers, everyone either got it exactly right or nearly right.
 Why? Because once the first answer was in, everyone was anchored to the low figure. Either that or they used the internet.
Anyway, the answer is that 0.46 per cent of the total came from the US, 0.18 per cent came from the UK. The majority of weapons were imported from 57.26 per cent.
More Iraqi weapons came from Denmark than from America.
A copy of Cohen's book is on its way to Ismael Klata.
 I don't know about you, but I find that in life it is useful to have a few rules. Rules save time and enhance existence.
Here are a few I have found invaluable:
- Never order the fish.
- There's always enough to make a mess. This is also known as Finkelstein's law of Empty Containers, after my mother who established it. Take an apparently empty can and turn it upside down. there, told you.
- Never read a book or watch a film that has been recommended by Noam Chomsky. Try this. I promise you it's a real winner.
Now I am looking for new rules for readers to live their life by. What's your suggestion?
There will be a fabulous Comment Central prize for the winner. Last time someone won a signed picture of the former British Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon. You don't want to let a prize like that elude your grasp. So get posting.
 Nick Cohen's book What's Left is published today. I am half way through and so far it is extremely good - passionate and insightful.
It is also full of interesting facts and to celebrate publication I thought I'd run a competition.
Between 1973 and 2002 what proportion of Iraqi conventional arms came from the United States and what proportion from the United Kingdom?
The person who gets the closest when I add their two figures together will win a copy of Cohen's book, provided they are within 5 per cent of the correct total answer.
Daniel Finkelstein
is Comment Editor of The Times and writes a weekly column. Comment Central is his rolling guide to the best opinion on the web. Click
here for more information on the blog. Robbie Millen, the Deputy Comment Editor, will also be posting.
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