Barton and the Eye of the Beholder

They say history is written by the winners. Perhaps they should update the old saw: these days, history can be bashed out by just about anyone with a laptop and Wi-Fi.

In the world of association football, however, one man is given the responsibility – nay, the honour – to write the rights and wrongs as he sees fit. Upon one pair of narrow shoulders is thrust the terrible onus of recording everything of note within those tension-packed 90 minutes plus injury. Dixon of Dock Green (and his famous notebook) never had this sort of pressure. 

Like many of us, I have a certain amount of sympathy for the Men In Black. Essentially, they’re operating as a rent-an-authority-figure to some of the world’s richest teenagers. Weekly, they’re bulged at by Terry, harangued by Gerrard, or forced to watch the top of Fabregas’ fuzzy little head bouncing up and down in frustration. Afterwards, they’re abused by Bruce, sneered at by Ferguson, and finally chuckled about by a bunch of M&S-clad fast- and frozen-food mongers on Match of the Day. I don’t know what they earn, but it should probably be more than it is. Depending entirely on whether they earn more than me, of course.

Being men, and therefore weak fallible carbon-based lifeforms, it is in their nature to cock things up. Before we all shout and spit and complain that it’s their job, I’ll happily stand here – hand on heart – and admit that I’m pretty good at what I do… and I make a cock of it all the time. We all do. Look at Formula One. You’re given sums measureless to man to build a racing team. You hire a pair of personality voids and clothe them in shiny fireproof posters for tires and cigarettes. You fly a hundred people out to Monaco, the lights go green, and then the gearbox refuses to get out of second. It happens all the time.

So yes, ok, sometimes referees don’t see things, like a bleeding obvious penalty or a flagrant dive, or even the little matter of a ball crossing a line. And I also have a certain amount of sympathy with those who argue that video replays will damage the game. Yes, it certainly does work for American Football and rugby and all those other egg-related sports. It works perfectly, because in the average game of American Football you get 30 seconds worth of action for every 75 TV adverts, and after every play the entire team has to go and get changed and have a shiatsu and be injected with growth hormone. And as far as rugby is concerned, the whole sport is just so relentless and breathless and gosh-darn gritty that we’re all quite grateful for a breather after 20 minutes, thanks very much. We probably needed to fetch another can of John Smiths anyway.

In-game video is one thing. Post-game video is quite another. Every top club in England uses ProZone, or something similar, to analyse and tweak the players’ performance after a match. For those that haven’t heard of it, ProZone is a big clever computer linked to lots of cameras installed around the ground. If I’m a smart cookie of a modern manager, I can look at all the telemetry (if that’s the word) of my team once the match is done. How many yards did Lampard cover? How many shankers did Stevie G put into the Kop? So if I can find out all this info, why is it that the FA can’t punish Joey Barton for trying to take Dickson Etuhu’s testicles off with his heel in the Tyneside derby last weekend?      

Yes, I’ve finally reached my point. I searched through the reports from the Fanzone Tyneside correspondents to see their take on the incident, and found no mention, so perhaps I’ve exaggerated this little spat in my head to the point where I’m the only one who cares. Am I? I think not. Michael Essien went in “studs up” on Leon Osman last Sunday. I was there… in fact, I was about the same distance from it as the referee, and it was a standard Essien bad tackle: poorly timed and with rather too much exuberance for his own good, especially when the young Ghanaian is put together the way Kevlar makes vests. And then I watched Match of the Day, and was treated to the sight of a supremely unpleasant ex-City player leaping 3 feet into the air to give himself enough height and purchase to stab his foot at the groin of a former team-mate. And, according to the FA, no action can be taken. Why? Because Martin Atkinson saw the incident at the time, but not well enough to realise what Barton was trying to do. And because the incident went unpunished during the game, the FA cannot now act to rectify Saturday’s injustice.

So… let me get this straight. The ref got it wrong at the time. Specifically because he got it wrong at the time we’re now unable, with the benefit of video evidence, to do anything about it.

I’m not sure what the FA can possibly do to make itself any more of a laughing stock but, in light of this admission, I have a few suggestions. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Commissioning a reality television show in which refereeing hopefuls are attacked with lengths of two-by-four by academy players from Premiership clubs. Viewers vote on chumminess of smile as the refs sink to the earth, consciousness fading and bruising contorting their jolly features.

Advertising for the next England Manager in the Agent Provocateur catalogue.

Offering Rugby World Cup-winning coach Sir Clive Woodward an advisory role. Both sports involve balls, after all, and it sure as **** worked for Southampton. Right? Right? Oh.

Comments

[John Dalton]

Gilbert are you for real?

[shazam]

is the above comment ironic because it just made me lol my pants.

[Josh]

Gilbert A. Phiri,

Please tell me you're joking. Barton happens to be a very liberal a*sehole. He'll fight anyone regardless of colour, creed and religion.

Josh

[Lee Montgomery]

And don't forget that the "tackle" that hospitalised Pompey's Mendez was revisited by the FA, despite the ref seeing it and making a judgement.

[Gilbert A. Phiri]

I see race as the issue here. It was a black man being savaged that is why all the white officials are not reacting! Including his own coach! I see you try to give an example of a black player - Essien as an aggressor to try and balance the unstated implications of the FA's pussy footing. This is really an attempt at obfuscating a glaring example of condoning violence against a black man!