West Ham bring lasers but no fireworks

In some ways, you can see a little microcosm of England over at Upton Park. Marvellous history. Statues and memories. Done sod-all for years and years and years.

Recent meetings with the Irons have, more or less, followed a set pattern. Both sides have a good old niggle at each other for a while; the game settles down into a sort of violent tedium; Chelsea win. Topping that list is, of course, the memorable encounter when Chelsea fans discovered exactly what that chunky waste of space Maniche was good for. The roly-poly midfielder was sent off a gnat’s breath into the East-West derby, with Chelsea down 1-0. Irons celebrated. Blues muttered. And then Mourinho’s Chelsea produced one of their rare afternoons of scintillating footie, eventually running out 4-1 winners. Heady stuff.

Nothing so brisk this Saturday, sadly, but the game did distinguish itself for a novel technique which was employed to try and stop the unstoppable: Didier Drogba. Fearing another rampant display from Big Dog, and with Upson and Gabbidon expected to reprise their homage to the slapstick greats of ‘30s Hollywood, a West Ham fan took it upon himself to bring a novelty laser into the ground to shine it into the eyes of our number 11 as he closed in on goal.

There’s something truly glorious about this sort of thing: true “out of the box” thinking. Or “out of the Christmas cracker”, which is probably more accurate. And it got us musing about how best to distract the League’s other leading scorers, assuming that the defence wasn’t up to the job.

First up, the over-gelled show pony. The Portuguese-speaking contingent at United have, considerately, made sure that we’re all well aware of their predilections for extra-curricular fun with ladies of loose morals and open purses. Wayne Rooney, of course, is said to favour the broiler rather than the spring chicken but, whichever way you like your cock, there’ a United striker to match your mood. Perhaps the most effective method might be to simply place 3 or 4 female generations of the same family immediately behind the goal. The girls can then all raise their tops on a preordained signal, flashing a clear message to the Red front line: Thou shalt not pass (but thou can score if thou rings my mobile after the game).

Liverpool’s captain is usually second only to our own Frank Lampard in terms of his prolific scoring, and this season is no exception: he’s already on 5 goals. But we all know what’s really turning Stevie’s head, and the advantage is that there are no end of Queen Liz 2 impersonators out there. Maybe Helen Mirren could be persuaded to dress up in the ermine, take a seat in the Kop, and then wave a plastic sword in the air in a “I dub thee Sir Stevie” sort of motion. Job done.

Nicolas Anelka gives the impression that clubs don’t really buy his services: they sort of lease him while he looks for another, more lucrative move. Either strip out all the seating at both ends and fill it with lush lawn (well, the grass is always greener… Yes, I know that’s a terrible joke, sue me) or build a lifesize model of his brother locked in a passionate embrace with Pini Zahavi. 

I’m running out of steam now, so I’ll fill in the last paragraph or so by smugly pointing out that I eschewed the obvious pie joke (Viduka), any reference to wanting to play for Madrid (Fabregas), or a rattle (most of the rest of Arsenal’s bench, but specifically Walcott).  Any other bright ideas? Let me know: that’s what the comments section is for. Well, that and abuse, obviously.

Comments

[Ryan matthws]

West ham a marvellous history? I didnt know having A few world up winners justifies a marvellous history! I say this as they have won one european cup winners cup and three f.a.cups!! I would love to see what superlatives Mr Gratton uses for say Liverpool, man utd and Arsenal!!

[DC]

Walcott scores goals???

[james barrett]

i agree, in the words of reeves and mortimor 'poor, very poor'

[David]

I don't suppose there's any way for the author of this piece to somehow return the two and a half minutes I spent reading this tripe is there? No... I don't suppose there is. How unfortunate.

[Tom Duncombe]

What a terrible piece, terrible.