Shameless meets The Wicker Man

The ecologists were right, the world is changing. The summers are getting shorter, it's science fact. It seems like only yesterday that we were getting unnecessarily baton charged by the Cleveland SS, sorry constabulary, at The Riverside yet our first competitive game (although I use that term in the loosest possible sense) is less than a week away. Where did all the time go?

This being Manchester City, it's been a fairly eventful pre-season. Our chairman is back in Thailand facing corruption charges, whilst some of our fans have seemingly become overnight experts in the intricacies of the Thai judicial system. Sven, of course, was unceremoniously dumped after a disappointing end to a season which had started with such promise, and has been replaced by Mark Hughes. My previous column was fiercely critical of the appointment, but I'm starting to warm to the man (admittedly it's only gone from sub-zero to tepid, but that's progress of sorts).

There's been a boardroom shuffle too, with St John Wardle and Chief Exec "Red Al" Mackintosh leaving the club, whilst Paul Tyrell has been conspicuous by his absence, somewhat ironic given that his job is Head of Communications. In their place come Garry (two R's, goddammit) Cook, having been headhunted from Nike, and 27 other members of the Shinawatra family, but we'll have no accusations of nepotism. OK?

Cook's appointment in particular has generated much excitement amongst City fans, which seems bizarre when you consider that he is, essentially, just another suit. In fairness to Cook, he has conducted himself fairly impressively in his dealings with the media thus far, although he is prone to the odd case of foot-in-mouth disease which affected previous incumbents. Francis Lee conducted his first AGM at Manchester Airport (as "this is where flights to Europe depart from"), whilst Peter Swales vowed to make us a bigger club than United. Cook, for his part, boldly stated that we "need to build a bigger trophy cabinet". As we've not won a trophy of any note for over thirty years, it would've sufficed just to say we need to build a trophy cabinet.

On the playing side we've seen the departure of the legendary Paul Dickov (proving that the old football adage that you should never go back is indeed true), the endearingly inept Sun Jihai and Emile Mpzena, who has joined up with the cast on the set of Predator 3.

The only arrival so far has been Jo, the Brazilian with a short name and large transfer fee. £19m seemed a little excessive for a largely unproven player with only one cap, but I'm not going to complain when we smash our transfer record for an exciting young South American (they have a reputation for being successful in the Premiership, right? Eh? Oh...). Jo's arrival means we now have 63 strikers in the squad, yet no out and out right wingers, with the exception of the Chairman. Arf.

Meanwhile, the on/off Ronaldinho saga coughs and splutters its way into another tedious week, but it seems likely that AC Milan will secure his services. There was a bizarre moment during negotiations where the Milan vice-chairman claimed that they couldn't compete financially with "the likes of Manchester City". The times they are a-changing. In true City tradition, some fans were typically dour about the prospect of signing a 28 year old, two time World Player of the Year. "Ronaldinho? What's he ever done?". Personally I'm disappointed that the deal looks dead, as it deprives me of the opportunity of seeing the buck-toothed genius lining up alongside "Deadly" Darius Vassell. There would've been a beautiful juxtaposition about it.

Next Thursday sees City travel to the Faroe Islands for a glamour tie against European giants EB/Streymur (the only team I can recall that have a forward slash in their name; if they're willing to defy all standard naming conventions with such casual abandon then we shouldn't underestimate them. They're clearly gung-ho mavericks). It's a notoriously difficult place to get to, not that that's deterred some. A group of City fans, to their eternal credit, have gone to the lengths of hiring their own trawler to get to the game (http://www.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=79344&start=0). Cue numerous nautical ditties, such as "City, we're on the ship again" and "Faroes, Faroes, we are the Trawler Boys".

The team are based in the rural village of Streymnes, population four hundred. Quite how they'll react to the invasion of 500 Mancunian pissheads remains to be seen. It'd make for a fascinating sociological experiment. I'm surprised Channel 4 aren't there. I imagine it'd be like an episode of Shameless meets The Wicker Man, although a recent relaxation of the local drinking laws means they're a boisterous drunken lot apparently. Maybe the culture clash won't be so marked.

The game will see the first appearance in the latest bastardisation of a kit. Who comes up with these designs?! It's time to name and shame the culprits, we'll hound them out of house and home. The away shirt is particularly bad, with a preposterous "bubble" design on the red stripes. It's as though two stoned work experience kids at Le Coq Sportif were left to their own devices, dicking about with Photoshop. "Huh-huh, mess about with the hue and saturation, they'll never notice...".

Ridiculously, the return "home" leg is to be played at Barnsley's ground Oakwell. The reason? Bon Jovi (apropos of nothing an anagram of our £6m striker Bojinov) played at The City of Manchester stadium this summer and the pitch is still being repaired. Ironically, yet depressingly, Jon Bon Jovi has now spent more playing time on the Eastland's turf than Valerie. It seems absurd that we were unable to find a suitable venue even in our own county, despite the abundance of local clubs. Christ, even Edgeley Park would've sufficed. But bloody Yorkshire? Surely there must've been somewhere a little more civilised and progressive to play the game. Streymnes, for instance.

Comments

[Ric]

Apologies for the ignorant remarks, I hold my hands up. The Streymus bit was taken from Wikipedia and the drinking laws taken from something I read on a forum. Lazy, I know. In my defence I'm not a journalist and don't get paid for these pieces so the research is shoddy at times, but no excuses.

[Danjal]

Funny article, apart from a few rather ignorant remarks about the match against EB/S. Clearly no background checking has been done, as you don't even get the venue of the match correct and the obscure reference to the drinking law? Err...

I'm actually going to the match tomorrow as I'm from the Faroes. I'm no EB/S fan though, I'm just taking advantage of the chance to see a PL team.

Funny fact. MC asked for 2000 tickets to sell to their fans. Faroe police responded by saying they couldn't handle 2000 MC-fans so MC only got 600 tickets to sell.

[j100]

not a city fan but this made me laugh. ronaldinho and deadly darius. lol.
and yeah. when did city fans become so uptight about a bit of self deprecating humour? i thought it had been acknowledged as the only way for a city fan to stay sane over the last few years.
good article.

[South Stand massive]

Quality article, shame a few north standers ahd to read it and have a little moan, keep up the good work

[scall]

Ric - loved the article. As one of the 'pissheads' who is going on the trawler to the Faroes, thanks for thinking about us.

How else are we going to spend 26 hours on the roughest seas around? Drinking green tea?! Although by the end of it, I'm sure everything will be covered in green liquid with carrots! 6 days at sea or on the road with fellow blues, you can't beat it!

Loved the article anyway, summed up the madness of the current climate at City.

[GAGA]

YOUR NOT TRUE BLUE YOUR A JOKE JUST LIKE THE ARTICLE, NO SELF RESPECTING CITY FAN OR ANY OTHER CLUBS FAN WOULD TAKE THE PISS OUT OF THEIR CLUB LIKE THIS, WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVE ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE FANS WHO REALLY DOESNT CARE WHAT HAPPENS SO THAT YOU CAN STAND AROUND AT THE END OF THE YEAR SAYING ''TYPICAL CITY'' WHY DONT YOU PUT A UNITED SHIRT ON WHILST PREPARING YOUR NEXT CITY ARTICLE. WE ARE NOT ALL PISSHEADS YOU IDIOT.

[Ric]

In response to the "pisshead" remark, it was only a light hearted joke although I guess I apologise for any offence caused. I have the utmost respect for any Blues who are going to such lengths to see the game, I know quite a few who are going and I doubt they'd have taken any offence. When did we City fans become so precious and self righteous? I thought we were known for our self deprecating humour. The suggestion that I'm not a City fan is absurd.

[Abid Alshamat]

Typical writer trying to make it big by mucking his Club, thus taking away our right to be optimistic after years of heart pain. You are a disgrace for giving United fans the opportunity to have another cheap-dig on a Monday morning with words like (even a City fan think your club is a joke).

I see the other side of the coin, City’s name mentioned more often across world renowned broadcasters, more young people putting on the blue shirt across Asia and the middle east, a growth in an academy that is one of the country’s finest and not to mention all the community interaction the club is offering and most importantly been associated with the world’s biggest names in football. None of which you have managed to mention.

[M9LAD]

Funny, and not too wide of the mark although The Pisshead remark was maybe a little harsh. Fortunately we City fans dont take a little piss taking too seriously. How about you, Ya baldy tw@t?

[thebluemoonrising]

arthur, please stop embarrasing yourself - it was a tongue in cheek comment, that seems you have took offence too..calm down mate and get ready youve got a cracking relegation battle ahead of yourselves.

[Lunar]

Interesting that a group of fans so dedicated to the club that they would hire a trawler to get to the UEFA tie are described as 'Pissheads'.

I would imagine going to such lengths to cheer on our beloved side would be some kind of exercise in consuming alcohol, it might actually be about the aforementioned.

Seemingly another someone in the newspapers that's more consumed by just how 'funny' they are than being a fan.

A disgrace.

[true blue]

Great post, really funny but i cannot see mentioned anywhere that stockport county have been slated. Only a statement about your cowshed.

[ARTHUR BROWNLOW]

Fair enough!We do have state of the art pies at Edgeley park if that helps. I was only writing half seriously really anyway,no offence taken!I was going to reply with at least County own their ground but bloody sale sharks nicked it!
Anyway a top article,enjoyed it even as a non city fan.

[Gav Bailey]

He wasnt offending Stockport County the club or team, just Edgely Park in is size and its "state of the art" facilties.

His point was, why wasnt somewhere closer (even tho Barnsley is only 30 odd miles down my road) when there are places like Bolton, Wigan, etc.

But going back to the "bastardisation" of the kits. Very good point, but the fact that City have added "We have taken customer feedback in account and the sizes are now more loose" as to last seasons where they were like wearing leotards. At least Ronaldinho McDonalinho wont be showing his portly nature is this years kit if he ever signs.

[Sam]

One of the funniest articles I've ever read - brilliant!

[ARTHUR BROWNLOW]

Great,well written article,but why the put down of Stockport County and Edgeley Park? Thought City fans weren't as bitter as the rumour has it! Bit unfair to patronise County,understandable if you have a go at United.Or are you still angry over the defeats County inflicted on City?