Spend it wisely? What the heck for?

It certainly seems that the majority of professional footballers are thicker than lumpy custard, but are they really from the shallow end of the gene pool, or just so focused on the game that the finer and funnier things in life pass them by completely?

Now, we know there are exceptions to the "thickie" stereotype, but how many? Neil MacKenzie of Notts Couny went on Countdown, but how many others have a creative imagination? Footballers, especially those from the higher echelons of the Premier League, are like a bizarre cross-breed between magpies and sheep.

As soon as something new and shiny comes on the market, one player buys one and then the rest all follow. Rio gets a Cadillac Escalade, then suddenly Cheshire is full of footballers in Yank-tanks. Frank gets a Baby Bentley, and Essex is chocka with Portuguese and French footballers all trying to look identical.

Why don't they show some imagination and panache?

Now rock stars, they know how to wazz away vast amounts of cash in very interesting ways, but let's assume that even pudding-brains like Rio know that drugs and booze are, like, well naughty innit? Apart from Adrian "Keef" Mutu, obviously.

So why don't footballers spend money like pop stars? Once they've done the "big house, lots of cars and villa in Spain" bit they lose interest in being flash.

I'll be perfectly honest with you, if Chelsea or Real Madrid were to offer me £100k a week to do my job  I'd be buying all sorts of daft rubbish. Mercs and Ferraris? Tosh. A big hot air balloon in the shape of a giant £ and the V sign combined, just to go to the shops in.

A swimming pool the shape of a knife and fork, or with a huge picture of John Wayne in tiles on the bottom. Turn up for training in a £300,000 motor? I'd ride a giraffe into the car park. I'd not have a minder either, I'd have an orang-utan. Wearing a fez in the club's colours. And teach it "Hello Fatty" in sign language for when it met Frank Lampard.

Beckham has at least done something with a big pile of cash, he's got two academies going, but that's not really being flash, that's doing something for the kids. Which is nice, but rubbish.

And the idiot footballers who are constantly crashing cars, that's bobbins too. The money they earn they should be crashing airships into Buckingham Palace, or seeing who really would win a fight between a lion, Mike Tyson and a big shark. And he needs the cash, so he'd be cheaper than the lion too.

I'd insist the team celebrated goals by playing the theme from Rainbow.

I'd buy an island, or possibly a small country, and rename it "Rich Is Greatland."

Save the rainforest? Frank, JT, Rio, Wayne and Ickle Mickey Owen could buy it, so why do they just buy houses for their families?

And never mind saving the whale, I'd buy the lot. Never mind that I can't, I'm a Premier League footballer, nobody says "you can't do that" to us, not even the Japanese or Norwegian whaling industries.

I'd have a real Transforming car, like that ice-skating one in the adverts. Escalade? Crapola, I drive Optimus Prime. With my orang-utan navigating.

Mind you, I don't think Sir Alex would be best impressed if he can't get in the car park at the Glazierdome if it's full of Transformers, whales and giraffes. With primates giving Fatty the fingers.
But it would look great.

Stevie G had a go at spoffing money away on nowt when he paid a few hundred quid for a professional Christmas tree decorator, and his bird got him a flash watch, but that's not really what he should be striving for. A professionally done tree? What about getting Vivienne Westwood to do it? And having the Sex Pistols do a carol concert. Get it spent, tight wad.

So we need to encourage these empty headed millionaires to spend their cash in fun ways. We might moan like hell that they are still overpaid morons, but at least we'll know that if we were in their shoes then we too would be buying islands, Zeppelins, gold statues of Dangermouse, assorted zoo animals and paying damages for crashing hovercrafts into Tower Bridge.

Comments

[Marc]

Hilarious!!!

[Nick Dixon]

One of the funniest articles I've read in a long time .
Instead of man of the match you could have " who gets shagged by the orangutan at half time award for playing crap ".
The imagery of Fatty kissing his shirt as he bends down to touch his toes on the centre circle ,

[Stuart]

nah.. all wrong.

Why would you ride in on a giraffe, AND have an urangutan butler?? When instead you could have a giant gorilla to operate as both Valet and transport?? riding around on your gorilla with a special saddle...

having him sit in the front row, and then run on the pitch to carry you up the stands to celebrate your goals??

much better.

or.. you could just use Wayne.

[Josh]

Well said! And what's up with these billionaire owners, too? If I was going to spend half a billion smackers on a Premier League team, I'd at least want them to let me play...

And forget Abramovich buying players for Chelsea. I want some billionaire to buy Kaka to come and play in his back garden...

[Xtraspecial1]

I can see that our writer is having a bit of slow day. Shouldn't be jealous, ya know, let spend it ANYWAY they like. Talk about a slow day , look at this , i'm commenting on this nonsense .Oh btw , will Berbs EVER arrive ?