Burridge:Why Don't We Sit Down Together & Have a Go On The Football Scratch Card Anymore?

Now hold on just a minute there, buster. If I'm not mistaken that's a brand new pair of Stan Smiths you're wearing. If you've got fifty sheets to blow on new pumps, you can damn well afford to cough up a few quid on the football scratch card, can't you? Come on you tight wad, it's only fifty pence a go and if the team you pick matches what's under the silver foil you've just won yourself ten whole pounds.

No, I'm sorry - Queens Park Rangers are already taken, what about Queen of the South? Look, there are still twenty teams left to choose from, so just pick one will you. So what if all the proceeds end up going to the club, it's not like we couldn't use the extra cash. Do you think the laundromat just waive their fee for putting our stinking kit through the wash? Get with the now, man - there's a recession going on. For the record it costs fifteen big ones to get our gear washed. With at least twenty fixtures scheduled this season I'll leave you to do the math.

Hoe about you, Jay Schwodler? I imagine you're still pretty sore after having two sets of studs impaled into your chest and groin. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think anyone was that surprised when you lost control of the ball on the halfway line, but what followed was pretty brutal. I thought we were going to have to lash you back together with gaffer tape. I suppose you're right, it was a bit like that scene in The Empire Strikes Back, when Chewbacca collects the various pieces of C-3PO that are scattered on the floor, after he's been blown to bits by an imperial storm trooper in the Ugnaught recycling facility on Bespin Cloud City. But like the referee said, Jay - just an accident, right?

Wait a minute, guys - don't go. I'm sorry for raising my voice, it's just that the football scratch card was one of the few times we'd get to sit down together as a team. There I was thinking that a Saturday afternoon here at the Bugle after a 4-2 pre-season win against premier division Bishopstoke would be the ideal time to rekindle the spark for that once special weekly routine. I guess I was wrong. Too many of you seem to have had your head turned by that Who Wants To Be A Millionaire simulator. Don't get me started on that blasted slot machine. Now that really is throwing your money away, but what's that? It's paying out? Well why don't you have a go on the football scratch card. Northampton, Bristol City, Rangers and Sunderland - they're all still available and only fifty pence a pop.

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Emerson Marks