Everton: 6 Reasons Why Harris Should Be Able To Sell The Toffees

Keith Harris is apparently finding it hard to find a credible buyer for Everton, blaming the unattractive demographics of Liverpool and the fact that we share the city with another team. Admittedly, Merseyside is a poor area, and the demographics must look bad, particularly in a recession, but on the other hand – television rights in the Premier League dwarf gate receipts – just as the global reach of the Premier League is becoming colossal in comparison to its rivals.

I have come up with six reasons why Harris should be able to sell “The People’s Club”.

I.    Membership of the Premier League.                                                                           
As the Premier League’s tentacles spread further afar – a stake in our league will become more and more precious. Purchasing Everton buys an investor just that; a foothold in the world’s premier football league, a Noah’s Ark of international stars, where tackles crunch like credit – and a home to oligarchs with more roubles that scruples. As the numbers of clubs shrink that haven’t already been gulped down by billionaire fat cats, Everton percolate to the top.

II.    History.                                                                                                                  
History and tradition are difficult to crystallize into value but they are there in the truckload. Everton is a club that bleeds history, and in the 130 years that we have been in existence we have changed like Dr Who playing musical chairs; Bank of England, the Mersey Millionaires, the School of Science,  the Dogs of War, and now our latest reincarnation – the People’s club. I like to think that we are an interesting club – the exotic curio at the back of the antiques shop. A blend of good and rubbish – if we were an album we’d be the Clash’s Sandinista – an epic of the great and the dire.
Everton are a team for all seasons, a Sandinista, with its everything but the kitchen sink philosophy. We’ve had a smorgasbord of players – from immense centre forwards like Joe Royle,  Bob Latchford, Dixie Dean, and our one season shooting star Gary Lineker. With Everton you get everything from the Holy Trinity (Kendall, Ball, Harvey) and the Golden Vision (Alex Young) to the Dogs of War (Horne, Parkinson, Ebbrell) and the Big Yin (Duncan Ferguson). Wingers like Johnny Morrissey – with the balance of an acrobat and those that have fallen off that tightrope, like failed wideboy Andy Van der Meyde.
Any incoming fat cats have the in-built ego boost of knowing that they are transforming a team’s fortunes, whilst also realizing that Everton belong amongst the top clubs.
Much as it pains me to think of us being sold to a billionaire Verruca Salt, I can see that Everton’s dual persona – being equally happy troughing from the gutter as elegantly sipping Champagne from the top table – can’t hurt. An incoming buyer will be hailed for his transformative presence, but he won’t have to deal with the sniping barbs of elevating a club above its natural position.
The oft lobbed epithet of Chequebook Champions will be water of a duck’s back – we dealt with that nickname back in the 60’s. I may not want us bought, but I see little alternative, we missed the boat in not mobilising swiftly enough after the Premier League’s inception, missing the boat twice would be a tragedy.
I don’t just get the jitters thinking about billionaire buyers coming in, but about them leaving too. We already witnessed a soupcon of those effects after Agent Johnson’s spending splurge – and about turn – leaving us well in the red, with a number of players stopping off at Goodison as you’d stay at Clapham Junction whilst changing trains, most notably World Cup winning skyscraper Marco Materazzi, and French defensive midfielder Olivier Dacourt.

III.    Mixing it with the big boys.                                                                                             Our track record in the Premier League of late has been excellent, butting against the top four glass ceiling – and actually smashing through on one occasion. It is that, our recent form, which will have billionaire buyers salivating and seeing pound signs – and could possibly have their huge wallets creaking open.

IV.    Moyes.                                                                                                                        There is Moyes himself, our wily manager freshly tethered to a new contract – so often standing outside the dugout like Prairie Dog – man managing and nervously sniffing the air. If Everton’s constant harrying of the Big Four is attractive to buyers, then surely so is the alchemist who created our success.

V.    Our current squad.
They say feed the Yak and he will score – even though he has been getting nil-by-mouth during our decaffeinated start – he’s still scored three this season. Yakubu is an idiot savant of a goalscorer – someone with little else to his game than the uncanny knack of scoring. This isn’t a criticism though, he is a born goalscorer, who sometimes scores despite himself, loping around and firing of magic bullets from multiple grassy knolls.
Special mention should also go to Marouane Fellaini – 15million quids worth of talent – who is starting to replace his question mark with an exclamation point – transforming from a lanky bag of nerves into a goalscoring midfielder as comfortable in the box as a frotteur in a mosh pit.
At the back we have a group that, if kept together, will only improve – defenders with talent and potential in Lescott, Yobo, and Jagielka, and an elastic goalkeeper behind them.
We also have our poet laureate in midfield, Mikel Arteta, has been quiet in the last few games, but he is the most talented player at the club – and another huge asset – with feet like Rory Delap’s hands.

VI.    Our youth team.
Although not quite on the level of the playground superstars at the Emirates, we have developed an excellent crèche for young talent, with our first team squad currently boasting Jack Rodwell, James Vaughan, and Victor Anichebe – and cameos from Jose Baxter. The spores from our youth team have always translated into exciting youngsters; be it flash in the pan kids like Danny Cadamarteri, slow burning talent like Richard Dunne, or superstars like Wayne Rooney.

Comments

[Richard Parker]

I'm a blue and this, I'm afraid, is written through some seriously blue-tinted glasses.

Yeah, we've done alright domestically 3 out of the last 4 seasons and we've got a resonable squad. Our 1st XI will stand up to any other in the Premiership, outside of the Sky-4, though we're a little light on strength in depth.

But, any would be suitor will have to fork out for a new stadium, several 10's of millions on playing staff and cover the £60M or so of debts.... on top of that, with Man City's new owners, there are now 5 other teams vying for the 4 Champions League spots.

A bit of a reality check is needed I'm afraid.

Still, at least we've got as much chance as the red neighbours of winning the Premiership.

[Avinash Ram]

I don't think there will be any potential for your club. The best club in Merseyside is the red one, by far! Everton can be matched with Crewe!

[Big Philly]

What utter cobblers! Talk about seeing things through bitter tinted glasses! Out of Europe twice in a month, Moysie is a genius ! Oh and it was Bill Shankly that first used the `Peoples` soundbite....not Gollum,

[Rob]

Well, Dan, I paid enough attention in my GCSE English to to have a passing acquaintance with how to spell. And no, I'm not from Liverpool, neither am I a red.

[Dan]

just want to ask that robert feler who slagged this article off if he passed his gcse english because he obviously needs to re-read the piece and then look at the football league honours table. he must be a red- evidently not from liverpool.

great piece, lets encourage a buyer and break into europe once again!!!

coyb

[Rob]

Hang on a second. This, I'm afraid, is patent nonsense.

Each of your 6 points are really the same point. You're in the Premier League. Without that single fact, your other 5 points become worthless pieces of posturing. It doesn't matter if you can mix it with the big boys if you're playing in League One. It doesn't matter who your manager is if your best chance of silverware is the Enfield Southern League trophy. It doesn't matter how promising your youth team is if you play in Serie C.

So, with all that pompous crap out of the way, have a think about why a billionaire would want to buy a club in the current economic climate.

To make money? Nonsense. Football clubs, bar the 20 or so at the global top of the pile, don't make money. You know that, I know that. I'm sorry, but it's the truth, If they break even, they sure as shit aren't turning around a decent return on investment. So, what's next?

A lovely plaything to amuse them. Well, City may buck the trend here but let's be honest: you're not in London, which is something of a barrier, and your city already has a bigger team in it. Grit your teeth and come to terms with that. When you go round the world, Everton is not a name that's going to sell shirts over Liverpool in Thailand / India / China / etc. So, again, what's in it for them? It was relatively easy for Chelsea... they were already in the Champions League when the Russian bought them. You guys don't have that advantage.

I guess you'll just have to wait for a billionaire from Everton to turn up, lads. Until then, live in the real world. No offence.

[Tony]

Great peice - what did Kieth Harris say was Evertons main selling point - er.....Bill Kenwright - yeh right.. thanks for articulating the real value of the club which I hope Mr Harris and Orville adopt immediately

[si ord]

i'm an avid blue and own a bar called sandinista!...so i have to agree...nice piece

[Tom]

Pardon me for sounding like a school teacher, but that was beautifully written! It was also very true.

[jack roberts]

top man , make sure someone at the club see's a copy , lol

[Art jones]

A very good sales package , maybe Keith Harris should use this presentation and get shut of Orville

[Mike Rotch]

Dee fellers, I tell yer it's dee jannock! Dee Fat Spanish Waiter gits on me t*ts!

[Dan]

Excellent read, nice one mate!

[Ina Rex]

GREAT READ MATE!!!