Manchester City: A Symphony of Tourette

I like to think that I’m normally quite a calm, placid individual but watching Manchester City invokes some hitherto unseen violent, irrational side to my character. It brings out the sociopath in me, although you could argue that City’s performances of late are enough to make even a shy, bald Buddhist reflect and plan a mass murder.

Whilst watching City I develop full blown Tourette’s Syndrome, which is a cause for concern as my young son is currently learning how to speak. It’s inevitable his first word will be a profanity, and quite probably the worst one you can imagine. But how else can you describe the hopeless official Phil Dowd, or the hapless Tal Ben Haim (played by the shorter, uglier sibling of Ross from Friends)?

Brought in to replace suspended captain Richard Dunne, the transition was almost seamless as a farcical defensive error not only gifted Hull the opening goal at the KC Stadium, but also resulted in an injury to Joe Hart, one of our few consistent performers this season. Actually, that’s unfair; Ben Haim has also been consistent this season, but that’s by no means a compliment.

And don‘t even get me started on Darius Vassell (or “fucking Darius Vassell“ as he‘s more commonly known amongst my friends). I almost feel guilty criticising him as he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and he works ever so hard (then again so would I for £30k a week). But he’s patently rubbish. Even Mikey from the last series of Big Brother can see that. That he gets selected ahead of the sporadically brilliant Elano, or promising youngster Daniel Sturridge, beggars belief yet he’s been a regular now under Stuart Pearce, Sven Goran Erikkson and Mark Hughes.

Now he’s either like Lionel Messi on the training ground, or he has some serious dirt on the club and successive managers are forced to play him in order to maintain his silence. And quite frankly the latter seems more plausible. Every time he’s named in the starting XI you can almost hear an audible sigh emanate across Greater Manchester.

City have now accumulated just one point from the last four fixtures, and incredibly we’re just one point off the relegation places. The alarm bells are jangling. Our defence is more porous than Alex Ferguson’s nose, whilst the attacking triumvirate of Benjani, Jo and the aforementioned Vassell (or “the axis of evil”, as no one is calling them) are about as potent as Pele (the sexually frustrated pensioner, rather than the footballer, obviously).

Still, it’s not all bad. In the mercurial Stephen Ireland we have one of the outstanding midfielders in the Premier League, and with the likes of Joe Hart, Pablo Zabaleta, Vincent Kompany, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Robinho we have the basis of a good side. Plus the fixtures get noticeably easier in the coming weeks with, um, Arsenal, Schalke 04 and Manchester United lying in wake.

Conveniently ignoring the inept displays at Middlesbrough and Bolton, you could argue that against Spurs we were a little unfortunate, comfortably leading 1-0 until Gelson Fernandes’ early red card. Fernandes is the archetypal headless chicken, rushing around like an over excited child whacked on E numbers.

Regardless of this I’d like to see us retain his services in the transfer window, but not as a player you understand. Recently City were refused permission to install wind turbines as an eco-friendly power source at Eastlands (apparently the risk of giant slabs of ice falling from the blades and decapitating supporters was too great, although given our recent form that may be preferable to having to sit through games). As an alternative green solution I’d like to suggest deploying Fernandes in a giant hamster wheel beneath the City of Manchester Stadium; this way we could harness his excess energy to the benefit of the club.

Anyway, I digress. Some fans are already irrationally calling for Mark Hughes’ head (after only thirteen league games!), because clearly our policy of continually hiring and firing managers (repeat ad nauseum) has proved such a blueprint for success in the past. Never mind the United or Arsenal models of continuity and stability, we want change and we want it now, godammit! Hughes is by no means beyond reproach, and some of his selections have been baffling to say the least (Robinho as captain? Wright-Phillips in central midfield? Ben Haim in the first team squad?!), but he deserves at least two seasons to stamp his authority on the team. Unless, of course, he perseveres with Darius Vassell, in which case let’s get rid. Joe Kinnear should be available soon…

Ric Turner
www.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk

Comments

[arthur sixpence]

will fred - you must surely see the elephant man everytime you look in the mirror ?

[jimbo]

our problem is in midfield. everyone wants to attack, which is great, but it's always long, high balls to short strikers. why we don't play more on the wings is beyond me. we need more strength in midfield. another defensive midfielder to compliment kompany. for me, ireland is by far the best player this season, but he needs to help the midfield more.

[Will Fred]

We're obsessed - yeah. It's like living next door to the Elephant Man for 34 years.

[Keke]

@Stevie Jnr "In the past five games we have leaked goals becuase our full backs can't keep their position"

Errr... wrong. He have leaked goals because our central defenders couldnt hold a fart in a packed lift if their life depended on it.

Dunney is becoming prolific - at own goals - while Richards can't make up his mind about marking the opposition forwards or letting go on to score, while Ben Haim... well, he shouldn't be allowed on the team bus, never mind the team sheet.

[arthur sixpence]

although i am not one of the "sack hughes " brigade - i do not think he is helping his own cause at present , some of his recent tactical decisions are baffling to say the least (richards at left back , wright phillips through the middle ? ) i cannot honestly not see where citys next win is coming from and i think the best they can hope for in the next 2 league games is 2 draws . we need to sign more players to compliment the superb robinho in january who is currently looking like an artist amongst donkeys . ps;- always good to see the ever bitter rags fans posting on city web pages , you are not really obsessed with us are you ?

Lets all laugh at city....la la la la! Huge club, loadsa money....should finish 13th/14th this season!

[stevie Jnr]

I personally feel that when the Transfer window comes around in January we need to start by replacing the left back and striker position. We are playing Zabaletta and Garrido because we have few other options butwhen both drift out of position it really is infuriating. In the past five games we have leaked goals becuase our full backs can't keep their position and we are left exposed in defence.
We should never play Micah Richards at Centre back because that is not his natural position. We need to buy a CB who will work well with Dunne and who had pace to boot to keep up with the likes of Rooney and Drogba. Dunne has been over-worked which I believe is the cause for his two own goals.
The midfield is our saving grace. It's obvious that Stephen Ireland is in the form of his life but that's no good if we aren't winning games. Vincent Kompany is a decent defensive midfielder and I believe we need players like him who are consistent and strong. If you look at Chelsea for example, the backbone of the team is strength and power.
We also need height. Our attacking force is too short (with the exception of Jo) and so we need strikers who are an arial threat for when we cross the ball with SWP and Petrov (when he's fit)
TOP PRIORITIES FOR JANUARY ARE A LEFT BACK, CENTRE BACK AND A TOP QUALITY STRIKER. All hope isn't lost because we're an unfinished product. Hughes is a good manager and he has done well to keep Robinho happy because he is clearly a confidence player who needs to feel like royalty...which he is! I would keep Mark Hughes at Middle Eastlands until the end of the season. If we're still not getting results after January (which won't happen because Hughes has a great eye for a good player) then we should show him the door.

[Dave the cap]

What exactly did Phil Dowd do wrong yesterday you moaning bitter?

hahahahaha bitter, makes me laugh - and a united fan sticking up for refs hahahahahahha brilliant, you need to wipe the sweat off ur sofa you sad sad cockney red

[Will Fred]

Clear handball by Hull? Don't be dense he tried to move his hand away from it. Never even got a mention in the post game analysis on MOTD. They actually picked Dowd out for having a good game.

[magic]

City is just not good enough.
Why..?
If take the most expensiv players...
give them so much money a week...
Why schould they play ?
To winn in Football takes more then Money.

[somervillain]

Dowd had an excellent match, if you don't count missing a clear penalty on a Hull handball in the box, awarding a very dubious foul for a high boot on Wright-Phillips on a play where the Hull player was going for the ball, too (that free kick resulted in the equaliser), and then missing a clear foul on the edge of the box when Ireland was fouled. Other than that he was stellar.

[Will Fred]

What exactly did Phil Dowd do wrong yesterday you moaning bitter?

[Rob]

Oh, come on. When you buy Messi, Kaka, and the 21-year-old reincarnations of Gerd Muller and Michel Platini in the summer, it'll all be FINE.

Hehehehehe.