"I had to give my baby away" because she was disabled

Sorry about not posting for ages. I'm back, and this one is a real humdinger.

Thanks to those of you who wrote to tell me about Julia Hollander. Her second daughter, Imogen, was born very badly brain damaged, and by the time she was five months old, it was all a bit much, really, for her mother.

So she told social services that Imogen was in danger, and that one night, after Imogen's incessant crying, her mother had thought about smashing the child's head against the wall. Social services asked if Ms Hollander wanted someone else to look after Imogen. She said yes.

Imogen was immediately placed in the foster care of one Tania Beale, a 30 year old who was already caring for an older disabled child. And there Imogen, now four,  remains. Her mother has remarried and had another child and is getting on with her uncomplicated life.  So that's nice. She sees Imogen once a fortnight.

You can read the story and an old interview in the Telegraph, here and an extract from Ms Hollander's book on the story (because naturally you give away your disabled baby and write a book about it  -  what could be classier?) from the Mail here. Ms Hollander was also on Woman's Hour; you can listen to the item here. There is a piece from Families section of The Guardian here.  There is a new piece in the Telegraph (Monday March 10) here. 

What I really want to know is what you think: is the woman an utter monster, or is she just strikingly honest and oddly brave? The latter seems to be the view the media is taking. It is not one that is shared by parents of disabled children over on Mumsnet's special needs board, or by the parent of a disabled child who emailed me and imagined Ms Hollander's thought process thus: "It was too hard and all a bit icky and not part of my lifestyle, and I'd rather stay with my bearded boyf and have another NT kid instead".

Tania Beale, Imogen's carer said: ""We all have different skills. I couldn't work in an office. If parents can't cope with a child, the most loving thing they can do is make sure the child is cared for by someone who can." 

Is it?

Tania, Imogen's carer, has a blog called Behind the Child. You can access it here. Her take on, and response to,  all of this is here.

Comments

[j thorne]

We love our 41 yr old cerebral palsy son and wouldnt change anything.We are a family of 7.I am nearly 70 and i am coping very well with help from my lovely husband.Do not feel sorry for us as we consider ourselves lucky to have him.

[Jean Jones]

Andree - I know it's hard for someone who doesn't have a disabled child to understand why those of us who do are so incensed by this story, and I also know that before I had children my worst nightmare was to have a disabled child. I didn't see how I would ever cope and I felt desperate and terrified when it actually happened. But the point is, the situation's the same for every parent in this position. It can't be an 'impossible' situation, because the majority of parents whose child is disabled DO manage. It takes time to work out how and it's hard and scary. But not impossible, if you want to make it work and work at it. This is what JH apparently didn't do.

[Andree]

I read the article in Family Guardian and I must say it did not cross my mind that the mother was 'abandoning' her child as so many on the blog describe the situation. To me it was about recognising the impossibility of the task for the mother and about shared guardianship. Is she brave in this? I do not think it is relevant frankly. But I do hope that if the mother makes money out of the story it will go towards ensuring other parents in similar situation get the help they need

[Roisin]

Hi,
Just wondered if Julia Hollander is keeping all the profits from her book- or if she is perhaps donating them to a charity to help disabled children (eg Helen House, where Imogen spends some time).
Does anyone know where the profits are going?

[Miss Pink Panther]

This woman should stop parading her child around on TV and making money out of writing a book and promoting said book (with child) on TV shows. I am not a mother, but this story disgusts me.

My cousin has a severely autistic son, and there have been times when he's struggled to cope and then he had a nervous breakdown over it and wanted to kill himself. But I'm so proud that he has come through that and was able to start coping and caring for his son. Of course a child's welfare is paramount, and many parents have difficult situations and in some cases it's best to involve social services, and there is nothing wrong in that. But IMHO this woman is immoral to then be parading her child around and making money from this situation. Is she donating all of the profits to charity / hospitals / medical research???

I doubt it.....

[Jean Jones]

Could I add to what I said earlier on, on the subject of seeking help from heath and social services - again speaking from long experience, I have found this prevalent idea that You Have To Fight For Anything At All is not necessarily correct. Fighting takes up a lot of time and energy that would be better spent on the child and the rest of trying to lead a life that is as near to normal as possible. As I said, I sincerely doubt that my local authority is any better-funded than anyone else's, but I can truthfully say that the only body I have ever had to fight is Unison, which a couple of years ago called a strike which affected special schools ONLY in my area, hard though that may be to believe, kept their people out on strike for long enough to ensure my son missed 43 days of school in one school year, and in the end settled for what they'd been offered 9 months before. Grrrrr. As far as the local authority goes, I have never had much trouble: my son has been in an excellent special school (state, day, 6 miles away but free transport provided), he has had respite and now he is 17 is starting in adult respite for 30 days a year, and his post-school provision is taking shape nicely. Of course this has meant several things: a)you don't assume your child is the only one with a claim on the budget and you don't demand provision that costs wildly more than they can provide, or if you do you fund it yourself; b)you don't go in with guns blazing from the outset and assume they are all out to deny you anything you ask for before you've even asked; c)you don't assume that it is your inalienable right to have all the difficulties of having a disabled child addressed by someone else; d)you treat health and social services staff with courtesy and in a reasonable way. This may well be teaching grandmothers to suck eggs in the context of this blog, but having last week been to a meeting of parents of service users of one service my son is getting to hear about the new, £1m facility that is being built for this service, I was astonished to see that many parents (mostly fathers, it has to be said!) did nothing but moan and complain about everything proposed. And BTW my name is not Pollyanna. I just like a quiet life with as little conflict as possible while still doing my best to see my son gets more or less what he needs.

[Jean Jones]

What I cannot understand is the idea that JH and family 'got no support'. Perhaps my local authority is exceptional, though I can't believe it is, but there is no way that anyone with a child with that level of disability would be left to cope unaided here. OK, so the parents would have to work very hard, but what parent of a small baby doesn't? Between GP, health visitor and hospital, since the child was obviously very much known to them, support would have been available if JH had asked for it, let alone from social services.I can only conclude that this was that well-known malady of middle-class isolationism (and I've been there too, before anyone screams at me) - the idea that 'things like that' are for the lower orders who aren't as bright as me and can't cope as well as I can. OK, nobody is, in normal circumstances where you don't abandon the child, going to remove the burden from you entirely, but NOBODY is left completely isolated in those circumstances unless they want it that way. But doctors and so on are not psychic and you have to make it clear that you are asking for help. The thing is that in my view you cannot not ask and then complain that no help was available. It is, but not if you don't say you need it. And this all comes, BTW, from direct experience.

[Janet Cumming]

I am trying very hard not to be judgemental about the mother (and finding it hard, and many of the reasons have already been raised below). I would be awfully pissed off with a welfare system that allows people to dump their children so readily, especially when they can so easily afford proper care for them. Not to mention the media that has the tendency to make 'celebrities' out of all sorts of idiots these days.

What irks is the idea that this woman was brave to cop out, and that she gets to profit from it. I also want to know who is paying for Imogen's care, and who gets the royalties from the book.

But I also get really annoyed at the 'Mother as Martyr' image, or worse, 'Mother as Angel who God has chosen to reward with a special child'. A little less of the glurg in our inboxes and a little more serious discussion about the real value of our children and the needs of their carers is needed.

[Molly O'Donnell]

“Sometimes I think of myself not as Immie’s mother at all. I could simply be the means by which Tania’s child came into the world,” Hollander writes in her new book... That is just giving herself permission to dismiss her child. Having a child with special needs is hard work and quite simply this "gutsy" woman didn't have the desire to deal with it. Sometimes life is all about sucking it up and stepping up to the plate especially at those times when you absolutely positively don't want to. And it is surprising to see what we mere mortals are really made of and the strength and love that we are capable of giving and receiving. Obviously giving up Imogen was in the little girl's best interest. It's just a shame that now Julia gets to be applauded and make money off her book which seems to say that if your kid is not the kid that you had in mind it's ok to do a "do over."

[Paula]

Is not the real tragedy that she was sent home from the hospital after the birth with no support? And that even as a educated,articulate person she was unable to find support until too late.
As a family we almost made the same decision after fighting for 12 months for support.It was only after we had reached the point of my partner ringing Social Services to ask where to take the baby as he did not want to leave it in the public toilets that we started to receive any help.We survived but still suffer from the after effects of those early days ten years later .

[Stewart Morgan]

Hi India, I can't honestly say that I agree with all of your articles, but what would be the point in reading them if I did.? I only read today your article entitled "An inconvenient child" and I have to agree with every word you say.

So many of our friends have made choices to have children later in life and it hasn't always worked out. But to have a child at nearly 40 and then throw it away because it isn't going to be the little rocket scientist that you planned on is disgraceful. Unlike Malcolm I have no pity for these people and their selfish middle-class angst. They are neither brave nor heroic, just very very weak and cowardly in my book. We all make decisions in life, some big and some small, but every single one of those decisions should tell us a little bit about ourselves. What can Hollander and Arden have really gleaned about themselves from their reaction to the tragedy of Imogen's handicap?

One thing is certain, in the years to come they will truly regret their behaviour and lack of courage.
I am sorry, but I do condemn them.

Consumerism at its worst is the 'right' to have something and throw it away if you don't like it.
To Hollander - GIVE THE MONEY AWAY!

[Liz]

Two points

1. If this child's condition had been diagnosed antentally and the mother had chosen to terminate the pregnancy I daresay she would have found a lot more sympathy chosing to 'dispose' of her child then than 5 months after her birth

2. Would the media have been so sympathetic if Ms Hollander had been an illiterate unarticulate uneducated single mother languishing on a council estate would the media be applauding her in the same way or condemning her decision

What disturbs me more than this woman's decision is the implication that having a child with a disability is such a dreadful thing to be ridden from your life.

[India Knight]

Not all my correspondents agree with me at all - see Riki, below. And see more dissenters on the Times web page I've linked to. I just object to being called sanctimonious for thinking it's wrong to abandon your baby. JH had no inkling of the existence of Tania Beale when she chose to leave her baby to Social Services by refusing to collect her from hospital. She quite literally abandoned her. The child was five months old. I understand that some people find it hard to love their children, disability or not, but I don't think five months - during which Ms Hollander was herself clearly distressed and depressed - is a reasonable amount of time in which to make such a momentous and disturbing decision. She could have asked for respite care, she could have asked for help, for support, she could (it seems to me from her middle-class set up) have hired a specialist nanny or live-in carer, but no - she just got rid of the problem, and never mind that the problem was her own child. I pity her because I don't understand how anyone would find it possible to live with that decision. If that still makes me sanctimonious, so be it.

[Malcolm Walton]

Hello India. You hid your pity pretty well. I see that all your other correspondents agreed with you. I did not and so I get subject to petty rudeness with you implying that I did not read my newspaper correctly, a comment on my psychic abilities (or lack of them) and so on. I find it sad to see so many people joining this bandwagon of condemnation. I never said that I agreed with her decision but I listened to what she had to say and I felt compassion not anger.

[India Knight]

Hello Malcolm. My lack of insight into her state of mind is "staggering" - what, and yours is spot-on, is it? Hard to see how this could be the case, unless you're either Ms Hollander or a friend of hers. Or psychic, of course.

If you'd read my column properly you'd have seen that, unlike many people, I do feel pity for Ms Hollander. For you to interpret pity as "sanctimonious" is really rather bizarre. Would you have preferred me to call her a heartless freak, and left it at that?

[Malcolm Walton]

Evey one is entitled to a point of view. I am sorry that you had to express yours so sanctimoniously. You may not agree with what Julia Hollander did but your lack of insight into her state of mind is staggering. I heard this lady interviewed on radio when I was in England last week and felt deperately sorry for her and her family. Who am I to judge her and indeed what gives you that right either? Comment and question; yes. But leave the harsh judgement out of it. As the father of four children and grandfather of four more I have no idea how I would have faced such a dreadful situation but this lady deserves our pity not our condemnation.

[Sarah]

Gosh this story is too horrible for words. Thank you for questioning it India. I wish I hadn't heard about a mother throwing all her infant's things away and refusing to take her home from hospital. It's something that will make me feel revolted and ill for quite a long time.

I'd really be interested to know the answer to two questions

1. Who is funding Tania, the child's carer. Us as taxpayers? Does abandonment go so far as financial abandonment too?

2. Who gets to keep the profits of the book drafted by the mother applauding her own "bravery". Are the profits going to Tania and Immie? Because they BLOODY WELL SHOULD.

[Gaynor]

I read this today having had a really rough week in my job and facing a huge battle with the educational authorities about provision for my SN son's post 16 school provision and wondering how many more battles I will have to fight for him. I don't feel I can judge Julia Hollander for doing what she did because I remember going through all those feelings myself in the first few horrendous years when we lived everyday in crisis mode. But as India says what about those of us who get on with it - don't have time to write books about it and don't get media applause.I suppose that's what heroism is all about.Thanks for the article.

[Dominique Miller]

I am not the mother of a disabled child but I was nearly 40 years old when my son was born and I was very aware that as an older mother my child was more at risk of having special needs. I read with great interest India's blog concerning Julia Hollander. I also referred to the various links concerned. I was extremely horrified by the comments of both Julia Hollander and her partner. I don't have to rewrite their comments here but it is difficult to stop the text explaining how they discussed "disposing" of Imogen from reverberating in my head. It is quite depressing that the media is reporting and almost celebrating such a story, as if giving away Imogen was some kind of an achievement. I thought of buying her book so I could really round out the picture, however I decided that I would much rather read the stories of the women who contribute to this blog than be sickened by Julia Hollander's almost noble vision of her own selfishness. I also had a very strange feeling that Julia Hollander believes that because she has fought for a career in opera and is "funky" and "artsy" that it somehow validates her quest to get rid of Imogen. Does she believe that only women who work in supermarkets should keep their special needs children and that women with important or "funky" jobs have some kind of a special right to make them "disappear"??? The media should celebrate all the women who don't reject their special needs children, women who love and are loved back by their children. I don't believe in any way that what Julia Hollander did was loving, I think she gave into a very self-serving desire to get rid of a problem, Imogen. Having said that, thank God she did what she did, I don't want to imagine Imogen's quality of life with Julia Hollander in charge. I don't want to judge Julia Hollander but she wrote a book about and "medialised" her situation. I would like to see her donating all the proceeds from the book earnings to Tania Beale...

[Antonio Lorenzo]

Dear Mrs Knight,

I have just read your article “Brave to give up a baby? Never” and I would like to tell you that it has been truly inspiring and that it perfectly illustrates the differences between what is right and what is wrong. I am not in a position to judge anybody; however I do think that there are always reasons to evade doing the right thing and they are diverse depending on education, wealth, culture, etc. History provides us with multiple examples, some of them horrifying. Again I do not want to be judgmental but I have to say that I find “being able to cope” as a frail rationale to give up a baby. Let’s imagine applying the same underpinning principle to other similar demanding situations.

Thank you very much

Yours sincerely
Antonio Lorenzo

[Riki]

India, you do not come from an objective position when you condemn this woman for her actions. You have a diabled child and are able to cope. That's great that you can. Julia could not and nor could her husband. Who are you to say that she should ditch her husband - what about the effects of that on her other kids? There is more than one child's welfare at stake here. Rather than have her family fall apart she took the decision to have her disabled child placed with a person who could care for her. The child is going to suffer no harm - your article itself states she has no intelligence. However placing her in a family able to cope with her demands could prevent harm from happening to her. Why are we so quick to condemn people who don't measure up to our own supposed moral superiority? There are probably other areas in this woman's life in which she would out perform you, India. Her bravery is in admitting that she was failing to cope and being prepared for the negative judgements to start raining down on her, after all the myth of motherhood is that we are all long-suffering, self-sacrificing saints. Recently in Australia, an autistic child starved to death because her parents could not cope with caring for her. The family was known to welfare, but it still happened, with two other "normal" siblings in the house. The parents have been charged with murder and a family destroyed. If this family had been able to say that they couldn't cope without all the judgements that go with it, I wonder if the child would still be alive today, and the rest of the family intact? There are no easy answers, moral or otherwise, in situations such as Julia's, but she has to live her life, and ensure the survival of all her children, and if that means giving one up she feels she cannot care for, then so be it. We are not Julia, nor do we live her life, so are we really in a position to judge?

[Kate]

I am lucky in that my own children are what is seen as normal and healthy and I can only imagine what I would have done had this not been so. However, I work with children who have been emotionally damaged and stunted by remaining in families that chose to not give them away. Sometimes children are not planned and rally not wanted and often seen as a required element with no focus on their own needs. Handing your child over for adoption is now often viewed as a negative thing to do, Just as handing over a child you honestly dont feel you can cope with is being critizised here. We cant all be saints and love a child who is damaged and owning up to that shouldlnt be seen so negtively. We are all who we are. I personally couldnt take on a damaged child like this Tania has done its just not me, however I can take on emotionally damaged adoplecents and really enjoy the challange. That is where my skill lies just as Tania's lie with damaged children.

I also find it distrubing that the point Tania made in the earlier article about getting more support as a carer when those devoted mothers caring for their own child dont get the support they need. Perhaps there should be more focus on that and the need to get care and support for those mothers caring for their own chldren as it would be more cost effective than taking them all into the overburdened care service.

[Liz Mann]

I am coming at this from over the Pond and as a mum of a child similar to Julia's child. My daughter, too cried non-stop for the first 18 months of her life..until we had the 'scan' and found a similar 'black hole'. I to remember all the feelings that Julia discribes. But I also see the horror stories in the papers about the abuse some of these children go through when parents who are ill equipt and with little state resources try to keep them at home. As Tania said, everyone one of us has different skills. If Julia, in writing this book encourages another mum, to look at what is best for the child, in sharing guardianship then the book has done it's job. I know here in the States, many children with special needs, lag in a system much poorer than what is available in Britain.

[Jane]

Glad to see you posting again, Nell looks wonderful!

Not glad to see this post though. How sad that she wasn't able to push through her fear and panic and be a mother to her child. Fancy book or not, I'm sure the decision will haunt her for the rest of her life.

I wonder why she would choose to have another child knowing that children are an unpredictable lot at best. If her "new" child should develop cancer or some devastating behavioral problem, will she just throw her hands up and say "Someone take this one too".

I understand the complex feelings of resentment and despair that come along with having a medically fragile child, but I just cannot understand this decision. My gut reaction is revulsion, anger and pity.

[anna]

I am quite surprised at my reaction to this. When I first read about the Hollanders I was nodding in agreement. I went through all the emotions that they did, I wished my daughter dead (I am appalled that I have just written that , but I know I am not the only mother of a disabled child who feels that at times) and I still wander how straightforward life would be without her. And yes, if someone at the beginning had offered to take her away I would have handed her over with relief. BUT WE DIDNT, We knew that was not an option. She is now 9 and the most vital and joyful member of our family. I can not believe how much I adore her ,but she also knows us and adores us. Its a two way thing, is love selfish? do we need to be loved in order to love? Do we love a helpless baby because of all they might become? I know I struggled to love my daughter at the beginning because I was scared about what she would not be. I think the saddest part of the Hollanders story is that they were not given the support and time to love their baby. Once you do that, then there is no option. Think how much you love your other children, would you hand them over if they became profoundly disabled.
Love is the key, and with a disabled child it can take so long.

[Chloe]

What disturbs me about this story is the portrayal of parenting a child with a disability as being the end of your life, and to keep your child would mean that you would never be happy again.

For the first year of my daughter's life I really did wake up each morning with the fear that I could never be happy again - I can only attribute this to chronic lack of sleep, and chronic anxiety about the future - would my daughter die? I never for a second would have not wanted her though. She was, and is, mine.

I now know that I can be (and most definitely am) happy again. It's desperately sad that Julia Hollander never allowed herself the time to realise this.

The Hollander's story also disturbs me as it attempts to 'normalise' their behaviour. I really don't think it should ever be considered 'normal' or 'brave' to give a child away just because they were disabled. What sort of a society do we live in if this becomes the norm?

And I certainly don't perceive myself as 'Mother as Martyr' - I continue to hold down a full-time job (as does my husband) and enjoy my life to the full; I just also happen to be the very proud parent of a lovely girl with profound disabilities.

[Caroline Hallgarth]

In response to India's question - is Julia a monster or brave? - I would say neither. I think she reacted with fear, to a situation which her previous limited life experience did not prepare her for. And she reacted in this way because she was not supported by her significant other. If there's a monster in this tale its not necessarily Julia...
However, my main concern is that this story is being promoted as the story of someone who made a brave and life changing decision - but because this is an educated, articulate, high achiever, with media links, the story of countless others who made different choices will not be given airtime.
My own daughter has severe learning difficulties. My choice is that she is my daughter - a visible, valid, full member of the family. And her sisters, I hope, have the knowledge that, should they too require extensive care due to whatever life throws at them, then their parents will not give up on them.

[Sian Jones]

There are 2 different issues here: firstly to examine why we feel this passionate need to throw stones at a mother who made one very bad judgement call when clinically depressed and has been rationalising ever since. Clearly no-one (especially Imi) has suffered from this decision, so what is making everyone so angry? Is it just that she has broken ranks with the "Mother as Martyr" stereotype which all the rest of us SN mums are forced into? Is that really her problem, or is it ours?

The second issue is that she has written, and the media are cheerfully promoting, a book re-inforcing the common belief that a SN child is an unmitigated tragedy and only a professional saint can cope. As long as the public believe this, the government's focus will remain on the cheaper option of prevention not cure - in testing and termination rather than on supporting families breaking down in the face of completely inadequate services - which is the real issue for us 99% of mothers who hold on to our severely disabled children. If I wrote a book about that, though, it wouldn't raise a blip on the Daily Mail's radar.

Sian Jones

[charlotte jenkins]

I was the person who first posted the link in mumsnet, am glad you have posted this on your page, thanks.