Toilets, snakes and flies

British soldiers in southern Iraq have some of the most informative toilets I have ever seen, with signs on the doors of cubicles offering advice on a host of different topics from snake sightings to learning Arabic.
Admittedly, the threat of a snake bite was furthest from my mind when I headed down to Britain’s military base outside Basra; a place better known for its rocket rather than reptile attacks.
So it was with a certain amount of surprise that I read a sign on the door of the ladies’ lavatories at the main headquarters warning of a snake sighting.

“A snake has been spotted in the ladies toilets,” the red-lettered poster read. “Do not attempt to handle it. If seen make noises and leave the room.”
Apparently the snake had been eyed three months ago and the sign, illustrated with a cartoon of the creature, had been there ever since.
With just one working cubicle, the odds of any snake rearing its head as someone was sitting on the toilet appeared worryingly high. However, I was desperate so ventured inside.

Thankfully the only evidence of life was a couple of ants scuttling across the floor, while on the toilet door was a second helpful sign, this one informing readers how best to avoid diarrhoea and vomiting by washing your hands.

Up-to-speed on the merits of soap and going to the toilet quickly (to reduce chances of becoming snake food), I exited the latrines and carried on with my day.
Several hours later I found myself sitting on the toilet again, this time in a different part of the base.
Right in the line of sight that a person typically adopts when staring into space during that quiet moment on the loo was yet another sign. Entitled: “Toilet Training”, it advised lavatory-goers to: “Use your time on the toilet productively, learn some Arabic”

Underneath was a string of words and phrases that went from mundane everyday remarks such as: “Hello” and “How are you?” to rather more aggressive terminology like: “Do not shoot” and “You are under arrest”.
Whoever put the list together, however, inserted a grammatical error into the English translation of one couplet, saying that: “Affwan” meant: “Your welcome”.
My final Basra toilet experience was at the departure hangar before boarding a flight back to Baghdad. Again keen to relieve myself, I popped into one of the rather grim-smelling port-a-loos outside.
Perched over the seat, I looked up to see one more sign. This time the eating habit of flies was in focus.

“WARNING. The flies you see in this port-a-loo have probably been feeding on the poo and laying eggs,” it read. “The next time you see these flies they may be sitting on your food in the cook house. Stop them breeding and spreading disease. Close the loo seat lid.”
Gross. I think I would prefer to take my chances with the snake.

[Picture 1: Me next to snake sign;
Picture 2: Tips on how to avoid diarrhoea and vomiting;
Picture 3: Learn Arabic on the loo;
Picture 4: Pooh-eating fly warning;
Picture 5: The working toilet in the lavatories where the snake was spotted. The other loo was out of order.]

Comments

[Hannah]

Sake spotting? It's like a Basra version of Where's Wally!

[Duane]

Not much different here in Baghdad, although we have renamed the more protected loo's to a "Dump n cover" in between all clears of course!

[Aimen]

Debbie
I have experienced this
Don't tell me
It is just the problems we were facing were not enough.
The SQMS always have troubles with environmental nurses and always promise to solve such problems but no developing in this case and we lived with it at the end

[Mike]

The snake pictured, a black mamba is found only in southern and east Africa. Not in Iraq

[Scott]

As if dodging rockets weren't exciting enough, now you have to watch for lurking snakes and poo-eating flies. At least all the signs don't leave room for (or cover up) the typical graffiti of grousing soldiers.

[Black Mamba]

There are snakes which travel up the sewers into the toliets. The scenes from snakes on a plane can happen in real life. Be carefull when taking a dump as that may cause the snake to go insane and attack (what it can see first, yes that). However snakes hate urine, so that can be used as a defence mechanism.

[JFred]

From the estimable Times I have today learned that snakes hate urine. By reading the Times I learn something every day.

Thank You,
Fred

[John]

Regardless of snakes and poo eating flies we have a theory in Afghanistan that the much maligned portaloo might in fact be the safest place on base, no one has ever been killed while occupying one to the best of our knowledge.

[chorche]

Hi Debbie - I am deeply in love with you, but aren't you a bit potty-obsessed? Or is it just by chance that quite a few of your posts seem to circle, like a fly etc etc, around these facilities and related activities.

Yours dearly
Watersports

[Guy Martin]

ROFL! You're in Iraq and you're worried about snakes and flies?! You sure you got the right country?

For more amusing news, visit www.amusingyou.com/news.htm

[Jerry Scroggin]

Excellent info regarding hand washing
and what flies are up to - UGH.

Over the years I have read about snakes showing up in toilets. In one
case it was a cobra.

leave our country please leave our country completly this is our land leave soooooooooooooooooooooooooon
O.K

[Liam Sheils]

So astute Mike, The Times never claimed the snake was THE same one their journalist feared in the toilet. Why be so anal about it?

[Spurs]

I was at RAF Shaibah in 1955 and the toilets were made from old petrol cans. It was standard practice to kick the can and wait a few seconds before sitting down. I never saw a snake in the camp but did see one at an old fort a mile or two away.

[Clive Warner]

Scott is, unfortunately, correct. I hadn't been in Mexico long (Tampico, on the east coast) when indeed, I was about to do a 'number two' but spotted an evil-looking dark green snake with a head the size and shape of an old fashioned glass coke bottle emerging from the pan.

To Watersports
you are using a disgusting expressions to describe the others's posts ,the writer must refuse your silly comment.

[Selina]

This woman has nothing better to do than to think about toilets. Clearly the content of this blog reflects the actual substance of the blog.

She really is scraping the barrel, or toilet should I say?

[Royal Flush]

Dear Selina

Thanks for your wonderful insight into the inner-most workings of Ms. Haynes' mind.

Having read your comment, I can't help wondering whether you have actually read any of the previous entries on this blog? In my humble opinion, there are few better mainstream news sources - if any - which provide such a diverse and inventive glimpse into daily life in Iraq.

With the greatest possible respect, if you haven't got anything constructive to add to these proceedings, might I suggest that you bog off.

Sincerely yours

[L ,Bsara]

To Selina
It's easy to despise things that you don't know. Deborah is a great author who risks her life and dedicate her time to picture different aspects and things happening in Iraq . She combines a bunch of topics within one article of course ,under the main topic.Also she covers all the political events in a distinguished ,interesting and clever way.In addition ,she portrays by her writing the suffering of the people in Iraq .She is a neutral and stands by the right people.As a result ,you are not the person who despises or value Debbie's articles because you can't reach her level or character .

[Louise Guy]

Selina

We are still awaiting your response - or have you realised that it is indeed yourself who has little substance?

[L.Basra]

Hi Debbie

Please continue and write too many interesting articles .