Apathetic Fanatics

You think it's bad watching England be so spineless on TV, Nigel Henderson, our travelling fan, has to stay out there and watch them live for another two and a half Tests. Here's his latest postcard from Perth, which he concluded with this command: "If I remember rightly it's the Times Sports Christmas party tonight; may I kindly suggest you get roaring drunk because tomorrow ain't going to be pretty." Oh Nigel, I plan to.

The Austalian cricketing authorities have not been overwhelmingly welcoming to the throng of England supporters that has invaded their nation and pumped millions of dollars into the national economy, so it was nice, yesterday, to find that for once, they were on our wavelength.

I feared the worst when I looked at my second-day ticket and found that I had been posted into a section of the ground reserved for The Fanatics, the watered-down Australian version of the Barmy Army. At best there would be rampant piss-taking, as England were almost certain to throw away the advantage they had accrued on the opening day, at worst open hostility.

Thankfully, because of The Fanatics' inability to sell all their tickets (call yourself Fanatics?! More like the Moderately Interested), a large contingent of English supporters, me included, found ourselves high up in a temporary stand of an extraordinary shape that was so far from the action on the eastern side of the ground that we would have found it easier to turn round and pick a winner in the trotting race meeting in the adjacent Gloucester Park course.

Its placement was also such that we were above and behind the ground's one and only scoreboard, meaning that as English batsmen came and went with alarming speed, we could go deep into denial. Only if someone turned on his pocket radio would the reality of the situation become apparent. The action replay screen on the far side of the arena looked like an ever-changing postage stamp

It was even better for one fan sitting behind me who cleverly mislaid a contact lens as England's hopes disappeared off the radar. "I can't see a f***ing thing," he moaned as Geraint Jones plastered a wide half volley into the grateful hands of gully ten minutes before lunch, "I'm watching through one eye."

It was preferable to two.

Comments

[tasbear in Hobart]

Gee Nigel, life is tough isn't it??? Those wretched Australian cricketing authorities have not been "overwhelmingly welcoming to the throng of England supporters that has invaded their nation and pumped millions of dollars into the national economy". What do you expect ...a red carpet from venue to venue??? I haven't heard Australian fans whinge about the treatment they receive overseas and, trust me, as one of them it is far less welcoming than what you're whining about. Maybe a gig at ther Opera House for your bugler will appease you? Pity about him by the way...but I read he was told BEFORE the Brisbane Test that musical instruments were not allowed up there. Are you asking for special treatment, or something????? And I think you got the wrong end of ther stick from Deb's contribution. Her last sentence , about backpackers, more than made up for her earlier comment about one poor driver. Despite what you've heard about Earls Court, Australians overseas are not big fans of the herd instinct ...or the pack mentality ... so we don't insist on travelling together from city to city, drinking together from pub to pub, sitting together from Test to Test ...and then, when it all falls apart, sadly whining about it all because our hosts are not "welcoming". Australians love to be hospitable to foreign visitors and I have had English guests who rave about our hospitality. We will go out of our way to help people but we will not tolerate the ungrateful, unjustified rantings of a bitter few. Just what was it that you expected cricket authorities to do for you?? How can they lift their game? I heard one report that the Barmy Army was delighted with its reception in Adelaide. Still ...i guess there are Englishmen and then there are whining Poms. Into which category do you fall? Oh ...don't go into the bush because there might be a deadly snake there waiting for you. Dont go to a pub toilet because there might be a dangerous redback spider under the seat. And don't, above all, go for a swim, because the sharks are the most unwelcoming of all us. Avoid those three and you might ...just might ...have a good time.

[nigel henderson]

Blimey, there you are thinking you're writing about the ups and downs (in this case, as an England supporter, mainly downs) of a cricket tour and suddenly you're to blame for all the ills of Australia. Peter, what exactly do you expect me to find that is positive from an England perspective, because that is what I am writing from, on this tour: Monty's bowling, I'll grant you, is one; Paul Collingwood's gutsy batting another; Kevin Pietersen's brazen attempts to take the game to the Aussies in the mistaken belief that he can beat all-comers still another; and Matthew Hoggard's tireless efforts. Okay, that seems to have about covered it. There are plenty of positives from an Australian point of view, and much as I have always enjoyed Ricky Ponting's batting, in an Ashes context at least I have seen enough. I know all his shots inside out and backwards, having first seen them at Lilac Hill 12 years ago when he swatted a fifty in the opening tour game at the age of about 17.
I imagine your perspective is entirely different and good luck to you. You don't really have to worry about me as I will be joined by some Times colleagues by the time I get to Melbourne, so I'll have someone else to moan it. As for Debs is dead: in my few ventures on to the Australian roads so far I have tried to observe the rules. I've not run over any native wildlife, well not so that you'd notice (I didn't hear any bumps)or driven while under the influence of intoxicating substances. I tell you what, dear, we'll stop anyone travelling to anyone else's country in future.....that way, I won't have to got into to my local Australian theme pub in my local high street, only to be told by an Antipodean half-wit that I should bugger off to an English pub down the road!

[Peter McGuinness]

You can't get a seat.

You get a seat.

It's a bad seat.

Thanks for single handedly underwriting the Australian economy.

Would it be okay by you if we Aussies enjoyed the cricket too? Sorry about all the inconvenience.

You are becoming thoroughly wretched, Nigel. I'm worried about you.

Are you deriving any enjoyment at all from this tour? Here's an idea. How about challenging yourself to find something positive to write about?

While I enjoy following the twists and turns of your miserable journey through the hell on earth that is Australia; I crave some variety.

Good old Geoffrey seems to be having a marvelous time of it. Why don't you put his distasteful habits behind you and hang around with him a bit more often? Surely he has a handsome surplus of free grog by this stage of the tour...indulge! Let your hair(?) down mate.

Anyway, keep in touch. If things start getting too much there'll always be a helpful Aussie on hand to dry your tears and get you back on your feet.

Love your work mate.

Cheers...

[Debs is dead]

"The Austalian cricketing authorities have not been overwhelmingly welcoming to the throng of England supporters that has invaded their nation and pumped millions of dollars into the national economy"
I concede that the notion of being polite to those who spend money in your country has become 'accepted wisdom' of politicians and the media since the start of the neo-con nineties, however when one considers that the only people to really gain from their homeland being invaded by foreigners spending money are grocers and hoteliers one must congratulate the ACB for not losing sight of their masters, the Australian Sporting Public.

Can anyone think of a single place that has been improved by the invasion of thousands of 'holiday-makers'?

I can't but I can name plenty of places from Bali to Barcelona whose charm has been lost and culture defiled.

Summer has only just set in up here at the southern end of the planet and already I have had two near death experiences. One from a germanic looking couple in a rental sedan who inexplicably turned right and while doing so moved from the left hand side of the road to the right hand accelerating straight towards me, the other was the all too familiar middle aged english couple driving (well driving is really an over-statement 'ostensibly in control of' best describes the person behind the wheel) the ubiquitous white 'campervan' which is so popular amongst their ilk.

The vehicle is controlled with an underlying assumption that all other drivers will recognise that this is a 'british tourist' who must be deferred to in all matters. Hence speeding up and slowing down, turning without warning much less any form of indication accompanied by much arm waving tooting and map reading.. I got clipped by this pommie arsehole when he turned straight in front of me without any warning. Nor apology afterward either. He had no sense of personal space and kept crowding up to me while we were swapping details. This is about a month into summer and I don't live anywhere touristy, these people are like cockroaches they can turn up anywhere without warning yet demanding their needs be met by the locals who are too busy going about their business and who have been burned too many times in the past to be prepared to show hospitality to anyone sight unseen.

As one of the majority of southerners who doesn't derive any benefit whatsoever from the influx of northerners every year I can only hope that oil prices continue to rise until they get to the point where the only people who come up here are once more either the rich who don't self drive and are rather more thin on the ground than the bourgeois. More acceptable are the backpackers who generally make some sort of attempt to meld into the local community in preference to forming posses of obese loudmouths observing and criticising the community from outside.