Warne free

Nigel Henderson, the Times's very own Ebenezer Scrooge, says Bah Humbug to all this backslapping of Australia's greatest prima donna. Incidentally, fans of Nigel will be delighted that he has a website, click here

While it is undoubtedly the end of an era with the impending retirement of Shane Warne, there is a more positive angle from which to look at things: we've actually been given several more years of the prodigious leg spinner than we might have. Consider it: if Warney had seen even the majority of his appeals in Test cricket upheld he would have passed the 2,000 wicket mark some time ago and might have called it a day at 32. For his extended tenure, we can only give thanks to those umpires who had the balls not to be intimidated by his childish posturing whenever he felt that a delivery that pitched a yard outside leg stump was worth an lbw shout.

Warney, of course, has gone on record today saying that his career could not have been scripted better, with the certainty that he will claim his 700th Test scalp at his home ground in Melbourne next week. But this is where England have the chance to extract a measure of belated but cruel comfort at his expense after a lopsided series. It seems unthinkable that the legend could go wicketless at the MCG, even more so on a spinners' paradise a few days later in Sydney, but if he should, would he be able to bow out stuck on 699?

England's tactics should be simple and precise: don't get out to Warne. Even if it means gifting a wicket to Ricky Ponting or some other minor asteroid in the Australian bowling solar system, being run out in more foolish fashion than Ian Bell at Adelaide, retiring hurt, or being timed out. Sod the result, just the think of the joy it would bring to the Barmy Army. Trumpets would blow, I am sure.

Of course, I am not being entirely serious, but with Warne and Glenn McGrath set to call it a day, the remaining Tests risk being an anti-climactic Australian love-in: and following the trend in this series, we will no doubt see endless re-runs of their achievements on the giant screens accompanied by some suitably crass music. I can already hear The Young Divas warming up in the wings.

In truth I'll be sad to see the blond larrikin go; goodness knows how, when it had been a dead art in the British Isles even before Robin Hobbs stepped off the cricket stage, but when I started playing I wanted to be a leg-spin bowler. I even know the joy, performed in under-12 school cricket, of bowling a right-handed batsman round his legs from round the wicket. Many young players apparently have the skill at a tender age but it is either coached out of them or they just lose it: think Mike Atherton and Nasser Hussain. I can only think my role model, as a Surrey supporter in the 1970s, must have been Intikhab Alam, of Pakistan, but for every wicket he got at the Oval, he would have to trade more than his fair share of hits into the neighbouring gasometer.

Intikhab was a joy to watch, simply for his uniqueness, and like Warne, he could smash a mean cricket ball over mid-wicket. But he was a kindly spinner, not liable to intimidate like the Australian, not able to strike fear into his opponents - and their supporters.

And I suppose the best way to understand Warne's ability is that throughout the present series, I have felt stone cold terror in the pit of my stomach as soon as he has come on to bowl. I knew that, one or two players excepted, he was ultimately going to be too good for us. It has meant I have not always, of late, appreciated his monumental skill, but winning a Test match against Australia will probably never mean quite as much when he has gone.

Comments

[Peter McGuinness]

Mikey and Bakes...

Too right to all of that.

We love to 'hate' the Poms, but at least they've got a sense of humour, and a sense of reality! The Poms are twice the team South Africa is on (probably) and off (definitely) the field.

Like Duncan Fletcher, South African cricketers seem to think that because something is said, then it is automatically reality. Aggression is best delivered, not articulated. They'd be better served by working on their cricket game rather than on their 'mind' games.

The latter cannot precede the former without acute embarrassment.

[Michael Baker]

Funny article, Patrick, particularly about the idea of Warne being stuck at 699. But the fatal premise is that England's batsmen are capable of not getting out to him.

Fletcher's trash-talking after Brisbane ("Our batsmen are playing him quite well") has backfired spectacularly. I'll never cease to be amazed how much highly motivating (for the Australians) trash-talk has been directed at their players over recent years. The English players themselves have generally been very good at keeping their tongues from wagging but the non-players (Botham, Fletcher & Co.) couldn't have done more for Australia's chances if they had have been hired on to Oz's professional staff.

The South Africans are also great at it: the vitriolic outbursts of mouthy but hugely untalented cricketers like Graeme Smith, Boucher, and Andre Nel have helped drive Australian cricket to new heights. May they continue, and Australia won't be needing Shane Warne to help win test matches.

[Peter McGuinness]

Nigel,

That is nowhere near as acidic as I thought it would be. A lot of people I know were also anticipating a fully fledged baking, stacked with really big words.

So good on you for your restraint.

Also, I'm in the uncomfortable position of being in complete agreement with you regarding the Young Divas.

Maybe they'll do things backward and now make a soapie based upon nothing, which becomes widly successful in the UK. For your sake, I hope not. Patrick would probably watch it though.

[mikey]

Yep, Warnie is a tool. A larrikin, a yob, a lout and he appeals too much.

And I think that's why Australians love him. He's not perfect. He has the failings we all have. He's one of us but simply has an immense skill. If he were perfect, we'd want to tear him down simply because he's better than us. Australians hate pomposity and a supposedly perfect character must be pompous because humans are simply not perfect.

Yeah, he's often embarrased us but at least he doesn't try to be anything other than what he is. That sort of simple honesty is highly valued in Australia.

And admit it, if he were playing for England you too, would forget about all those failings in a heartbeat.