Line and Length - Times Online - WBLG

How bad is Flintoff?

A colleague at The Times berates me for describing Andrew Flintoff as England's "worst one-day captain". Notwithstanding that my friend is a Lancashire supporter, he argues that Flintoff is only numerically the worst (ten defeats in 11 matches) and that the problem is with the whole team, which is fair enough, although Flintoff's body language, leadership and strategies have seemed woeful at times this winter. Arguing whether England would have played better this winter under Michael Vaughan, Andrew Strauss or Basil Brush is only a matter of conjecture.

But who was England's worst one-day captain? Dredging my memories (only back as far as David Gower I'm afraid) and the Cricinfo database, I came up with the following subjective leaderboard from the past 20 years. World Cup success counts heavily, while failure in the biggest tournament counts worse than losing friendlies to Zimbabwe. Do you agree? Click 'comments' below to share your views.

1. Mike Gatting (p37, won 26). Unquestionably England's best one-day captain. Didn't just win the Ashes in 1986-87, he also won the triangular series that winter and should have won the World Cup final nine months later. We won't mention that it was his batting lapse that cost us
2. Graham Gooch (p50, won 24). It came in streaks: won his first four, then lost seven on the trot, won nine in a row on the way to the 1992 World Cup final but lost his last five
3. Michael Vaughan (p50, won 26). Won half his matches against Australia and tied in final of NatWest Series in 2005. Won the same series with South Africa in 2003 and reached the final of the Champions Trophy in 2004. Only needs a good World Cup to become No 1
4. David Gower (played 24, won 10). Beat India, the world champions, 4-1 away in 1984-85
5. Nasser Hussain (p56, won 28). Another one to have a poor World Cup, albeit overshadowed by Zimbabwe politics in 2003. Eleven of the wins were against Zimbabwe. Lost all seven games against Australia
6. Adam Hollioake (p14, won 6). Won first five games as England won the trophy in Sharjah, their only silverware in the period. Lost nine of the next ten
7. Marcus Trescothick (p10, won 5). No consistency but did at least compete in Pakistan
8. Andrew Strauss (p13, won 4). Beaten 5-0 by Sri Lanka but drew with Pakistan
9. Allan Lamb (p4, won 1). Great one-day player, poor captain
10. John Emburey (p4, won 2). Captain in Sharjah
11. Mike Atherton (p43, won 20). No logic. Lost to Zimbabwe 3-0 but beat Australia by the same score in 1997. Horrid World Cup in 1996
12. Norman Gifford (p2, won 0). Captain aged 44 in Sharjah tournament in 1985
13. Graham Thorpe (p3, won 0). Lost three times, heavily, in Sri Lanka
14. Andrew Flintoff (p11, won 1). How on earth did we manage to beat West Indies in the Champions Trophy? Never controlled a game. If he doesn't win one of the next two, I think he should fall below the most hapless, who is...
15. Alec Stewart (p41, won 15). Twice lost six matches in a row and was at the helm during the disastrous home World Cup in 1999 when pay deals seemed more important than winning

Oppo watch (3)

Oh dear, more bad news for England. Kenya, who are in the same World Cup pool as England and New Zealand, recorded their second easy victory in the ICC World Cricket League today, beating Holland by seven wickets and with 18 overs in hand after bowling them out for 131. Kenya, of course, have more experience of playing in the latter stages of World Cups than England over the past three tournaments...

On the plus side, Canada, England's other World Cup opponents, fell to a second loss, being beaten by seven runs by Scotland.

Oppo watch (2)

Better news for England comes from Nairobi, where Canada have been walloped by Holland in the ICC World Cricket League. The Canadians, one of England's group rivals in the World Cup, made 200 but could not defend the total. Holland won by eight wickets and with 15 overs in hand. The star man for the Dutch was Ryan Ten Doeschate, the Essex all-rounder who took four for 31 and made 37 not out. If only "Dustcart", as he is known at Essex, had applied to be an Englishman...

On a roll

Another day, another loss. Nice to see all the England batsmen make starts even if Joyce was the only one actually to build an innings. Strauss is the one who concerns me in this post, however. That was the twelfth innings in a row where he made double figures, but his highest innings in the six matches this series is 28. By contrast, his six previous innings accrued 50, 78, 35, 10, 56 and 50. He clearly has difficuly concentrating for more than a handful of overs. Is the pressure getting to him, or the lack of responsibility, or perhaps he just keeps on having bad luck (stumped off a wide today, for example)? I'm more worried by him consistently doing OK but not brilliantly than I am by players who never ignite at all. At least you can justify dropping them.

I'd rather Strauss was captain in the absence of Vaughan, but there is something gruesomely compelling about watching Flintoff captain, like seeing a heavyweight boxer get his face pounded for 12 rounds in a row without going down. Flintoff has now lost 10 of his 11 matches as one-day captain and seven of his 11 Tests. If Vaughan doesn't recover, and assuming Flintoff keeps the captaincy for the remaining two matches in this series, he will need to lose both of them to match Alec Stewart as England's "losingest" one-day captain. Stewie twice led England to six successive defeats. Freddie had six in a row at the start of his one-day captaincy career but then somehow concocted a win over West Indies to break the sequence.

(photo: Reuters)

Oppo watch (part 1)

Only six weeks to go until the World Cup starts (can you wait? yep, me too) and time to catch up on how England's group rivals are faring. We now know more than enough about New Zealand, sadly. How we laughed when they were stuffed by Australia in their first game of this triangular series, but now they are starting to give Ponting's men a game, while doling out regular thrashings to England.

Enough about them, to progress to the quarter-finals England will have to beat Canada and Kenya, who are playing in something called the ICC World Cricket League, a tournament for minor one-day countries (why weren't we invited?). In the first match, in Nairobi today, Kenya demolished Bermuda by ten wickets with 32 overs to spare, which sounds daunting but apparently Bermuda are not much cop and relied on a half-century from a 37-year-old to reach 133.

Kenya have many of the familiar names who surprisingly took them to the semi-finals of the last World Cup (Tikolo, Shah, Odoyo and two lots of Obuya) but there is also a new promising left-arm spinner in Hiren Viraiya, who took two for 13 in ten overs.

Canada play their first game against Holland tomorrow. Report to follow.

England strengthen position as world No 2

Actually, that's a disingenuous headline. The gap between England, in second place in the world Test rankings, and the chasing pack has widened to six points but that is down to Pakistan losing their series in South Africa last weekend. With no Tests until May because of the World Cup, England will remain as officially the second best side on the planet for at least five more months, but having whitewashed West Indies last time they were here, England must not slip up this summer.

In the LG ICC individual rankings, Mohammad Asif has taken only nine Tests to reach 49 wickets and stampede into the top ten for the first time, a rare bright spot for Pakistan after losing a low-scoring series 2-1. Asif moves to No 8 in a bowling list headed by Muttiah Muralitharan. In the batting table, Younis Khan drops four places despite scoring the most runs for Pakistan in the series (226 at an average of 45). Graeme Smith, despite scoring only 167 runs in six innings, moves up five places to No 17. That's statistics for you.

Comeback kings

Maybe instead of cavorting with pop stars and glamour girls, the England team ought to settle down with a video of the Ranji Trophy semi-final last week between Baroda and Bombay. Then they might understand the concept of "never say die". In the five-day match, Bombay had gained a first-innings lead of 91 but were skittled at the start of their second innings by Irfan Pathan and Rakesh Patel. Halfway through the fourth over they were nought for five (yes, that is five wickets down for no runs) and the sixth wicket fell with the score only on 17.

Undaunted, Vinayak Samant, the wicketkeeper, started to turn things around with the tail, making 66 himself as Bombay dragged their total to 145 and then bowled Baroda out for 173 - victory for Bombay by 63 runs. What guts! The other semi-final was no less tortuous as Karnataka, bowled out for 89 in their first innings, made 455 second time round to set Bengal a testing target of 307, which they made with six wickets in hand thanks to Manoj Tiwary's unbeaten 151.

Thanks to Rod Gilmour for flagging this story up.

Show some heart!

Nigel Henderson, our long-suffering fan Down Under, is getting fed up with England's attitude - but he has been watching every wayward ball, every mis-stroke and every fluffed piece of fielding for more than two months now. Here's his latest postcard:

I had an unusual reaction when I read Andrew Flintoff's response to England's latest debacle - the Australia Day surrender at Adelaide. "In the dressing-room, the lads are bitterly disappointed," he said, trying to defend the indefensible. But, for once, I didn't really believe him. I had this vision of the team sitting around beneath their pegs, amid discarded pads, bats and abdominal protectors, heads bowed in shame, staring balefully at the floor, no one daring to utter a word. Until one of them, just one of them, mind, flicks his vision upwards, scans the faces of his team-mates and manages to catch the eye of another - and that is when the tension of all the preceding months tumbles out. For the other allows a tiny smirk to emerge at the corner of his lips, which his watching team-mate cannot ignore. In an instant, the smile has transferred across the room and, before long, the joke is transmitted to the rest, the whole group becoming consumed with laughter of the type that spreads contagiously among naughty schoolboys after they have received a minor ticking-off from their headmaster.

When England were good

After the shocking spectacle of a close one-day international this morning (unsurprisingly not featuring England), Sky showed highlights of the 2005 NatWest Series final between England and Australia at Lord's. What a match that was: both sides recovering from early collapses (Australia 93-5, England 33-5) to set up a thrilling conclusion and that rare bird, a tied match. It was a privilege to be at Lord's that day to see Mike Hussey make an unbeaten 62 (why, oh why, was he not in the Test side in 2005?) and Steve Harmison bowl with aggression and accuracy. Most shockingly, the man of the match was Geraint Jones, who made 71 and almost took England to victory. Whatever happened to him?

A matter of honour

I see that Stuart Law, the former Queensland captain who now plays for Lancashire, has been awarded the Medal of the Order of Australia in the Australia Day Honours List. Is this a symbol of recognition for one of Australia's greatest non Test-playing batsmen (he was picked once, made 54 against Sri Lanka and never played again) or yet another dig at the English?

England, you will recall, scattered MBEs and OBEs over all their Ashes-winners in 2005, yet Australia have resisted the urge to give a single gong to any of the players who won this year's series 5-0. Not that Ricky Ponting, Andrew Symonds or the like would have accepted them anyway. Those guys play for pride rather than adulation. As one of our commenters wisely wrote on this blog some time ago, "England should be more than just a tattoo".

Is it just possible that in giving an honour to a cricketer who was a Test reject and who has actually renounced Australia to become a British citizen, Australia is laughing at the England team's expense? If so, knock it off guys. It's not funny. And is there any chance Law could make himself available for England's World Cup squad?

Over already?

See, the great thing about these day-night matches Down Under is that they give us shivering Poms a chance to watch some cricket. Because frankly I'm not going to repeat my 2am vigils of the Test series for a game of one-day cricket. So, knowing that the latest match on England's tour of hell was due to start late, I planned to get up in time to watch the second set of 50 overs.

Little did I realise that the match would be wrapped up in 59 overs as England collapsed to possibly their most humbling defeat of a pretty humble tour. Liam Plunkett finally got a game and with a duck and nought for 39 showed that he had been observing his team-mates closely during his long spell on the sidelines. At least he has a court appearance for drink-driving when he gets back to England to look forward to.

Today was Australia Day, apparently, but isn't every day Australia Day?

Sigh, here we go again...

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. Time has been taken up editing The Times's Six Nations rugby handbook (out February 3, reserve your copy etc etc). I did get a chance to watch England bat, if you can call it that, this morning in the ODI against New Zealand. How depressing, just when we think this tour can't get worse, it slumps again.

"That wasn't a 120 all out pitch," said Andrew Flintoff with his usual post-match profundity. Is there ever such a thing in top-level cricket? The point is that yet again England suffered from a lack of accumulators in the side. They really could do with Michael Vaughan there just to give a steady hand on the tiller. Losing three wickets in the first 11 overs is not acceptable, not when you are only chasing 211.

When lions roared

The press went to town on Muhammad Ali's 65th birthday on Wednesday, but you will find little in the papers today about the 200th anniversary of the birth of one of cricket's great characters. Alfred Mynn, known as the Lion of Kent, was born in Twisden on January 19, 1807, and played as big a part in the development of the game at the start of the 19th century as WG Grace did to the end.

A similarly big man - believed to weigh up to 20 stone and standing more than six feet tall - Mynn was regarded as an all-rounder in those lower-scoring days, although his batting average of 13.42 from 212 first-class matches barely catches the eye. His bowling average, taking 1,036 wickets at an average of little more than 10, is more notable and he is reckoned to have summoned up great pace from only a four-step run-up.

Mynn also inadvertently contributed to the invention of leg guards for batsmen. In 1836, a year after the legalisation of round-arm bowling, he made a hundred at Leicester for the South vs the North but, having injured an ankle in warming up, was rapped so often on his legs by a paceman called Samuel Redgate that one leg became immensely inflamed.

England lose

Discussions about England's match against Australia this morning are irrelevant. All that matters this tour is doing less badly than New Zealand. England were sensibly just conserving themselves for their next battle with Stephen Fleming's side. When you think about it, it is rather sporting that Australia actually made a game of it.

Nice to see Mal Loye do ok-ish on his debut. I'd have preferred to have seen Bopara in the side than Dalrymple, who did well with the bat but wasn't given a bowl. Bopara is a very good death bowler, capable of taking two or three cheap wickets when batsmen are looking for runs. I suppose in the circumstances of this match, though, death came a bit too quickly.

Carnage in St John's Wood

Barely has English cricket started to recover from being ripped apart by Ricky Ponting's side, the home of the game has also come under violent attack today. The 80mph winds that swept through London tore off part of the roof of the Tavern Stand at Lord's (on the right of the picture) and sent debris scattering on to passing cars. One car was enveloped in a large section of the roof and the driver was taken to hospital for treatment for shock. A tree in the Harris Memorial Gardens, behind the Pavilion, was also blown down. But it will take much more than this for upper lips to start twitching in MCC.

The A Team

The ECB has announced the team who will back up Ken Schofield in the task force to discover how to regain the Ashes and be something more than hopeless at one-day cricket. No room for Dirk Benedict and Mr T, but the ECB A Team does feature: Nasser Hussain, Nick Knight, Angus Fraser, Hugh Morris, Mickey Stewart and Brian Rose. A good blend of experience there and hopefully they can concoct an unanodyne report.

I feel the key man could be Hussain, who has shown shrewd intellect as captain of England and as a journalist. England's revival from being the worst team in the world to a side capable of competing for the Ashes started under him; Michael Vaughan added the gloss. Hussain has a reputation for speaking his mind, not allowing compacency or triumphalism and for organisation. He would not have tolerated the background shambles that accompanied this Ashes tour.

It is a shame that there is no space for a proper journalist, one who could offer a less intimate but expert view, someone like Matthew Engel, Scyld Berry or our own illustrious CMJ.

The race issue

I thought that Chris Broad, the match referee for the Pakistan/South Africa Test in Centurion, might shed some light on the Herschelle Gibbs racism controversy when he posted an entry today on his Cricket World weblog. Sadly, he doesn't add much and until we hear the full range of Gibbs's intelligent opinions, we will never be able to judge whether he was being racist or just thick.

I'm not convinced that calling fans "a bunch of bloody animals" is racist, even if they are of a different race to you. Alf Ramsey, famously, called the Argentina footballers "animals" after their World Cup quarter-final with England in 1966, but that was after the Argentinians had tried every foul means in the book, including spitting, hair-yanking and blatant hacking. Ramsey may have put it in a more diplomatic way, but it was hardly racism and some would say he had a fair point.

Flintoff returns

Despite The Times (and indeed most other newspapers) predicting that Andrew Strauss would be given the England captaincy in the absence of Michael Vaughan, Andrew Flintoff has just been announced as Vaughan's replacement. A shame, I feel, after showing how well he can perform when freed from the burden in the last match.

I know I'm over-keen on statistics sometimes, but just consider the following: Flintoff as captain won two and lost seven Tests out of 11 and won one ODI out of seven. Strauss as captain won three and drew one of his four Tests and won four of his 12 ODIs (still fairly poor). And even ignoring that, just look at the manner in which England play under Strauss compared with under Flintoff. Strauss can lift men, Flintoff should concentrate only on lifting himself.

England win!

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen. England edge a streaky victory over New Zealand by three wickets and with one ball remaining. Hallelujah, knighthoods all round, someone start warming up the open-top bus etc etc. Or maybe we should just be thankful that we've broken the duck and get on with turning this pitiful tour into something a bit more memorable.

The hero was Andrew Flintoff, who made 72 and even had the luck to be caught off a no-ball. See, I knew that all we had to do was get rid of that trouble-maker Pietersen and everything would be ok.

The zero men

Twelve matches down, seven to go before we can pass judgment on whether this has been the least successful England tour in history or just a very disappointing one. England have had Ashes disasters in the past but they have never gone through an entire tour without at least one win.

With England looking even less likely of winning a one-day international than they were of taking a Test victory, it seems doubtful that they can open their account in the three remaining one-day matches with Australia or the four with New Zealand, the first of which is tomorrow.

How to win

I've got it. Australia won the Ashes because they made two changes to the 2005 side, bringing in Stuart Clark for Jason Gillespie and Mike Hussey for Simon Katich. What do they have in common? They were both past 30 when they made their Test debut. Therefore, England have only to pick someone a year before the next series who was born in 1978 or thereabouts, give them a few Tests to get their eye in, and then watch them wreak havoc on Australia in 2009. Easy.

Who, though? Those of the right age who may yet have good Test careers, like Owais Shah and Rob Key, have already been picked for Tests. We want someone who has never been in the frame but who clearly has talent. How about Paul Franks, the fast bowler from Notts (born 1979), who played one ODI in 2000 but was injured for most of the next six years? Or David "Jumble" Sales, pictured, the Northants captain (1977) who surely has to live up to his teenage talent at some point? Or Luke Sutton (1976), the Lancashire wicketkeeper? Remember, you read this witless optimism here first.

The joy of six

Not happy with winning the Ashes 5-0, it now appears that Australia want to win the next home series 6-0. When the Ashes next head Down Under in 2010-11 there may be a sixth Test in Hobart to go with the five traditional venues. Is this a good thing? Only if it is a tight series, I suppose. Cricket Australia will have no difficulty in selling tickets for a sixth Test, but although the fourth and fifth Tests were still eagerly anticipated this winter, there was a nasty air of anti-climax hanging over them.

England will have power of veto over the idea, however, and given Duncan Fletcher's open dislike of cricketers actually playing cricket (I know he gets all the rap, but he's paid to take it) it seems doubtful that England will want a longer tour. They'll have to ask their wives first, although these days that appears not to matter as women and children follow their men every step of the way, as Rod Gilmour reports on his blog.

All black in Australia

Hurrah, it is not just England who get pulverised by Australia. New Zealand, who had the second best record in one-day cricket in 2006, also got walloped this morning. I pity the Australians, it must be terribly boring to be so good all the time...

Anyway, Nigel Henderson, our travelling fan, has been dragging his girlfriend round various godforsaken corners of Australasia in quest of an England victory and he sends this latest postcard in about our next opponents:

"Sitting by the dock of the bay, wasting time... well, waiting until the little yellow water taxi arrived to return me to my accommodation across the Derwent River and south of Hobart, I was joined by two New Zealand fans, fresh from defeat at the hands of the mighty Australians.

Pietersen's out

New format of cricket, new captain, new bowlers, new wicketkeeper, and what looks disturbingly like the same result in the first match of the one-day series. As I type Australia need about three runs an over with two wickets down to win, and no I didn't get up at 3am to watch the start.

Two things to comment on: first, congratulations to whoever designed the new Australia one-day kit, a deep myrtle green with flashes of yellow, reminiscent of the Springboks' rugby shirt and much nicer than either the canary outfit they have been wearing or the grey number they put on for the Twenty20.

The other news is that Kevin Pietersen, while making 82, was hit by Glenn McGrath and suffered a fractured rib. He will be out for the rest of the series but should be fit for the World Cup. "Not what England will have wanted," says Ian Botham, speaking the bleeding obvious on Sky. In a way it is no bad thing, however; it will force some of the other batsmen to play the lead role, which they have too meekly left to KP. Maybe Ed Joyce will take his place, or Owais Shah or Mal Loye, who is "playing just down the road in New Zealand" says Botham, the modern Magellan. Beefy then wonders whether we could ask Damien Martyn if he fancies a game, now that he has turned his back on Australia.

Boucher the Poucher

The blogosphere has calmed down for a few days as the post-Ashes gloom starts to lift and the pre-World Cup gloom begins to descend on England. With a brief break before the triangular one-day series begins, time to visit South Africa where the Proteas started a Test series with Pakistan today. If the series continues as it has begun, we could be in for a treat: Pakistan are 242 for five at the close of the first day, one of those nicely balanced days of Test cricket that we longed for in Australia. If they were England, we'd be worried about them being all out for 300 by lunchtime tomorrow, but with the great bear, Inzamam-ul-Haq, and babyface Kamran Akmal at the crease, anything could happen.

How to get a head

Nigel Henderson does more than just mope about the Ashes, he also gets his fingers dirty with historical research, as this latest essay from our travelling fan reveals...

There has been plenty of debate over where the Ashes' resting place should be after Australia's comprehensive victory over England but readers may be less acquainted with the strange tale of the ownership of John Shinnal's head.

Twentysomething

I left the match with England 68 for five. Sometimes life is too short even for Twenty20. The problem with this form of the game is that if you stumble early on, there is no time to make amends. The game was over just eight balls into England's run chase when they reached five for two. Australia, by contrast, built partnerships of 28, 69, 26 and 26 as they composed a formidable total.

Of course this hit and giggle doesn't matter (and nor would it if England had won) but it is a disturbing reminder of how tricky it is to bring down a stampeding Australia. Oh well, only a maximum of 11 more one-day matches this tour.

Nigel's Alive!

We have received literally several messages of concern about Nigel Henderson, our travelling supporter, who went missing in Sydney the day before the final day of the final Test. His mother and his legions of fans will be relieved to learn that he has now made contact and sends these words:

"It was, I'm afraid, a combination of knowing we were going to lose before lunch and a steaming hangover after a night on the tiles that did for me. I did come round in time to see KP snick his second ball of the day to an innocuous delivery from the Pidgeon on telly. And it was downhill from there. I don't think I could have faced the Aussie love-in afterwards...bloody hell, even cricketers have to bring their kids on; what is it,  some celebration of new-manhood!?  Papers here now full of Shane and Simone and Parky's TV interview...sure you'll be copping loads of it over there."

Why England lost

My colleague Matthew Syed wrote a piece yesterday that said we are all missing the point, that England lost the Ashes not because of poor captaincy, selection or lack of preparation but because Australia were better than us. Those of us who look at factors other than pure statistics, he says, "lack perspective".

Up to a point, he is right. We should never ignore the fact that Australia are much better than England and that they came out of the blocks faster and hit us harder than we could do to them. We were beaten by a better side and this blog has never failed to praise the brilliance of those pesky Aussies. But Matthew is wrong to say that we should just consider the numbers.

Out of Africa

Meanwhile, elsewhere on Planet Cricket, a fascinating match is reaching a crescendo in Cape Town. Third Test between South Africa and India, series level at 1-1, India make 414, SA respond with 373 but then go berserk with Dale Steyn taking four wickets to bowl India out for 169. Chasing a target of 211, South Africa, with Pollock as nightwatchman, are 100 for two half an hour into the final day.

If you are anywhere near a TV showing this match, I suggest you watch it instead of moping/celebrating the Ashes. This is a reminder to all of us of how much fun cricket can be when both teams, to use a favourite banal phrase of Duncan Fletcher, "put their hands up and come to the party".

Boycott's catty remark

Not everyone in England will be upset by England's 5-0 capitulation in the Ashes. Geoffrey Boycott's cat will soon be the beneficiary of an OBE after the former England and Yorkshire captain vented his spleen during the fifth Test in Sydney.

Boycott questioned the decision to award the entire England squad MBEs for winning the Ashes in 2005 only to see the majority of those players produce such poor performances in Australia: "People like me played 100 Test matches to get one, and [scored] 8,000 [runs]," Boycott said. "I didn't play five Test matches and get one.

"I feel so bad about mine I'm going to tie it round my cat. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It's a joke."

However, Boycott did identify a few players who he felt deserved their gongs: "Andrew Flintoff, who's a super player, Marcus Trescothick who's played a lot of Tests and done well, Michael Vaughan as the winning captain. But every Tom, Dick or Harry?"

Henderson MIA

From David Townsend, live at the the scene with the Barmy Army and comforting the Times's travelling fan, Nigel Henderson

In the end, poor old Nigel couldn't face it. He had sat through the opening humiliation in Brisbane, endured the agony of Adelaide, only missed one day in Perth and stayed to the very end (of Day Three) in Melbourne... but the final act was too much for him.

View from the sofa - the final day of the series?

01.17am: Hayden hits a huge six to level the scores then has a long chat with Langer about what to do next. Will he let Langer hit the winning runs? "If I was Langer I'd say hit the ball out of the ground again and let's get a beer," says Ian Botham. Instead, Hayden nudges a single and Langer runs down the field, arms spread in celebration, to complete a single before giving his best mate a huge hug.

So that's that. 5-0 to Australia in comprehensive style. There are hugs all round on the outfield as the rest of the side comes out to celebrate. It was hardly unexpected that Australia should win today - we had a meeting in the office yesterday to plan The Times's post-mortem coverage, which will be appearing on the website and in the paper over the next couple of days - but for them to win in the manner they did this morning was completely in keeping with the passionate and professional way they have approached this series.

I'll post a more thorough report in the morning after a few hours' sleep, but before I go I should thank the various friends who have kept me company this series, not only in person but all those new virtual friends who have left comments on this blog. To the Australians, thank you for (in the main) your sympathy. You have a great team. To the English, well, er, ho-hum.

Anyway, this blog hasn't finished just because the Ashes are over. There's a Twenty20 international next week, and some one-day matches, and a World Cup, and the County Championship... Long may cricket rule over us.

View from the sofa - day 3

Close of play: I'd been too sporting earlier, expressing regret that the "dream" of Warne making a hundred in his last match hadn't come off. Well stuff his dreams, what about ours? It looks almost a dead certainty now that England will lose this Test in four days and the Ashes will close with a whimper after yet another spineless display by the England batsmen. They look as if they want this to be over and done with - perhaps having had two days off in Melbourne they want another early cut here so they can go to the zoo or whatever with their families.

There is such little pride on display in this team. The game was well poised when Symonds was out last night but Warne - who else? - knocked the stuffing out of England with his exuberant batting and the match was over as a contest. I've tried to stay positive all series, but this is just too depressing. The only bright spot has been the magnanimity, by and large, of Line and Length's Australian commenters. As one said: "I prefer to save emasculating smashings for the insufferable South Africans, and have good contests with you bastards." Sorry, guys, maybe we'll show some heart in 2009.

View from the sofa, day 2

Close of play: Australia end day 2 on 188 for four. Technically this should be a weaker position than when England ended day 1 on 234 for four, but I fear Australia will use this as a platform to make 400, as England should have done. So much depends on whether Mr Cricket and Mr, er, Roy stick around in the morning. England can draw some positives from the way they bowled, particularly Harmison and Anderson.

Calling Andrew Symonds "Mr Roy" rang a sudden bell and a quick Google search came up with this gem of a song. Saved by Mr Roy reached No 24 in the charts in 1995 and featured a sample of the famous Soul Limbo BBC cricket theme tune. I can't make iTunes or other audio work in the office, but if you get a chance to download it, I'd recommend it. Well it was cool when I was 19 anyway.

View from the sofa, final Test

Close of play: a good-bad day for England. I didn't quite wake to the 220 all out scenario I had feared but 234 for four is no more than a platform. Pietersen and Bell will be frustrated that they didn't kick on to three figures, one or both of Collingwood and Flintoff must do so if England are to post a good enough total to win the match. Nice to see Flintoff batting with his former freedom and control, might it be anything to do with Pietersen moving up the order and away from his captain? It promises to be a fascinating day tomorrow.

Barmy talk

Nigel Henderson, our travelling fan, has finally had enough of his fellow Brits. Here is his latest postcard from Sydney

Everyone has been trying to target those responsible for England's dreadful Ashes defence - and a long and impressive list it is too: Duncan Fletcher (too cautious),  Kevin Pietersen (too selfish), Geraint Jones (too useless) and Andrew Flintoff (too northern, or something like that). But it seems to me that one group has got off scot-free: the Barmy Army.

Groundsman predicts typical SCG pitch

  The SCG groundsman, Tom Parker, declared that he has produced a "typical" pitch for the fifth Test against England. "A complete coverage of grass, with some good, consistent bounce and, naturally enough, after the third day you'll see some turn and spin coming into the game," he said.

Langer announces retirement

  The Sydney Test will be Justin Langer's last. The West Australian, 36, who has played 104 Tests, announced his retirement at the end of the Ashes series after the Australians had completed their practice session at the SCG on New Year's morning.