What's in a name?

Times Online did a list this week of the 50 wackiest names that celebrities have given their children (we like to poke fun at celebrities because they have more money and flatter stomachs than us). Among some fairly unusual and rather cruel names to foist upon a child (Jazz Domino Strummer, say), one very sensibly stood out: "Atherton Grace Johnson", son (I'm guessing here) of Don Johnson and someone called Kelley Phleger.

What's wrong with naming your child after one of England's few success stories of the barren 1990s and the greatest all-rounder of the 19th century? Perhaps Johnson had been watching repeats of Mike Atherton's 185 not out in South Africa when Mrs J went into Labour. And maybe the midwife had a beard, giving him the idea for the other name.

When Mrs Kidd ever gets round to producing me a son and heir, I'll be naming him "Jardine Laker Ranatunga Kidd". Unless it's a girl, in which case I'll go for the more sensible "Compton Ranjitsinjhi Hammond Kidd".

Comments

Forget it!

[Peter McGuinness]

Ummm Patrick...

Ranatunga.

Are you simply testing to see whether anyone is reading?

If you name you child Ranatunga, you can bet that he will:

a) Be pushed around in a pram until age 18 as he will refuse to run

b) Be more portly than you

c) suffer colic, bedwetting and teething difficulty to such an extent that he never stops crying and whining right up into his 40s

d) Never stop giving you, Mrs Kidd and everyone else on Earth advice.

e) Believe that he is being victimised in every game he plays from marbles to monopoly

f) Disregard all laws or rules in the Kidd household

g) Invent all the laws and rules in the Kidd household

h) NEVER RETAIN A DUMMY IN HIS MOUTH FOR MORE THAN 3 SECONDS

One would think that 'Warne' or 'Pietersen' would even come into contention first?

In any case, it is apparent that you spend far too much time with Knick and Mathew for the prerequisite marital exercise to happen in the first place. Perhaps that is a good thing, considering the name you've chosen for the poor little tike...

[Will Luke]

For a girl, I'm going for Pushpakamara Metson Luke and for a boy, Fraser Waugh Flipper Luke

"Hi Patrick. Would Jardine Laker Ranatunga like to play with Pushpakamara Metson next Wednesday?"

It's got to happen. On similar lines...I imagine Pietersen and Jessica (??) will produce something vile. The name, that is. "Woodworm"?

He or she will no doubt have the three lions tattooed, hours after birth, and "I hate the South African rota system" emblazoned on its back. Or "proud to be a Kolpak".