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Bloody-minded Boycott

The death yesterday of Anthony Clare, the radio psychiatrist, brought back memories of the time when Geoffrey Boycott appeared on Clare's show In the Psychiatrist's Chair. Unlike most of the guests, who are quite happy to unburden their feelings and fears, Boycott persistently stonewalled Clare's questions, keeping out every probing attempt as if it were a yorker from Jeff Thomson.

Clare began by asking Boycott bluntly, "Why did you agree to put your complex personality in the psychiatrist's chair?" To which Boycott replied: "Because I was asked to do so by the publishers [of his latest book]." "Did you have any particular interest in the whole idea?" Clare said. "No," said Boycott, who went on to say that he didn't trust the views of anyone on any subject unless they could bat, adding that when anyone said "good luck" to him, he would reply that it was nothing to do with luck and all to do with ability.

Clare later said that "I thought no man was an island until I met Geoffrey Boycott."

You can read a transcript of the interview here, including Boycott's illuminating views on women. "Stay away from them," his mother told him. "They get you into trouble."

Bottoms up, MacGill!

Australians know a thing or two about winning, and also about whining to judge the reaction to their rugby World Cup defeat, but it now appears that they are experts on wining as well. Stuart MacGill, the man who has spent the past decade waiting for Shane Warne's shoulder to pop out in order to get a bowl, is to present a series on booze in December on the Australian LifeStyle FOOD TV channel.

Sandwiched between such British staples on the network as Nigella Bites, Escape to River Cottage and Ainslie's Barbeque Bible, Stuart MacGill Uncorked will tell "the story of Australian wine today through a new generation of young winemakers and how they're influencing and shaping the local wine scene. Stuart will also meet local food producers, chefs and wine lovers and soak up that unique ambience that only the enjoyment of wine creates."

Well it beats getting sloshed in a Melbourne bar until the early hours with Freddie and Beefy.

MacGill was given support by Warne in the Aussie press this morning in his quest to gain the spinner's place for Australia's Test series against Sri Lanka, which starts next week. "He deserves his chance and hopefully he grabs it,'' Warne said of his former team-mate who has taken 198 Test wickets. "He is one of those guys that will raise his level in a Test."

In fronting a food and drink series, MacGill is following in the footsteps of other Australia cricketers. Matthew Hayden has written a couple of cookery books, while Andrew Symonds is the pin-up boy for Bacon Busters, a magazine dedicated to his favourite hobby of hunting wild pigs.

Nel needs a new sledge

Simon Taufel may make John Major look recklessly fun-loving, but even the smirkfree Australian umpire has his boredom thresholds and they, apparently, include Andre Nel's lack of imagination in the sledging stakes. Taufel recently complained to Graeme Smith, Nel's captain, that he was bored by the repeated one-liner that the fast bowler was using to batsmen.

Taufel said: "Andre unfortunately only had one line that he was dishing out to Shoaib Malik and the boys so it got a bit monotonous there. We just had a chat to Andre and said to Graeme Smith, 'Well, look he's only traipsing out one line, it's getting a bit boring'."

I know that Andre is a keen reader of Line and Length, although judging from his comments he is a bit repetitive on here as well. I suspect his words to Shoaib went along similar lines: "I'm great, tremble down before me little one," he may have said before sending down a 75mph long hop.

Can anyone think of some new sledges that Andre should try out?

Caught between a visa and a fly

Good old Will, hard at work in the Cricinfo dungeon he has noticed that Duncan Fletcher's autobiography is presently languishing in 127th place in the Amazon bestseller list, sandwiched between a Home Office guide to UK citizenship (something Fletcher spent much of his time as England head coach trying to obtain) and that children's classic There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly (a reference to Geoff Boycott by any chance?)

I'm surprised at Will's interest in the Duncan Fletcher book. Surely as a disturbingly proudly confessed Metal Head, he would be more interested in another autobiography to come out this week. I wonder if Mr Slash, of Guns 'n' Roses fame, has any witty anecdotes about being out on the lash with Andrew Flintoff?

A century of the ICC

Crack open the complimentary peanuts, the ICC is having another jamboree in Dubai tomorrow (Tues) with a two-day board meeting that will consider, among other things, a successor to Malcolm Speed as chief executive, the audit of Zimbabwe Cricket's finances (hint: with inflation running at almost 8,000 per cent, I'd imagine it's f****d) and an increase in the number of elite umpires, presumably so that it will be easier to steer Darrell Hair away from diplomatically tricky fixtures as and when he finishes writing "I must not be seen to pick on Asian countries" out 50 million times.

The item on the agenda that catches the eye, however, is this: "The ICC's centenary is due in 2009 and the ICC Board will consider appropriate ways to mark the occasion." The International Cricket Council was founded in 1909 as the Imperial Cricket Conference, with England, Australia and South Africa the first members. It was expanded in 1926 to include India, New Zealand and West Indies and now has 101 members, from the United States (joined 1965) to Swaziland (2007).

Any bright ideas out there for how the ICC should mark the occasion? I'd quite like them to have a month of apathy, when they do no administrating and we can see whether the game will survive. Or how about a month-long World Test Championship, when the leading eight Test nations, divided into two pools with a final for the teams that come top, compete in the only proper form of cricket?

Nah. They'll probably just have another 50-over tournament to fill the gap between the 2008 Champions Trophy and the 2011 World Cup.

Fletcher uncorks a scandal

We had all heard the rumours about Andrew Flintoff's alleged drink problems - and the pedalo wobble was there for all to see during the World Cup - but the revelation in Duncan Fletcher's autobiography that Flintoff used to show up for practice during the Ashes tour in Australia still under the influence of booze has caused an understandably large hoo-hah.

Many will condemn Flintoff for his lack of professionalism and self-control. Regardless of being the captain, an England player should not appear drunk on duty. Yet why must this blame fall only on Flintoff? Fletcher writes in his book that Flintoff went to bed at 7am, three hours before an England practice, because he had been out all night with Ian Botham. Flintoff has spent his whole career being likened to Botham, generally favourably, and yet this was one comparison he could have done without. Botham, the former wild boy but now Mr Establishment who is very keen to use his knighthood title, should have had more care for his pupil's reputation.

My colleague Richard Hobson places the blame on Fletcher's shoulders, saying that as England coach he should have shown more loyalty to his team. Richard accuses Fletcher of stirring up these stories to make money. Yet why shouldn't he? Fletcher spent most of his career as England coach being desperately dull. The last thing we wanted was an autobiography that contained lots of "Belly and Straussy put their hands up and came to the party" quotes. At last, a cricket memoir with some interesting stories.

But Richard is right to suggest that there are two valid criticisms that should be made of Fletcher and his time in charge. Flintoff was not the only one to have problems in the past few years: there was also Marcus Trescothick's descent from rock to flake and Stephen Harmison's all-too-visible disintegration on tour. Something happened that mentally traumatised three of England's finest ever players. Some may blame the heavy burden of cricket that modern players must face, others may wonder at the support structure in place to help players deal with problems. Have these been rectified since Fletcher left?

And the other thing is whether Flintoff should ever have been captain in the first place. His record as captain before the Ashes tour was pretty poor anyway, and Fletcher says: "The areas which concerned me were his tactical nous and man management under pressure. And there was always going to be a worry about his self-discipline." If you have fears about a man's tactics, ability under pressure and lack of discipline, why on earth make him captain?

The sad thing is that not making Andrew Strauss captain for the Ashes, as by far the best qualified candidate in Michael Vaughan's absence, may have had an impact on the Middlesex opener. The loss of confidence from not being trusted may have affected Strauss's form and started the spiral that has ended in him being dropped for the Sri Lanka tour. Perhaps Strauss is a bigger casualty of Fletcher's failings than Flintoff.

Return of Geraint

One year ago, Geraint Jones was heading for Australia as England's No 1 choice as wicketkeeper for the Ashes defence (despite this blog's firmest advice to Duncan Fletcher). Now he is well down the pecking order, behind at least Matt Prior and Phil Mustard and possibly behind Paul Nixon and others. Yet he can still mix it with the greats of the game and was this morning part of an All Stars team that also included Brian Lara, Shane Warne, Craig McMillan, Heath Streak and Glenn McGrath playing in the final of the Hong Kong Sixes.

It may be a silly competition, but a large crowd gathered to watch some of the game's finest players and Geraint Jones compete against a second-string Sri Lanka side in the final. Naturally, the minnows won - despite a doughty display from Jones who hit his first three balls for six and finished on 36 not out. Maybe a recall to England colours is not far off?

Changes afoot

Normally when news is announced on a Saturday, the one day when national cricket journalists attempt to spend time with their families, the person or body announcing it will be hoping that no one notices. Even Sunday journalists will usually have decided what they are writing about before Saturday, and it would have to be pretty stonking news to get much coverage. Which explains why an ECB press release yesterday announcing 17 changes to the domestic game next season got next to no attention in today's papers. And yet, reading through the press release when I got back from visiting my sister in Bath last night, there appears little that is not very good news for the game.

The biggie is the fact that the ECB has decided to abandon the system introduced in the Friends Provident Trophy last year of allowing players to challenge the decisions of umpires and refer them to the TV umpire. This was disliked by umpires, players and fans (Chris Adams, the first captain to dispute a decision under the scheme, apologised to the umpire before doing it) and none of the referrals resulted in a decision being reversed. This is good news, even if the ECB must explain the abandoning of the policy on unsuitable technology rather than simply that it is against the spirit of the game.

It is also a good policy, I think, to abandon the use of floodlights in the county championship. Players were finding it too hard to see the red ball under lights. But as a fan I want to see more cricket played, so perhaps there should have been guidance to umpires not to offer the light as readily as they have done (the farcical scenes against Sri Lanka in the Lord's Test this summer being a case in point when the England batsmen came off three times in hardly dangerous light). My view here is that if the batsmen are well set and having few difficulties playing the ball, they should be told to play on even if it is harder to see it.

Other changes include reducing the number of overs a day in the county championship to 96, but increasing the penalty for unbowled overs in the allotted time from a half-point to one full point per over, thus ensuring that bowlers and fielding captains don't dawdle. Also, the ECB has adopted the new rules used in international matches about replacing the white ball in a 50-over game after 34 overs and about the use of powerplays.

Guidelines to help umpires to judge wides in one-day games will be painted on the wicket; and ties in the Twenty20 group stage will be decided on the results between the tied counties rather than on most wins (a flaw that was shown up in the rain-affected competition this year).

There are other sensible proposals in the document that the ECB deserves praise for. It's a shame they don't trumpet them a bit more - as far as I can make out, the press release is not even on the ECB website yet!

Check the calendar next time

The Pakistan Cricket Board are kicking up a fuss. Nothing new there, but for once they have a valid point. Next year's ICC Champions Trophy, which will take place in Pakistan in September, clashes with Ramadan, so they are trying to get the dates moved. Not unreasonably, England, West Indies, India and New Zealand are opposing a move because they already have scheduled fixtures in October.

Another bureaucratic cock-up? This quote from Ehsan Mani, the former ICC president, announcing the awarding of the tournament to Pakistan last year now appears a bit silly: "The Champions Trophy is an established part of the international cricket calendar and we were inundated with members that wanted to host this prestigious event," he said. "This means that we have been able to find very sensible time slots for this and other events in the years ahead." D'oh, as they say in Dubai.

I can sympathise with the PCB. Pakistan has not hosted a major international tournament since 1996 and they want to guarantee good attendances and that everyone has fun. Daytime matches mean that people will not be able to eat while watching the game (and what would be the point of cricket if you couldn't eat?), while day-night matches are also a bad idea as everyone will be more keen on breaking their fast (iftar) than watching the batting. The proposal if the tournament cannot be moved is to schedule matches so that there is a suitable iftar break, even if it doesn't come at the exact midpoint of the match.

Just one thought, though: why didn't anyone spot this when the tournament was awarded to Pakistan? It was announced in May 2006 and, while Ramadan is a movable feast based on the lunar calendar, it is always was due to be around September. Did no one think to check whether there would be a clash? Or did Pakistan feel that it would jeopardise their bid to hold it if they started making demands over dates? And if so, do they deserve any sympathy?

Loudon sells out

Another story I missed while Sellotaping my cousin naked to a windmill in Norfolk: Alex Loudon has given up his cricket career to become a businessman at the age of only 27. Loudon, you will recall, was touted as a spinning all-rounder for England (he even had a doosra, it was claimed) but he played just the one ODI, was run out without facing a ball, took 0 for 36 in six overs and has slipped back down the queue. A promising career in cricket has thus been cast aside for a job in the City.

King Cricket has done a brilliant rant against Loudon, which I think is worth sharing: "This is why we shouldn't allow Old Etonians to become professional cricketers. What kind of a person gives up professional cricket in favour of 'a career in business'? Well congratulations, Alex. You'll be shaking hands with people for a living before you know it. You can spend the next 30-odd years staring at spreadsheets and having meetings.

"You can buy a pointless grey car and put your frigging golf clubs in the back. You can get a Mont Blanc pen and tell people about how you've got a Mont Blanc pen, watching their eyes glaze over before you've even finished the word 'Blanc'. You can go to bars with your mates, drink terrible alcohol at inflated prices and talk about how you can drive from one miserable office full of idiots to a different miserable office full of idiots faster than they can, learning to distinguish between different pointless grey cars in the process.

"We're sure you'll cheer just as enthusiastically when you get that all-important third quarter contract as you did when you clean-bowled someone in a vital match. We're sure the guys in Human Resources will give you just as much of an ovation as when you single-handedly won a cup match in front of a sell-out crowd."

As one season ends...

Have been away on a stag weekend on the Norfolk Broads, so the blog has lain neglected while I have been drinking Guinness, pointing at windmills and trying to avoid hitting swans and other boats. Back at the desk now and saw this post by Will on The Corridor blog about Durham already selling tickets for next summer's internationals. In fact, tickets for the ODI against New Zealand and the Twenty20 with South Africa in just eight and ten months' time went on sale just over an hour ago.

I agree with Will: this is wrong, all wrong. Let us savour the last season for a few months before thinking ahead to next summer. This sort of action seems biased against people like me who are incapable of being organised more than a month ahead of time. It's bad enough that Lord's wants ticket applications before Christmas (which is why I get tickets from friends who are MCC members in April instead), but selling tickets for matches in October before the winter Test tour has even begun? Crazy talk.

The off Ramps

So, no Mark Ramprakash in the England Test party for Sri Lanka, which has just been announced. As a proud Essex fan and wear of the "No1 Bopara Fan" badge, Iam delighted that Ravi has been given his call-up papers but I can't help feeling sorry for Ramprakash, who has been such a brilliant batsman on the county circuit for the past two seasons. He may have failed at Test level before, but it appears that his mind problems are sorted out. It would have been interesting to see if he had a wonderful autumn to his career left in him.

Graeme Swann has, as expected, won the second spinner's place but Monty Panesar will surely start the series even if he has fallen behind Swann in the one-day team. Stuart Broad gets the nod over Stephen Harmison, which I think is right and a good look to the future. Phil Mustard is the reserve keeper, which not only puts pressure on Matt Prior but surely signals the end of ambition for fans of Chris Read and maybe even James Foster.

Must have been a dodgy pitch

Lovers of inept batting the world over will have been delighted by the news that West Indies Under-19, playing in the KFC Cup, were bowled out for just 18 runs today by Barbados. It is the lowest total in a List A one-day match, beating Middlesex's 33-year record by five runs. Fine effort boys. The destroyer in chief was Pedro Collins, with seven for 11. Oddly, the Under-19s won the toss and decided to make best use of the conditions...

I remember in a school under-15s match many years ago we bowled the opposition out for 20. Sadly, they won by five runs...

Save the planet: tour Australia by boat

Today, apparently, is Blog Action Day, a day on which all bloggers are supposed to make posts about the environment, highlighting the ways in which we are killing the planet. You'd have thought that not staying indoors burning electricity by tapping away at a computer would be a good start.

Still in the spirit of things, can I repeat my bemusement that after playing five one-day matches in Sri Lanka, England are returning home for five weeks before heading back out to the same country with largely the same group of players for a Test series? Hardly good for the ECB's carbon footprint that.

Bring back the days when players did a winter tour by steam-ship, visiting Sri Lanka on the way down to Australia and popping in for a couple of Tests in New Zealand on the way back. Then again, two months on board a ship being beaten at deck quoits by Kevin Pietersen would probably drive the rest of the team loopy.

On a similar theme, here is a thought for the day: if you deliberately burn your toast and eat it, does your consumption of the carbon offset the energy you have used in toasting the bread in the first place?

Quote of the Day

I came across the following quotation that seems rather appropriate given the rugby match that is being played tomorrow:

"If the French noblesse had been capable of playing cricket with their peasants, their chateaux would never have been burnt."

Well said, G M Trevelyan, author of English Social History in 1942

Peace breaks out over Darrell Hair

Sorry, sorry, I imagine you are quite fed up with posts about Big Dazzy H and his long road back towards the white coat, but I found this article in the Melbourne Age interesting. The cricket boards in India and Sri Lanka have said that they would have no problem with Hair returning to top-level umpiring if he completes a six-month rehabilitation course to improve his man-management and communications skills. Pakistan are still intransigent about letting Hair return, of course, but six months is a long time in cricket politics and if Hair keeps quiet and keeps his nose clean, and if India and Sri Lanka keep their word, then there will be little to stop him returning. Seven of the leading Test nations must vote for an ICC proposition for it to be passed.

What would be interesting would be if Hair gets a glowing report from the rehabilitation course and his scores in the lesser matches hold up but the board still votes against him. If that were the case then the ICC management (Malcolm Speed et al) would surely have to resign on principle.

Inzy does a Bradman

Well, sort of. Inzaman-ul-Haq, like Don Bradman 59 years earlier, had his final Test innings cut short after only two balls. He came out for the final time after waiting almost two sessions today, drove his first ball for three runs through mid-wicket and was then stumped off Paul Harris, leaving him three runs short of Javed Miandad's Pakistan record. He was given a guard of honour as he left the field - an appropriate tribute to one of cricket's finest batsmen - and that was it. Sic transit gloria mundi and all that.

Perhaps he was trying to get to the record quickly - in which case let that be his just dessert - but maybe he wanted to aid Pakistan's run chase. When he came out Pakistan needed six an over to beat South Africa and level the series. That looks unlikely now.

Inzamam should be remembered not for the occasional burst of controversy but for his stylish batting that was surprisingly graceful for a man of his size. I remember first being aware of him when he did for England in the 1992 World Cup final. He became a slight figure of fun for his suicidal running between the wickets, but who needed to run when you could hit fours to every corner of the ground. His greatest feat, from an England fan's point of view, was the series in Pakistan in 2005 against the Ashes champions when he made at least 50 in every innings (and two hundreds) to puncture England's bubble. He continued that with two more half-centuries in the first Test of Pakistan's series over here in 2006, a series that ended in such a sad way for Pakistan, Inzy and cricket.

Notes from the rugby desk

One plus for my bosses of the Darrell Hair employment tribunal drawing stumps early is that I've been immediately dragged off to edit a rugby supplement (out tomorrow) for England's World Cup semi-final with France. How very English to mark getting to a semi-final as some sort of achievement in itself. I somehow can't see the Cape Times doing the same to mark South Africa reaching the last four against Argentina.

It does mean that I have missed out a few cricket stories, so here's a concise wrap up of what has happened in the past two days:

• England are suddenly rather good at one-day cricket. After beating India in a seven-match series at home and then beating Sri Lanka away, England are starting to look like a competent 50-over side. How appropriate that we suddenly become good at this form of the game just as the rest of the world gets bored of it.
• Shoaib Akhtar is banned for 13 games for assaulting Mohammad Asif. What a boy. Cricket will never be dull while Shoaib is about. Make him chairman of the Pakistan board.
• Australia crush India. The Indians can still tie the seven-match series but Australia took a 3-1 lead after an awesome display in the fifth ODI this morning. I only tuned in for ten minutes but it was long enough to see Adam Gilchrist hit three of his four sixes in one over as Australia won within 26 overs of the run-chase. I just hope the Test series is closer.
• Mark Ramprakash to make an England comeback? Surely not, but rumours are circulating that England are about to recall the Surrey batsman next week for the winter Test tours. No one has made a stronger case for a second (or is it eleventh?) chance. Having passed 2,000 runs in his past two seasons, could Ramprakash be about to have a Gooch-like autumn to his Test career? He may have scored only two Test hundreds, but he has made 95 others in first-class cricket and if his mind is finally sorted, perhaps the runs will flow at the top level.

The only question is: who do the England selectors drop? Andrew Strauss may not make the tour, but Ramps would need to replace a middle-order batsman unless Michael Vaughan is promoted to open. Oh go on, let it be Pietersen... There would be something delicious in such an elegant batsman with mental self-doubt taking the place of the egotistical stunt-monkey.

Hair withdraws lawsuit: analysis

Darrell Hair is unlikely to end up bankrupt after withdrawing his case against the ICC for racial discrimination this morning. Under employment laws, he will not have to pay the ICC's substantial costs and while his own QC, Robert Griffiths, and the legal team at Finers Stephens Innocent were not working on a "no win, no fee" basis, they are all cricket lovers and the fees charged were, I understand, reasonably sympathetic to the umpire whose Test career may resume in March once he has fulfilled a "rehabilitation programme" with the ICC.

The ICC, meanwhile, will just have to grin and bear the cost of flying their management team, lawyers and witnesses across to London from Dubai or other parts of the world and putting them up for two weeks in the Royal Garden Hotel in Kensington - "the hotel England stayed in when they won the 1966 World Cup" one said. It is likely to have cost a bit more than the $500,000 that Hair had originally sought in return for his retirement a year ago and perhaps it would have been wiser to have bought him off then.

At least they did not have to pay for a witness who never arrived, as Hair's team did to their cost when Billy Doctrove, who stood with him in the abandoned Test at the Oval last year, decided not to take a flight from Dominica to give evidence last week.

For as long as he wants a job with the ICC, Hair will not be allowed to sell his story or even to speak to the media about this trial. He must be on his best and most diplomatic behaviour for the next few months if he wants to return to umpiring Tests in March after a period of rehabilitation. Even then, his future at the top level is in doubt after the amount of dirty linen that he washed in court. Rudi Koertzen is unlikely to have been grateful that his friend and colleague revealed his claim about Pakistan being cheats, for instance.

Hair left court yesterday with only a smile and an admission that he was relieved it was over. He and Amanda, his British wife, will be flying back to Australia in the next few days. Griffiths, flamboyant to the last, told the Press that he hoped they would be along to see his next case and promised to send out a fixture list.

Inzy's last hurrah

Am I alone in hoping that Inzamam-ul-Haq does not make the 20 runs he needs in his final Test match, starting today against South Africa in Lahore, to overhaul Javed Miandad's Pakistan record? This isn't anything against Inzy, a batsman I adore to watch and who has been, in my view, a far better batsman and captain than Miandad ever was. The big softy is likely to shed a tear or two when the final innings is over, as he did when he played his final ODI at the World Cup, and I will weep (sort of) to see him go.

No, it is because I loathe the artificiality of a contrived end to a career. Nothing wrong with wanting to leave in front of your home fans, but to announce that you will go after you have become your country's leading runscorer (or after having a chance at the record) smacks of too much awareness of your place in history. Inzamam should have played in the first Test. He didn't and Pakistan lost. They may lose again regardless of what he scores, but if he makes a big final innings or two why not continue? He needs a hundred to record a full set of hundreds against all the Test nations, but if he is in form then surely his country will need him for the Test series in India next month?

You did nothing wrong, so you're fired.

What's this? Yes, it's another Hair piece.

In the continuing case of Big Darrell H vs the ICC, Sir John Anderson, of the New Zealand cricket board, told a London employment tribunal today that Hair did not face an ICC disciplinary procedure after the 2006 Brit Oval Test was awarded to England because it would probably have found he did nothing wrong. Not that that stopped the ICC from passing a resolution of no confidence in the Australian.

Anderson denied Hair's claim that he had been racially discriminated against, however, repeating the line that Hair, as a senior umpire (albeit an unofficially recognised rather than legally stipulated one), had been responsible for ensuring that the match continued.

"Darrell's race was not mentioned at all during the board's discussion and I have no doubt that Darrell's race did not influence any of the directors to agree to my proposal. Like me, everyone was concerned about protecting the game of cricket," Anderson said.

The New Zealander also admitted that his proposal to keep Hair on the elite umpires' panel but not to send him to any international matches, which had been cooked up over a 45-minute sandwich break with the Pakistan and Zimbabwe representatives, was accepted by the ICC board after less than five minutes' discussion.

Doctrove ducks out

It was a bad day for the Darrell Hair camp in courtroom 4 today for his industrial tribunal against the ICC - and that was before we got to the news that their star witness had not shown up.

First, Robert Griffiths, Hair's QC (not to be confused with Richard Griffiths, who plays Harry Potter's uncle Vernon), went down with a cold and left the day's handling to his junior, Stephen Whale, whose voice sounds something like Wallace, the plasticine sidekick of Gromit. Then Mrs Hair discovered that her pink sunglasses had been broken. Somehow there wasn't space for either of these events in The Times tomorrow.

We then heard that Billy Doctrove, Hair's accomplice last summer, had e-mailed Hair's legal team the night before to say that he wasn't taking up their offer of a business-class flight from Dominica and top-notch London hospitality and was staying in the West Indies for "private and confidential reasons". As he hasn't been served with a summons (unlike Inzamam-ul-Haq who has also refused to attend), there is nothing Hair's legals can do. Needless to say, the ICC were not devastated by the news.

Instead we had to make do with His Royal Highness, Prince Tunku Imran of Malaysia, the Nottingham-educated son of the country's King, who said Hair had shown bad judgment at the Oval. Chris Kelly, the ECB umpires manager who had given Hair his job at the ICC, was next. He said Hair was a jolly good umpire. Then came Mrs Hair, who talked about the harrassment and threats she and her husband had received. On one occasion, Mrs Hair, who worked for the East Midlands Development Agency, was told by the agency not to attend a presentation to attract inward investment to the area from India because her relationship to Hair may have affected the deal.

After lunch came the ICC's big witness, Sir John Anderson, chairman of the New Zealand cricket board, and one of the three board members who drew up a plan over a 45-minute sandwich lunch to stand Hair down from international matches. Anderson referred to events at the Oval as "another cricket crisis", adding that Hair acted as "a law unto himself ... totally resistant to seeing the realities of the situation". His view was that Hair had to be removed in case he did something similar at the World Cup. In hindsight, a few abandoned matches may have improved that cursed tournament.

Although Anderson admitted that there is no written guidance or regulation about any umpire having "seniority" in a match, regardless of experience, he contended that Hair was running the show at the Oval. It was Anderson who spent Tuesday afternoon filling out a Su Doku puzzle. Perhaps he should have been mugging up on his cricket history as the day ended with him referring to the incident when John Snow was pelted with missiles by an Australian crowd and Ray Illingworth led the England team off in protest. "When was that?" the tribunal asked him. "The mid-1980s," Anderson said.

Fortunately, Michael "Ruxpin" Beloff, QC, was able to show off, piping up that in fact it was Sydney in 1971. The case continues.

ps: note to Andre Nel: Brian Murgatroyd, the ICC's head of press, saw your recent comment about him and asked me to pass on his best wishes.

Did Koertzen call Pakistan "cheats"?

One of the most fascinating incidents to emerge in Darrell Hair's employment tribunal against the ICC yesterday afternoon was his claim that Rudi Koertzen, his fellow umpire from South Africa, had called the Pakistan team "cheats".

While Koertzen has not yet had a chance to respond, Michael Beloff, QC, who is representing the ICC in its defence of Hair's claim of racial discrimination, said today that the accusation was "sheer mudslinging". Beloff added that Hair had attempted to "blackmail" the ICC into giving him a pay-off in exchange for his silence. Hair denied that, but said he regretted sending an e-mail asking for a pay-off of $500,000 to Doug Cowie, his line manager, who had invited him to put the proposal in writing.

The following testimony by Hair may cause some raised eyebrows in Lahore:

"On the morning of March 18, 2007, I was in my car when I heard a news flash that Ireland had defeated Pakistan, the result of which was that Pakistan could not qualify for the next round of the World Cup," Hair said. "Just after, I answered a call on my phone from Doug Cowie. He said: 'Good news about Pakistan being knocked out. That must make your Irish blood proud.' I was not expecting such a call but I decided to add some levity by saying 'Yes, I'm sure that would make my great, great grandparents happy.'

"Mr Cowie handed the phone to Rudi Koertzen. After exchanging pleasantries, Mr Koertzen said, 'That's great news, those cheats can now go home.' I answered that I was not necessarily happy one way or the other. I was anxious not to extend the conversation as I was driving and it is illegal to do so while talking on a mobile phone. I ended the conversation by asking Mr Koertzen if he happened to see Trent Johnston, the Ireland captain, would he please give him my congratulations."

Hmmm. I think that, on legal grounds, that is all I am allowed to say. Hmmm, I say again.

Desert storm

Nearly 40 years of history came to an end on Friday for the only licensed cricket club in Dubai. Darjeeling CC, a club founded by British construction workers in 1968, drew stumps at the al-Awir ground, which has hosted games for many UK touring sides over the years and even the New Zealand national team. Developers are moving in to build on the wicket, but the club hopes that its long history will continue on a new ground. Perhaps, given that the ICC are one of Dubai's most famous tenants, the governing body can help out.

Dickie Who?

Michael Beloff, QC, is a bright man (although as was pointed out in an earlier post, he does resemble Teddy Ruxpin) but he showed a slight lack of cricketing knowledge in his cross-examination of Darrell Hair in the umpire's employment tribunal yesterday.

Bad enough for Beloff to claim that Muttiah Muralitharan is the leading wicket-taker in Test cricket (actually, Murali needs nine more victims to pass Shane Warne so perhaps Beloff should wait until after England's first Test with Sri Lanka next month) but he then poured scorn on Hair having written an autobiography, suggesting that it was very rare for umpires to do something so vain.

Beloff may have forgotten Dickie Bird's autobiography, which the umpire claims sold a million copies, but here are seven others he ought to read:

1. White Cap and Bails, the second of Bird's autobiographies

2. Alone in the Middle, by Steve Dunne of New Zealand

3. Standing the Test of Time, by Bill Alley, the Somerset all-rounder and Test umpire

4. The Umpire's Story, by Lou Rowan, Australian Test umpire in the 1960s

5. How's That, by Frank Chester, English Test umpire for 30 years

6. Bodyline Umpire, by George Hele, written in 1974

7. Shep, by David Shepherd

Hurrah for Mrs Hair

Some observations from day 2 of Darrell Hair's employment tribunal

I knew it was a mistake to grow a beard on my recent holiday (Mrs K likes it because it gives her something to grab me by) when I entered courtroom No 4 today and was asked by Mrs Hair: "Are you Martin Samuel?" referring to this paper's football correspondent.

I felt like replying: "Honestly, do I look like an overweight, hairy, opinionated Essex boy?" but realised that may not give her enough to go on, so instead asked: "Honestly, do I look like I enjoy football?"

Mrs Hair has brightened up proceedings in the courtroom by wearing colourful clothing - a purple jacket on the first day and a bright turquoise suit today, which makes a nice contrast with the massed ranks of lawyers and ICC honchos whom she occasionally shoots glances towards that suggest she has been sucking on a lemon.

All the big guns from the ICC are here and will presumably take the stand: Malcolm Speed, the chief executive, Ray Mali, the acting president, David Richardson, the general manager, and Sir John Anderson, the New Zealand representative on the board who was so engrossed by discussion today that he spent much of the afternoon working his way through a bumper book of Su Doku puzzles.

The ICC's head of media operations, Brian Murgatroyd, is also in London and was kind enough to say that he reads this blog regularly and even, I think, enjoys it, which made me feel instantly guilty about everything I have ever written about the ICC. If you are reading this, Brian, may I just say what a great success the World Cup was earlier this year.

England afraid to learn

Sometimes, I confess, this blog misses stories. Or rather, I get to them a bit late. I do have a regular job to do on the paper as well as just blog, and I've spent the past two days in the courtroom listening to Big Darrell Hair's "why the world hates me" plea. More on that tomorrow morning.

Anyway, I just came across this post on King Cricket that deserves a wider airing. The King points out that after England lost their first one-day to Sri Lanka by some margin yesterday, Paul Collingwood,the captain, failed to say that "this is a young side and they'll learn from this defeat".

Shrewdly, the King suggests that while this could be interpreted as a welcome break from blanditudes, it is possibly a worrying sign that England's younger players have decided to stop learning. Which is it?

Darrell Hair takes the stand

Barristers may not often wear the old-fashioned gown-and-wig gear any more, but they still know how to have fun with Latin, as was evident on Day 1 of Darrell Hair's employment tribunal in London yesterday. As you can read here, the Australian umpire is claiming that the ICC has racially discriminated against him for not appointing him to stand in Tests since the controversial Oval Test in 2006 when Pakistan had a huff at being accused of ball-tampering and refused to take the field.

Opening the ICC's defence, Michael Beloff, QC (who resembles a less angry version of Sir Alan Sugar, or possibly a more angry version of Teddy Ruxpin), said the argument hinged on the difference between de facto and de iure. According to the letter of the law (de iure), Darrell Hair and Billy Doctrove were jointly in charge of the Test, but as any fule kno (de facto) Hair was so clearly the head honcho on that day and Doctrove just his lackey that it is obvious why Hair carried the can.

Hair's camp fought back, pointing out among other things that Doctrove had been the first man to remove the bails, signifying the end of the Test, and that once that was done then it could not be resumed, even though the Pakistan camp suddenly changed their tune and started to say that they were ready to play again. "As Mr Beloff brought up Latin earlier, may I say that we are discussing your functus," Robert Griffiths, Hair's QC, said, turning round to smile and wink at the media after this hilarious joke. For some reason, my colleague from The Sun didn't reach for his pen or even his Latin dictionary.

It sounded rude, but apparently functus is shorthand for functus officio, meaning that Hair's job was finished by the removal of bails and he had no further jurisdiction. So there. The case continues today. More Latin tomorrow, perhaps.