Relive last year's Ashes misery this Christmas

This blog has spawned a publishing phenomenon. Well, sort of. You have to use sensationalist language like that if you want to grab people's attention. What I really mean is that Nigel Henderson, my colleague who jacked in his job at The Times last autumn so that he could drag his girlfriend round the cricket grounds of Australia following England's Ashes heroes, has published a book about his experiences and some of those were first reported here and here and here and, when he went missing after the Sydney Test and sparked a worldwide manhunt, here.

Sadly I could only pay Nigel in alcohol and free pints of Guinness will only go so far when you have rent to pay and have coughed up £10,000 of your savings to watch England lose 5-0. So Nigel has written a book, If It Was Raining Palaces, I'd Get Hit By the Dunny Door, which is funny, touching and in places downright painful (largely in the poor use of the conditional mood in the title, to be honest - shouldn't it be "if it were raining"?)

Go and buy a copy now to slip into a beloved relative's stocking. Or, if you are feeling tight, Line and Length has two copies of Nigel's book to give away as a prize for the best two answers to the question below, which you can submit by clicking "comments" under this post. Usual Times competition rules apply, whatever they are (something to do with me not giving my Dad the prize and Australians not being allowed to win because they won the Ashes and isn't that enough?) and my decision is final. Deadline is ten minutes before the pub opens on Friday.

QUESTION: During the last Ashes series, the Australian fans came up with the nickname "Figjam" for Kevin Pietersen, which stands for "F*** I'm Good, Just Ask Me". What other witty acronyms could be applied to members of the England team?

Comments

[Tony T]

Geraint Jones: OINK.

Oim no keeper.

[Peter McGuinness]

'Mr Grainger',

Whoever you are, I can assure you that I thoroughly enjoyed the last Ashes series down here enough without having to relive it through the bloodshot eyes of a man who is only 78% less bitter than Simon Barnes.

That said, Nige is clearly a champion cricket tragic of the highest order, and Britons should be literally crawling over themselves to purchase his book.

For the record, I am a big admirer of Nigel Henderson.

I do not know what 'pseudonyms' means. Is it a type of church song?

Patrick will know - he's very smart.

Anyway - good luck to all contestants. I hope Panayoti wins.

Are you free?

[Schmity]

I reckon Pietersen should be called 'Nick Leeson', because he's a 'Rogue Traitor'.

Get it?

[Mr Grainger]

Look, Mr McGuinness, it doesn't matter how many pseudonyms you come up with, you're only getting one book!

[Mr A Nel]

Kidd,

FIGJAM is unimaginative Aussie rubbish as usual.

Pietersen is Egbert.

Egomaniac Girlishly Becomes Emigrating Reviled Traitor.

That was hard. My mind hurts.

Now give me my book.

[Panayoti Maginopolis]

Yasou Patrick!

I have the great interest of cricket.

A big fans of Nigel too I am. Please refer below to names from me of England.

Andrew Flintoff is SPANISH. This means SINK P*** ALL NIGHT IN SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE.

Paul Nixon is COCK. This means CRAZY OVER CONFIDENT KNOB.

Hoping these are liked by you, so a book can come to me.

So long everybody...

[Jeremy Boggonden]

Chris Read: READ

Ridiculously Ejected And Dumped

Harmison: BASS

Bowl At Second Slip

Harmison: ASHTRAY

Atrocious Sweaty Hands Take Radar Away from Yob

Harmison: CATS

Can't Aim Toward Stumps

Giles: GRABBA

Grassing Ricky About Buggers Bloody Ashes

Please be assured that I am neither Austrian, nor your Father.

Cheers...

[Archibald Thistletwaite III]

Hallo Patrick.

Awfully good blog you have here old bean.

Here's an entry in your little competition.

Ian Bell: QUACK

QUEEN UNUSUALLY ACKNOWLEDGES CRAP with semi KNIGHTHOOD.

Capital knick name, what?

I shall give you the address of my club (off-line) for forwarding book of complaint.

Good Day.