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Vote for cricket's Pillock of the Month!

By popular demand (well, one person asked me and the online editor thought it was a good idea), I announce the inaugural Line and Length Pillock of the Month competition. On the last day of each month, I will list the pillocks, twits and fools who have grabbed the attention and encourage readers to vote for the biggest prat. They could be intemperate players, blinkered officials or idiotic administrators. At the end of the year, in a packed gala ceremony, the 12 monthly pillocks will compete for the coveted Pillock of the Year award (putatively held for the past six years by Andre Nel).

The following list of nominees is in alphabetical order, vote for who you fancy and let me know through the comments who has been left out - or should be considered in February's poll. For those who think we are just being cynical, tomorrow is the start of my Hero of the Month competition.

The petty BCCI official (a rarity admittedly) who banned Nathan Astle, Daryl Tuffey and Craig McMillan from appearing in the Bollywood film Victory, being shot at the moment, because they had competed in the rebel Indian Cricket League. I missed this story a few weeks ago, but it sums up bureaucrats everywhere. Although who on earth thought Tuffey would be a big draw?

Paul Blanchard, sales and marketing director at the Brit Oval: for saying, even if it was true, that he had received phone calls from people complaining that tickets for internationals were too low and that there was nothing wrong with charging £100 for an ODI ticket.

Kevin Peake, head of marketing at npower: for forgetting that the last time England played Australia in the Ashes we lost 5-0, as he launched a triumphalist "we gave you a hell of a beating" campaign for 2009.

Mike Procter: for yet again being the match referee when a row flared up and failing to come up with a diplomatic solution that soothed both sides.

Harbhajan Singh: whatever he did or did not say in Sydney, he is a pillock for patting Brett Lee on the rump and thinking it was OK. That flag-waving after India won a Test in which he played no part was also a bit silly.

Andrew Symonds: whatever Harbhajan did or did not say in Sydney, there was no excuse for Symonds wading into the whole posterior-patting scene and swearing at Harbhajan. If Brett Lee was OK with his rear being fondled, then Symonds should have, er, butted out.

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ICC failed to tell Hansen of Harbhajan's previous misdemeanours

Well what fun all this is, eh? Comments left overnight by Edmund Hillary, Billy Idol, Nelson Mandela and a song by Burt Bacharach to boot. Much as it depresses me that far more comments have been made about Harbhajan's trial than were made about the four Tests combined, it is good to welcome so many new readers to Line and Length. Keep popping back. But let's try to keep our views to real people only, such as the strangely silent Andre Nel or Humphrey B Bear.

The ICC published Justice John Hansen's written report on the trial earlier today (I've been out of the office so apologies for not posting earlier) and some thoughts occur to me. Feel free to let me know what you think or just to call me a vile India/Australia hater (delete as applicable).

1) The most important thought was actually the last, buried on page 20 of the 22. Justice Hansen says the ICC had informed him of only one previous transgression of the Code of Conduct by Harbhajan Singh and that he discovered after announcing his verdict that there were three others, one serious. These were not passed to him because of administrative errors by the ICC (errors that somehow seem to have been ironed out once he had reduced the ban to a slap on the wrist). None of the other transgressions were to do with racial allegations, but Hansen says he would have handed a tougher penalty, possibly a ban, on Harbhajan if he had known.

While cock-ups are part of the ICC's usual modus operandi (excuse the Latin, it's all this legal talk getting to me), it seems strange they should come to light so quickly after Hansen's verdict. Given that he had seven days to consider his verdict (see point 4 below), why couldn't he have taken the time to do a cuttings search to see if there was anything else to consider?

2) Andrew Symonds alleged that he was called "a monkey or a big monkey". Why is the size of the monkey relevant? If Harbhajan had called him a "little monkey", would that have been ok? I've heard an Indian friend of mine call his nephew a "little monkey" and it was quite affectionate. Perhaps, from now on, players could specify exactly what sort of monkey they mean when insulting an opponent. Call him a baboon, orang-utang or lemur if you want. Anyway, quite clearly the member of the Australia team who looks most like a monkey is Ricky Ponting. Just look at that George W Bush-style mouth.

Harbhajan cleared

Harbhajan Singh has had his three-Test ban dropped after Justice John Hansen cleared him of making racial comments during the Sydney Test. I have to rush out and won't be in the office today so I leave this as an open thread for people to leave their views, which will be moderated later. But I make the following views:

1) If they felt that he had done nothing wrong, India were right to fight this to clear his name. They should now refrain from gloating or complaining about being picked on and get on with the cricket.

2) If Australia thought they had heard a racial slur, they were right to complain. They should now accept that they were mistaken, not complain about the verdict and get on with the cricket.

3) Regardless of racial abuse, the Test series was ugly in places, with both sides going a bit too far in tub-thumping and competitiveness. In Adelaide, India's jostling of the umpire was unseemly and, although I did not see this incident, there was an allegation that Karthik spat at Clarke. Clearly this is unacceptable. Harbhajan's exoneration should not overshadow the fact that Test cricket was not being played by grown-ups this winter.

4) The ICC were aware of the quality of evidence before the appeal and whether there was the need for lengthy testimony and legal investigation. That the hearing was concluded after only one day bothers me. The ICC came close to bending their own rules to suspend the hearing until after the Test series, but there were more than six days between Hansen being appointed and the Perth Test starting, plenty of time it now appears to have allowed an appeal.

Associate nations fight for World Cup places

Contemplating the next World Cup so soon after the Australia v India Test series is a bit like going for a kebab on the way home from a Michelin-starred restaurant, but for the non-Test nations it is their one chance to grab a slice of the ICC pie and remind the rest of the world that they exist. Naturally, therefore, there is opposition from the minnows to any reduction in the number of smaller nations taking part in 2011.

The Malaysia Sun reported yesterday that several associate members - Canada, Ireland, Kenya, Holland, Bermuda, Scotland, United Arab Emirates, Namibia, Denmark and Oman - have written to Malcolm Speed at the ICC requesting that the chief executive block the plan, sponsored by India and Pakistan with Sri Lanka and Bangladesh's backing, to cut the number of teams at the next World Cup from 16 to 14. It may seem a futile gesture given Speed's general impotence in the face of the India machine (he plays the same passive role in proceedings as a toast-rack does when being stacked with hot crumpets), but you can't blame the minnows for trying.

Given the amount of money India and Pakistan lost by getting knocked out early in the Caribbean, you can understand their desire to change the system whereby one shock result (Pakistan losing to Ireland, India losing to Bangladesh) can see them heading home early - although both those sides lost two of their pool matches - but perhaps a compromise would be for a variant on the 1996 World Cup, with the main tournament featuring 12 teams in two pools of six being immediately preceded by a qualifying tournament for eight associate members to compete for two places in the tournament proper.

(Hat-tip to Andrew Nixon's Beyond the Boundary blog and Cricinfo's Beyond the Test World, both of which give more prominence to the smaller nations than the ICC's own website.)

A sight for sore feet

Newly-learnt fact of the day: Chris Gayle's nickname, according to his Cricinfo blog, is "verucci", which I thought was a mis-spelt plural form of verruca but apparently for the fashion-conscious West Indies opening batsman is a blend of Versace and Gucci (or should that be Goochie?)

Australia and India share the spoils

Michael Clarke was not named man of the series (that honour went to Brett Lee) but perhaps he should have been as it was his one over in Sydney that proved the difference between two great teams. Over four pulsating Tests (three actually, as Melbourne was disappointingly one-sided), India took on the best in the world and almost matched them. Honour was salvaged on both sides after the diplomatic angst of Sydney (although that still has a coda to play) and most cricket-lovers' appetite for the game has been revived.

Peter McGuinness, as he kindly has all series, sent in the following match report:

"Proceedings crawled along for 30 minutes, until Dravid got hit by Lee. The Wall's finger hurt too much to remain on the battlefield and he went off on 11, to be replaced by Tendulkar. Sehwag did nearly all the morning's scoring and duly posted his century, which would have thrilled Michael Clarke no end having dropped the maniacal opener on two. You've got to hand it to Sehwag. He punctuates periods of edging, missing and generally looking like Stevie Wonder swinging a stump, with strokes straight from the middle like blasts from a cannon.

Only Australia can win - but match heads for draw

Peter McGuinness watched Australia wrench back the initiative in Adelaide and sent in this match report:

"The Aussies crushed the tourists prior to lunch, as Ponting and Clarke went in at 3/425. Ponting a wonderful 124 and Clarke cruising toward his century on 91. Ponting's back had gone on him again, which was India's one positive amongst the leather chasing and dummy spitting. Sharma was the only Indian bowler who played to potential.

"Ponting should have retired hurt at lunch, because he needed a runner almost from the start of the middle session. He picked up the pace until 140, but was restricted by the time he played on off Sehwag at 4/451. Clarke cashed in on his excellent current form and a discouraged opposition, until Sharma's reintroduction when he was on 118. He edged a nicely shaped away swinger to second slip at 5/490. Gilchrist entered to a thunderous ovation on his last walk to the crease in Test cricket. His last innings was nearly notable for his manslaughter of umpire Bowden, who only just evaded a Gilly straight drive directed at his nose. The retiree went in typical fashion, unselfishly pushing the pace when he was 14 and the Aussies were 6/506. After tea, Symonds played well for 30 and saw the Aussies past the Indians before playing on off one of Sharma's rare innocuous deliveries 7/527.

Adam Gilchrist retires: a tribute

Read the tribute then cast your vote below to the poll: is Adam Gilchrist the best all-rounder ever?

Gradually, the greatest team of cricketers to have played the game is breaking up. Warne, McGrath, Langer and Martyn are gone and to their list is now added Adam Gilchrist, the man who redefined the idea that a wicketkeeper should only need to be a skilled glovesman, yet who batted for almost all his Test career at No 7, when any other side would have placed a batsman of his calibre in the top five.

Heroes are inevitably soon replaced by new heroes, who ease the pain of their parting. Australia will find another match-winning spinner before long; in Stuart Clark they have another Glenn McGrath; they have no shortage of excellent batsmen. Yet for all the promise of Gilchrist's likely successors, Brad Haddin, Luke Ronchi or whoever, it is hard to see there being another wicketkeeper out there who can average over 50, as Gilchrist did for all but 18 of his 96 Tests. In fact, there is one: but he is Sri Lankan.

By his brilliance with the bat, married to an undoubted reliability with the gloves, Gilchrist created an idea of what a wicketkeeper should be that few have lived up to, especially in this country. Would Chris Read have played 60 Tests for England by now if it wasn't for Gilchrist? Would Alec Stewart be regarded as a brilliant wicketkeeper-batsman because he averaged almost 40 when he was keeper, rather than a nearly man?

There are so many memories of Gilchrist as a player that stand out - winning a World Cup final with a squash ball stuffed in his glove to improve his batting; his 152 at Edgbaston in 2001 that set up an innings win and got the Ashes off to a bad start for England; his double hundred - at a run a ball! - in Johannesburg as Australia beat South Africa by the astounding matter of an innings and 360 runs.

Yet I want to share two memories of Gilchrist the man, because they reveal much about his character. He was not a typical Aussie cricketer. Competitive, yes, but he had a reputation too as a gentleman, an honourable man, one who always regarded playing for Australia as the most immense privilege. In a series when questions have been raised about the spirit of the game, Gilchrist always played in the right spirit.

He had a reputation as a walker and I remember when Australia arrived in England in 2005 for the Ashes, Gilchrist was cheekily asked at a press conference if that good attitude would stand in a close series. If it comes down to the Oval, he was asked, and England need one wicket to win the Ashes, and you get a thin edge behind, would you walk? He paused, smiled and then said: "Ahh mate, if those were the circumstances, there's no way I'd have edged it." He meant - and certainly it was taken this way by all the journalists - that far from feigning innocence to the umpire, he would simply not have played such a rash stroke.

The other memory comes from a week earlier on that tour. As they had in 2001, when Australia visited Gallipolli on the way to England, a team-bonding trip was planned, this time to the war graves and trenches of Normandy. I went along for The Times that day and wrote in this piece how I was moved by the occasion. It was a grim, grey day and the players walked sombrely between the rows of white tombstones. There was no larking about, just solemn reflection of how privileged they were to be representing the same country as these real heroes.

They stood by the war memorial at Villers-Bretonneaux, where Gilchrist was asked to read Laurence Binyon's ode for the fallen. He was the ideal choice: a prime example of "mateship" yet also a dignified figurehead for modern Australia. He was the statesman of the team. And at the going down of the sun and in the morning, we cricket lovers everywhere shall remember him.

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Australia fight back against India

Australia's revival in Adelaide has been rather overshadowed by the sudden, if not totally unexpected, announcement of Adam Gilchrist's retirement, of which I shall comment more later this morning. But first, I present Peter McGuinness's daily report from his poolside lounger. Australia batted astoundingly slowly by their standards and it is hard to see them winning from here, but they may have done enough to ensure the draw and a won series.

Peter writes... "The first session went as you'd expect it would on Australia Day. Hayden was in imperious touch and Jaques had left his carelessness in Perth. By contrast, the Indians were not fired up at all and looked flatter than the Adelaide wicket. Hayden's total dominance of every bowler and Jaques's gap-finding, clearly ate at the visitors' morale and their 'ideas cupboard' was bare well before lunch. The Aussies were a chanceless 0/158 at the break with Hayden 86 and Jaques 59. The one encouraging thought occupying dropped Indian heads on the way to the pavillion would have been that the pitch was finally starting to play at two heights and take some turn. 

"India needn't have been quite so deflated, as Jaques forgot to re-engage his brain between his last Vegemite sandwich and taking guard. Bowled playing a shot he'd rather forget to Kumble on 60, at 1/159. Ponting was as watchful as a rookie at first, thanks to his current, unaccustomed 'mini-slump'.

The run-fest continues

The trouble with these Test matches in Australia is that they take place at the wrong time. So for all my intentions of getting up this morning to watch the post-tea session, I roused too late and all there was on TV was a repeat of The Good Life (no bad thing, given the quality of Felicity Kendal's bottom, which, it is generally acknowledged, is finer than any Australian cricketer's, even Brett Lee's).

So you'll have to make do with Peter McGuinness's match report instead. I don't think he is too impressed with the wicket... Still, if India think that 526 is enough then they should look at the scorecard from England's Test in Adelaide last winter.

Peter writes: "Day 2 dawned as another perfect day for batting, with the pitch playing better by the minute. India made the most of conditions, easily compiling 24 from the first three overs. Against the run of play, Dhoni smashed Johnson to deep point but picked out Andrew Symonds. The Aussies would have been hopeful of tidying up the visitors for less than 400 at 6/336. An interesting mini-battle between Lee and Tendulkar ensued, as both champs went at each other hammer and tong. Tendulkar was masterful as he passed 150, Lee causing him discomfort that the other Aussies could not.

Adelaide, day 1

This fascinating Test series between India and Australia should not be remembered for "he said, she said" hissy fits in Sydney but instead for the renaissance of the brilliance of Sachin Tendulkar. The Little Master has not been in the best of form for a couple of years, averaging 39 over the three years from 2005-07, but this series has brought out the best in him. His unbeaten hundred today was his second of the tour and with two fifties as well he is averaging more than 90 for the series.

For all the criticism of Australia's ugly competitiveness, the Australian crowds have been magnificent in the way they have received Tendulkar, cheering him to and from the wicket and greeting each landmark with respect and enthusiasm.

As usual, Peter McGuinness has been following every ball from his hammock in Brisbane and sent in this report: "Well, Les Burdett has produced another 'Bowler Killer' in Adelaide. India got the first of many slices of good fortune by winning the toss on an absolute paradise for batting. This match will be a typical bat-a-thon in the City of Churches. Pre-lunch was an absorbing joust. Unsurprisingly, Sehwag put it all on the line and lucked out until lunch. In fact, 32 of the cavalier opener's 56 runs came from outside edges to the third man boundary. The remainder rocketed right out of the middle. The experiment of using Pathan as an opener failed, although he was beaten by a ball that would have defeated most batsmen.

Don't mention the 5-0 drubbing

I think that I made some resolution a few weeks ago about being kinder to the people who ruin run cricket. Well, it's gone the same way as the "eat less, don't drink" resolutions after receiving a press release just now about how the ECB and npower are planning to market the 2009 Ashes.

For starters, this is the logo. Hmm. Well, at least it is better than the 2012 Olympics brand. But worse than that is the news that there will be an "amusing viral video gently teasing the Australians" about the narrow, tense and thrilling 2-1 victory three years ago. The video will parody the famous Norwegian football commentator's taunt of England in 1981. (You know the one: "Lord Nelson, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill etc etc you boys took a hell of a beating.) The new version will feature famous Australians, including Kylie Minogue, Rolf Harris, Nicole Kidman and Germaine Greer. Being told that their nation took one hell of a beating in 2005.

Now, I like that bit of commentary and I have parodied it myself on this blog (after Australia lost a Twenty20 match to Zimbabwe) but aren't they missing a few rather important points here? Firstly, the wonderful 2005 series was many things but it was certainly not a hell of a beating. It was an edgy, nervy, dramatic tussle and in the end England just stayed ahead of the Aussies. A great piece of sport, but not a beating. To call it such would be as ludicrous as giving out MBEs and open-top bus rides.

Kevin Peake, head of customer marketing at npower (and don't we just love marketing people this week), said: The Aussies have always loved a bit of banter before a big series and they don't come much bigger than this - we just hope they take the video in good spirit." I'm sure it will crush the poor mites, Kev. That's if they don't remind us that when they last played an Ashes series with us, it ended up 5-0 in their favour. Now that was a hell of a beating.

The £100 ODI ticket

Only three weeks into 2008 and we have an almost cast-iron winner of Line and Length's "pillock of the year" competition. Hot favourite to win the coveted award is Mr Paul Blanchard, the sales and marketing director at the Brit Oval, who says that people have been ringing him to complain that the price of tickets at the Oval is too low. This is in response to a Wisden piece in which it is revealed that the best tickets for the ODI between England and New Zealand this summer cost £103.

Yes. £103. For a 50-over game. Featuring England and New Zealand. Not a Test between Australia and India. And it is at the Oval, where the viewing experience has become so restrictive and sanitised that you would have more fun heading a mile south to spend an afternoon chatting to the stoners and winos around Brixton Tube station.

"People ring and accuse us of not charging enough because they have not been able to get the tickets," Blanchard says, proving that free-market economics in the hands of fools and the greedy is a dangerous weapon. If we were dealing with a ground the size of the MCG, you could understand the laws of supply and demand being taken into account when setting prices, but the Oval holds only 23,500 and I doubt it takes much effort to find enough bankers and people who work in sales and marketing who think nothing of dipping into their pocket for a jolly day out. Never mind true cricket fans, or children, or the black communities that surround the Oval, used to throng there and can now only be found serving watery lager to "fans" within the ground.

"We haven't had any negative feedback," Blanchard continued, although if anyone does feel that he is taking the proverbial, feel free to let him know. I'm guessing PBlanchard@surreycricket.com is his e-mail address. Mind you, what could he say? "Yes, we admit it, we're taking the p*** but we don't care"?

Meanwhile, Worcestershire have reported a pre-tax loss of almost £700,000 last season as a result of the terrible floods in the West Country, which have not abated this winter. Tickets to watch Worcestershire play a one-day match against New Zealand at New Road on June 11 this summer cost £10 (£12 if you buy on the day). Perhaps those who would normally go to the Oval would consider a day out instead. Even with a return train fare from London you would be left with more than enough to bring a really good picnic - and they won't stop you bringing in some champagne as well.

Why Australia lost

The truth comes out at last. Jim Rogers, a new friend of this blog, says he was passed the following transcript of Ricky Ponting's team talks before the Sydney and Perth Tests by a concerned former player. "Strewth, mate, we've gone soft," the portly moustachioed gent told him. "Worse than that, we've gone English." Judge for yourself...

Ponting before the Sydney Test:
"Ok guys, I want you to knock the crap out of this bunch of bloody jokers.  Give 'em heaps, sledge the s*** out of them, and watch them fold. Don't walk unless given out, or you'll answer to me. If we go up for an appeal caught behind I want everyone up and sounding confident, including you, Gilly. Now, good luck and keep slamming them on the ropes till they buckle."

Ponting before the Perth Test, after the ICC encourages a better spirit:
"Gather round your skipper, chaps, toodle pip, make haste there you rascals, and ready yourselves to sally forth in magnificent splendour for a ripper day of absolutely smashing, frightfully good cricket.  Andrew, and I might add "yours truly" as well, have promised not to act like rogues, cads or bounders, so I want all of you on your best behaviour.  Queensbury rules old boys and all that. No place for rambunctious rapscallions or scallywags besmirching our recalcitrant commonwealth colleagues, nowadays, by cripes.

"We all know much balderdash has been bandied about these past days, with sanctimonious larks chiding us and misinterpreting our banter and waggish ebullience. Never mind the palaver, chaps, galvanise yourselves, onwards and upwards, for by heavens we mean business.  My, Brett, Shaun and Mitchell, old beans, you do look dapper and devilishly handsome today.  Ready to unleash a few rip-snorters I dare say. Keep chipper, my mirthful fellows, but no buffoonery. Noses to the grindstone, by golly. Enflame your desires, gird your loins, and be spirited and dashing throughout, until we retire forthwith, as a mellow dusk descends, to quaff a well earned beverage of port in the gentlemen's room, perspiration drenching our turf-stained clothes but never our unquenchable spirits.

"Friends, though as your captain I lack a sonorous eloquence of speech, this calm exterior belies the heartfelt fire of pride I have for all of you, chaps, Phil, Chris, Michael, Andrew, Adam, Michael, Brett, Stuart, Mitchell, Shaun, and Brad.  I'd go happily against seemingly insurmountable odds and  go over the top with and for all of you, my fine companions, and I believe you feel the same bond of pride for all of your mates here wearing the baggy green cap.  So let a loud and deep resonance fill the cavernous reaches of these fame-filled stands as we make our pact together. One for all, and all for one, chaps, and on to victory!"

How Australia took defeat

Here we go, better late than never. Peter McGuinness's carrier pigeon finally landed on my desk, shivering and wheezing, to deliver the following verdict on the Perth Test. To be fair, it had arrived a day ago but had to spend 24 hours circling overhead before I could persuade it to land. I suspect he may be having a dig at one of my colleague's in the first paragraph, which seems a bit unsporting. I didn't realise Australia had lost as many as 20 Tests in the past couple of decades...

"Today was going to be historic, on way or another. Somewhere in bogs of East Anglia, an embittered genius would certainly raise his sodden, skinny buttocks from an ancient Massey Ferguson and prepare to write a world record twentieth consecutive, gleeful eulogy of Australian cricket.  Or perhaps another begrudging acknowledgment. Which was it to be?

"India should certainly wrap up proceedings before stumps, handing Australia its first defeat on home soil for 4 years. Or could Australia perform yet another minor miracle? The answer was not immediately forthcoming in the first session, although young Sharma bowled one of the better spells of sustained pressure bowling that this country has seen from a tourist in many a year. The Aussies started full of intent and Ponting looked great until Sharma flummoxed him for three overs before finishing the job. 3/117 when the captain went for 45.

India end the streak

A couple of readers have rightly pulled me up for my hasty comment a few days ago that "we all know Australia will still win" in Perth after their poor start. My defence is that the comment was supposed to come across as English pessimism, based on Australia spending almost all my life rescuing lost causes, rather than pro-Australian premature triumphalism.

Like much of the civilised world - and I suspect many Australians too - I was delighted that India ended Australia's winning streak this morning. Not so much the result as the manner of it. India outbowled and, in the main, outbatted Australia each day and their spirit and passion were a joy to see. Both the India and Australia tail supplied some wonderfully carefree batting in the past two days - RP Singh giving India a winning lead and Mitchell Johnson and Stuart Clark doing enough today to make a few hearts flutter at the prospect of a successful chase, although they could have done with the top order making an extra 50 runs or so before the tail came in. Superstitious souls may have noted that Clark was out when Australia needed 87 more runs to win, their bogey number, thus quashing hopes of a thrilling finish like the Edgbaston Test in 2005.

Irfan Pathan was man of the match for my money - and for the match adjudicator - for his feats with bat and ball. You can't ask much more from a strike bowler than that he remove both openers in each innings, but Pathan's wiles also did much to contain the chase and ultimately castrated it. Yet he came into the side to replace Harbhajan Singh and it will be interesting to see the make-up of the side in Adelaide. India may have been tempted to reunite the two spinners again, but it may make sense for Wasim Jaffer to give way, with perhaps Ganguly opening. Pathan is a good enough batsman to compensate.

What is certain is that we now have an electric finale ahead of us. And to think that if only Michael Clarke had not had that inspired/fortunate over in Sydney this would be a series decider.

ps: Peter McGuinness's final day report will appear here soon when I receive it. He sent it to my work computer, which is in the repair shop, and the Word attachment did not bounce on to my home computer.

A new era for England's selectors

The men who will shape the England team that will attempt to regain the Ashes in 2009 have been chosen. Geoff Miller, the former England all-rounder pictured left in 1981, has been appointed to the new full-time post of National Selector, a role that was recommended by the Schofield inquiry into last winter's Ashes debacle. He will be advised on selection by Peter Moores, the head coach, and two new part-time selectors in Ashley Giles and James Whitaker.

Interviews for the post took place two weeks ago and the interviewing panel of Hugh Morris, Dennis Amiss and David Collier felt that Miller's experience as a member of the England selection committee for almost eight years gave him the edge over other candidates such as Tim Boon, the Leicestershire coach, and Chris Adams, the Sussex captain.

David Graveney, who has been chairman of selectors since 1997, also applied for the job and had been backed by Michael Vaughan and Paul Collingwood, the Test and one-day captains, but perhaps after a decade in which he has made more right decisions than wrong it is the right time to stand him down with profuse thanks. He will be given a new challenge: filling the new post of performance manager and will be responsible for developing young players within the counties' academy programmes.

The Australian view

As ever, Peter McGuinness has been spending the day beside a cold Esky following the cricket. He writes:

"Again, a day of cricket that was impossible to turn away from. You've really got to hand it to these teams - they provide as good a sporting contest as you could hope to see. India ended the first session in control of the match but Stuart Clark removed Sehwag with a sublime in-dipper that straightened between bat and pad. 2/79 became 3/82 when Lee's outswing defeated Dravid. Tendulkar was honoured with a standing ovation all the way to the crease. Then Lee's variety, speed and cunning trapped the little champ plumb. At 4/116, Australia had worked themselves back into the match.

"India's lead was then 244, but Laxman and Pathan consolidated and corrected India's course. 5/168 at lunch and India led by 276. Match position - about even, considering the time left in the match. The redoubtable Clark found Pathan's edge straight after lunch, and the Aussies were now confident. 6/160. If the Aussies got India out for any less than a lead of 350, you'd have to like their chances. Any more for the tourists, and the fat lady would be practising her scales. Every run was a gold nugget for India. Every wicket a diamond for Australia. The tension was palpable.

A thrilling conclusion in prospect

So, Australia need 413 in the fourth innings to win and extend their sequence of 16 Test wins. "The record books are against them," says Ian Harvey, who really could do with a haircut and indeed a hairwash, in the Sky studio, but if anyone can chase more than 400 it is this Australian side. Now is the time for Rogers and Jaques to show that they can be the next Slater and Taylor or a Langer and Hayden. Being there together at the close is the bare minimum.

"If Chris Rogers is on 180 not out at the end and Australia win, would they dare drop him for Adelaide?" asks Ian Ward on TV, proving that ridiculous premature hype is not the sole preserve of more established anchors such as Mark Nicholas or Charles Colville.

The highest chase at the WACA is 340. It's a tough ask, but if they do make it to the close with no wickets down, I think I may be getting up in the middle of the night tomorrow to see how this pans out.

As for India, I wonder if they feel slightly disappointed not to have batted out the day? Some brilliant efforts by their lower-order batsmen - RP Singh's 50-run stand for the ninth wicket with VVS Laxman was crucial and RP earns immense credit for walking after just gloving a snorter from Clark; Dhoni made a fine 38 and Pathan, as nightwatchman (if you can call a man who averages almost 32 a nightwatchman), almost got to 50 - but only 16 runs between the three musketeers. If either Dravid, Tendulkar or Ganguly had made a score, this game would be beyond Australia. As it is, there is still a smidgin of hope for them. What a match!

One more thing, which hopefully the beach bum in Brisbane will answer later, is Shaun Tait even playing in this Test? I saw he was in the XI and watched him bowl some Harmisonesque dross in the first innings, but he was barely used this time. What a poor selection.

An Australian writes

A Colonial by the name of McGuinness sent these words by carrier pigeon on today's play at Perth:

Just when you think you've seen everything in this series, along comes a day of such exhilarating cricket as to take the contest between these teams to a new level. Sustained accurate bowling saw India lose four wickets for two runs in ten balls when on 328. All out for 330. Great stuff in the morning particularly from Johnson and Clark. A huge advantage to the home team well before lunch. Well, you'd think so wouldn't you?

'Superb' is an inadequate adjective to describe the skill and heart of RP Singh, Parthan and later the youngster, Sharma. India's fast men bowled with near perfect control of swing and seam to rifle through Australia's top order with breathtaking authority. 3/14 at lunch. Rogers was gunned on debut, but no complaints thanks to Dhoni's shocker earlier. Jaques fell to perfection, as did Hussey on - wait for it - zero. Yes, Hussey zero. After the break, Ponting and Clarke both got a start, but were successively defeated by classical swing bowling. Lovely to watch. So after a truly miserable start to the day, India found themselves in complete command of the Test Match as Australia was reduced to rubble at 5/61.

Australia crumble before Kumble

There are some things that are guaranteed to make me very happy when I wake up. Opening the curtains to see that snow has fallen during the night; listening to a government minister be put through the rack on the Today programme on Radio 4; my wife bringing me breakfast in bed (a bit of a rarity that one). But nothing makes me happier than to turn on the radio and hear that Australia have lost five wickets before they have reached 100.

In fact, the only thing that could make me happier is for them to lose a six with the score on 163. Gilchrist and the tail may yet take Australia past India's first-innings total of 330 and we all know Australia will win in the end, but for once they look vulnerable. All the bowlers have chipped in, but big congratulations are owed to Anil Kumble who, in dismissing Andrew Symonds to end a 100-run sixth-wicket stand, not only got rid of Australia's most dangerous batsman but has notched up his 600th scalp.

Come back to read Peter McGuinness's match report at the end of play to find out how all those Australian wickets were due to dodgy decisions.

Australia v India, part 3 day 1

A fascinating day's cricket in Perth saw Australia end a smidgin ahead of India, but if Dhoni and Pathan can form a decent partnership tomorrow then India will be back in it. Most importantly, the spirit between the teams was much improved and it was good to see Indian and Australian fans mingling quite happily in the crowd.

Andrew Symonds will not have gained any extra friends in India by getting Dravid out for 93 but it was a terrible cross-batted swipe that the Indian gave to an unthreatening ball and he deserved to go. He was looking anxious when batting against Clarke and Symonds, clearly keen to make his hundred before the new ball was taken. A poor decision did for Tendulkar on 71, but hopefully Indian fans take the umpire's decision with equanimity. After all, they got a fair rub of the green as well (see below).

Anyway, because of the time difference I was only up to watch the post-tea session, so I'll leave it to Line and Length's second favourite Australian (after Harold Bishop) to do a full match report. Take it away, Peter McGuinness:

"Thankfully, the excitement and anticipation of a new contest was able to resuscitate the spluttering semi-corpse that was Indo-Australian cricket. Can this match revive the patient? Let's hope so. At least it started humorously. With everyone looking forward to a fast, bouncy pitch, with selectors constructing the teams to suit, the WACA wicket was ... a featherbed! Seems that the curator gave it too close a haircut. A day when India could not possibly curse their bad fortune thus began with winning the toss.

Far-sighted move by Lord's

I have scattered praise on the way cricket is done at Lord's on many occasions. The views, ambience and mature approach to drinking alcohol there make it the most pleasant place to watch cricket, but it is not without its flaws. Moving around the ground during the lunch interval can be as fraught and congested as driving down Oxford Street and it would be nice if spectators could walk on the outfield at the end of a Test, like we used to. Neither of those, I suspect, will improve.

However, MCC are righting one wrong this winter by installing three new colour LED scoreboards and replay screens, with a resolution five times better than the existing scoreboards. In the past, the number of burst bulbs on the scoreboard have made it hard to tell whether a batsman has made 8 or 0. The new screens are also more environmentally friendly, using about one third of the power required for the pair of old bulb-based scoreboards. Now if only they can get rid of the ties policy in the Pavilion...

Should India pick Harbhajan for Perth?

After what seems like a month, the third Test is due to start tomorrow and because Harbhajan Singh's appeal against his ban for naughty language will not be heard until after the series, he is free to be selected. The question is: should India pick him? It will be tempting to put him in as a two-fingered, beturbanned salute to his Australian critics and Mike Procter, but does it make cricketing sense?

Perth, after all, is the most seamer-friendly of Australian pitches and it is rare, but not unknown (see Monty last winter or Vettori in 2001), for one spin bowler to do well there, let alone two. Anil Kumble is obviously India's first-choice spinner; would it be better to pick an extra quickie than Harbhajan and go with Tendulkar's part-time spin as back-up?

I've done some number crunching and of the 1,083 wickets to have been taken at the WACA in 34 Tests since 1970, I make it that only 139 were taken by what I call frontline spinners (ie, the first-choice spinner, so that includes one for Mark Ramprakash in 1998 when he was the only spinner England picked).

Only 27 further wickets have been taken by a secondary spinner (and that includes ten for Bishen Bedi who was part of a three-man spin attack for India in the 1970s but gets rated as a secondary spinner for the 1977 Test because Bhagwat Chandresekhar came on before him in each innings). And then there are nine "don't knows" because I can't remember whether Andrew Symonds was bowling off spin or medium pace last winter against England, and I don't know what style of bowling the simbly versatile Mark Waugh used for his seven wickets.

All of which suggests that India would be foolish to pick two spinners, especially as the pitch is expected to be very fiery. But after all that has happened, can they afford not to?

Farewell Pollock, a great all-rounder and captain

I'd wanted to post a lengthy valedictory to Shaun Pollock, who has played his last Test match, but Neil Manthorp and Telford Vice (a fine journalist not, as I thought, an unglamorous Shropshire version of the American police drama) have done a far better job with this piece, which I heartily recommend.

What I will say is this: Pollock may have been a red-head, and shared the competitiveness and occasional flashes of temper common to those who have been so afflicted, but you will hardly find anyone in the game who has a bad word to say about him. Graceful, civilised, moral, educated, loved. A fair change from his successor as South Africa captain, anyway. And who can forget his starring role for many years opposite Henry Winkler in Happy Days, the Samuel Beckett play set in an American diner?

Two points leap to mind, though, that I think have been under-emphasised. He was generally seen as a bowler who could bat pretty well. A decent No 8 rather than a genuine all-rounder like his colleague Jacques Kallis, but with a batting average nine runs higher than his bowling average (32 to 23) I think that is unfair. By comparison, the gap between batting and bowling average for some other recognised all-rounders are: Botham and Hadlee 5; Cairns 4; Dev 1.5; Flintoff 0.5. You could argue that after Sobers, Miller, Imran Khan and Kallis, Pollock is the fifth-best all-rounder in Test history.

Pollock had only two Test hundreds, three Tests apart in 2001, but he had 16 fifties and more than 40 other scores above 30. He was left stranded on 99 not out in South Africa's three-wicket win over Sri Lanka in 2002. His bowling, by some way, was what made his reputation. Few could probe the corridor of uncertainty the way he did, even in his last Test, but his batting made him invaluable.

He was also one of the finest captains any Test side have possessed, certainly one of the finest South Africa have had. He won 14 and drew seven of his 26 Tests and won 60 of his 97 ODIs; he won 10 per cent more Tests than Graeme Smith has, and a few per cent more ODIs. Pollock had to step down as captain after the team, not just him, messed up their maths in the 2003 World Cup; Smith is still there despite losing to Bangladesh and being crushed by Australia at the tournament four years later.

Scratching for runs

Uncle J Rod makes a fine spot (or at least I'd not spotted it elsewhere as I spent yesterday watching and then recovering from watching the mighty Blackheath RFC reach the last 16 of the EDF Nearly National Trophy, so-called because the 12 Premiership clubs don't compete).

Mr Rod observes that Marlon Samuels's hundred in defeat against South Africa yesterday was his first Test hundred since 2002 - and that way back then Iraq was uninvaded, Paris Hilton wasn't famous and Jacques Kallis had hair. It has indeed been a long time coming.

OK, so Samuels was dropped for a couple of those years, but even so: it was only his second hundred in 27 Tests. I know that West Indies' resources are pretty thin on the ground - and maybe Samuels will use this score as a springboard to greater things - but at what stage does "unfulfilled potential" get turned into "waster"?

Can any country sustain a No 4 batsman who averages barely 30? In fact, given that his two hundreds were of 104 and 105, can West Indies sustain someone who is only happy with reaching a landmark and then appears to regard the job as done? And is it right that Brian Lara, who was run out by Samuels on his final international appearance, is scoring hundreds in the Caribbean domestic competition rather than playing for West Indies?

India go up then down

ICC press release at 5.20pm yesterday: "Despite winning the third Test against the West Indies at Durban and the series 2-1, South Africa has slipped two places to fourth in the LG ICC Test Championship with India moving up to second... India is level on points with Sri Lanka but is ahead of Mahela Jayawardena's team when the points are calculated beyond the decimal point."

ICC press release at 2.14pm today: "Correction: India goes up to third in LG ICC Test Championship table with Sri Lanka in second place... India and Sri Lanka have the same number of ratings points (109), Sri Lanka's total is a fraction higher once calculated beyond the decimal point."

I suspect that this was just an administrative cock-up by a gap-toothed flunky with a D in GCSE maths sitting in the ICC's ivory tower in Dubai, although naturally some readers may see this as further proof of a racist, not to mention imperialist, attitude towards India from other nations: "See, even the numbers hate us now." India should refuse to play until the arithmetic sorts itself out.

However, there may be a sudden upturn in India's ranking fortunes. At the end of the series in Australia, when the rankings are recalibrated, India will regain second place if they draw the series 2-2 or even lose 2-1, 3-1 or 2-0. But if they lose 4-0, they would fall below England to fifth place. We think.

The children don't hate each other

The heat and booze have got to this blog's Australian friend, Peter McGuinness, who sent the following emotional piece. But it makes a lot of sense and I recommend you read it.

"I have been truly upset by the events of the past week. As a fanatical lover of cricket, I could not imagine anything worse than our beautiful game degenerating as it has. Good people calling other good people liars and cheats. Both ways, from both countries. National pride has had us all outraged in a childish competition. In truth, we fans from both countries have been worse than the cricketers who represent us.

"Don't get me wrong, I still have strong opinions as to why this crisis has occurred. But I would like to share with you a cricket match I watched this afternoon. It involved Indian and Australian combatants. It was as hard fought as you'd ever want to see. It was the form of cricket in which all fielders and bowlers are pitted against the two batsmen. The sides were mixed, as they must be in beach cricket. The oldest player was all of 12 years old, I'd guess.

No you can't have your game back

Having managed to make so many effusive and passionate new friends from India as a result of this week's big story, perhaps I can attract a few comments from Pakistan by saying this: no, you cannot have the result of the Oval Test in 2006 changed.

Pakistan's case, being considered by the ICC, is that as they were found not guilty of ball-tampering in the contentious Test against England, the decision by the umpires to award the game to England should be revoked and the match declared a draw or a no-result. Inzamam-ul-Haq, impressed that India have managed to get the ICC to drop Steve Bucknor by whinging loudly enough, is leading the pressure for the reversal of Darrell Hair and Billy Doctrove's call.

This is completely wrong. The match was awarded to England because Inzamam refused to lead his team out on to the pitch after tea, protesting against the penalty for the alleged ball-tampering. That the allegation was refuted is irrelevant. They had a duty to play and were entitled to protest afterwards.

The umpires acted completely within the laws and regulations of the game by ending it when Pakistan refused to play, even if many (myself included) feel they could have been a bit more flexible. It was made clear to Pakistan that they would be forfeiting the match if they did not come out after their protest had gone on for some while, yet still they kept on sulking. Only when stumps were drawn did they realise what they had done. Well, tough titty, Inzy. The ICC must show a bit of backbone on this. Otherwise, where next? Shall we annul England's win in the 1932-33 Ashes because on reflection it was a bit dirty of Douglas Jardine to come up with bodyline?

It's not as if it would have made a difference to the 2006 series, whether England won 3-0 or 2-0. But if the game is abandoned, then do the scores made in it also get expunged? If so, Mohammad Yousuf's excellent hundred (and by extension his astonishing record for runs in a calendar year) should not stand. Nor should the nineties made by Hafeez, Farhat and Pietersen, all fantastic to watch. On the plus side, it would mean that Marcus Trescothick's Test career would have ended with a fifty at Headingley instead of two single-figure disappointments.

A Billy Butlin XI?

Sometimes you come across nuggets of facts while trawling the internet that you know you will not only never forget but try to slip into conversation whenever you can. So, it was while reading Martin Williamson's Cricinfo piece on other tours that were cancelled that I came across this gem: on September 3, 1939, West Indies were due to play a tour match in Skegness against a Billy Butlin XI but it was cancelled because the Windies, sensing the outbreak of war, had decided to end the tour early and return home, dodging U-boats on the way as if they were bouncers from Ken Farnes.

How the good folk of Skegness were denied by Mr Hitler's foreign adventures! Not only did they miss out on seeing the likes of George Headley and Learie Constantine, but they did not get to see all the luminaries that Butlin could have assembled from his entertainment contacts, such as Tommy Trinder twirling his leggies, Bud Flanagan appealing tunefully from the slips or Arthur Askey cutting Constantine effortlessly for four through point. No doubt Vera Lynn would have been roped in to make the sandwiches.

What larks! All spoilt because that Austrian housepainter wanted to dine in Paris but didn't fancy booking a table. Perhaps the idea of touring sides to England playing a celebrity XI could be revived. The Bruce Forsyth XI, say, featuring Ant and Dec, Bobby Davro and the effeminate Welsh one from X-Factor.

For those not in the know, Billy Butlin (pictured) founded a chain of holiday camps in Britain during the 1930s and 1940s, which despite the cabaret nights, jollity and buffet food were tremendously popular. (A minutely-known fact is that I wrote the Times obituary of his son, another entrepreneur, some years ago when I used to earn extra cash from covering the deceased of a Sunday)

South Africa rattle through Windies

How nice to see Test cricketers playing Test cricket rather than just complaining at each other. Day 1 of the third Test in Durban has got under way and, sadly for those of us who'd like to see a strong West Indies again, the South Africa bowling was too good for them. Skittled for 139, West Indies have at least taken a South African wicket, Gibbs for 27, but they will no doubt face a big first-innings deficit. Sadly, Chanderpaul's occupation of the crease, which had passed ten hours in the second Test, ended after three balls.

Richie Cunningham Shaun Pollock was recalled for the first Test in a year and made an immediate impact, Morton, Bravo and debutant Parchment among his four wickets. Andre Nel added three rather expensive wickets (at seven runs an over) but it is good to see him having fun. Over the past few days I have yearned for the fabled calmness and rationality of our good friend Andre. No doubt he will tell us about his bowling later.

Suddenly, a cricket match breaks out

Day 1 of the almost-abandoned friendly in Canberra ended near enough to honours even, although it was apparently a dream batting wicket. Against a rather weak-looking ACT XI, India declared on 325 for nine and the Australians made ten runs by the close. Good to see Dravid and Jaffer make some runs even if neither reached 100 but Yuvraj and Sehwag were ropey again. The report I read did not reveal how the Indians were received, but I hope the Canberra crowd were as warm and appreciative of seeing such great batsmen as Australian crowds have been so far this series. And that they did not cheer Harbhajan's duck too much.

Chris Rogers's innings tomorrow will be interesting as he is the most likely candidate to replace Matthew Hayden should the opener's thigh injury not recover. A year ago, Rogers was in outstanding nick but he had a fairly poor summer for Northants, not helped by a lengthy hand injury, and his winter has been upset by an appendix problem. Still, he seemed a nice bloke when I met him last season. For a ginger nut.

Meanwhile in other news...

Wading through the pages of comments this morning, I came across one from this blog's old friend Andre Nel. "What about me?" he asks, and he is quite right. There is more to cricket than the question of whether Steve Bucknor is biased or simply incompetent. So... here is what you have been missing:

1) For a start, the third Test of the absorbing series between South Africa and West Indies is due to start in Durban tomorrow, weather permitting. Courtney Walsh gives his opinion on the West Indies revival under Chris Gayle here. Gayle will be missing from the Test but South Africa have their own injury problems. Dale Steyn is struggling with a hamstring and Neil McKenzie has a calf strain. More hard work needed from Nel, then, who has nine wickets in the first two Tests of the rubber.

2) If Steyn misses the Test, it may offer a recall to Shaun Pollock, who made his one-day international debut on this day in 1996 (his first Test was a year earlier). Pollock made 66 and took four for 34 as England lost by five runs.

3) I was fascinated to read that Brian Lara is still winning matches. On Monday, Trinidad beat Guyana in the Carib Beer Series with Lara making 123 and 53 not out.

4) Sticking with West Indies players, happy 40th birthday Jimmy Adams. Adams was one of those players who started brilliantly and could not sustain it. After 12 Tests, Adams averaged in the 80s but by the end of his 54-Test career it was nearer 40. A warning to Mike Hussey?

5) Positive news for India: their under-19 side won a tri-nations tournament in South Africa, beating Bangladesh by 137 runs, which seems promising with the under-19 World Cup starting in just over a month. Can India prevent Pakistan from scoring a hat-trick of wins? Two years ago, I was covering India Under-19's tour of England and their star bowler that summer, Ishant Sharma, is now playing for the senior side. However, the most impressive batsman in that side, Virat Kohli and Tanmay Srivastava, are still playing youth cricket. Clearly they develop them early in India.

A plea for good manners

And to think that only a few months ago everyone was getting excited about a few sweeties being chucked at an Indian batsman...

Naturally Bollyline, Bucknorgate, call it what you want, has generated deep passion on both sides of the row. I am delighted that so many new readers have discovered this blog and cared enough to leave comments in record numbers. I hope that many of you hang around when all this is sorted out and continue to let me know what you think about the Friends Provident Trophy or Ed Smith's captaincy of Middlesex.

However, can I set down some ground rules. While I welcome all comments and will publish them unedited (barring anything libellous), it is a condition of posting on here that you remain courteous and relatively restrained. We are all cricket-lovers here, whatever our nationality, and I believe that everyone wants to write and read about tales of derring-do on the pitch rather than about lawyers' wranglings and mudslinging. Everyone has a valid opinion, even if you disagree with it, so let's cut out some of the abuse just because someone says something you dislike. That goes to Australians as much as Indians.

As a writer on the other side of the world to the action, I am trying my hardest to be balanced and see both sides (I don't think either India or Australia have come that well out of this). By all means disagree with what I write, but try to remember your manners in the way you reply. Better spelling would be nice, too, but if someone does make a hash of spelling or grammar, don't patronise them.

Above all, do not, as some people have done, assume that I am Australian or pro-Australian simply because I am white. I'd like to see them beaten as much as anyone else, but I'd rather it was done by brilliant bowling and flamboyant batting (the traditional Indian way) than by court-room shenanigans. OK? Let's get back to work...

BCCI show contempt for ICC

How far do we want this row to go? India have already got their own way over the dispatch of Steve Bucknor as umpire, now the BCCI, the Indian board, says that the tour of Australia will go ahead - but only if the ICC's appointed commissioner finds in Harbhajan's favour. This is outrageous. If the ICC has any spine, it should demand a statement from the BCCI that it will abide by any decision, otherwise Malcolm Speed, the chief executive, Mike Procter, who handed down the original ban, and ideally the whole board should resign in protest. You simply cannot run a governing body if one of the constituent bodies has such contempt for its decisions.

For that matter, if the commissioner does then back Procter and enforce the ban (or even extend it by a Test as he is allowed) India might choose to cancel the tour. At which point, if they were men of dignity and honour, the ICC board chairmen should declare India as ostracised and cancel all future tours of and by India. The 2011 World Cup itself could be in doubt. I have no wish to stir up panic, but India's bureaucrats have to start acting like statesmen rather than demanding special treatment. I stress that I am not saying that the commissioner should back Procter (it still appears there was little evidence for the referee's decision) but that he should be allowed to make up his mind free from threats.

Speed has said that the appeals commissioner will be appointed by Wednesday. There is a 17-man panel that he will be chosen from, although Richie Benaud and Goolam Vahanvati will not be considered as they represent Australia and India. Choosing the man to tread this tightrope will be intriguing; the ICC will not want to be seen to be selecting a man who is perceived as biased either way. Michael Beloff QC and Sir Oliver Popplewell are the English representatives, but would India accept an Englishman? Would Australia accept an Asian? Justice John Hansen from New Zealand or Justice Albie Sachs from South Africa would be possible alternatives.

The ICC must be careful about the timing of the appointment. Under Clause H11 of their Code of Conduct (a riveting read, I promise you) it says that the commissioner must hear the evidence and reach a decision within seven days of being appointed. If that period overlaps with the Perth Test, then Harbhajan would be free to play and thus the inquiry would gain some extra days. So that means that India will be hoping that the appointment is made after 11.30am (Perth time) tomorrow.